CHAPTER 29
LANDRY
“Do you guys have any special plans or are you just staying home tonight?” I asked Bexley, placing my phone on speaker and setting it on the kitchen counter as I pressed the rolling pin into the dough for my home-made pasta. I had ordered a pasta maker for myself as an early Christmas present, one of the only ones I would be receiving, but it wouldn’t be arriving until the new year.
“Just staying in, nothing crazy. I wish you could be here with us,” she responded.
“Don’t worry about me, I’m making some pasta and then I plan on binge watching some rom-coms and taking a long bath. But tell your parents I said happy New Year and that I miss them!”
“Will do!” she chuckles, and I hear her turn away from the phone to relay the message as they send well wishes back .
“I’ll let you go. Have a great evening! Love you!” I speak into the phone.
“You too! I’ll call you at midnight,” she replies before we hang up.
It was New Year’s Eve, and my only plans were to make myself dinner for one and then curl into bed until midnight came around. I had the entire estate to myself, the house feeling twice as lonely without the typical staff. My father must have given them the holidays off, not needing to keep them from their families since he was out of town and it was only me staying here over the break.
I hadn’t had any more communication with him after his last email about being gone, glad for some alone time to recoup and relax before the start of the new semester.
The heated indoor pool had kept me occupied, along with reading some of the books that Olivia and Bexley had recommended—And of course some online shopping as well. I had also made good use of the kitchen, the massive space much easier to work around than the one provided by the campus dorms.
I hit play on one of my favorite true crime podcasts, placing the headphones over my ears as I listened to some twenty-year-old unsolved murder, while plating my pasta and making my way to the couch. Being alone throughout the holidays wasn’t the most ideal scenario in the world, but it was still better than some of the alternatives.
Olivia, TJ, and Nate were attending the New Year’s Eve party at Cashton, Zayn, and Kaptan’s house. I had once planned on going, until everything had gone down between Cashton and I. Olivia had once again begged me to come and said she would convince him to agree, but I had told her that I needed some time away from everyone to clear my head. At this moment, I couldn’t imagine anything worse than being stuck in the same proximity as Cashton. That is, until I heard the lock on the front door clicking.
My heart stalled, my body going rigid as I heard the front doors opening, followed by the sound of a bag being dropped on the floor and footsteps making their way through the foyer. My face blanched.
“Dad?” I hesitantly asked as my father walked into the living room, his face coming into view. “What are you doing here?”
“My connecting flight was cancelled because of this damn weather.”
The thunder boomed outside as if to prove his point, the rain assaulting the living room windows. My breath caught in my lungs, my heart pounding as I tried to figure out how to proceed.
“Glad you’re home,” I lied, forcing a smile on my face while trying to keep my composure. His words were slurred, his movements sloppy. He was drunk.
Most people had fight or flight instincts, but not me. I just froze.
He didn’t respond, instead making his way further down the hall into his office. Maybe he would stay in there all night and I could go hang out in my room for the rest of the evening.
I hurriedly finished my meal, getting up from the couch and crossing the hallway to the kitchen to rinse off my plate before throwing it in the sink. I took a look around at all of the dirty dishes lining the counter that I had planned to put off until tomorrow, quickly loading them into the dishwasher before my dad caught sight of them.
My father was not an abusive man. He had been a stand-up father up until my mom passed away a few months ago. But the alcohol had a tendency to get a hold of his temper, something that I attempted to avoid at all costs. He had become a loose cannon, and I didn’t want to give him any reason to start a fight tonight.
I finished loading the dishwasher, making sure to wipe down all of the counters before grabbing my phone and headphones and making my way out of the kitchen.
My heart caught in my throat as he entered the doorway, blocking my escape. I stood in place, willing myself not to back away out of instinct. My dad wasn’t a scary man in stature, but he had some height on me and loose morals with his current state. I just needed to find a way out of here before things escalated.
“Hey, dad,” I stammered, eyes darting around the room as I tried to find an exit without having to walk past him.
“Do you know what day it is today, Landry?”
My blood went cold, the pulsing in my ears drowning everything out around me. Of course, I knew what day it was. A year ago today, my mom and I got into a car accident. But the fact that my dad was bringing this up was unnerving to say the least. We hadn’t spoken about this in so many words, and the fist clenched around the whiskey bottle didn’t give me the impression that this would be a sentimental conversation.
