Chapter 36
MAVERICK
I slam my glove down on the bench, barely holding back a curse. What a fucking shit show of a game. Any hopes of us making the playoffs might as well be dead in the water now, and I’m to blame.
I’m playing like a goddamn rookie out there. Fumbling everything and swinging at trash pitches. It’s a fucking miracle I’m still in the game. Coach is either an idiot or he’s enjoying making me suffer.
“Get it together, Mav,” the man in question snaps. “You’re off your game this week and we can’t have that, son. So figure your shit out because I need my guy back by the time you get out on that field again. You hear me?”
I nod without meeting his stare. He storms away from the corner of the dugout I’ve sequestered myself and my bad mood in. The game continues, everyone giving me a wide berth.
I don’t need to figure my shit out. I know exactly what’s wrong. It’s been four days since Sadie walked out. And my performance has steadily gotten worse over the last three games, and today it’s at an all-time low.
The connection couldn’t be more obvious.
But the fix? Impossible.
I jog back out onto the field for the next inning and thank fuck the ball doesn’t come my way. Kai manages to strike out two players in quick succession, and then Darling and Sin field a hit like a dream team, giving us the third out.
Even so, we take a loss.
The locker room is subdued. Thankfully, no one comes at me for my shit performance. Guess they heard Coach yelling at me earlier and figured that was enough. It’s not; I deserve all their anger and disappointment.
As I’m walking out to my car, Ronan jogs up beside me. “Mav. Hold up.”
I don’t slow my steps. “Not interested, Sin.”
He grabs my arm and I spin around, fists clenched. “Seriously. I don’t wanna talk.”
He folds his arms across his chest and stares at me. “Too fucking bad. You’re lucky it’s just me out here and not everyone else.”
Great. Here it comes. I knew it was too good to be true that no one yelled at me in the locker room. Guess they were saving it for now.
“I played like shit. I know. It’s the yips. I’ll figure it out,” I bark.
“It’s not the yips. The others can think it is, but you and I know it’s not that.” His voice is deadly calm. “Willow told me about you and Sadie. I’m sorry, man, I know you really liked her.”
My heart stops. Fucking grinds to a halt right there in the parking lot as I wait to see what else Willow told him. Because there’s only one person she would have heard anything from. And it’s the woman I thought would never betray me by spilling my secrets.
Was I really that wrong?
“She asked me if I knew what happened because Sadie’s keeping quiet about it.
Guess all she said was that things didn’t work out, and she refused to say more.
So I’m asking. Is there more? Do you need anything from me, from us?
Because no matter what you fucking think, you’re not alone. The guys, we’ve got your back, Mav.”
Well, fuck.
That’s not what I was expecting him to say. “I’ll be fine,” I reply gruffly, unable to think of any other response. “Gotta go.” I push past him, reaching my car and climbing in without looking back.
But the entire drive back to my cold, dark, lonely-as-fuck apartment, I can’t stop thinking…
What have I done?
Rolling over in bed the next morning, my hand lands on the pillow next to me just as it has every morning since I last slept with Sadie. The smell of her shampoo has faded, but I can’t bring myself to wash it.
When it became clear last night that Sadie hadn’t betrayed my trust, hadn’t told anyone anything about what really went down between us, something cracked inside of me.
She didn’t spill my secrets, but I didn’t trust her not to. If anything, that one fact has me tied up in knots.
It doesn’t take a genius, or even someone experienced in relationships, to know that without trust, you’ve got fuck all. So maybe this is the proof I need that I did the right thing by pushing her away before we got any deeper.
I don’t have to be at the stadium until the afternoon, leaving me aimless and with too much time and space to get caught up in my thoughts this morning.
Grabbing a few items from the fridge, I cross the hall and knock, then open Ralph’s door. “Hey, old man, you up for some breakfast?” I call out when I don’t see him in the living room.
I head to the kitchen and start chopping ingredients for an omelet.
“What are you doing here, it’s not Saturday,” he grumbles as he shuffles down the hall. “Where’s that girl of yours? She makes good coffee.”
I hide my wince. “She’s not coming, man. We’re not seeing each other anymore.”
I can feel the weight of his stare. “You screwed up, boy.”
All I can do is nod. Then I turn to the stove and start cooking. “Make yourself useful and get the coffee going.”
“Won’t be as good as hers,” Ralph mutters under his breath as he slowly makes his way around the kitchen, pulling down two mugs and the instant coffee from a shelf and putting water on to boil.
Soon we’re sitting down and eating. The food is tasteless in my mouth. I make myself finish and clean up the dishes. “I gotta go get ready for practice. See you later,” I say woodenly. Ralph stares at me, and I know he can see right through me, but thankfully, he doesn’t say anything.
Back at my apartment, I change into some workout clothes before heading out for a run around the city.
But once I get back, I’m no more settled than I was before.
After a shower and a protein shake, I lean against the counter and stare at my couch, where Sadie spent so many days working.
Trapped here because of me and the dumb as fuck idea Colin had, to make her pretend to date me.
This is all my fault. Any pain she’s feeling and all the misery I’m feeling is because I was the fucking idiot who couldn’t stop myself from protecting her from that asshole of an ex.
The fucked-up thing is, even now, knowing how it all worked out, I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
An hour later, I haven’t moved from the spot on the couch I slumped into.
