Chapter 26 Indie
Indie
Will It Ever Be The Same - Young Summer
We’ve been at Saint’s hidden sanctuary for almost a week now, which I’ve been made aware is actually called The Pit. I didn’t ask Dawson where they came up with the name; I just took one look around and thought, yep, that’ll do it.
I haven’t seen Saint much. He’s spent most of his time with Rex, huddled around the desk in their meeting room along with Dawson, then disappearing into another for more hushed conversations.
The Pit is concealed within the woodland of Grovewell, a vastly vacant area which sits on Kingstone’s state line, over six hours away from our home.
There’s nothing for miles except the unforgiving weald; the closest piece of civilization is two hours away.
We’re literally in the middle of fucking nowhere, but I can understand the need, seeing as Saint’s operation is highly illegal.
A deep burr of vibrations rattles on the bedside table, my phone screen lighting up with an incoming call catching my attention. I lift it, seeing it’s my mom, and dread settles in the base of my stomach.
Honestly, I’ve been avoiding having to contact her.
She can read me like a book, knows when I’m lying, and sure as hell will know I’m not where I’m supposed to be.
The phone stops vibrating, and my shoulders slacken, but the relief doesn’t linger, because she’s right back on it, this time video calling.
“Fuck,” I mutter, walking over to the door to my room to close it.
Welp, here goes nothing.
“Hi, Mom.” My cheeks pull up to give her my best fake smile as I sit against the headboard of the bed.
“Yes, hello to you too! I’ve been trying to call you for days.”
She looks as exasperated as she sounds. Ever since my attack, her motherly worry grew tenfold.
Little does she know, it’s other people who need to worry.
No one fucks with me anymore.
I attempt raking through excuses in my head, shuffling the pillows behind me whilst I get them in order.
“Sorry, Mom, Gina and I decided to take a couple weeks off instead after I called you, so I’ve been travelling. I’m okay, Mom, promise. I’m so sorry I didn’t call you; I was just caught up in the moment.”
Technically, that’s not a lie, just a twisted truth.
So far, so good.
Her blue eyes instantly soften. “Sorry, honey. You know I worry. You might be twenty-eight, but you’ll always be my baby.”
The corner of my mouth twists to the side. “I know, I’m also your favourite.”
Mom throws her head back, a heartwarming melody of laughter leaving her.
“No, I love you both equally.” She glances over the phone, lowering her voice to whisper, “Your sister’s here,” and adding a wink at the end.
My brows shoot up.
“Jesus, is it Thanksgiving already?” I tap my phone, thinking Louisa took my joke seriously, and I’ve missed the holiday.
Thankfully, that’s not for another few weeks yet.
Mom chuckles. “Barry’s got some business in the city. She dropped by to see how things were.”
Now I feel kind of bad for calling my sister out the last time I saw her, so I swiftly change the subject. “How did your weekend away with Morgan go?”
“It was good. He’s always been nice. It’s just…” She bites her inner cheek, shrugging her shoulders, and I know that look.
“He isn’t Dad,” I answer for her. The undertone in her voice was once mine.
My heart belongs to Saint, and I haven’t been able to give that or my body to anyone else.
The two dates I managed to agree to ended up with me calling them off. It made me feel physically sick, letting anyone close to me like that, even though I knew I needed to do it to move on.
I could barely stomach their texted compliments or way of flirting, because they were nothing like the way his words had an effect on me, and every time I read them, it was his voice I heard.
She drags in a breath and says, “No one could ever be,” letting it blow back down the phone, sending a crackle through the speaker. “I don’t know; he’s been widowed longer than I have. I think we’re both just trying to get our heads around thinking we should move on.”
“It’ll take time. Dad was the love of your life. His partner was probably his.”
Mom was with Dad longer than she was without him. I was lucky enough to have my dad for all those years I did.
He never got to see me graduate, and he never got to learn about what happened to me. That latter is a bittersweet blessing.
Mom adjusts herself on the sofa. “Anyway, enough about my depressing love life. Where have my girls headed off to?”
Shit.
Not so fast on my feet now.
My head screams at me to rein the sentence back, but my mouth has a mind of its own.
“Well…we…decided to go to England.”
I briefly squeeze my eyes shut.
England, Indie? Really?
It’s only been a couple of days, and Saint’s already warping my mind.
“England!” Mom exclaims. “Wait, so you’re four hours behind right now?” She tilts her head as she examines me through the phone, stirring nerves through my body when her eyes narrow a little further.
