Chapter 48 Ashes and Answers
ASHES AND ANSWERS
The next twelve days mirror the time before leaving for Portelina—and don’t.
I still wake up alone, Daire and Griffin already in the gym with the others, sparring or working out. I was rarely the last to arrive. Now it’s a guarantee. And no one comments. There are no cutting remarks. No extra reps.
I should be relieved. Instead, it makes me feel fragile. Breakable. Like a liability.
Griffin follows Scarlet and me to Thornhurst and doesn’t continue to work until I’m safely tucked into the Runes classroom. First period consists of Lochlan guiding me through meditations and mental-strengthening exercises, while Holden fixes coffee and tonics that are often bitter to aid healing.
Runes is a blur. My attention strays between the Fae history text Holden assigned me—this week’s is focused on the Seelie and Unseelie, leaving me with more questions than answers—and his daily lectures.
Despite Holden’s rocky start as a professor, his class has become a favorite among students, with a growing waitlist as proof.
He pushes students to ask questions and challenge beliefs, and he’s surprisingly encouraging and patient.
The whispers about his attractiveness and noticeable lump in his pants have me constantly flexing those meditations.
Kai follows me to Arcane Studies third period, a class I would be absolutely lost in if it weren’t for Edmond—sitting beside me.
He also sits next to me in Defensive Magic, my favorite class.
Neither of us comment on the change. Afterward, we return to Holden’s classroom for lunch and training.
We work on echoes and mental mapping, a process that includes controlling my emotions and leaving breadcrumbs to guide someone mindwalking to where I want them to go, before Elemental Mastery, and Dueling and Combat.
Afternoons are quiet. Scarlet’s practices run long, and the guys are all busy with work.
I study with Edmond, or dry herbs and catalog plants with Lief and Gwen.
Then it’s shielding practice with Kai and Lochlan.
I’m getting both stronger and faster, despite or maybe because of my injury, which has me even more determined.
When I step into Runes, I’m surprised to find Kai, Lochlan, and Holden waiting for me.
“I have a meeting tonight,” Lochlan says, straightening his tie. “I thought we should do shielding this morning since you’ll need to perfect it with Lyra.”
The reminder of my upcoming meeting is a tough pill to swallow. No matter how many times I insist I’m ready, my doubts remain greater.
I slip into my familiar seat, a freshly brewed coffee already waiting for me.
“We want to try something new,” Lochlan continues. “There are rumors that Lyra’s been training someone to assist her during mindwalks. We have a few days to see how you handle two of us trying to break your shields.”
I try to hide how daunting the idea is as I slide into my seat. “That’s a good idea. While we’re doing this, you guys should go see the memory of the lake. Edmond was hoping to get more details about the creatures. You might recognize what they were.”
“Let’s wait and see how you’re feeling,” Holden says, surprising me.
I nearly admit it won’t be hard. That I’m constantly shoving my nightmare of those creatures to the recesses of my mind with the other memories I don’t want them to see. But I don’t know if that might open a new door of trust issues or worse.
Instead, I reach for my coffee. “Let’s get started.”
Holden pulls a chair close to where we’re gathered, abandoning his desk.
I close my eyes and leave a gap for Lochlan as I set my shields and then recall the same recycled trail of memories that don’t create an emotional charge.
Good, Lochlan says in that mental misty form he now occupies in my thoughts during practice.
“She’s ready,” he tells the others.
I recognize Kai first. His presence in my mind is familiar. Holden’s is less as he gently strokes my thoughts, as though he believes I’m still at the elementary point where I need the notice.
Don’t get overconfident, Lochlan quips.
I feel them migrate through my thoughts, their opposing directions challenging, though not as difficult as I’d feared.
Holden’s approaching a fight with your dad, Lochlan warns, allowing me time to block the memory and replace it with one from basketball camp.
I don’t know if Lochlan can move my thoughts.
I haven’t asked. I’m not sure I want to know.
I’ve learned that replacing the theme of the memory is far harder, as though the location leaves a unique imprint.
Kai slips into a memory from prom that has me cringing—my date speeding, leaving my stomach at least twenty miles back as I threaten to call the cops if he doesn’t stop the car and let me out.
