Chapter 37
“Two hearts beat as one when the Goddess Netali blesses a union.
Her blessings are revered and rare.”
- The Old Book
Ifrantically tapped the arm of the chair I was sitting in.
I had been sitting in deafening silence for nearly five minutes now, all the while Adina stared at me expectantly.
I told her everything she wanted to know: Willam’s capture, my father’s suicide, and my mother’s subsequent mental decline.
Yet here we still sat, face to face, locked in an unspoken battle of wills.
I had followed Rowan’s guidance: only tell half-truths and lead the conversation where I wanted it to go. The problem was that Adina knew I was hiding something. Probably through some sort of sixth sense she possessed. The woman was persistent to a fault.
“It’s been two months, and most of your peers have graduated out of their sessions. Why do you think you haven’t?”
“Because you think I have more to say,” I replied dryly. “Or perhaps you just really enjoy torture.”
Adina chuckled softly.
“Who is Kaven?”
“A childhood friend.” Not a lie, but not entirely the truth. Which is exactly why I felt a small buzz at the base of my skull.
“I don’t believe you, and neither does your body. You’ve mentioned him briefly, but never gone into detail. Why?”
“He’s not that important.” I flinched at the twinge of pain that radiated down my spine. I hated that gods-damned transmitter. I was so close to clawing my skin off until I successfully ripped it out.
“You know what I think?”
“I’m sure you’ll tell me,” I said with feigned sweetness, lilting my voice.
“I think he means a great deal to you. That somehow he ties into some of your deepest insecurities, and that is why you won’t talk about him.”
I felt sweat gather on the back of my neck and slick my palms. She was going to force it out of me. The last piece of my life I had tried to keep to myself was going to be ripped from me against my will.
The buzzing at the base of my skull intensified, and I opened my mouth to tell her what she wanted to hear. To tell her how much of a coward I was, how everyone I loved left me. A tear streaked down my cheek, partly from the pain and partly from the intensity of the moment.
The timer rang out, and the pain faded. My gaping mouth let out an exasperated sigh of relief, and my body sank into the back of the chair. Adina’s left eye twitched several times before the mask of fake-calm plastered itself on her face once more.
“Well, that was rather anticlimactic. Maybe next session you’ll be more ready to talk.”
She stood from her chair and exited the room swiftly.
I didn’t move a muscle, too depleted of all energy to care that I couldn’t stand. I closed my eyes and practiced regulating my breathing. My pulse was still elevated, but I could feel the pressure that had built up within me dissipating.
I mindlessly walked down the corridor, watching one foot step past the other.
The space in my head where my thoughts usually lived was empty.
All the energy needed in formulating them had been drained.
It was getting harder and harder to keep my walls up.
Especially since the start of the transfusions, my body had gotten much weaker.
Thus contributing to my wavering mental fortitude.
At first, I thought the treatments were working. I felt stronger, sharper. Like I was gaining muscle, even power. But that only lasted a few weeks. Now, it felt like I was losing everything I had built—and then some.
I stopped dead in my tracks when that warning chill crept up my spine.
They’re coming.
It was the voice again.
Turn around.
I stared at the reflective floor, at my distorted image peering back at me. I repeated to myself that the voice wasn’t real, over and over. Because if it was, what did that mean?
Keeping eye contact with myself, I continued. Once I rounded the corner, I stopped once more. Laughter—maniacal and heady—echoed down the corridor. My eyes squeezed shut upon recognition.
I lifted my head and caught the unwavering stares of Lily, Brenn, Aeva, and Serene. They had formed a barricade with their bodies across the hall, keeping me from passing them.
I watched as Lily dug into her pocket and pulled out a knife. A knife with a familiar handle and blade angle.
“That’s my knife,” I said through gritted teeth. “You went into my room and stole it.”
Lily pretended to examine the blade, stroking her finger against its spine as a taunt. “Did you know that none of the doors to our rooms lock?”
My eyes never left the blade in her hand. My posture grew rigid as an overwhelming icy sensation froze me in place. There were red smudges on parts of the blade and handle.
Bright red.
Lily looked down at the blade, at the fresh blood that had caught my attention, and twitched her lips upward.
“He didn’t even fight back. Isaac, that is. Pathetic really.” Lily twirled the tip of the knife on her finger.
This wasn’t Lily. Lily hated me and wanted me dead. That much was true, but the woman standing before me was a hollow, unfeeling shell. The Lily that I had ventured here with stood up for her fellow culled and viewed herself as their unofficial leader. That woman wouldn’t have turned on her own.
“Why?”
“It was him or us. Just like it’s you or us.”
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s all a test, Mavis. They want to see who is the strongest among us. I can feel it—whatever they’re doing to us—surging throughout my body. I’m brimming with unlimited power. You should consider what we did to Isaac as a mercy. He never would have survived the program.”
“It’s strictly forbidden to harm others unless in self-defense. It’s punishable by death.”
“Gods, Mavis, you’re so dumb sometimes. It’s a test! Everyone cheats on tests. You just have to make sure you don’t get caught.”
Lily turned to Serene and handed her the knife. Serene glared at me with hatred shining bright.
“It’s going to look like you killed Isaac,” Lily said. “I mean, it’s your blade after all. And after you killed him, you took it really hard, like that time with the Veiler on the mountain. So hard that you took your own life to end the suffering.”
I looked at Serene, pleading.
“You don’t want to do this. Taking a life taints the soul. It follows you forever.”
She was beyond hearing. Her brown eyes had darkened, and all that I could see was hatred. Even her sweet voice sounded sour.
