VANDAL
Isuck in a breath and look straight to the top-shelf liquor.
Havoc messaged me and told me he already got me a beer. And food.
But what I think I need now is some whiskey and that cloudless feeling I get when it’s mixed with painkillers. I sway a little and realize I’m probably way drunker than I have any right to be, so I reach out and hold onto the bar top for stability.
Unlike the previous evening when I stupidly rode across town to get to Elsie, I got a prospect to drive me down here. Most uncomfortable six minutes of my life.
But at least I’m showered this time.
“Wasn’t trying to cause a scene. Was just trying to help you off the floor before that fucking asswipe flicked any more beer over you.”
Daisy’s eyes are wide. “He was entitled to be angry.”
I shake my head. “Big difference between being annoyed you got a bit of beer on your pants, and standing up like you were about to chin kick a helpless woman.”
“I wasn’t helpless. He would have…” She blows out a breath. “You know what. Thank you for helping me up. And Havoc’s right, your food is likely going cold. You should go eat it.”
With that, she turns around, and I get a good look at her long legs.
They’re tan and smooth and disappear beneath a short black skirt that hugs her ass.
And I’m not the only one who notices. I see men checking her out as she walks by, but her nonchalant air suggests she’s not aware of the effect she’s having.
I shove my hands into my pockets and go join my brothers at the table. They’ve given me a chair between Havoc and Knox.
“You good?” Knox says as I sit down.
“Define ‘good,’” I mutter, before reaching for the burger and taking a large mouthful. It might be approaching mid-afternoon, but I haven’t eaten today.
Unless you count the Johnny Walker and maybe eight pills.
“You haven’t been out with us for lunch in a month. And you’re here now,” Knox says. “What made you come?”
One sec, Van. I’ll get a burger, extra cheese, extra onions, and substitute the fries for onion rings, please, Daisy.
My eyes lift to where Daisy is coming out of the kitchen with a full tray.
“I have a theory about why he’s here,” Reaper says, pointing a fry in Daisy’s direction. “The big question is, how did she end up on his radar?”
Knox groans. “For fuck’s sake.”
“What?” Sunny asks. “That was movie shit right there. Damsel in distress. Hero steps in and protects her. And instant chemistry. Boom. He’s cunt struck.”
Knox shakes his head. “You have the emotional maturity of a fourteen-year-old.”
Sunny chows down on a spoonful of chili. “Your problem is you don’t have a romantic soul and didn’t read enough as a kid, Prez.”
“Maren would say different,” Havoc says. “She paints shit, and he hangs it. Even if it’s the two of them fucking.”
Knox takes the wooden pick out of his sandwich. “Especially if it’s paintings of us fucking.”
“It’s artisanal porn,” Reaper says.
Even I manage a chuckle at that.
“Artisanal fucking porn,” Sunny manages to repeat through tears of laughter.
Before they all left for the bar, both Reaper and Havoc had tried to persuade me to come with them. Of course I didn’t want to. But Havoc dragged me to my feet, naked, and shoved me into the shower before turning the cold tap on.
I could feel his disappointment at my state but was still just sober enough to hear the fear and worry for me. His words haunt me.
You were injured. You’ll heal. But what you’re doing to yourself now? That’s a lifelong thing you gotta manage, brother.
I turn to Knox. “Havoc said some shit to me before I left. Got me thinking.”
Knox takes a bite of his sandwich. “About what?”
“The economy,” Sunny offers helpfully.
“Aliens,” Havoc offers.
“Constipation,” Reaper offers.
Knox turns with his face screwed up.
“What?” Reaper says. “Would it kill any of you to actually eat your fucking vegetables?”
Sunny points to Reaper’s plate. “You got cheese put on your salad.”
“It’s protein and dairy.” Reaper glares down at the cheese mountain on Sunny’s chili. “And I know what a serving size looks like.”
Sunny laughs. “I’m a growing boy, what can I say?”
“You’re a fucking man child,” Havoc says.
“Fuck’s sake,” Knox says, looking back at me. “I asked why you came, you said you’d been thinking. About what?”
“Just stuff. Trying to put things into some kind of perspective.”
He nods like he understands.
He doesn’t. I’m thinking of quitting. Trying to quit. After lunch.
I reach for my beer. “I’m fine,” I say, not knowing whether I’m trying to reassure him…or me.
Knox huffs and dips two fries into a pool of ketchup. “Yeah. Course you are.”
But the sarcasm is so thick, I’d be a fool to miss it.
As I take a sip of the cold beer, my mom’s contact pops up on the screen.
I know I can’t keep dodging her forever.
I told her I came off my bike, which is her second-worst nightmare.
Her first is me getting killed because I’m an Outlaw.
The bike accident felt like the lesser of the two evils.
She’s been to the clubhouse to see me, and I know she’s worried.
I haven’t made it out to her house to help with any of the usual shit I deal with.
There’s a piece of me, one that’s pretty drenched in shame, that doesn’t want her to witness who I am right now.
Hell, I don’t even want the men at this table to witness it…and yet I take a large gulp of the beer, knowing it’s gonna take a lot of the stuff to take the edge off, and it’s a lot less volume if you swallow a bottle of whiskey.
I’m about to down the beer in one long draw, when I catch Daisy’s eyes on me. I see disappointment in her eyes, and it hurts more than it should considering I barely know the woman.
