Chapter Thirteen #2
“Yep.” But it did describe my current state of mind: I would rather be doing anything than this. I missed my quiet, no-vampire-drama life.
Charlie sat across from me at the table.
“Can I get you anything?” I asked. “We have the best rattlesnake fingers in the world.”
His nose crinkled, and he flashed his palm. “Nothing for me, thanks. I need to get back to the airport.”
“Okay.”
He leaned in. “I’ll cut straight to the point, Masie. My team and I have been,” he lowered his voice to a whisper, “running simulations. Hundreds of them.”
“You mean how to stop,” I also whispered, “a vampire takeover?”
“Yes. And every scenario leads to a total collapse of humanity, except one. Unfortunately, it’s the most dangerous.”
Of course it is. Well, on the bright side, at least there was one. “I assume it involves me.”
“I did some research, and I think we can use your distillery to…make hooch.” He winked, and I blinked, unsure of where he was going.
“But we make straight whiskey.” The best in Tennessee. It was known for its smooth, smokey aftertaste and nutty Kicklighter undertones. We also made hot versions that could make a firefighter cry.
“Yes,” he said. “I know. And now I need you to blend a batch of your most expensive, award-winning whiskey with your new inhouse poteen,” he said slowly and deliberately.
“You mean you want me to produce moonshine? The vampire kind?”
“Shhhh…” He looked over his shoulder. “Don’t use that word. Someone could hear.”
“Oh, sorry.” I whispered, “You want me to make white lightning like that crimson-chugging man-whore of my ex?”
Charlie gave me an odd look. “Uh, yes?” He went on to explain that in five days, Washington would be flooded with lobbyists and hundreds of powerful people from the western hemisphere, pushing senators to pass the bill.
He needed a truckload of moonshine-spiked whiskey to serve at the parties.
“We will have people—the bartenders, caterers, and hotel staff—inside every major event.”
My mind hopscotched around. “I have no idea how to make poteen,” I said. “And even if I did, what good would it do?”
“I heard you’ve taken it. A lot of it.”
“How do you know that?” I asked.
“I have my spies. And if you’ve had some, you understand how powerful it is. It makes humans open to vampiric suggestion.”
“It also makes a person crazier than a kite in a hurricane.” For me, it had been like taking a stupid pill. I’d been willing to go along with things I normally wouldn’t. However, it had been Stark’s voodoo eyes that held the real control. “You will enjoy yourself…”
“Well, that’s the plan,” Charlie said. “We only have to administer it to a majority of the Senate. Shortly after, they’ll receive a directive from one of our vampires, and then we win.”
I assumed he’d meant that the senators would vote down the bill. “Which vampires?”
“I can’t tell you that, Masie. Too risky. But they’re on our side.”
“How can you be so sure?” I asked.
“I just am,” he said curtly.
All right. He didn’t want to spill the beans, but I wasn’t going to jump all in without more details. “Let’s say your plan works. Are you aware that vampires will go to war if the bill fails?”
He nodded. “That’s what we’re hearing, but the possibility is decreasing every day.”
“How? And don’t say you can’t tell me that much. I’m either part of the plan, or I’m not.”
He glanced over his shoulder again and then looked at me with a gaze so intense, it sent shivers down my spine. “Those vampires will be dead before they have a chance to make a move.”
So Charlie and his people wanted to end all the vampires in favor of making humans into sangria fountains. This was good.
“I don’t know if your idea will work,” I lowered my voice, “but it doesn’t get around the fact that I don’t know how to make Grandpappy’s swamp juice.”
He reached into his pocket and produced a folded piece of paper. “This is the recipe.”
I glanced at the paper but didn’t take it. “The mixture needs vampire blood. How am I supposed to get a hold of that?” A week ago, I could’ve just taken some from the spa, but now? I was vampire enemy number one. I couldn’t go near the place, and it wasn’t like Daddy was going to help.
“It doesn’t contain vampire blood. Well, not exactly. But we can deliver all of the ingredients here. You just have to prepare the solution, mix with your whiskey, and bottle. We’ll take care of the rest.”
I couldn’t lie, I was incredibly excited to help, but I knew very little about running the distillery’s equipment. That department was Uncle Jimmie’s and Maybell’s, whom he’d been teaching. Slowly. Very, very slowly. Maybell was accident prone.
“I’m sorry, but the only two people around here who could do it are my uncle and sister, and they’re both on moonshine right now, thanks to my ex.”