And I wouldn’t be moving, if not for the knock on my door.
I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised when I open it and see Eli standing there.
And truthfully, it’s not him that is the surprise, it’s what he looks like.
For the first time in a long time, his clothes are clean and well-fitting.
His eyes are clear, and his hair looks washed.
He looks like a regular guy, not an addict.
“Hey, man,” he says nervously. “I know you told me not to come around or be near Sadie. I know I’m taking my life in my hands by being here. But I had to risk it so I could thank her.”
Of all the shit I thought he’d say, that wasn’t even on the list.
“Thank her?” I croak.
He nods. “Yeah. I dunno how to explain it, Mav, talking to her was like a fucking wake-up call or something. I knew I was in deep shit. Too deep. But she got me to see how I was pulling you in, too. And that’s…
it’s not okay, bro. I never wanted to do that, I swear.
I was mad at you and Colin, but that wasn’t fair.
Fuck —” He rakes his fingers through his hair, trembling slightly.
“None of this is fair. Our goddamn lives haven’t been fair.
And I made it worse. For myself and for you.
I’ve blamed you two for not being the brothers you said you were, but really, I was the one that pushed us apart. ”
I stand there, slack-jawed, staring at him. What the hell happened? But no sooner do I think that, I have my answer.
Sadie. Sadie happened. I step back and wave him inside. I see him glance around, no doubt looking for her. If he notices the lack of any sign of her being here, he doesn’t comment. Instead, we go to the couch, and then he continues to blow my goddamn mind.
“After she and I talked, that same fucking day, I went to a local shelter and made an appointment with an addictions counselor. When you saw me at the bar, I’d just filled out a form to apply for residential treatment.
The publicly-funded ones have long waits, but the counselor got me on the list. And I’ve been clean.
Well, aside from smoking some joints to make it through.
” He lets out a harsh laugh. “The counselor said it was impressive I could manage on just that. But I can’t do it forever.
I need help. Real help. Just gotta hope a bed comes available soon. ”
“I’ll pay.” The words are out before I can think about them. But I don’t need to. This is the help he needs. This is what I can do for him. Better than anything else I’ve ever done by far. “Find a private one. The best available. I don’t give a fuck what the cost, I’ll pay.”
Eli’s eyes widen as he shakes his head. “No way, Mav, I can’t let you do that. You’ve already done so much.”
“Yeah, all the wrong shit,” I bite out. “I’ve failed you so many times, Eli. Every time I gave you money, knowing it was going to drugs, I failed you. Don’t let me fail you this time. Let me pay. Please.”
We stare at each other for a second. Then Eli’s eyes fill with tears. “Fuck, man,” he whispers. “Thank you.”
I don’t know which one of us moves first, but then we’re hugging, hands slapping each other’s backs, both of us crying. And at some point, my tears become less about him, and more about me.
I guess Eli senses the shift and pulls back. “Hey. Mav. What’s goin’ on?”
“I fucked up.”
“Shit.”
I nod, swiping away the moisture on my cheeks.
“What did you do?” he asks cautiously.
“Pushed her away before she could leave me.” One simple sentence that somehow sums up all the ways I’m fucked-up inside. All the broken pieces of me, captured in just a few words.
“Do you know why you did it?”
Reluctantly, I nod. “Because good shit never lasts. So why drag it out if I know it’s gonna end soon anyway.”
Eli snorts, making my head whip up to glare at him. He holds his hands up in defense. “Look, I love you, and I know you can beat my ass, but I’m gonna say it anyway. That’s the biggest pile of bullshit I’ve ever heard.”
“Fuck you,” I start angrily, but he gives his head a sharp shake to stop me.
“No, fuck you. Listen to me, Mav. We were dealt a shit hand. All of us. Our families were piles of shit and we grew up in a broken system with everything stacked against us. But look at what you did. Look at what Colin did. You guys left our fucked-up childhoods behind and rose so far above it all. He’s a goddamn lawyer-agent-whatever, with a girl he loves and a life that looks nothing like the one he left.
You’re a fucking superstar baseball player, making more money than any of us could have dreamed of as kids.
And you have a girl who makes you happy.
That’s all good shit, and it’s worth having even if it doesn’t last forever.
Wouldn’t you rather be happy for a short time than never at all?
I know I would.” His voice turns bitter at the end.
“I’d take what you have for even a day if I could, just to know what it feels like to be happy and loved. ”
I want to tell him he’s wrong, that it hurts to see what could be and know you can’t have it, but I know he’d tell me to get my head out of my ass. The only thing telling me I can’t have it — have Sadie — is me.
Somehow, Eli’s words and his wish to live my life for a day breaks down whatever resistance was left in my heart. I already knew I fucked up pushing Sadie away, but I had accepted there was no way to fix it. That I didn’t deserve to make things right.
But seeing him like this, knowing she’s responsible for my brother finally wanting to get his shit together, knowing she did that because of her feelings for me, something shifts.
I might not fully believe I deserve her, and she sure as hell deserves better than a fuckup like me, but I don’t want to go back to the half life I was living before she came along. Or stay in the hell I’m living in, now that I’ve had a taste of what my life could be like with her.
Looking at my brother, I say the words I’ve never told anyone but Sadie.
“Eli, I need your help.”