Chapter 11
PHOENIX
I watch, mesmerized, as she thrashes and kicks, her body twisting, cheeks flushed red with fury and humiliation.
There’s something wild about her, and it’s fucking beautiful.
She wants to believe it’s the blood on my hands that’s sending her spiraling, but that’s not what’s really breaking her.
No, it’s the way I’ve been close to her, day after day, obsessively and hungrily, with no shame and not a hint of apology.
Now she finally sees just how far I’ve gone, how long I’ve been invading her world without her permission, and she hates knowing I’ve seen her at her most vulnerable.
But I’d do it again a thousand times because she was never meant to live a life I wasn’t part of.
“Fuck you, Phoenix! Fuck you!” she screams, her wrists rubbed raw from how hard she’s pulling at the restraints. “Let me up. Let me go!”
I lean back just enough to take her in, chest heaving and betrayal written all over her face.
“Only when you settle down,” I say calmly, like we’re not both losing it in real time. “But I’m not in a rush, baby. ”
“Jesus, Phoenix, you’ve watched me when nobody should have to be watched. You violated me,” she spits out, still yanking at the ties. “I hate you. I hate you so much I can’t even breathe when you’re near me.”
She doesn’t. She wants to, but hate takes more distance than I’ll ever give her.
Still, hearing it leaves something jagged in my chest.
Planting my knees on either side of her hips, I press my hand against her mouth to silence her, leaning forward and capturing her eyes with mine, watching the fierce darkness melt into warm gold as the connection we can't deny settles between us like a living thing.
“Stop saying that to me.” Her eyes narrow, and I know she’d throw the words at me again if she could. “You don’t mean it, Shannen, so stop fucking saying it. You have no idea how much it hurts.”
I drag my hand away slowly, still half tempted to press my palm back against her mouth and steal every sound she makes just because I can.
“You killed my parents.”
“Put your focus on that if you need to. Pretend that’s what’s fueling all this rage, but we both know better, don’t we?”
“Fine… you’ve humiliated me again, on top of everything else you’ve done.”
“Words, Shannen. Be specific.”
“You saw me in the most vulnerable way, and I didn’t give that to you. I didn’t know it was happening, and that kind of violation doesn’t just go away. Do you understand how dirty that makes me feel?”
“You shouldn’t feel like that because I came every single time you did, and it wasn’t about watching you. It was about having you, even if just in those stolen moments. ”
“Do you even hear yourself right now?”
“You think I care that the way I want you borders on madness? I don’t. What I do care about is you feeling ashamed in front of me.”
I drag my knuckles down the curve of her cheek, surprised when she doesn’t flinch, though the fire in her eyes hasn’t faded.
“Tell me what’ll fix that.” Whether she realizes it or not, her eyes drop to the bulge straining against my jeans.
“Baby… if you want even ground, all you have to do is say the word.” My thumb brushes along her jaw, tilting her face back up to mine.
“If you wanna see how I lose every ounce of control when I watch you, I’ll give it to you.
I’ll sit back, stroke my cock, and let you watch me whisper your name while I fall apart. ”
I hear the slightest hitch in her breath as her fingers bite into her palms, and her legs stretch out a little beneath me, making her dress stretch tighter across her chest. She can pretend to hate me all she wants, but her body will always tell me the truth.
“It won’t take long, not with you spread out under me like this. Maybe then, you’ll finally understand why I couldn’t look away from you.”
I palm myself through the denim, popping the top button, and pretending I’m looking for her permission when I already know I’ve got it.
“Do it,” she whispers. “Show me.”
I unzip my jeans and shove them down just enough, my cock already pushing past the waistband of my boxer briefs.
“I’m going to tell you something, and I want you to really fucking hear me.” My hand tightens around the base of my cock. “Nothing about this embarrasses me in any way, so if you want this from me, you want it because something inside you needs it just as bad as I do.”
I start stroking, my fist gliding up and down the length of my cock, skin slick and hot, and I know I’ve lost her attention because her eyes are glued to the way my hand moves, to the precum glistening at the tip.
I lean in, close enough for her to feel my breath ghosting over her lips, but I don’t kiss her.
I don’t touch. I just let my mouth hover, daring her to close the distance.
“The only humiliation I’ll feel, and it’ll barely register, pretty girl… is if you tell me to stop. So if that’s what you want, say it.”
But she doesn’t, and I already know she won’t. I don’t call her out on it. I just sink back on my knees, fist tightening around my cock. Her pupils are blown wide, swallowing the gold of her irises until there’s nothing left but black.
And I know—fuck, I know—she’s gone. She’s lost in it and desperate for this, even if she’d rather die than admit it.
“Have you ever touched yourself in front of me? When I was asleep?”
“Never, but fuck, I wanted to.” I hold her gaze, golden and burning.
“I used to stand in the doorway like a ghost, just watching you breathe. I’d be so hard it hurt, and all I could think about was crawling into your bed, spreading those perfect thighs, and dragging my cock along your pussy just to feel how warm you are.
” My hand pulls tight around myself, the memory almost too much.
“I wanted to rub the tip around your slit, feel you twitch under me, and hear you beg to take it in your mouth, like it’s all you’ve ever wanted.
I wanted to fuck your pretty lips slowly until you cried for it and finally know what it’s like to be touched by the one person I’ve been in love with for half my goddamn life. ”
I feel her body beginning to coil beneath me. It’s subtle but unmistakable.Her arousal saturates the air between us; my head falls back, and the veins in my neck strain tight as I fight the urge to mark every inch of her skin.
