Chapter 12
Chapter twelve
Annalise
Getting back to my dorm, I’m in desperate need of a shower and one of Sasha’s tonics she’s been brewing in her bathroom.
I turn the shower on high so it can start to warm up, and I spot myself in the mirror. With mud streaks all over my uniform and splatters of it on my face and in my hair, you would think I had rolled, not run, through the muddy sections of the path.
Peeling off each layer of clothing, I try my hardest to keep each piece from moving too much so the mud doesn’t fly off and make a mess of my bathroom. The last thing I want to do tonight is get on my hands and knees to clean.
Once the shower is full of steam, I step in and let my head fall back under the steady stream of water. The heat begins loosening my tight muscles immediately, and I have never been more thankful for good water pressure than I am in this moment.
By the time I make it to the dining hall, the day’s classes have all bled out, leaving the room packed with recruits from both companies.
Whatever hell the instructors put everyone through today must have taken a toll.
Instead of the usual barrage of noise, the only sounds are of clattering silverware and low, exhausted grumbling.
Fine by me.
I’m on my own tonight since Matt and Sasha swung by right after class, so I’ll get to enjoy a quiet dinner in a corner booth. I’m an extrovert in so many ways, but there is something about being surrounded by people and not having to talk that I find peace in now and then.
“Hey. Annalise, right?”
I look up. And up. And up from my spot in the food line. The guy in front of me is really tall, his normally light brown hair now a few shades darker, thanks to the mud still caked in it, and it takes me a second to place him.
“Yeah. Hey, you’re my new lab partner, right?” I ask, pretty sure that’s right.
“That’s me. Name’s Zeke.” He grins, the kind of easy, boyish grin that lets you know he’s rarely not smiling, as the line moves forward and we start to make our selections.
“I’ve been hoping I would run into you. We need to split up the supply list, which we could totally do after next class, but I was thinking maybe we could hang out sometime too? You know, to get comfortable with each other before we have to work under pressure as a team in class and all.”
I blink, caught somewhere between surprise and uncertainty. Is he nervously flirting or simply being friendly? Either way, I can see the merit in his idea, so I nod. “Oh—yeah. That’s a good idea.”
“Cool,” he says, relief, and maybe a slight blush, flashing across his face. He pulls his cell phone from his pocket and hesitantly holds it out. “Here. Put your number in and I’ll send you a message so you have mine.”
I type my name and number while the servers dish my food up.
“I sent you a message. Let me know whenever you’re free. We can figure out lunch, or dinner, or something.”
I manage a small “Sounds good,” but keep my head down, focusing on the food I’ve piled onto my plate while we’ve been talking. I spot an empty table tucked into the back left corner and make my way toward my sanctuary.
I don’t even make it ten steps.
“Just bring a little tequila when you meet up, and she’ll be ready to tear your clothes off before she even knows your name,” a deep voice that I recognize says from behind me. The already quiet room goes even quieter.
Aiden.
And standing right beside him, laughing like it was the funniest thing he’s ever heard, is Lucas.
Of course, Lucas’s friends are as big of assholes as he is.
“Oh, and a little tip,” Lucas’s voice cuts in. “She likes it really rough, I’ve seen the marks. Big bruises, scrapes, dried blood. Be sure you really make a mess of her, or she’ll have another guy waiting to come in before you’re even dressed.’”
The words hit like a slap. My tray nearly slips from my hands.
He isn’t talking about Aiden.
I thought I’d always hidden the evidence of my dad's more aggressive fits, but I guess not well enough if Lucas noticed. I can only imagine how jealous he’s been all these years if he thinks they all came from heated hookups after I wouldn’t sleep with him. If only he knew.
A ripple of whispers sweeps through the room, more than a few laughs, too. My face burns, but I keep walking. I don’t look back, because I know exactly what Lucas wants: a reaction.
One foot in front of the other. Keep breathing. Keep moving. Keep the perfect fake smile glued to my face, the same one I wore in public with my dad when I had to pretend we were a happy family.
The tray shakes in my hands, so I grip it tighter, trying to steady the tremor. The table in the corner feels miles away, but I make it. Sit down. Pick up my fork.
And I eat.
Walking back to my room, I can feel people looking at me and whispering. One Bravo recruit is even stupid enough to follow me out of the dining hall to ask for my number while telling me he’ll give me everything I want.
I make it perfectly clear that he can go fuck himself.
Holding my head high and pretending it doesn't faze me while making a mental note to start taking my earbuds with me as much as possible. I've learned from my past, and I know that the less I can hear it, the less my mental health will take a hit.
Locking my door behind me, the truth of everything I’ve lived through and what my sentenced future looks like overtakes me.
I crank my shower as hot as it can go for the second time in just as many hours, turn on music, and adjust the head of the shower so I can sit against the wall while the water pours down on me.