My fingers fly off the screen, bringing up a Google search. “Yeah…that’s about right. It’s random, I know. We just wanted to do a little bit of travelling, you know, our delayed graduation plans.”
Regina, Jenna and I had planned to go on a girls’ trip for a couple of weeks, before we all descended into adult lives and careers. It was just another thing that was stolen from us.
Instead of a lie, it feels like I’m manifesting an unattainable wish.
“Oh, Indie. I’m just happy to hear you’re out there living, honey.” She beams at me, and I can tell her eyes are watering, the light glistening off her crystal-blue eyes.
I take that as my cue to change the subject into safer territory. “So what’s been happening back home?”
“Nothing really…Oh!” Her eyes widen. “There was a house that blew up a couple hours away from here. A gas leak, apparently. The owners didn’t survive.” She presses her lips into a hard line.
A nervous laugh gets caught in my throat. “Damn, that’s…terrible.”
I internally thank the past me for future me’s problems.
It would be a pretty awkward situation if Mom knew that was actually mine and Regina’s house.
“I’ve called for a service on our house just in case.”
“You’re crazy, I’m sure—”
Heavy knocks thump against my door, stuffing the words back into my mouth.
Saint pushes into my room, hand wrapped around the handle as he peeks inside.
His eyes search my room, calling my name, and his voice booms louder than usual throughout the bedroom.
Fucking hell.
I’m not built for this shit.
My gaze darts from him back to my phone, Mom’s eyebrow pinching her hairline. “Who was that?”
“Uhh.”
The silence is loud, and the weight of two pairs of eyes on me is heavy.
“Was that…Saint?” she says in my reluctance, piecing together the voice and my fake location.
I changed my mind.
I’m not thankful for past me.
In fact, I could fucking strangle her for thinking that was a great idea.
“It was.” My hand slides to the back of my heated neck, glancing back over at him.
We stare at each other, his face giving nothing away, meanwhile my heart rate’s malfunctioning whilst my mom blurts through the speaker.
“Oh my God, Indie! Are you two back together? Let me say hi, I haven’t seen him in—” But then her tone plummets. It gives me more of a scolding than her words ever could.
“Indie.”
When I look back at her, she’s no longer on the sofa, the excitement clearly boosting her off her ass.
Mom walks through the house, and a familiar voice fills the speakers.
“What is it?” Louisa asks, and Mom grins as she lowers the phone to speak to her.
“Indie’s with Saint, in England. Regina’s there too!” She tries to say it quietly, but she may as well be screeching through a damn megaphone in the room I’m in.
“England?!” Louisa exclaims, and Mom hushes her.
My hand moves from comforting my neck to dragging along my face. If the ground could swallow me up, I’d be eternally grateful for it.
The bed dips beside me. I didn’t even hear him sneaking over; the man seems to have the agility of a feline.
“Hi, Mrs Kent,” he says, leaning over me to look into the phone.
My muscles seize up. Between the heat from his body and his scent, I can’t fucking breathe.
Mom flashes the brightest smile I’ve seen in years. “Well, hello, stranger. You kept this quiet, Indie. Is this why you were so shifty the last time I called?”
The hairs along my arms rise.
How the hell do I explain this?
I’ve officially run out of the syrup to keep up with my lies.
No, Mom, I was led to believe I was killing someone from a list I stole from a secret society. Turns out it was fake and I almost killed Saint, and now I’m locked away in his ivory tower for my bad behaviour.
“Probably. She’s been stalking me.” Saint lazily draws his gaze to mine, his arm reaching behind me to grip the top of the headboard.
The urge to clap back at him is strong, but my head and my heart disintegrate at the proximity, and I’m lost in the intensity of his eyes.
Anything I voiced would be yet another lie, seeing as I hacked a feed to watch his dad’s house, along with the cabin.
Oh God.
I was a stalker.
“Oh my goodness, it’s like looking into the past. But…what the hell is that stuff around your neck, Saint? You seem to have gotten carried away with the drawing, like Indie.” Mom laughs, rolling her eyes.
My eyes mirror the same motion she just pulled. “Mom, I have one.”
“One too many!” She chuckles, and I can’t help the lopsided smile that forms. “Anyways, I best let you two go. Look after my girl, Saint. I want to see you both and hear all about it when you’re home. Give Gina my love!”
