CHAPTER 9 BEN
“Yeah, I know we do,” I say on a sigh. Just because I know we need to talk doesn’t mean I want to have the conversation.
She tilts her head a little as she looks at me, and I know the question is coming. I just wish I had the answer she’s looking for. And then I realize…I do. But that doesn’t mean she’s going to like it.
“You said some things when you got down on one knee, but it’s all kind of a blur,” she begins.
Some of the heaviness that settled into my chest seems to dissipate at her words.
I wore my heart on my sleeve for her when I said the words that are so hard for me to say, and she didn’t say it back.
For a while there it felt like every fear I ever had was realized, but it’s not any worse than the fears that’ve played out in my mind this past week as her head slamming against the table turned out very differently in my vivid nightmares.
We’re lucky it was just a concussion. It could’ve been worse, and the thought of losing her tears at my very soul.
And I don’t just mean losing her when this is all over.
Her injury reminded me that life is fleeting.
There’s a reason I don’t want kids that goes far beyond the excuse I always give of my parents’ divorce. Maybe we’re at a point where I should tell her that.
It’s not just the fear of every woman leaving, as evidenced by my mother and by Tatum.
It’s the fear of losing a child.
I don’t tell many people what Tatum did to me.
But I’ve started to let Kaylee in. Without warning, I have fallen in love with her.
And maybe it’s time to let her all the way in…to reveal the truths that continue to plague me to this day, the truths that make me want to continue to live a lonely existence where I don’t have to risk the things that I know have the potential to hurt me the most.
I’ve been through it once. I don’t want to go back there. I can’t go back there.
But it’s part of this process, isn’t it? Falling in love. Part of it is showing exactly who you are to the other person so they can love you too. Part of it is learning to love yourself before you can love others.
That’s where I’m stuck—because you can’t love somebody you don’t know.
The older I get, the more convinced I become that I really don’t know myself at all. I’m an image. I’m a brand—and that’s who I’ve become.
But what’s inside that brand?
Some days…I’m not quite sure.
I make decisions based off what feels good instead of what feels right.
Even tonight I did that. Proposing to Kaylee felt good, but was it the right thing for me? For us?
I still don’t know.
She still hasn’t told me she loves me back.
My heart is still out there, hanging in the balance between the two of us, and she has the power to break it.
I don’t give people that power.
But somehow, she found her way in and she wields it over me in a way that nobody else ever has before.
How do I just ignore that?
The answer is that I can’t.
I don’t know what it will mean for my friendship with Jack. I don’t know what it will mean for my relationship with Kaylee, either. I don’t know if she can marry somebody who doesn’t ever want kids when it’s such a dream of hers to be a mother.
But the only way I’ll find out is if I ask her.
“I said a lot of things tonight,” I say.
“And I think maybe the most important thing I said was that I want you to know that I have genuinely fallen in love with you. There’s a lot we don’t know about each other, and while the initial idea to get engaged was a media ploy, the more I thought about it, the more it just felt right.
I want to spend my life with you. I’m thirty-fucking-two and there are very few things I’m sure about when it comes to my life.
But out of the clear blue…that’s one of them. ”
“I want that, too.” Her hand finds mine, and she squeezes. “And I want you to know that I love you too,” she whispers.
My heart lifts with relief at her words. I lean forward and press my lips to hers.
I pull back and say, “I know it was just a concussion, but I kept thinking what if it wasn’t? What if I had lost you? I realized it’s not something I want to know the answer to.”
“So what does this mean?” she asks. “For us, I mean.”
I lift a shoulder and shake my head. “I’m not sure. I’m willing to compromise my feelings on marriage because I know it’s something important to you. But I also need you to know that’s as far as I can compromise.”
She’s tilting her head at me again.
“There’s a reason I don’t want kids,” I add.
“Your parents’ divorce?” she asks.
I shake my head. “It goes far beyond all that.” I settle back into the couch as I draw in a deep breath. I’m not ready to have this conversation, but it’s time. I stare down at my hands.
Her brows draw together. She reaches out and her fingertips find the scruff of my jaw.
“When you love somebody, you love all of them. Past and present, history and scars and all. You know how I feel about a lot of things, but sometimes it’s hard to read you because you’re so afraid of letting anybody in. It’s okay to let me in, Ben.”
I glance up and meet her eyes, and I know she’s right.
But that doesn’t make it any easier to take myself back to the worst time in my life.