I’m halfway done with my burger when Daisy comes over to the table, the tray tucked efficiently under her arm. “Is everyone doing okay? Your food tasting good? You need more drinks?”
Reaper is closest to her, and he looks up at her with that flirtatious smile of his. “All good here, Daisy. Are you doing okay?”
Fuck. I was gonna ask her that.
She pins a bright smile on her face. “I’m all good, thanks for asking. So, nobody needs anything?”
“Lottery numbers?” Havoc says.
“If I had those, I wouldn’t be sharing them,” Daisy says with a smile.
“Sunny needs a personality transplant,” Reaper says. “If you got one of those behind the bar, he’d appreciate it.”
Sunny throws a sugar packet at the medic.
Daisy laughs and then turns to me, the edge of humor disappearing quickly. “You good, Vandal?”
My addled brain can’t come up with anything funny or flirtatious or…well…normal. So I simply nod and do that wordless thumbs-up thing when someone asks how your food is just as you took a huge bite.
When I see her ass walk away, I think of how her and Elsie looked in those damn matching pajamas last night.
Hell, I should have asked her how Elsie was after their scare.
But…do I want everyone else knowing about how I met her?
Reaper gave me a booklet yesterday about a fucking twelve-step program. Thing is, it’s not really a problem. Once I’m healed, and my body doesn’t hurt, and the headaches don’t come, and my sight has returned fully, I’ll be fine.
There’ll be nothing to escape.
Because I fucking loved my life before.
“Anyone else want another beer?” I ask.
Knox shakes his head. “We came on our bikes.”
Another reason I should have stayed home. Now I either have to be that guy and drink alone or make myself believe I can wait until I get home.
Oh, wait. I said I was gonna quit.
Maybe I start that tomorrow. Maybe I try to get one more good night’s sleep before I ease off the pills.
Sitting in the wooden chair hurts. Constantly scanning the room for Daisy hurts.
I see her standing by the bar alone, so I make a decision. My chair scrapes loudly on the wooden floor as I stand.
“Van,” Havoc says, but there is so much weight in those three letters, I can barely deal with it.
I walk toward Daisy. “Can we try this again, Daisy?”
She glances up at me. “Try what?”
“Are you okay? Did that hurt when you fell?”
“It hurt my pride more than it did my body.” She twists the wrist on her left hand back and forth. “Although my wrist took quite a knock.”
I reach gently for her wrist and feel around, easing it from side-to-side and back-and-forth as if someone just awarded me an honorary medical degree. “Reaper’s an ex-military medic. You want him to take a look?”
She slips her wrist from my fingers and shakes her head. “It’s just a sprain or something.”
I look at the tray Annie is loading up with a pitcher and glasses. “You shouldn’t be carrying all that weight.”
“This is my job, and I only get paid if I show up and do it. And given two meals and two beers went to waste, I’m gonna do my job to the best of my abilities for the rest of my shift.”
I take a breath, hating that it feels as though the conversation is ending when I’m not ready for it to. “How was Elsie after what happened?”
Daisy smiles softly. “She was holding court in the playground at drop-off, regaling her friends with how a mean man came and scared us, but that her big, brave friend Vandal came to the rescue.”
God, how I want to be that man again. I suppose I look like a hero to Elsie, but inside, I was filled with cowardly thoughts.
I reach out and touch my knuckle to the back of Daisy’s hand resting on the bar. “And how’s her mom doing?”
“Well, we didn’t see Chris again. The sheriff went to talk to him. Talk to them all. Last I heard, they were all arrested. So, hopefully that’s enough for him to take a hint.”
“Drinks are ready,” Annie says.
Daisy looks up at me, and it’s hard to read her emotions. Part of it is because the world is still blurry around the edges. But I can’t tell if it’s longing or concern.
“I have to go, but…” Daisy pauses. “Listen. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, and maybe I’m interfering in something I should keep my nose right out of. But this—” She gestures up and down. “It doesn’t seem like it fits with who you are. And you seem like a good guy, Vandal.”
Not a single word of response comes to mind.
She’s not telling me anything I don’t know. But, fuck. Those words coming from her lips. I hate the idea she sees me with pity.
I still can’t think of anything to say when she walks around me to grab the drinks.
In fact, I stand there, staring at a poster advertising two-for-one margaritas on Wednesdays, unable to fucking function.
A hand on my shoulder makes me jump.
“You okay?” Havoc asks.
I shake my head. “I don’t need people asking me if I’m okay the whole time.” The words are spat out with more anger than Havoc deserves.
And then he looks at me with pity…sympathy if I’m being generous.
“I’m going.”
Havoc grabs me by the bicep. “What the fuck is going on with you? Just come and sit. Finish your drink. Get another. I don’t fucking care.
But I’d rather you come hang out with us and try to get back to who the fuck you are than go back to your room and try self-medicating this shit out of your system. ”
It doesn’t seem like it fits with who you are. And you seem like a good guy, Vandal.
I shake my head. “Enjoy your food, but I’m out.”
I march out of the bar, slamming the double doors wide open as I walk through them. There’s no plan beyond finding fresh air. Can’t even bring myself to call for a prospect, so I start walking.
And maybe on the way I’ll grab another couple of bottles of Jack so people stop tracking how much I’m drinking.
Maybe I’ll finally find a way to disappear.