Chapter Fifteen
I called Charlie five times before heading back to my apartment in town, but he didn’t pick up. I hoped he was okay so I could scream, “Are you messing with me right now?”
But Charlie hadn’t answered, and I didn’t want to leave a message or text, considering our activities were top secret. At least now I knew why they’d been rounding up enemy vampires. They needed ingredients. Specifically…
Oh God. I can’t believe I drank the stuff!
Vampire brains. Brains! Brains, for damned sake. Moonshine called for two brains per ten gallons of filtered water.
I really hate you, Stark. He’d been force-feeding me vampire-noggin liqueur the entire time.
What was even more grotesque was that the recipe called for the brains to be stewed with frankincense, cardamom, basil, and ten other plants before being filtered and distilled.
When I looked up the herbs, they turned out to be the stuff ancient Egyptian embalmers used thousands of years ago to pickle pharaoh innards.
Yuck. And I’d guzzled it all down like a parched zombie.
I entered my apartment, setting Betsy on the counter, and went to the fridge in search of anything to erase the moonshine memories from my mouth. Pickings were slim. I had one beer, some old orange juice, and mayo.
Brushing my teeth it is. I went to the bathroom and brushed for five minutes before returning to the kitchen in search of actual food. I hadn’t gotten the opportunity to eat my slaw or taters at the Rooster on account of wanting to puke my brains out after reading the recipe.
“I hope your meticulous oral regimen is to wash the taste of Charlie Cross from your lips,” said a dark voice behind me in the kitchen doorway as I stared into my nearly empty cupboard.
So they haven’t captured him yet. Too bad.
I swiveled on my heel, finding Stark dressed in an unusual outfit.
Black leather pants, heavy biker boots, and a black leather jacket.
His long dark hair was unkempt and wild, and he had smudges of dirt on his face.
He looked like he’d joined a motorcycle gang.
Or had just fought off something with sharp teeth. Maybe both? Either way, not my problem.
“I told you not to come back,” I said. “And I enjoyed that kiss. It was given freely, unlike most of the ones I gave you.” I was not about to tell Stark that I’d kissed Charlie because he’d been testing out the moonshine or that it had been a trap.
Stark wasn’t on our side; he was on the side of himself and no one else.
“Ooh. Ouch.” He pressed his hand over his heart mockingly. Probably because his arrogance wouldn’t allow him to believe I honestly felt that way. After all, Stark was a big, yummy vampire. What woman wouldn’t want to kiss him, right?
Me! That’s who.
With a sigh of contempt, I shook my head. “I’ve got to get some sleep.”
“Big day tomorrow?” he asked.
“A regular human day filled with honest work.”
“I would believe you, but you are no regular woman, Masie Kicklighter.”
I wasn’t in the mood for his commentary or manipulative tactics. I loved him, yes. But it was something I intended to rectify. “Leave, Monty, or I’ll—”
“You’ll what?” He grinned.
“I get it. You’re a big, strong, ancient man. You could kill me with a flick of your pinky. I’m just not so impressed anymore.”
I removed a bowl from the dishrack, grabbed the Oaty Oats cereal box from the cupboard, and took a beer from the fridge.
“Out of milk again?” he said condescendingly.
“Yep. And this is what us Kicklighters do. We don’t complain. We don’t wish the fridge were full of milk when it’s not. We accept things as they are and march on, which is exactly what you should do. March on out.”
He shrugged casually. “Or you could simply go to the store.”
True. “Dammit, Stark, just skedaddle.”
“When I am good and ready,” he said pompously, like he was the king of my castle.
“You know what? You remind me of that gum permanently stuck to the inside of my purse. Once upon a time, it was something tasty. I’d even put it in my mouth.
Now, it’s just a nasty, sticky mess with a few stray Tic Tacs mixed in.
” I’d tried a thousand times to scrape it off the leather, but it just wouldn’t budge.
“Have you tried applying ice and chipping it away? I read it in a magazine. Or perhaps that was a tip for hair.” He scratched his chin. “I do not recall. However, if your analogy means I am something grotesque you wish to be rid of, then it is flawed.” He chuckled smugly.
“Excuse me?”
“Well, you could simply throw the purse away in order to dispose of the gum. Easily done. I think a more appropriate metaphor would be a large hairy mole or a perhaps an exotic venereal disease. Now those are difficult to get rid of—a much better choice if you wish to insult a person.”
Was he really schooling me on insults right now?
