9. 9 #2
“You’re making me self-conscious,” I said. “Turn around so I can change.”
“I’ve seen every inch of you.”
I held my pajamas in my hands. “Then you won’t mind looking away.”
“I’ve been inside you.”
“Give me, like, a minute of privacy.”
“So many times, Cassie.”
I walked toward the door. “I’m going to change in the bathroom.”
Elias sighed. “I’ll close my eyes.” He turned around, leaning against the bunk until I was finished.
I changed, and walked to the bed to get in before him. Scooting under the covers, I pushed myself to the edge of the bed, my face inches from the white panel of the wall. I preferred lying there. Sandwiched between Elias and the wall was my favored position in almost any circumstance.
After I had situated myself where I wanted to be, Elias slid in behind me. Always more graceful than I was, it felt like he floated into the bed, his arm magically appearing around me. “I remembered how much I like your accent. The way you said pajamas was cute.”
“Maybe you just say it wrong.”
He snickered. “I like that you call every corner store a party store.”
I groaned. “We don’t even have real party stores. You can’t buy liquor at them. What's the point?”
“I think most states have stricter liquor laws than Michigan, so we can’t pretend that Virginia is a weird place to live.”
Michigan seemed farther away than it ever had, more than just the physical distance. I’d spent my entire life there, even staying in the state to go to college. I loved our house, but I missed the crisp, clean water and the overwhelming amount of snow. It would always be my home.
“Are we going to get time off after this?” I asked.
“Definitely. It depends on how long we are here and what horrific shit happens, but we’ll probably get a few weeks.”
I took a deep breath. “Can we go see my parents?”
“Of course we can.” He kissed my head. “Do you miss them?”
“I do, but that’s not the reason. I want you to see where I grew up.
” It was time. He’d mentioned once that he’d never been to Michigan, and I felt like he’d understand me so much more if he could see where I’d lived for so long.
I considered convincing him to buy property there, even if we could rarely use it.
“Are you going to show me how to properly sauna?” He asked, mocking the way I said sauna.
“Duh, Elias. My parents obviously have a sauna,” I scoffed. “Why don’t we have one? I feel like I’ve mentioned multiple times that we should get one. They sell them at Costco for fuck’s sake.”
“Okay, okay. We will seriously revisit the sauna conversation when we get home.”
His goodnight kiss was like a bandaid when I needed stitches. The day had torn me up.
Sleep came easy for once, despite the close quarters and being held like a teddy bear. It certainly wasn’t my favorite way to sleep, but it did feel almost like being under a weighted blanket.
I dreamt of the lake, of the cool water, too early in the year to swim.
We were on the pontoon with my parents with a cooler full of brats and light beer.
My dad had Tom Petty blaring while my mom gathered the beer cans that he left behind.
My dad wouldn't let us help him cook on the little propane grill he brought, and there was no arguing with him.
Legs in Elias’s lap, I was stretched out, my back flat against the sun warmed vinyl.
My eyes were closed, the heat from the sun warming my skin and the mist from the lake mixing with a sheen of sweat.
I opened my eyes to find Elias leaning back, his arms spread along on the rear of the seat.
Like he sensed me watching him, he looked down at me and grabbed my left hand in his, leaning forward to kiss it.
Something caught the light in my hand and I looked down. A diamond ring was there.
I gasped, jerking awake.
Elias stirred behind me, my panic startling him, too. “Did you have a bad dream?” His voice was like gravel, racked with sleep.
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
It wasn’t so much as frightening as it broke my heart.
It felt so normal, so natural, but our lives were anything but.
I knew after our first weekend together that my life would never be the same, never be the life I’d imagined for myself.
Knowing him was worth it, but it didn’t mean I didn’t desire the white picket fence and the golden retriever.
Elias deserved it too, and he’d never have it.
He tried hard. We went on dates to museums and amusement parks, sometimes we simply laid in bed all day when it was raining outside.
He let me burn dinner and order takeout after I gave up.
We called my parents and talked to them together on the phone.
He did all he could to give me the life he thought I should have.
But we also did high intensity workouts and practiced martial arts in the basement.
He bought me guns as gifts and took me to shoot them on Sunday mornings.