“Dad…” I started, trying to find the words to let him know that I was sorry. There were so many things that I held gu ilt for in my life, the death of my mother ranking at the top of that list.
“Stop.”
My mouth shut, lips pressing together as I began shaking. I didn’t know where this was going, but I was scared to find out. He took a step towards me, looking blankly over my shoulder as if in deep thought, while a silent rage swirled in his eyes.
“She should have been here. We had just opened a bottle of champagne, the television on and ready for the countdown to begin, when she got your call. I told her not to go, to let you find your own ride home since you had been the one to get yourself into that mess. You were always such a problem.”
His eyes shone with tears, his jaw clenching and unclenching as he continued to stare vacantly at that spot on the wall behind me, lost in thought.
“I begged her to stay, to let you figure your own way out of your damn mess. But she just had to go and rescue you, and look how that ended up.” His eyes lowered to mine, the pain and hatred in them on full display. My lip quivered as I held my ground, willing the strength to come to me.
“You took her away from me,” he whispered, so low that I barely caught it.
All of this avoidance over this last year had been because I had known something like this would finally come. It was a time-bomb waiting to explode. It was no secret that he blamed me. My relationship with my father had ended the day my mom died. She was the glue that held us together, the only light in either of our lives, and I had taken that away from the both of us when I called her to come get me that night .
“Dad… I’m so sorry,” I whispered, my voice trembling as tears began to stream down my face. I tried to hold myself together, tried to stand strong, but I was so tired. So exhausted, mentally and emotionally.
“You took her away from me!” he screamed.
I flinched, dropping my gaze to the ground. I couldn’t do this, not right now. Not anymore. The weight of all of the burdens that I carried was becoming too much to bear, and I was drowning.
Keeping my head down, I raced around him and through the hallway, his drunken steps stomping behind me. I couldn’t breathe. Everything that had been building up was starting to overflow, my emotions running rampant as I hit my breaking point. I couldn’t do this.
“Landry!” my father yelled behind me, chasing me through the house. I picked up my pace, sprinting to the double doors before yanking one open and racing into the pouring rain. I needed to get out of here.
I stumbled on the first set of steps, my bare knees scraping the concrete as I forced myself to stand back up and make it down to the landing. The freezing December rain drenched me, soaking through my pajama set.
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” he screamed from the front door, taking a few steps out and stopping at the top of the steps. This wasn’t the calm anger that he had tried to contain earlier—This was pure rage, and I was terrified. My body shook, tears freely flowing down my face as I turned to face the man who had raised me, not recognizing him one bit .
“Get your ass back inside!” his voice pierced through the storm, and my body stayed frozen in place as I considered my options. I had nothing left in me, but I gave it everything I had as I begged him.
“Dad,” I yelled. “Please don’t do this,” I sniveled, my entire body shaking. “I’m so sorry about mom,” my voice cracked as the tears came down faster, blurring my vision. “I’m so, so sorry. I never meant for that to happen.” I was full-blown sobbing, my breathing erratic.
“You never meant for this to happen?!” He screamed, the veins in his neck bulging. “You’re the reason she’s dead!”
Those words hit me like a bullet to the chest, knocking the wind out of me. He lifted the bottle of booze in his right hand, taking a few swigs before rearing back and throwing it full force towards me. I ducked just in time, the bottle shattering against my car behind me as glass from the window exploded. I was close enough that a few slivers hit me in the face, sharp stings blooming across the side of my face.
“Why are you still alive instead of her! It should have been you, not her!”
My heart shattered, every remaining ounce of fight I had gone as I turned and ran.
“Go ahead and run, Landry! And don’t fucking come back! You’re nothing to me!”
I was crying so hard that I could barely see in front of me, my legs pushing to get me as far away from this house as possible. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew that any option was better than staying here.
Everything came crashing into me. The guilt over my mother’s death, the guilt over Emory’s death—It was all too much to bear. I was breaking, nothing left in me to fight as I absorbed my dad’s words and let them consume me.
You took her away from me.
It should have been you, not her.
You’re nothing to me .
And then I remembered Cashton’s harsh words. All of them slamming into me as I let the dam break and let all of it truly sink in.
I loathe you.
You are nothing.
You mean nothing to me.