“Oliver is dead because of you. He was weak and unable to withstand the truth sessions. But he wouldn’t have had to endure them if you hadn’t betrayed us.
You are the reason I’m not home in bed right now.
You are why I’ll never again taste my mother’s cooking, hear my father tell a story, or watch my little sister grow up.
I’m going to die here, and it’s all because of you! ”
All rationality had left her. Only anger and hostility remained. She lunged for me as I quickly pivoted and took off running down the corridor.
“Hold her down!” Lily shouted.
I could hear the clatter of shoes scuffing, chasing after me.
My breath came in short pants, much weaker than usual, and my heart felt ready to leap from my chest. I focused on my strides, not daring to look back at how close they were.
My best chance was to get to a populated area. I would be safe there.
I tripped over my foot and hit the floor hard. I cried out as my knees were nearly crushed by the fall’s impact. Cradling my knees to my chest, I looked up to see Brenn smiling down at me.
“Aw, someone tripped.” Brenn laughed as Lily, Aeva, and Serene approached.
Brenn kicked me onto my back as Serene advanced toward me. I turned my head to the side and closed my eyes tightly, preparing myself for what I knew was to come. It would all be over soon.
For a moment, my brain refused to understand. A crack like a snapped branch. A thud. A choked gasp that never became a scream. My eyes flew open, and the only person standing was Rowan.
His gaze held a murderous fury, unrelenting.
He walked over to me and pulled me up by my arm.
I winced at the sharp pain in my knees as I finally found my balance.
He gazed at me as I let my eyes drift downward.
Not a drop of blood had been spilled, yet four motionless bodies now littered the floor.
I saw Serene’s petite, lifeless body and felt crushed by the weight of it. Her distended neck and vacant eyes would haunt me forever. The little girl who once delivered fresh bread every Saturday was gone. Just another innocent casualty in a game of power and delusion.
The overwhelming feeling of despair poured over me, coating me in its intoxicating sensation of hopelessness. More death. It was inescapable, and I was both a fool and a coward for thinking that perhaps I could evade its impact.
One thing had made itself abundantly clear: death was shadowing me closely.
“Can you walk?” Rowan gritted out.
“Barely.”
“Good enough.”
Rowan dragged me by my arm down the hallway. I didn’t ask questions. I didn’t fight. All I did was try not to let my legs lose all their support and crumple under my weight.
We eventually reached Rowan’s quarters, and he put in his sequence of numbers.
He didn’t bother to hide it from me again.
Then he pulled me inside and pushed me to sit on his bed.
I watched silently for several moments as he paced the length of his room.
Eventually, he stopped and looked at me with the same fury as before—but this time it was aimed at me.
“What were you thinking?” he exclaimed.
“Excuse me?”
“You closed your eyes, and all but asked them to kill you!”
“They had me on my back, four to one. What would you have had me do?”
“Fight back! Literally anything other than accepting the situation!”
“You told me I would lose my hope. Well, maybe I have.”
“Bullshit. Not you. Everyone else, yes, but not you. You’re different.”
“You seem to think that I possess some sort of divine strength. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Rowan, but I’m human. I’m not invincible. I break,” I said on a choked exhale.
Rowan threw his head back and sighed. Then he walked over toward me and rested his hands on my shoulders.
“Isaac wasn’t your fault.”
I shrugged my shoulders in classic Rowan fashion.
“It wasn’t. It’s the transfusions.”
I met his eyes, doubtful and wary.
“What do you mean?”
“They are altering your very essence, Mavis. They do it under the guise of strengthening you, but most of the time, they just create monsters. Whatever they’re manipulating in your blood makes a portion of people turn psychotic.
I’ve seen it time and time again. That’s what happened to them.
It wasn’t you, or because they feel you betrayed them.
They lost their sanity and were bound to hurt someone at some point. ”
“Is that what’s going to happen to me?”
“Do you feel out of control, like you’re bursting with unresolved energy?”
“No.”
“Then I doubt it. It usually surfaces around this time, and if it hasn’t affected you, then it probably won’t.”
I let out a breath I’d subconsciously held too long.
“I definitely don’t feel stronger.” I rolled my shoulders back. They were sore from tensing them so much. I paused mid-stretch when a thought occurred to me. “Is that why they only take younger people in the Cullings?”
“They take those aged thirteen to twenty, not only because they are younger and more resilient, but because it’s easier to manipulate DNA when the body is already going through so many changes. It makes you—”
“The perfect guinea pigs,” I answered for him.
Rowan only nodded.
I let out a humorless chuckle. “I’ll be twenty-one in three months. Not that name-days really mean much here.”
“I think they do.”
“Well, that’s uncharacteristically optimistic of you.”
I gave him a small smile and then looked at my hands. They were still shaking. I picked at the undersides of my fingernails. Nothing was under them—they were too clean. I hadn’t seen the outside world for what felt like years.
“Why are you still attending the truth sessions?” Rowan asked quietly. “Is it because of your gift?”
“No, she doesn’t suspect that.”
“Well then, what does she think you’re hiding?”
“Nothing important.” I shifted uncomfortably, and then I stood and started for the door. “I should get going,” I said, reaching for the handle.
Rowan quickly grabbed me by the shoulder and twisted me to face him. I was then pressed between him and the door. I felt exposed and trapped.
“What are you hiding?” Rowan all but growled.
“It’s none of your business,” I hissed, trying to free myself from his hold.
“Everything to do with you is my business.”
I bristled at that.
“You want to know what I’m hiding?” I taunted.
“Yes.”
I couldn’t speak, couldn’t run away. So, I did the only thing I could do.
I surged up and kissed him.