“Isn’t there anyone else?” he asked.
I gave it some thought, my eyes drifting towards the bar.
“Joe.” Joe used to bartend for us but then moved over to the distillery because he wanted regular daytime hours.
He’d been out on vacation, traveling to all of Elvis’s historical sites, like Memphis, Tennessee; Tupelo, Mississippi; and Las Vegas, Nevada, with his new girlfriend, Elvira.
I hadn’t met her yet, but she loved Elvis.
Had to be special. “He’s on vacay for another week, but if I can track him down, he’s a maybe.
” Joe was easily persuaded with extra vacation time.
The man saved those days like a squirrel hoarded acorns.
“Let me know what he says by tomorrow.” Charlie hunched over a little, looking worried, and I couldn’t blame him.
This situation was a powder keg rolling down a hill of lit matches.
“In the meantime, I need to test our recipe on you. I could only get a small batch made, and we aren’t sure we have the potency dialed in. ”
I cocked my head. Is he…?
He went on, “You’re the only person I know with significant experience drinking the stuff.”
“Heck no. I’m not going to be your guinea pig.” I started to get up. “Let me see if my sister—”
“No. If she’s already on it, that won’t work. You’re our only option. If our recipe isn’t powerful enough, it won’t function, and we fail.”
Charlie was asking me to purposely open myself up to the influence of moonshine. “I can’t.”
“You have to.”
I gritted my teeth. “I just risked my life to get off the stuff and escape vampire Sandals.”
“I didn’t know they have one, but this isn’t about you, now is it?”
I hate you. “If I drink it, what good is that? You’re not a vampire. You can’t command me.”
“Our ally is standing by.” Charlie pulled his cell from his back pocket and set it on the table.
My brain played a quick match of pickleball.
Yes.
No.
Don’t be selfish.
Yes, be selfish. That stuff is dangerous.
But so are tornadoes, and I live in Tennessee.
“Fine,” I said. “But you’d better not make me do sex stuff.”
“Masie,” he snapped, acting like I’d kicked him straight in the heart.
“What?” I snapped back. “I trust absolutely no one right now, and that includes you. Well, okay, I trust you more than a vampire, but what’s to say you’re not on moonshine, convincing me to drink moonshine, so that I’ll make more moonshine, and you and your evil vampire buds will use it for nefarious purposes? ”
He slowly bobbed his head, mulling. “You need proof.”
“Does a possum like bananas?” I said.
“Errr… I really don’t know.”
“Yes. The answer is yes,” I said.
Just then Ashley came up with my order. “Well, hi there.” She batted her eyelashes at Charlie. “Who’s your friend here, Masie?”
Not now, Ashley. Couldn’t she put her chick-boner away for ten seconds? “Table ten is waving atcha,” I grumbled.
“I’ll be back in a sec to take your order,” she said with a dumb giggle to Charlie.
Dear Lord. I loved that girl, but she was definitely on the clock.
The one that demanded a virile man, a big wedding, and a baby or two.
Lately, every break she had was spent on Pinterest, perusing wedding dresses and baby rooms. Not that I could fault her.
If it weren’t for Stark derailing my life, I might be perusing with her.
Charlie fixated on Ashley’s bun cakes as she walked away.
“Stop it. Ashley has a boyfriend, and we have serious work to do.” I pressed my finger into the table. “Show me your proof.”
He took his phone, tapped the screen, and slid it across the table. “My plan is already underway.”
I reluctantly grabbed the device. On the screen was a video feed, and though the image was dark, I could make out a wet stone tunnel with bars on either side. There were several pairs of pale hands reaching out from inside the cells.
“What is this?” I asked.
“Like I said, any vampires on the wrong side are quietly being rounded up. But I can’t tell you more. The less you know, the better. It’s for your own protection.”
Seriously? Stark also subscribed to this mantra. “Oh, baby woman-thing, your tiny brain is much too fragile to understand the male complexities of war. Also, your big tits get in the way of my superior thinkin’. You run off now and make me a quesadilla. Extra spicy!”
Yes, yes. Vampires didn’t eat those, but that was what my imagination came up with.
In truth, for an ancient vampire, Stark wasn’t all that chauvinistic.
He didn’t care what I wore, as long as I felt comfortable.
He didn’t say weird archaic garbage like, “No woman of mine will work or have her own money. And dammit, take off those shoes! Get a baby in that belly, or I’ll throw you into a volcano.