I began mixing my cereal with the beer, and it immediately overflowed with fizzy bubbles, so I set it in the sink with a grumble.
“I’m tired, hungry, and in no mood for you right now, so I am going to ask you one last time to leave.
” I stepped forward and poked his extremely firm chest. “Because you and me? We aren’t on the same team no more. ” I doubted we ever were.
“I suppose you are on Team Charlie Cross now?” He sounded amused, as if the idea were beneath him.
“Yes,” I replied.
“And you also wish to fuck him?” He laughed.
So Stark had been there tonight, listening to every word outside the Rooster. But why hadn’t he fallen for the trap?
“What’s so dang funny?” I snapped.
“You knew I would be keeping an eye on you.”
“And?” I said.
“You put on that display in an attempt to make me jealous. Honestly, I found it amusing.”
So that was why Charlie’s little exhibition failed. Stark hadn’t believed the show. It also explained why Stark was here, in such a good mood after our last altercation. Stark’s manipulative, calculating mind told him I was playing a game in order to win him back.
Interesting. Had I finally found his true Achilles’ heel? Stark believed that everyone acted with ulterior motives instead of just saying what was on their minds. In this case, however, he was partially right. I had been up to something, and the good news? He had no clue what it was.
Stark added, “But, Masie, if you wish to make me jealous, at least choose someone worthy. That fool Charlie is no match for me.”
Shows what you know, Stark. Charlie was out there rounding up the bad vampires to stave off a war, in addition to ensuring the Repurposed People Act would get shot down.
And what was Stark doing? Bupkus.
Sadly, I couldn’t shove any of this in his face. In fact, it would be wiser to lead his calculating mind away from our plans.
“A worthy match?” I said. “You mean like your brother?”
Stark’s smug grin melted off his handsome face. I’d hit a nerve. Good. I didn’t want him focused on why I’d really kissed Charlie.
“Lazlo was a fool and in no way my equal,” he said with a snarl.
“You sure? Because like you, Lazlo only cared about power. He’d lie, steal, and kill to get it. Sound familiar?”
“How dare you speak to me in such a manner? Lazlo kidnapped and tortured you. Whereas I was willing to give up everything to help you.”
Help? Stark got me put away for murder all because he’d been jealous of the time I’d spent with Lazlo. As a freaking prisoner! With my sister!
Now I was triggered.
“No,” I corrected. “You did it for you. All you care about is coming out on top no matter what. You said so yourself.” He would only take a stand against the bill if he gained sufficient support from other powerful vampires. Otherwise, tough noogies, humans!
“It is called living to fight another day.”
“How many days does one man need before he’ll step up?
When does he decide that this day is worth fighting for?
Because you’ve had five hundred years of days, and here you are, doing nothing but playing politics while the world is about to sink into a pit so dark and bloody, there’ll be nothing left worth livin’ for.
Not even for a vampire. Because without free, happy people and our love of sunshine, friends, and family, there’ll be no vineyards, no wine, no festive holiday air fresheners to mask the scent of your putrid antiques.
Every tiny thing that makes your shallow life enjoyable will die when you turn us into nothing more than food. ”
He narrowed his eyes, but he knew I was right.
I added, “I see you, Montgomery Stark. But do you see me? Do you see what’s really at stake?”
“Twenty-twenty vision, woman.” He turned to leave.
“And don’t even think of making my living room look like a Dateline episode again!” Though, going to prison with a bunch of murderers was probably safer than being out here.
He stopped for a moment, as if contemplating a few final words, but then marched out the door instead.
Maybe he knew there wasn’t much more he could say. I was ready to fight to the death for this world, and he wasn’t.
“In case you’re still listening,” I yelled, “we are over. Done. And there’s nothing you can do about it.” Not even if he pickled me in moonshine. “And stop drugging my family!”
The irony was that I planned to help Charlie save the world with the exact substance Stark had used against me.
Does that make me just like him? I wondered. I was about to drug a few dozen people in order to make them do our bidding.
No, Mas. You never had sex with all those people and said I love you. All I wanted was to stop a group of monsters from turning us into pork chops.
Without a doubt, my motives were pure, and what Stark had done to me was terrible, but in the back of my mind, I still felt guilty.
Why?
Early the next morning, I still hadn’t received a reply from Charlie, but I got a call from the warehouse manager at the Flaming Rooster about an unmarked, refrigerated shipment that had come in. A good sign that maybe Charlie was still alive? Then I remembered what was in it.