She’s smiling so hard I can imagine her cheeks will hurt.
If only what’s going on in her head was real.
We say our goodbyes and I lock my phone, Saint slowly rising to his full height, staring down at me.
“Did you uh, need something?” I ask, fidgeting in my spot whilst his enormous frame looms over me.
He walks to the end of my bed, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “The guys are picking up supplies from town. Gina’s already given me a list. Wanted to see if there’s anything you need? Something you want to eat?”
You.
The impulsive thought causes me to choke on my own saliva.
Fuck, I feel like I’m eighteen again, whenever Saint would say something, and my mind would dive straight into the gutter.
It instantly has the heat searing in my cheeks.
“Fuck, you okay?” he says, slapping my back.
The force of his paw pounding on it makes it worse.
“I’m good, just choked on air.” My words break up with each slap.
God, I need lessons on how to be around him again. That’s embarrassing.
His hand abruptly pulls away, and I glance up at him as he pushes it through his hair.
“You can let me know. They’ll be leaving in a half hour.” He turns to walk away, and ‘it’s now or never’ chants through my head.
“Saint, wait,” I blurt out.
He pauses at the door, shoulders going rigid as he slowly shifts to face me.
His frosty gaze causes the beats in my chest to thunder, and I run my sweaty palms down my thighs, straightening my spine.
My words come out without taking a breath.
“I’m sorry…for everything. I searched for you everywhere.
Visited your apartment twice that day, your dad’s.
I called Rex.” My breath shudders, struggling to say what came after.
“I shouldn’t have left you. I was just too consumed by everything.
Everyone just kept looking at me with pity, and I couldn’t stand the sight of it. ”
Holding my air, I glance up at him to gauge the reaction.
He’s as still as the night until something passes behind his eyes, gone the minute he blinks.
“I wish my mind would have allowed me to communicate with you better. Instead, I let those dark thoughts drag me down with them. I didn’t want to tell anyone, and it got to a point I thought I’d never be able to get back to normal again.
I pushed you away, because I thought I was doing the best thing for you, for us. If I’d have known…”
My jaw clamps shut, grinding my teeth together to fight back the crack in my voice, the pressure so tight it threatens the tears to spill over, causing my vision to blur more.
“I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry,” I breathe, my chest rising and falling from speaking so fast, unloading a truth I’ve had to bury for years.
Thinking I’d never be able to get rid of the weight it holds over me.
My love for him never died; it stayed alive, killing me slowly each and every day.
Fear eventually wraps around the admission, telling him it could sound like utter madness.
But when I look into his eyes, it feels like there’s never been any distance between us at all.
Those eyes have done more things to me than his words or actions ever could.
I force a swallow, casting my gaze down to the safety of the ground.
“After Jenna’s…” I clamp my mouth shut again, weaving her name with what she succumbed to. It never gets easier, and the guilt over it still holds me prisoner.
“Everything just got dark so quickly, and the only way that helped me survive was to become a part of it.”
When I muster the bravery I need to glance up, I find he’s inched closer.
The pupils in his eyes have blown so much, you can barely see the storm that rumbles within the grey, his voice sounding like silk as it wraps around me.
“I told you once, and I’ll tell you a million times over. There was never any blame on you, or Gina, or Jenna. There isn’t a single thing you should be apologising for.”
His wary hands ghost up my arms, reaching around to cup my nape.
It paralyses me; the only sign of movement in me is my heart drumming like a war signal.
His gaze drops from my eyes to my lips. He’s so close, I could reach out and kiss him. But he’s freed from whatever trance he was in, dropping his hands like my skin burned him.
We’re both breathing deeply, the air thickening between us.
“You don’t need to hesitate, Saint,” I whisper, watching the conflicted battle in his mind. “Every time you reach out to me, you either think twice about it, or snatch your hand away. I’m okay with it.”
It’s the same way he was when he visited me all those years ago. Neither of us were sure if I could tolerate it, and watching him fight his natural reaction to have his hands on me, not even the sexual side, just the connection between us.
Whilst his touch always brought me pleasure, the comfort and safety outweighed it all.
He tilts his head sharply, taking a step back. “Good night, Indie.”
And with that, he leaves the room.
The minute the door closes, the space feels too big, too empty, too cold.
Despite the chilling darkness that’s always lurked behind him, he sets my body alight.
But right now, it’s replaced with a dull ache in my chest, the same one that’s weighed my heart down the past six years.