” He’d even cooked for me once. It had been vile and inedible, but he’d done it all the same.
As far as I could see, Stark’s biggest flaws were his inability to tell the truth and then sheltering those lies under an umbrella of chivalry.
Chivalry, Mas? I argued with myself. The man had me thinking I was a vampire. He’d drugged and starved me. Then he’d hypnotized me and made me believe I’d had all that fun.
“Masie?” Charlie said. “Why are you eyeing that fork?”
I looked across the table at him. “Sorry. Just havin’ a moment of mental ping-pong.” I inhaled. “The video is great, but I need proof you’re not playing me and under the influence of vampire drugs yourself.”
“All right.” He got up and held out his hand. “Let’s dance.”
“Dance?”
“There’s only one known antidote for the effects of moonshine.”
I tried not to laugh. “You’re pullin’ my leg.”
“The results are temporary, but all you need is music you like and moving your feet.”
“Come on,” I scoffed.
“Moonshine affects the logic center, but if you’ve taken it, you know it can’t change your emotions.”
I wasn’t so sure about that. “And?”
“Everyone knows that music can tap into your feelings—make your body move. It’s like an override switch.”
Pfft. So corny. Also, I’d been hopped up on moonshine when I’d danced with Stark back on the island, and I recalled feeling all electric and gooey inside.
I’d felt love and fear, too, like I would never be the same again if I lost him.
Those feelings had to have been fake—a product of the moonshine. Right?
“Okay. Let’s dance,” I said, determined to find out the truth. However, dancing with Charlie proved nothing. I needed to test his claim on someone already under the influence.
My eyes darted over to Maybell as I walked over to the jukebox and searched for Big Barnie the rooster’s favorite song. Big Barnie was our mascot and Uncle Jimmie’s pride and joy. The dang bird was trained to cock-a-doodle-doo to the lyrics. If any song could get Maybell going, it was this tune.
I punched in the code for “Achy Breaky Heart,” and Charlie and I went to the dance floor in the corner, away from all the tables.
“Ready?” He grapevined left, and I went right. “Got some left feet there, Masie?”
“Dang it. I swear I know it!” I’d done this dance a hundred times. Grapevine, grapevine, forward right, forward left, kick, back, step, turn. “I’m just rusty—fending off evil vampires and all!” I smiled.
We danced a full set of steps before six, eight, twelve patrons got up to join us. But where was Maybell? She couldn’t resist dancing to this song.
I spotted her refilling a customer’s water across the room.
I marched over.
“Excuse me, y’all,” I said to the couple seated at the table. “Needin’ my sister for a moment.” I grabbed her hand.
“What’re you doin’, Masie?”
“Come on. They’re playing your song.”
“I can’t dance right now. I’m workin’.”
“Just one song. That’s an order.” I was still the boss, after all.
I dragged her to the dance floor, parked her feet at the front of the line, and stood beside her.
Maybell just stood there, staring straight ahead like a zombie.
“Well, move your feet.” I gave her arm a nudge.
Nothing.
I pivoted and faced her, taking both hands. “See. Just step to the side like me.” I moved a few inches left, then right.
After five seconds, it was as if something snapped free in her head, and she began leading the line with vigor.
I jumped out of the way and took a spot to her side. “You’re doing it.”
“Masie? What’s happening?” she asked.
Well, let’s see. “What do you think about vampires?”
“They scare me,” she called out over the music, continuing the dance.
“How about Stark?” I asked, following along.
“He’s hot but creepy as hell.”
Well, dip me in ranch and call me a salad. It’s working! Otherwise, she’d be telling me how great it was that vampires wanted to be called “repurposed people.”
“Then you keep dancing,” I said. “And promise you won’t drink any more moonshine. Okay?”
She nodded and kept on moving. “I like skinny margos anyway.”
According to Charlie, her moment of clarity would only last as long as the music, but I hoped a part of her would resist drinking more. Unfortunately, I had bigger problems than babysitting Maybell. Like saving the world.
I jostled to a spot next to Charlie, who was trying to keep up with the line, but still having a good time, judging by the smile on his face.
“Hey, so, just to make sure, have you taken any moonshine?” I asked.
“Never,” he replied just as the song ended.
“So,” he said, “now you believe me?”
He’d proven he wasn’t under the influence of moonshine, but now I had another unexpected issue to deal with. And it was a big one.