Chapter 5 #2
I'm transfixed by the couple on the screen.
I wonder what it might feel like to press my mouth to someone else's like that.
I'm suddenly very aware of Cody beside me.
The heat of him. The steady pressure of his shoulder brushing mine.
I don't dare turn my head. I don't know what would be worse: finding him watching me or finding him not.
It hits me then – this is why I made the decision to not have my fangs and venom sacs restored.
After I was rescued, I'd spent time in the healing bed, letting it repair the damage captivity had done to my body – damage both visible and hidden.
When they offered to restore my fangs and venom, I'd said no. I told them not to bother. The fangs and venom were vestigial. My people had evolved beyond the need for venom long ago. The healers accepted this reasoning. It made sense.
But that wasn't the real reason.
The real reason is that I wanted to know what it would be like. Just once. To press my mouth to someone else's. Just to find out what all the fuss was about.
And now… The reason is sitting in the chair next to me, his attention fixed on the movie playing out on the screen. I force my eyes back to the screen and try very hard to follow what's happening. But my gaze keeps drifting sideways, stealing glances at Cody's profile in the flickering light.
The rest of the movie passes in a blur. When the credits begin to roll, I couldn't tell you how it ended. My thoughts are too loud, too tangled, and too focused on the male beside me.
I risk a glance.
Cody is not watching the screen.
He's staring at me.
Our eyes meet, and electricity passes between us.
The flickering light plays across his features.
It catches on the curve of his lips, on the faint shadow of stubble along his jaw.
Cerasteans have no facial hair. I wonder what it would feel like.
Would it be soft? Or would it scratch my skin if he kissed me?
My stomach dips when I realize that his eyes – those bright blue eyes – are fixed on my mouth.
My tongue flicks out instinctively, tasting the air.
Oh.
The scent that washes over me is unmistakable. I've spent enough time among humans now to recognize their emotional signatures: the sour tang of fear, the bright spark of joy, the bitter musk of grief.
This is none of those things.
This is rich and heady. A low, thrumming note that makes my blood heat and my pulse quicken.
Arousal.
Cody's eyes are still on my mouth. When his gaze finally lifts to mine, there's no embarrassment there. No attempt to hide. Just steady certainty.
My gaze drops to his lips.
They're fuller than a Cerastean male's would be. Plush and pink, slightly parted. The lower one is plumper than the upper. The reports I read never mentioned how inviting human lips could look.
I want to know what those lips feel like. I wonder if they're as soft as they look. What they taste like. I want—
"Oh my god," Chelsea sighs from the sofa, "I love that ending. Gets me every time."
The words shatter the moment like a stone dropped into still water.
I become suddenly, acutely aware of the room around me. Of the other people present, humans and Cerasteans alike. Of L'Zaen and D'Rett and L'Tarne and all their enhanced Cerastean senses.
If I can smell Cody's arousal, they can certainly smell his. And mine…
I am in a room full of people who know exactly what I'm feeling. Who can read my attraction in the air itself.
Heat floods my face, and I know my scales must be darkening toward amber. I realize I've been leaning toward Cody. Our faces are far closer than they were at the start of the film. When did that happen? How did I not notice?
I pull back sharply. Clear my throat.
"A satisfactory film," I manage, and my voice sounds strange to my own ears. Too stilted and careful. "Thank you for the cultural education."
The lights are coming up now, and people are stretching, murmuring to each other about the movie.
I should contribute. Say something normal and unremarkable.
But I can't seem to focus on anything except the heat still radiating from Cody's body, the lingering scent of him in the air, the memory of his eyes fixed on my mouth.
I don't know how much time passes. The conversation washes over me in meaningless waves.
I know that Chelsea asks if I enjoyed the film; D'Rett wants to know why no one arrested the babysitter for distributing inappropriate images to a child; Ally sighs and admits that part didn't age well; L'Zaen pulls Ally into an embrace and mentions that they should all get rest before tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
Right. Tomorrow we arrive at Ceraste. Where I will have to face the ruins of my homeworld. Tomorrow everything changes.
But all I can think about is the shape of Cody's lips.