I was nothing. Not worthy of being loved, not worthy of anything. My heart splintered into a million pieces, everything crashing down on me as I realized just how pointless this all was. Why did I think I could be someone better? Why did I think I could actually become worthy of anything? Nothing had changed.
I was nothing.
I began hyperventilating, realizing that I didn’t have a single thing on me. I had dropped my cell phone when I had stumbled down the steps, my car keys most likely inside the house somewhere, along with my anxiety medication.
The rain beat down even harder, the adrenaline the only thing keeping me warm as my feet began to go numb, my drenched hair and clothes stuck to my body as I forced my legs to keep running.
I had nothing, and I was nothing. I was tempted to stop right on the side of the road, walk into the forest to my right, and let myself wither away from existence. But the tiniest sliver inside of me kept pushing, begging me to at least get somewhere safe before I let myself shut down.
Between the pouring rain and the freezing weather, I wouldn’t make it through the night if I let myself give up now. I guess my survival instincts weren’t ready to let me give up just yet.
Where could I possibly even go? The dorms were closed over the break, and Bexley was a good hour out of town at her family estate. Without my phone, I had no chance of calling her to come pick me up.
And Olivia… Was at the New Year’s Eve party at Cashton’s house. Maybe if I could just get there, I could get her to give me a ride to her house, and I could stay there until I got everything situated.
The adrenaline kept me moving, my body fighting me to let me just stop and lay down right here. And I wanted to listen. My sobs only grew harder, the cold soaking through me as my body violently shook.
I felt like a hollow shell, not even sure how I was able to keep myself up as every horrible thought that I had ever thought about myself played on repeat in my head. It was overwhelming, and all I wanted was to scream at the top of my lungs to let it all out.
The running helped, the pure exhaustion forcing my brain to quiet. Just when I thought I couldn’t push any farther, I forced myself to keep going, my entire body working independently from my brain. It had to be at least ten miles to get to Cashton’s house, but the landmarks I passed told me I was somehow getting closer .
I just needed to get there. And I would find a way to get to Olivia, and she would take me to her house. And then I could let myself fall apart. I just had to get there.
My sight slowly began to blur, fading in and out as black spots dotted my vision. I was pushing myself too hard, my body numb from the exertion and the cold. I couldn’t feel my nose or my fingers, my toes having already gone numb a few miles back. My camisole clung to my skin, goosebumps covering every inch of me.
My breathing was labored, the quick breaths drawing frigid air into my lungs, making it even harder to breathe. Was I going to die out here? I guess that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. I just knew that I wanted to see Bexley and Olivia at least one more time, I couldn’t leave them like this.
I had to be close, I just had to make it a little bit farther. My legs throbbed, the muscles aching as they began to give out.
Fuck. I was actually going to die out here.
Just as the thought crossed my mind, I caught sight of the gate I had been looking for. My teeth chattered painfully, my entire face now numb from the frigid air as I stumbled through the open gates and up the steep driveway to the dark mansion looming above. I could hear the music blasting, cars lining both sides of the property as the party went on.
I faltered for a moment, wondering if I should even bother. Cashton had made his stance clear, and I wasn’t even sure if any of the other guys would care to see me. I didn’t want to have to face them. I was at an all-time low, and I could still turn back now and find somewhere else to go. But where?
The thoughts distracted me for a moment, my mind and body too cold and tired to keep me standing as I tripped and landed on all fours. I had to get help. I had made it this far, I just needed to get a little bit further and everything would be okay. I just needed to find Olivia.
I whimpered as I pushed myself to my feet, my body violently shaking as I slowly dragged myself to the front door. My teeth were audibly chattering, jaw muscles locked tight as the cold began to truly set in.
I rapped my knuckles against the door, seeing bodies crowding the space through the clouded glass. No answer, so I used the last of my strength to pound my fist against it, hoping that somebody would hear it over the music. My vision was becoming even more blurred, the tears having run out long ago. I couldn’t hold myself up, I was going to pass out.
Finally, the door opened, and I looked up. Some random guy stood there, a horrified expression on his face as he took in the scene in front of him.
“Olivia… Please…Get Olivia…” I forced out, the words barely a whisper before my head grew too heavy and I felt everything spinning around me. I had gotten here. He would get Olivia, and I would be okay. I felt myself go limp, my body crashing to the ground as the music and voices faded. My vision went next, everything going black.