I’m too distracted recalling the excuses I gave to my mom when I asked her to come pick me up, that I don’t realize Holden’s found my library nightmare until ice slips down my spine at the familiar sound of that voice.
Breathe.
My palms feel like they’re glued to the book cart, the coldness biting into my skin. The stranger flirts with me, and my heart beats too fast.
You’re guiding them. You have the control, Lochlan reminds me.
But I feel utterly powerless as the stranger’s hand skims across my skin, pushing beneath the hem of my shirt—uninvited.
Anticipation bleeds into fear as he crowds me against the shelf.
I manage a tear in the memory, a hole so small I can barely cling to it. My relief lasts only seconds before pain blinds me, my scream so loud it hurts my own ears.
The library is replaced with cold tiles and a new wave of adrenaline. I’m back at the prison, a hand squeezing my throat, silencing me. Pain blooms as darkness swells, and the infirmary comes into focus. The metallic taste of blood is fresh in my mouth, but dry and sticky across my cheek.
Back this way, Witchling, Lochlan coaches, but I’m frozen in the moment, my feet dangling in the air.
I feel Kai then. Feel his confusion and shock, the hot burst of anger as I try to focus on a safe point to ground myself.
I try to recall my old apartment. That long hall at high school. The field of flowers—anywhere but this moment where I thought I would take my final breath.
“Where did you get the matches, you little bitch?” Geoff’s sour breath floods my senses.
“You know what happens if I let them come in, right? What do you think they’re going to do to you today?
You’ve started three fires. Killed my friend.
” It’s not anger saturating his voice, but pure hatred, as he leans closer, his jaw tense and his eyes narrowing into slits.
“Tell me!” he screams, making my ears ring before his fist connects with my cheek, a new wave of pain shocking my system and stealing my breath.
Listen to me, Bri. Focus on me. On my voice, Lochlan insists.
Panic has me fleeing, but rather than return to a safe place, I’m back in the library, the stranger is straddling my hips, ripping at my clothes as I beg him to stop.
Glass breaks—the sound would normally anchor me to the present and end the mindwalking, but the waves of fire and ice that had flooded my veins are so potent it feels like I’m about to light the entire world on fire as flames lick up the man’s hands that are still on me.
Still touching me. Still hurting me. The fire races over his skin, spreading in heartbeats as a mixture of horror and relief consume me.
Lochlan turns to me in my memory, his face torn with what I think is regret. This way.
My body feels heavier than my mind, my breath coming too fast, my chest too tight as my body shudders.
Lochlan takes my hand and leads me past a shelf at the library, the fire I created and the screaming of those who were there that night fade into nothingness, and then I’m in that quiet place in his mind.
A weight surrounds me, solid but not suffocating. The stillness of this place feels like it’s shielding me, but my thoughts continue to churn, volatile and loud as nausea rolls through my stomach from the fear, shame, and pain, and the underlying kick of guilt.
Lochlan kneels in front of me, matching my stance. He wipes a tear from my cheek with his thumb, his silver eyes unreadable, even in this space. Don’t cry for him, Princess. He doesn’t deserve your tears.
My throat is too tight to argue or explain that their reactions will be nearly as difficult to face. They witnessed not only what was done to me—but what I did.
How I burned that stranger. Killed him.
How relief was the first emotion I felt.
There will be questions, but no judgment.
I shake my head. I can’t.
You have to. The regret in his voice is the only warning I get before the warmth of his mind vanishes, and I’m wrenched back into the present.
The classroom is too bright and too real under the crushing weight of Kai’s and Holden’s stares.
For several seconds, no one moves. No one speaks.
The silence is a blade—sharp and poised to cut.
I hate these moments. Hate the aftermath when I’m supposed to act like they haven’t just witnessed the rawest moments of my life.
“What. The. Fuck?” Kai’s voice is hoarse, his normally relaxed features twisted into something tortured, unfiltered.
I force myself to meet his gaze, but the intensity burns.
My pulse is erratic, my heart hammering against my ribs as I struggle to keep breathing.
I look away first. The toe of my shoe connects with a shard of glass. The coffee cup Lochlan had been holding lies shattered on the floor, the contents pooling beneath it and splashed against his light gray pants.