I don't think I have the emotional strength to hold myself up right now, and if the water washes away my tears as they fall, there’s no proof they ever existed.
I don't know how long I stay in the water, but by the time I get out, my legs are numb, and my fingers and toes are pruned like life’s been leached out of me.
Putting on an old shirt of Mattey’s, the fabric swallowing me whole, I feel small. Safe. It’s as though the extra space can shield me from everything I don't want to remember.
But I know I won’t be able to hide from the nightmares. Not tonight. Not when my worlds have collided, and my resolve is shaken.
Pulling the chilly covers over me in bed, I consider burying myself in a book—losing myself in someone else’s world, their messiness, and their passion.
But tonight? I can’t bring myself to do it.
The thought of reading about someone else’s love life, about people actually getting what they want, feels like a punch to the gut.
The only guys who’ll be interested in me now will be the ones who will think a drink is all it takes to get me on my knees for them. The ones that believe their shitty jokes earn them the right to touch me. The ones who see me as a prize to win, a notch to brag about later.
I should’ve known the “fresh start” I thought I was getting here wouldn’t last.
So stupid.
I’m not the girl who gets a happily ever after. I’m the girl whose own father couldn’t even love her. The girl shipped off to a damn military academy for daring to fight back. I’m the girl who can’t stop reliving the years of hot blood, fear, and pain.
I feel my throat tighten, the weight of it all pressing on me until I can barely breathe. Today was just another reminder that I’m trapped, stuck in this loop of mistakes, memories, and a future that promises to be as dark as my past.
I stare at the ceiling, wishing I could crawl out of my own skin, out of this life. It’s not the first time I’ve wished for it all to end, but it can’t. I can’t.
This is far from the worst thing I’ve been through, but my brain isn’t thinking logically, and I don’t have what it takes to talk myself into a better headspace right now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find the energy to pretend that storybook endings are still possible for someone like me.
But tonight? Tonight it’s only me, my dark thoughts, and the awful truth: I might’ve escaped one devil, but now I’m stuck with another. And this one has friends to help him make sure I never forget my place.
I'm startled awake when I hear my doorknob jiggling. Instinctively, I reach for my dagger on my nightstand. Is it Lucas? Or some asshole who thinks this is what I want?
My heart is beating a million miles a second, and then I hear his voice—
“Lee, it's me. Open up.”
Matt.
I run across the cold room, open the door, and quickly climb back into bed while he walks in and locks the door behind him. I’m about to ask what he needs when I see he’s already taking off his shirt and shoes, leaving only his basketball shorts on when he climbs into bed next to me.
Girls would literally fight to be in this position given the opportunity. Not only is he the best guy ever, but objectively, he’s hot as hell too. But there is nothing sexual about what’s happening now.
Mattey has held me to sleep a thousand times over the years, mostly when I’ve needed him, but occasionally when he’s had a rough day, too.
Countless times, I’d found myself on the wrong end of my dad’s overindulgence and had messaged Matt because I needed help cleaning my wounds.
He kept watch so my dad didn’t attack me while I slept, held me during the crippling night terrors, and let me cry as he rubbed circles on my back and promised that we would escape together someday.
“You heard?” I whisper, barely audible, almost hoping he doesn't hear me so that we can simply lie here in silence.
“I did. But why didn't you call me? You know I would have run over there to punch that asshole in the face for you…could have put on a show in my towel and everything,” he jokes, knowing that’s how I prefer to deflect from serious situations.
I give a half-smile, and he knows it’s there, even if he can’t see it in the dark.
Squeezing him a little tighter, “I know you would have. That's why I didn't call. The last thing you need is to get in a fight at Scion outside of class. Who knows what they would do as punishment with our records. And especially not over something as dumb as Lucas and his friends being pricks.”
He sighs, knowing I'm right but still hating it.
“Are you ok though, Lee? Are you hungry? I didn't even think to bring food, but I can run back up to my room if you are.”
“Why am I not surprised?” I mumble, smiling faintly. “But no, thanks, I'm good. I actually stayed and ate my dinner in the dining hall.”
I can feel his body quickly tense at that before he shakes his head gently and kisses my forehead. “Of course you did, Lee. Of. Fucking. Course you did.” He lets out a deep breath. He knows better than anyone how far Lucas has gone to hurt me before, and I’m sure it will only be worse here.
“I would give anything to fight every asshole that tries to dim your light, Lee, but I know you won’t let me, so just remember I’m here with you. Okay?” He promises.
My slight nod is all my tears needed to break free, flowing down my cheeks and onto his chest.
Neither of us wipes them away.
“I love you, Mattey,” I choke out.
“I love you too, Lee. Now go to sleep; we’re going to need every ounce of energy we can muster for the dragons tomorrow.”