“Baby…”
My hand moves toward her, desperate for the feel of her skin, aching to wrap around her throat like we both need.
Instead, I slam my palm into the mattress beside her face, knuckles white as I grip the sheets, my other hand working my cock faster, stroking myself harder while she watches every filthy second.
My eyes squeeze shut for half a second as I fuck my fist, cock slick and throbbing, hips snapping forward as I chase the edge, when her voice crashes through everything.
“Phoenix…”
My name. Just my name. But it tears the fucking sky open, and I make a mental note to add another mark for her. Like every other time she’s moaned it, I’ll carve it into my skin.
My eyes snap wide, and the sight below knocks the air out of me.
She’s arching like a sacrificial offering, tits pushed up, lips parted and glistening, her head tipped back, but her eyes never leave mine.
I know exactly what that is.
It’s not submission.
It’s her permission.
I freeze, breath wedged somewhere between my chest and my throat, because she’s not just letting me touch her anymore. She’s asking for my hands. Her exposed throat calls to me, and I reach for it slowly, letting the moment stretch before I wrap my fingers around it and squeeze.
My forehead drops to hers, stealing whatever she’ll let me have, and I breathe the words against her mouth.
“I’m sorry for anything I ever did to hurt you, but I’m not sorry it led us here.” Shannen writhes beneath me, thighs pressing together as we share the same breath. “I love you. I’ll never stop loving you.”
“Don’t ruin it. Don’t make this about that.”
“It’ll always be about that,” I growl, because there’s no way in hell I’ll ever let her pretend my love isn’t at the core of all of this. Touching her isn’t just about getting off; it never was.
“I want you to come for me, Phoenix,” she whispers, and that’s the spark that sets me completely on fire.
I crawl up her body, vision narrowing to nothing as I finally shatter, the world going black as her name tears from my throat. When my eyes open, she’s watching, hypnotized, as ropes of cum stripe her skin.
It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
“Look at you,” I rasp as I pump the last of myself onto her chest.
I drag my fingers through the mess, smearing it across her skin, then bring them to her lips. When she parts them, I run my fingers across, and she licks, tasting me for the first time, and surrendering herself in a way I’ve always dreamt of.
“You’ll always be mine, Shannen.”
“Can you let me out now?” she asks softly.
I force myself to tear my gaze from the mess I’ve made of her skin and reach up to undo the ties at her wrists. I watch her closely, searching her face for any hint of emotion as she sits up, but her shoulders are hunched, and there’s a shadow of shame in her eyes.
No. Fuck that.
She doesn’t get to feel ashamed. She wanted this just as much as I did. She needed it.
“That’ll be the last time you touch me, Phoenix.”
I tuck myself away, feeling the ground rip out from under me. When she stands from the bed and turns to face me, all I see is indifference—blank, empty, like nothing just happened between us, and I despise it. I’d take her fury, her tears, hell, even her hate over this nothingness.
“That was my thank-you for the times you protected me, but this is also my fuck you for everything else you’ve done. ”
I stand there, my chest rising and falling as I watch her build up her walls brick by brick.
“You can follow me. You can watch me, stalk me, stand outside my door, and call it love. You can sneak into my home when you think I’m sleeping.
Keep doing everything you’ve been doing, but it’ll never get you me.
” My jaw clenches, and my hands curl into fists.
I go to speak, plead, but she lifts a hand.
“No, you don’t get to interrupt. You don’t get my heart.
You don’t get my love. You don’t get my body, and you sure as hell don’t get to call me yours.
Whatever you expected from this, you don’t get it.
When I walk out that door, I won’t look for you, I won’t think about you, and if I see you, it’ll be like looking at a stranger.
I know you believe everything you’ve done was for me, but that doesn’t make it okay.
It’s time to move on, Phoenix. Live your life and let me live mine however I choose. ”
“No—”
“Yes,” she snaps, eyes gleaming with finality. “I’m going to walk out that door now, and you can do whatever the hell you want. But as far as I’m concerned, I got the closure I needed.”
My pulse thunders in my ears. “If you think I’m just going to walk away?—”
“I don’t, but I think you should because this doesn’t end how you want.”
“You’re wrong.”
“I’m not wasting my breath convincing you otherwise.
” She straightens, shoes in hand, and I track every movement like a man watching his reason for breathing walk away.
“Just know this is done for me.” She brushes past me, close enough that I catch her scent—still mixed with mine—and it almost kills me.
“So done that you’re walking out of here covered in me,” I rasp, desperate to claw back any piece of her.
“You want to watch me scrub you off my skin like you’re nothing more than a stain?” The words hit their mark—a direct shot to the heart. “Didn’t think so, and unlike you, I’m not that cruel. If what you’ve said is true, then my walking away will be punishment enough.”
Just as she reaches the door, I give her my final plea.
“Bleed if you need to. Break if you must. Just don’t leave.”
She stops dead. One heartbeat. Two. But she doesn’t look back. She doesn’t even give me the mercy of a glance. It’s like she’s already gone.
She’s three seconds from walking out of my life, and I’m three seconds from losing what’s left of my mind.
“Goodbye, Phoenix.”
I let her go. I don’t know why, maybe because some twisted part of me needs to give her this choice to see if she’ll really do it. When the door closes behind her with a click that echoes louder than any scream, I feel it like a gunshot to the chest.
She left.