Chapter 16 Sam
Sam
My head ached, the pain burrowing into my skull, and I clutched my hands over my hair, pressing like I might be able to squash the pain away. But maybe I’d never been so awake as I was right now. Straight from sleep to awareness — smells assaulted me immediately.
Damp and the lingering odor of salt-filled sweat.
My eyes sprang open, and I sucked in a breath as I stared at Kyle’s sleeping face, inches away from me across the pillow. I’d never been in his bedroom before, and I didn’t remember coming here now.
Something was different in my body. A feeling of being alive that hadn’t been there for a very long time. Something vital. I wasn’t on a slow march toward death anymore, and I didn’t know how I knew that.
Energy teased me, spiraling and twisting through me, pressing upward under my skin like it almost couldn’t be contained. My gums were full, and there was pressure behind them that didn’t ease when I ran the tip of my tongue over the tender area.
I was vampire.
The thought was both foreign and innate. Something that shouldn’t have been possible but also something that couldn’t be denied. I just knew it.
Sometime between being inside that shack in the bayou and waking up here, Kyle had turned me.
I was vampire and I was fucking strong.
Oh my God, nothing had ever been like this. Total awareness of everything — dust motes in the air, the thread count under my ass. The sound of Kyle’s breathing.
But where was the pain? Any rumors and stories I’d heard always spoke of pain — burning worse than an unwanted feed or agony while the body shifted and reshaped itself, becoming new and different… and undead.
Esmé had sometimes spoken in scathing terms about the humans who were too weak to make the transition or the humans who didn’t come through it for days on end. Although, perhaps if she could have guaranteed I wouldn’t make it, she’d have tried to turn me herself.
I didn’t feel weak, though, and I was still here.
I wasn’t lost in some sort of private hell like Esmé had described seeing — humans who wouldn’t reawaken right away, or had fevers, hallucinations and dreams akin to night terrors.
Those humans were the ones that good vampires watched anxiously over.
Presumably, Esmé had never kept that kind of watch over anyone. Would she have watched over Sean? In my heart, I knew the answer was yes. If Esmé had ever loved at all, it had been my brother. That had been undeniable.
And she would have gifted him this if they hadn’t been attacked. Perhaps I shouldn’t have saved her, but I hadn’t known any better, and I hadn’t known what destruction to my own life my actions would bring.
I stretched and yawned, the movements habitual. There was no lingering sense of sleep anywhere in my body. Instead, there was the fizz of excitement for a new day. Something that had been missing for a very long time. There was something exciting about just being alive.
As I watched Kyle, his eyes opened, the deep brown still those melting pools of chocolate as he looked at me, appearing to see right inside me and search my soul in the very first glance.
He touched my cheek, merely grazing it with his fingertips before brushing some of my hair from my face and tucking it behind my ear. I wriggled around to face him more fully, leeching some of his warmth from the space between us. I was in Kyle’s bed. That revelation wasn’t lost on me.
But somehow it felt natural — like there was nowhere else I belonged. He closed the space between us and kissed me gently, little more than a soft tug on my lips before he drew away again.
“How are you feeling?” His lips pinched at the corners in an unfamiliar indication of worry, and he caressed my cheek again.
I didn’t even need to think about it. “Pretty good,” I said, and his eyes narrowed. “Amazing, actually,” I amended. “I haven’t felt like this since…since…”
“Never?” Kyle supplied, flashing a small grin.
I stopped and considered. Even before Esmé, I hadn’t felt so… aware. Colors had never been so vivid, sounds so loud.
“I don’t have that undercurrent of want,” I murmured. “There isn’t that niggle in the back of my mind telling me that I need something, that something is missing.”
“The venom?” It was a quiet question, but I nodded.
“Yeah. I don’t need it anymore.” That realization was life-changing. I wouldn’t be ruled by an urge I couldn’t control anymore.
Esmé couldn’t control me.
“Maybe this is how I used to feel.” I shrugged. “I can barely remember.”
Kyle wrapped his arms around me and drew me closer against his body, and I lay my head against his chest, my arm thrown over him as we melded together.
“I can finally breathe,” I said.
He chuckled. “Not that you need to. That’s just an old habit your body will continue for now.”
I giggled at the idea something as vital as breathing was no longer necessary. “How much do you know about Esmé?”