"I should retire," I announce, rising too quickly.
The movement is graceless. My behavior is unbecoming, as my mother would have said, but I don't care.
I need to leave this room. I need air that doesn't smell like desire.
I need space to think without Cody's presence scrambling my thoughts like static on a broken comm.
"Good night," I add, already moving toward the door. "Sleep well, everyone."
I don't wait for responses. I simply leave, walking as quickly as my dignity allows.
The corridor is blessedly empty. I press my palm to my sternum and wait for my pulse to settle. The cool recycled air helps, washing away the complicated scents of the common room.
What is wrong with me?
I've always prided myself on my control. On my ability to master my emotions, to present a composed exterior no matter what chaos churned beneath. It's how I survived captivity. How I endured the unendurable.
And now a single human male with soft eyes and a ridiculous smile is dismantling my composure piece by piece.
I'm nearly to my quarters when I hear footsteps behind me.
"A'Vanti, wait."
Cody. Of course.
I stop but don't turn. "Yes?"
He catches up to me, slightly breathless. When I finally make myself look at him, his expression is concerned. His brow is furrowed, and his eyes search my face.
"Are you okay?" he asks. "Is it… are you worried about tomorrow? About arriving?"
Tomorrow. A convenient excuse.
"Yes, it's much to think ab—" I start to say.
But a piece of me rebels. I'm so tired of hiding. Of pretending. Of being the composed 'ice queen' who feels nothing and needs no one.
"Actually," I correct myself. "That is only part of what is on my mind…"
I trail off, unsure how to continue. How does one explain this? How do I put into words the tangled mess of curiosity and want and fear that's been building inside me?
"Also… the movie," I finally say.
Cody tilts his head. "The movie?"
"Yes." I force myself to meet his eyes. "I find myself wondering about… kissing. What it is like. I am curious. It looks… nicer than the reports made it sound."
The words hang in the air between us. Cody's expression shifts from surprise to understanding to intent.
"Have you never…" He pauses, seemingly unable to complete the sentence. "I mean, you've never been kissed?"
"No. Cerasteans do not kiss." I lift my chin slightly. "Our females possess fangs and venom sacs. An intimate pressing of mouths would be dangerous, even potentially fatal. We developed other forms of physical affection that did not risk a bite."
Cody's gaze drops to my mouth, and I see the confusion flicker across his face. He's looking for fangs, I realize.
"I no longer have them," I explain. "The Ostiums removed my fangs and venom sacs. I chose not to have them regenerated after my rescue."
Understanding dawns in his eyes. "So you can…"
"Yes. I can no longer kill with a bite. But more relevantly…" I square my shoulders, summoning my courage. "I would be able to try kissing. If I wished. Without danger to my partner."
The silence stretches between us. Cody is very still, his eyes fixed on mine.
"And do you?" he asks. "Wish to try it?"
My heart pounds beneath my ribs. My mouth has gone dry, and I can feel my pulse in my throat, rapid and insistent.
"Yes." The word comes out steadier than I feel. "I would like to be kissed. I want to know what it is that makes humans moan and sigh and look at each other as if nothing else in the universe exists."
Cody's expression shifts. The concern melts away, replaced by a look that is tender and fierce and slightly mischievous.
"As my queen commands," he murmurs.
And then he steps closer.
His hand comes up to cup my jaw, steady and gentle.
His thumb traces along my cheekbone. His touch glides along my skin with the lightest touch, barely there, but it sends shivers cascading down my spine.
I watch his face as he tilts his head, as he leans in, and my eyes flutter closed at the last moment.
The first brush of his lips is soft. Tentative. Just a gentle pressure on my mouth, warm and slightly dry.
This is nice, I think. Pleasant and lovely. But I don't understand, this can't be what all the fuss is about. This gentle pressing of mouths is perfectly agreeable, but it doesn't explain the moaning on the screen, the way Hannah clutched Jacob.
Then Cody shifts.
He tilts his head, changing the angle, and his lips part slightly. His hand slides from my jaw to the nape of my neck, drawing me closer, and he deepens the kiss.
Oh.
