23. Chapter 22
Chapter 22
Elsie
June 12 — 23 Weeks 5 Days, Grapefruit
A ll day, my stomach has been in knots, waiting for this call with Marshall, so much so that it reminds me of my days of morning sickness.
By the time 7:30 p.m. rolls around, I’m already sitting at my desk in front of my computer with the video call active, waiting for Marshall to join.
The minutes tick by, and I feel like I’m going to be sick.
When the standby screen finally changes, I’m suddenly looking at a clearly exhausted Marshall.
“Hey.” He says, his smile reaching his eyes.
“Hey,” I say, letting out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
Things quickly turn awkward, but Marshall saves me by asking about the baby, and I give him all the little updates from the past 12 days that he’s been gone.
“Sounds like the baby’s going to have quite the personality.” He chuckles before growing quiet. “Elsie...”
“Yeah?” I ask when he doesn’t continue.
“Elsie. What happened? How are you? Really.” He asks, his eyes full of concern. “I’ve been really fucking worried, Elsie.”
“It’s nothing,” I say.
“No. It isn’t nothing if it sends you into a spiral like this and has you isolating from everyone.” He says sternly, almost like he’s scolding me.
But then his expression turns back to the gentle, kind man I know.
“You can tell me.” He says softly.
I bite my lip, considering how deep into things I should go.
“My father’s an asshole.” I start. “He wasn’t physically abusive or anything, but there was a lot of other... stuff.”
He nods encouragingly.
“He wasn’t a great parent. He was head of the household for sure, but not any kind of guardian or role model for me.” I start to get lost in the memories once more but pull myself back. “He treated me fine for the most part. Like, I had a happy childhood. I went to camps and played in tennis tournaments at the country club. The nannies who took care of me when he was gone were kind. There are happy memories there, but he only seemed to be present when he needed to take me places with him, fancy events, and stuff. To be seen as a family man.”
Marshall’s face is bright with his smile as I recount the better times of my childhood, but there is also concern in his eyes.
“But there was other stuff that wasn’t so great, like him not being there for those tournaments and school events.” I shrug. “Our relationship got so toxic that I’m now no-contact with him. So, when I saw something while we were at brunch, it triggered those less happy memories and feelings. I was...”
“Scared.” He offers when I don’t continue, but I scowl at him.
“Not scared. I’m not scared.” I protest. “I just couldn’t handle it. With everything going on,” I glance down and place my hands on my round belly. “It was just too much. And you’re not here. So, there wasn’t anything you could have done anyway. I was handling it to the best of my ability.”
“But you still weren’t handling it well.” He points out. “You tried to do that alone, and it didn’t work. So, what can I do to help? How can I fix this?”
“You can’t. It just is, Marshall.” I sigh.
“Elsie. I was scared. Scared to death when you stopped responding to me.” He says with a slight shake of his head. “If there’s something I can do to make sure this doesn’t happen again, I’ll do it. Just tell me what you need.”
“I...” I hesitate.
“Name it, Elsie.” He says, his jaw tight with conviction.
“I want you to quit.” I blurt out.
Marshall goes so still that I think the video feed froze, but then he shakes his head, and I realize he was literally frozen by shock.
“What?” He asks, completely caught off-guard.
“I want you to quit your job,” I say more slowly but no less passionate.
“Elsie. What does that have to do with any of this? I can’t just...”
“No.” I cut him off. “You absolutely can quit. I make more than enough to take care of us for the rest of our lives.”
“Our lives?” He says, a light sparking in his eyes, which makes me cringe at my word choice .
“You know what I mean.” I huff. “Just that you wouldn’t have to worry about money if you wanted to take a break and find another career.”
“Elsie…” He says, his voice is soft.
“Hear me out. You could do whatever you want. Take up woodworking or go back to school and get another degree. Literally anything. I’ll support you.”
“Are you bribing me?” He asks with a smirk.
“No,” I reply, shrinking back a little. “More like begging you.”
Marshall goes quiet for a moment, and I hold my breath while he thinks.
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why is this so important to you?” He insists.
“Because. Your job is dangerous. I don’t want you getting hurt.” I reason.
“But you’ve known that this whole time.” He says, cocking his head to the side. “What changed? Why now?”
“Nothing’s changed.” I snap, suddenly feeling like a cornered animal.
“Something’s changed. Something happened.” He says surely. “If I’m going to consider this? If this is a deal breaker, then I deserve to know why it’s so important to you.”
“Because...” I try.
“Elsie.” He warns.
“Because I don’t want my baby sitting on the porch steps wondering when their dad is going to decide they’re important enough to show up finally!” I throw the words at him like daggers.
Only I’m not expecting them to hurt me so much when they land dead center in his chest.
His expression falls instantly.
The only sound coming from my computer speaker is the background noise from the rig Marshall’s on that filters through the thick walls of the room.
“Is that...” He tries again. “Is that what you think is going to happen?”
I stay silent.
“Elsie. I know what it’s like not to have a dad around. I get that. But What are you really afraid of?” He says gently. “I’m not going anywhere. I told you, keep telling you , I’m in. All in.”
“I...” I choke on the rest of my words, seeing the earnestness on his face.
“You’re not alone in this. I won’t let you do this by yourself. I...” He shakes his head. “You mean a lot to me, and I really value my relationship with you.”
“What are you saying?” I ask.
“You’re, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you sound scared, Elsie. And if there’s anything I can do to take away that fear, then let me know.” He explains.
But I still have no reply for him.
“What do you need from me? How can I help?” He presses.
“Quit,” I whisper.
“I can’t.” He replies softly.
Silence extends between us, and at this moment, I fully feel the miles between us.
He’s so far away.
So distant.
“I don’t know how to fix this.” He says.
“Me either.”
“Why don’t we start...” He straightens up in the chair he’s sitting in. “I’ll get permission to call you more. We’ll call and talk like this. Just...”
“How often?” I ask, grasping for any solid foundation I can find with him.
“I’ll see, but daily if I can pull it off.” He says. “Okay?”
“Okay.” I nod.
“Elsie... You know I...”
“Stop.” I cut him off. “Don’t make this harder by saying something you’ll regret later.”
“I would never regret telling you that I...”
“Just don’t.” I interrupt him again, talking faster this time. “I’ll talk to you later. Let me know if you get permission to call and when.”
Then I snap the computer closed and fall back in my chair.
Tears rim my eyes, and I take in deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart.
“It’s gonna be okay, Elsie,” I tell myself. “You’re gonna be just fine.”