He stiffened, his muscles tensing beneath me as his hold tightened. “Other than the fact I could cheerfully enact her final death?”
I sighed. “She wasn’t always that way. She knew love once. Had a mate.”
Kyle huffed. “I think you said. And her mate was your brother?”
“That’s right.” I glanced up, taking in his face.
He had a beautiful face, and I loved to look at it.
Particularly now, like this. There was something relaxed and unguarded about this moment, like I was seeing something that would usually be private, and he was sharing it only with me.
He looked at me, the angle forcing him to press his chin to his chest. “I can still hardly believe Esmé loved your brother.”
“Yeah. Sean.” I moved to rest my palm on his chest, able to feel the thud of his heart through his skin.
I could hear it too, that old remnant of humanity, and the steady beat comforted me.
There was something reassuring about being so close to life, and the presence of another person, and the intimacy that brought.
“He was there the day we were attacked.” Sudden tears filled my eyes, and I blinked.
Goddamn. I’d been so numb for so long, I’d forgotten about rushes of emotion.
I cleared my throat and blinked furiously.
I wasn’t ready for the weakness of tears yet.
That would make me too vulnerable — which was ridiculous given we were lying here nearly naked, wrapped together, but my self-control was the last thing I had.
It was a protective coating over me. Like armor.
And I wasn’t ready to shed it. Not yet anyway.
Esmé had pretty much stripped my self-control away completely, but now it was back, and I was glad for it.
“Before, you mentioned an attack?” He was still looking at me, but I shifted my position and looked over his chest at the wall opposite as I doodled my fingers across his skin.
Being so close to a man and being allowed to touch him so casually was still such a privilege. I didn’t want to look at him as I spoke, though. It was easier to tell this story and not let him see all of me.
“Yeah. Esmé and Sean were a thing. He loved her like he’d lost his mind.
We spent a lot of time together, the three of us.
When I met Esmé, she got me a job at the bar where she worked, and we were really good friends.
” I sighed at the thoughts of those days.
“Best friends. I didn’t know what she was.
Then I introduced her to Sean and that’s when everything changed.
Where it all went wrong, I suppose. I didn’t know what she and Sean had planned — she didn’t tell me until later. ”
And then she’d told me many times as she’d raged at me for not letting her die, for condemning her to a life without her mate.
“I lost Sean, too,” I whispered. “It wasn’t just her, and I couldn’t lose them both that day, so I saved the only one I could. I didn’t know it would lead to… all of… all of this.”
Kyle nodded, the movement big enough to feel. “Who attacked?” He kept his tone light, but I could tell he was assessing, and his mind was working, information gathering.
“The Blackbloods. I don’t think Brock expected Esmé to be caught up in the attack.
She’d helped orchestrate it, but she and Sean had a change of plans or…
” I sighed. “I don’t know. It’s all a blur.
But she nearly died, and I saved her, and she’s never forgiven me for that.
I don’t think Brock would have cared if she died, but I did. ”
My last words were vehement. Back then, I hadn’t known I was saving the woman who’d come to hate me more than anyone else in the world. I hadn’t known I was signing my own death warrant.
“And you bound yourself to her.” It was Kyle’s turn to sigh.
“I didn’t know that would happen. The whole thing was such a shock.
First, my friend, my brother’s girlfriend, was a vampire…
I didn’t even know you… we existed. Then Sean was dead and Esmé was dying, but I could save her, you know?
So, I did. I saved her.” I used to feel pride at that statement, but no longer.
“I let her bite me and I let her take as much blood as she needed.”
My life would have been a whole hell of a lot easier if I’d just let her die that night. But maybe saving Esmé had kept me alive long enough for Kyle to find me. Perhaps everything had worked out just as it needed to.
I glanced at his face again, meeting his eyes, loving that zing of connection. “Thank you for right now.”
He chuckled. “For what?”
I shrugged, the movement small. “I know I’m not the best you could have picked.” Hell, this guy must have had serious options. Better options than me, anyway. “And I feel lucky to be here with you.” I shrugged again. My words didn’t say enough really, but they’d have to do while I thought of more.
“No thanks are required. You’re the only one I will ever want.” Fervor shone in his gaze, even though his voice was soft.