9. Astor
NINE
ASTOR
Idon’t stop him.
I’m not frozen.
I could move if I wanted to, and still I let him open my belt.
I’m so damn hard.
I don’t want this. I can’t want it. It goes against everything I thought I knew about myself.
What is wrong with me? I ask myself for the millionth time.
He looks into my eyes as his fingers work open my button. But I avoid his gaze. It’s not right. He can’t be. I don’t want anyone to touch me. Let alone a man. My button gives, and he skims his fingers over my bare abs, causing my skin to catch fire. He’ll burn me alive if I let him. I just know it.
I can’t let anyone have this power over me. If I open the door even a crack, it will break me. This is just a game for him, and it’s already too real for me, but there’s no way I can tell him. He’d never understand.
I find some sort of resolve and slide my hand up to his throat, curling my fingers just under where I hold the knife. “Get off me. I’m not going to ask you again.”
This psychotic mother fucker presses into my palm and the blade, slicing open a tiny thin line on his own throat, proving how sharp it is. “Do it like you mean it.”
I squeeze the sides of his neck, a drop of warm blood trickling down to my grip. “I’m going to kill you.”
His gaze is heady. “You’re making me so hard, baby.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“You think I’m the one with issues?” He yanks down my zipper and my breath catches. “I slit my own throat on your knife, and you haven’t moved an inch. You’re not fighting it.”
My entire body goes numb except where his warm fingers start to drag down my briefs.
“Rurik.” I groan, and I can’t believe the sound is coming out of me.
“Yes, baby?” He flicks the ball of his tongue piercing against my lips.
“I can’t.” My words tremble.
“I told you to make me.” He whispers over my lips like he’s going to kiss me again.
And I can’t bear to let him.
I can’t do this. I can’t let him touch me. I know how I’ll react. It’s embarrassing, and I won’t let anyone see that side of me. I have to keep my order, or I’m no better than the rest of them. It’s all I have left.
My body is lying. It’s just a reaction.
I’m shaking despite my best efforts. It didn’t happen. It didn’t happen. I promised myself I’d never let it happen again, and it didn’t, but the blood in my mouth reminds me how close it was and I can’t stop shaking. My knuckles are white with the effort.
Finding my nerve from somewhere, I shove him off me.
He stumbles back, bringing up his hand to wipe the blood off his throat, but even that doesn’t dissuade him. He licks the red fluid off his thumb and grabs his cock, squeezing it.
I can’t help but look. The outline in his jeans is huge. Thick and long. A dark, disturbed part of me wants to see it. He takes a step towards me, flicking his tongue over his teeth.
I brandish the knife between us. If I let him touch me again, I don’t know if I’ll be able to make him stop again.
“Get out. I won’t ask again.”
“That’s not what you want.”
I hate that a part of me thinks he’s right. “I will make you.”
He searches my face, and I harden it to make sure he can’t make any excuse to stay. “You’re just putting it off. You’re going to give in to me.”
“I’m not into that.”
“What?”
“Anyone,” I make myself say.
“Never said you were, but that’s not going to stop you from sucking my cock.”
“I’d never do that.”
He laughs.
“Leave. Please. Or I’ll call my bodyguards, and then you can explain to the school why you’ve broken into my room.”
He doesn’t move, and for a minute, I’m sure he’s going to charge me and take what he wants.
I kind of wish he would, but then he turns on his heel and goes out my window.
Did that mother fucker just jump?
I’m at the sill in a second, searching the ground for his crumpled body, getting my phone out to call an ambulance.
But he’s nowhere to be found.
How the fuck did he do that?
Maybe he’s down there, and I just can’t see him. Whatever. If he’s jumped out a window, he can lay there all night and learn a lesson about not climbing through people’s windows. Serves him fucking right.
I can’t settle for hours. I hate myself for pushing him away, and for letting it get that far. I’m torn between knowing his interest might have helped me, while also sure I couldn’t go through with what he wanted. And that just makes me hate myself more. Why can’t I just be normal?
It feels like I’ve only slept for minutes when my alarm goes off.
I’m back at the window searching for his stupid body.
The window is still open, and it’s icy in my room.
I should have closed it. It’s so dark there’s no better way to make him out if he is there.
I don’t know what I’m thinking. Grabbing the sill to pull it shut, I notice a glint on the edge of the sill.
A tiny piece of green sea glass sits there. Was it there before?
I pick it up and pocket it before shutting the window. I’m going to be late if I don’t get moving, and I’m not letting him ruin another day.
But he’s not on the river when I get there and I’m sure I’ve blown my last chance with him and worse than knowing I failed my brother, I think I’m sad I won’t see him again.