Our work was secretive, dangerous, and the government owned us.
While my dream could be the future for us, it lacked the grim reality of the world waiting for us when we stepped off the boat, and I was intensely jealous of that.
I rarely let myself yearn, but dream Cassie was free, and she was right there.
“Probably best we don’t.”
“You’re being awfully ambiguous.”
“It was a good dream,” I said. “We were happy.”
Elias gathered my hair, pulling it out from between us. It was nearly to my waist, and it was always being tugged around. “That doesn’t sound so bad.”
“I don’t think we can ever be that happy.”
“What were we doing in the dream?”
“Not much,” I admitted. “It wasn’t what we were doing, really, it was that those versions of us didn’t have to deal with all this. No virus. No infections. No government contracts.”
“You make me the happiest I’ve ever been,” he murmured. “That’s enough for me. Is it enough for you?”
A pit formed in my stomach. Sadness, guilt, helplessness, a combination of the three? “I don’t know,” I whispered. My eyes stung as the tears welled up.
I felt him stiffen behind me. “Tell me what you mean.”
“I don’t know if I can be happy with the life I’ve been given.”
“I’m sorry, Cassie. I don’t know what to say.” His voice was a little louder now, stuttering over his words. “You want a normal life.”
My hands reached up to wipe my eyes, but I didn’t stop crying. “So badly,” I choked.
“I want it too, but I can’t give you that. I wouldn’t know how.”
“I know.”
I turned around to face him, and I buried my face in the blankets near his chest. I needed a few minutes to cry into the sheets.
We’d be in danger for the rest of our lives, and I could only imagine that our lives would be cut short on an assignment just like this.
Elias was here with me, but opportunity was out there, somewhere else.
Elias rubbed small circles on my back while I let it out. He waited until I had calmed down before he spoke.
“Well,” he started, taking a deep breath. “Is this it? Are we breaking up on our first vacation?”
“No,” I said, surprising myself when a laugh slipped out. “I don’t want to break up.”
“You wanna wait until we’re stateside so the trip isn’t as awkward?”
I shook my head.
He lifted my chin to kiss my forehead, lips lingering there for a moment before he flattened out, pulling me close to his side. “That really sounded like the start to a breakup speech.”
“I wouldn’t do that.” I laid my head on his bare chest and listened. “Your heart’s racing now, too.”
I could feel his foot bouncing at the end of the bed.
“I thought I lost you in the lab today, then you wake up in a panic, so I’m panicked, too.
Then you tell me you’re not happy, and you heavily allude, heavily allude, that I can’t make you happy.
Yeah, my heart is racing. You scared the shit out of me.
Truth be told, I’m still a little scared. ”
“Don’t be scared. I want to be with you,” I said. “It’s everything else that sucks.”
“You deserve better, but I’ll never apologize for saving you.”
“I prefer this to the alternative.” Death. Death was the alternative, yet sometimes I considered it, how it would feel. Quiet, probably.
“I’m sorry for making this about me,” he said. “I was supposed to be comforting you.”
“I feel better. I think I just needed to cry a little.”
Elias looked down at his watch. “It’s just after four, do you think you can go back to sleep?”
“Doubt it.”
“Hmm,” he pondered. “What’s on the agenda today, then? Read through reports? Back to the lab? The mess hall won't be open until six.”
I pulled myself up until I could reach Elias's mouth with my own. I brushed my lips against his, just a tease. “I don't know.”
He smiled at the contact, pulling me on top of him.
“You don't know?” Fixing my hair again, he brushed it out of my face. “Maybe we can find you a hair tie.” He initiated this time, more eager than I was. His lips were soft, but his kiss was resolute. Like I could hear his thoughts, his desires, I felt how deeply he cared for me, how he couldn’t bear this life without me.
I sat up, as much as I could without hitting my head on the bunk above us, and my legs rested on each side of him. “I need to cut it.”
He reached up, briefly playing with a strand of my hair. “I like it.”
Elias watched as my hands grabbed at the hem of my shirt, pulled it off, and tossed it to the floor.
The cold air of the room was jarring, and I felt my nipples harden against the chill.
His eyes met my own when I’d finished, and he pulled me down to him.
My chest was bare against his, the warmth keeping me close.