His mouth moves on mine with purpose now, coaxing my lips apart. There's heat and wetness and a shocking intimacy that unravels me from the inside. When his tongue touches my lower lip, soft and questioning, I gasp, and he takes the opportunity to slip inside.
I am drowning.
There's no other word for it. The sensation is overwhelming – his taste, his heat, the way he's cradling my head like something precious.
My hands have found their way to his chest without my permission, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt.
I can feel his heart pounding beneath my palm, racing as fast as mine.
He kisses me like he wants to savor me. Like maybe he's been thinking about this moment for as long as I have, imagining it and wanting it.
There's tenderness there, but also a banked heat that makes my blood sing.
When he pulls my lower lip gently between his teeth, I make a sound I've never made before.
A low, desperate sound that I would be mortified by if I could think clearly.
But I can't. I can only feel.
Feel the way he's holding me, one hand in my hair and the other now pressed to the small of my back.
My body arches into his, seeking more contact.
The universe has narrowed to a single point, and that point is the place where his mouth meets mine.
I'm clinging to him like he's the only solid thing in a spinning world.
I understand now.
I understand the moaning and the sighing and the way humans look at each other after. I understand why they write poems and songs about this single act, why they chase it and crave it and build entire lives around the promise of it.
This is not just pleasant. It is transcendent.
I don't know how long we stand there in the corridor, wrapped around each other like two people trying to merge into one. Minutes, maybe. Possibly longer. Time has lost all meaning.
But eventually, reality begins to seep back in.
I am kissing Cody. In a public corridor. Where anyone could walk by.
More than that, I am in over my head. Completely and utterly out of my depth. I've spent years building walls around my heart, fortifying my defenses against any kind of vulnerability. And in the space of a few minutes, Cody has somehow slipped past all of them.
It's too much. Too fast. Too terrifying.
I pull back.
Cody's eyes flutter open, dazed and hazy. His lips are slightly swollen, pink and wet, and looking at them makes me want to lean back in. To kiss him again and again until the taste of him is permanently branded on my tongue.
But I can't. Not tonight. Not when I'm already so raw and exposed, so unprepared for what I'm feeling.
"Thank you," I manage. The words come out rougher than intended. "For the kiss."
Something flickers across Cody's face. His expression is difficult to read; human faces are still a mystery to me sometimes. But when I taste the air, I am flooded with arousal, but it is tempered by understanding and a hint of worry.
"What did you think?"
"Nice," I say. Then, realizing how inadequate that sounds: "Very nice. I liked it."
The corner of Cody's mouth curves upward. "Just nice?"
"It was… I… I, uh…" I take a pause, trying to steady myself. There are no words to convey the earthquake that has occurred inside me, so I deflect. "I must get rest before we arrive tomorrow. There is much to do. Many preparations."
It's a terrible excuse, and we both know it. But Cody doesn't push. Doesn't demand more than I'm able to give.
He nods, that gentle smile still playing at his lips.
"Sweet dreams, A'Vanti."
The words are soft and intimate, meant only for me. They settle somewhere in my heart like glowing embers.
"Good night, Vel'shar," I reply, and then I'm retreating through my doorway, letting it slide closed behind me.
I lean against the wall, pressing one hand to my racing heart.
My lips are still tingling. I can still taste him, a flavor that is uniquely Cody. My whole body feels over-sensitized, like every nerve ending has been rewired.
What have I done?
I wanted to satisfy a curiosity. To understand what humans experienced when they pressed their mouths together. I expected pleasant. I expected interesting.
I did not expect this.
This feeling of being cracked open. Of standing at the edge of something vast and terrifying and wonderful.
Bah, I am lying to myself again. I knew exactly what kissing Cody would do to me. That he, of all the beings in this galaxy, would not leave my senses intact. Truthfully, I wanted this. I wanted him.
I push off from the wall and move deeper into my quarters on unsteady legs. Tomorrow, I face my homeworld. Tomorrow, everything I've been preparing for begins.
But tonight, all I can think about is the feeling of Cody's lips on mine.
I don't know if I'll be able to sleep at all.