Vampire brains… A shiver of repulsion rolled through me. How would I explain any of this to Joe when he came in to brew the moonshine?
“Oh no. Joe!” With the commotion, I’d completely forgotten to call him. “Bad, bad Masie.” I went for my phone on the kitchen counter and dialed. It went straight to voicemail.
“Joe! Masie. I need you to call me back. It’s…” What should I say? “…a whiskey emergency. We have a problem with the equipment and—”
My other line went off. The caller ID read Joe.
“Thank God.” I switched over. “Joe! How fast can you get here?”
“What’s goin’ on, boss?” He spoke slower than usual, like he’d just woken up. To be clear, Joe was like a loving, extra-large porch hound who enjoyed living life at a slow pace. Not the best bartender, but a good friend and great employee.
“I’ll explain when you get here. Where are you?” I asked.
“Sorry, boss. Can’t come. Elvira and I decided to tie the knot tonight, and—”
“I’ll give you an extra month of vacation. But you have to get here fast.”
“Masie.” He sounded insulted.
“Sorry. Sorry. Congratulations. I’m really happy for you both.
How about you get married next week, and I pay for the honeymoon?
You like Disney, right?” I had no clue where they wanted to go, but if the two loved Elvis, maybe they’d be into another American institution like Mickey Mouse?
On the other hand, McD’s and hotdogs fell into the same category. Not so romantic.
Silence.
“Plus a raise?” I added. “Ten percent.”
“What’s going on?” he asked, sounding worried.
“Dangit,” I muttered under my breath. If I wanted him to delay something as important as his wedding, I’d have to tell him the truth.
“Don’t repeat this to anyone, but vampires are about to turn the world into a soft-serve machine, and people are the squishy ice-cream goop.
I need you here to help me stop them. By making moonshine. ”
“Moonshine, boss?”
“Ugh. I can explain more when you get here.” I paused. “Two months’ vacation.” How could he refuse that?
There was a long pause.
“Joe?” I said.
“Hey. This is Elvira. Joe isn’t coming. And after I turn him tonight, he’ll belong to me.” She cackled sadistically.
Joe’s girlfriend was a vampire? And she was going to turn him?
An angry pulse rushed through me. “Don’t you dare touch him, or so help me—”
“You’ll what? Fire him?” She laughed. “He doesn’t need you or your ridiculous job anymore.”
Joe was like an older brother. We loved him.
She did not get to have him. “I wasn’t going to fire him.
I’m calling the police. Or—or I’ll tell your coven leader.
” Not that I knew who they were, but it couldn’t be difficult to find out.
Turning people into vampires was still considered murder until the Repurposed People Act passed.
Her sadistic giggle turned into hysterical laughter, and I understood why.
My threats meant nothing to her. In vampire world, I wasn’t dangerous or feared by anyone.
Not yet. Even if some believed I was Queen Anna, I hadn’t claimed the throne.
I hadn’t rallied the vampire masses to my call.
I didn’t even have a coven. Being Anna meant nothing without an army of loyal vampires behind me. I’m about as scary as a booger.
Still, I had to do something.
Bluff. “Elvira, I’m going to say this once, and I hope your rusty crippy brain registers it: things are about to change for vampires, especially for Queen Anna.
Aka me. When they do, you will be at the very top of my coven’s kill list. But I won’t let them touch you.
I will come personally. First, for anyone you care about and then for everything you own.
You will be left alone, penniless, and staked to the ground at sunrise.
” I needed to bring it home with something terrifying.
But what? “Only, I’ll be sure to shield your torso so that just your appendages sizzle off into smelly nubs.
You’ll look like a nasty vampire potato no one wants to eat.
Not even those vegan hippies who enjoy funky-shaped veggies at the farmer’s market. ”
The other end of the line fell silent. I hoped that meant she’d bought my act.
“Put Joe on a plane,” I demanded. “Unharmed. Never show your face in my territory again.” For now, that was the Flaming Rooster, so pretty easy request.
“What if he wants to turn?” she replied bitterly.
If it was true, I’d talk him out of it. At the very least, I’d make sure he wasn’t on vampire roofies. “Touch him and find out.”
I ended the call, my pulse pounding. Please, God, let Joe be okay. There wasn’t much else I could do for him right now other than the same thing I had to do for everyone else. Move forward.
I hung my head. “Let’s go make some moonshine.”