11. Astor
ELEVEN
ASTOR
“Are we going out tonight?” Finn asks Viv.
With Rurik leaving me alone, things have gotten easier with them. As long as I let them take me out once or twice a week, they let me do my thing the rest of the time. Finn stopped pushing so many women on me, happy I indulge him at all.
“I can’t. I have a girls’ thing.” Viv brushes him off, so he turns to me, and I have to debate if it’s worth disrupting my order.
But I’ve spent the last two weeks preemptively exhausted in a thought spiral, wondering if I’ve done the right thing. I still look for Rurik every time I’m out, but either he’s really good at avoiding me or he doesn’t party in the same circles Finn does.
And maybe it’s for the better, because I can’t get that night out of my head.
Rurik was at least partly right. I was hard. He did feel good. But I shouldn’t like what he was doing. I should hate it. I hate everyone touching me. There’s no reason he’d be an exception.
It’s not worth dwelling on, but telling myself that doesn’t stop the spiral. What if I’d let him keep going? Would I be working on the next puzzle for Legacy?
“Not tonight. Maybe this weekend, yeah?” I can’t keep my mask up any longer.
“Ash…” Finn pleads before the words are even full out of my mouth.
“Let him be. You know how he gets when you push him.” Viv saves me.
Finn sighs but redirects his attention to his phone.
Viv and I have grown closer, finding the enjoyment of each other’s company in quiet ways like we did as kids, and I’ve found I like not being alone all the time.
She and I can just exist together. Going about our own studies and routines, but it’s familiar and intimate in a way things can only be with someone who knows you almost as well as they know themselves.
There is something about shared family dynamics and trauma only those few will understand at your core levels.
And I’m elated to have her back in my life this way. A hole filled I didn’t know I needed.
“Can you put a cuppa on for me too?” Viv asks when I get up from where we’ve been studying in the large living space on the first floor of the building.
“You were just waiting for me to move first, weren’t you?”
She grins huge. “Of course I was, Astor.”
Ice runs through my veins. “You can’t call me that here.”
She slaps a hand over her mouth. “It’s weird to get used to.”
“I know, I don’t love it, but Dad and my uncle think it’s best I keep my time here as quiet as possible. Want a cup, Finn?” I pick up her cup.
He shakes his head. “Nah, I’m heading out. You two are boring.”
I go to the modest kitchen to put the kettle on.
It gives me a few minutes to try and figure out how I’m feeling.
I’m not mad at her. I think I’ve just slipped into such a state of normalcy here, only worried about getting into Legacy, I forgot momentarily the greater weight of what waits for me at home.
What I’m not accomplishing here.
I hate Rurik. I never want to see his smug face again, but have I inevitably fucked myself? But that’s a lie too. A part of me enjoyed his attention. It was something just for me.
Should I have indulged Rurik’s interest for admittance? Was that my folly? Or would he have had me and discarded me as I’ve found his reputation is known for? Either way it doesn’t matter, he’s lost interest. Maybe drawing his eye at all precluded me from admission.
Why am I still going over and over this shit? Why can’t I just fucking move on?
Worst of all, in this process, I think, is that I will never know. I’ve never failed at anything, and having no measure of what’s even expected might drive me mad.
And I’m back in the twist of thoughts.
Round and round endlessly on what I should have done, if anything at all, until I want to claw my eyes out or lobotomize myself to get it to stop. This house is pretty old. Maybe I’ll get lucky, and there’s an old ice pick lying around in a drawer.
The whistle of the kettle breaks the intrusive thoughts.
I return with Viv’s cup, setting it next to her as she reads before returning to my notes, when a glint catches my attention. A gold wax seal on a thick cream envelope. The kind of thick parchment usually reserved for expensive invitations. “What’s that?”
“Oh, it came for you while you were making tea. Someone dropped it through the letter box.” She leans forward and offers it to me.
I stare at it before remembering I’m expected to take it from her. Turning it over in my hands, I inspect it, not at all wanting to get my hopes up, while also not sure I should open it in front of Viv.
“What is it?”
My head snaps up, and I cling to my mask. Without growing up how I had, I might not be able to accomplish it. “I’ve no idea. Probably just an invitation to one of the honors societies I’ve applied to, considering how everything is treated at the Ivy Leagues in America.”
“Without nobility, how else will people sort themselves into boxes? The prestige is one way to accomplish it. We do it too.” She looks like she’s going to say more but doesn’t.
“I guess I just notice it less since it was put on me at birth with no say.”
“You have a different view of it than most,” she says like she knows some of what I’ve been through. And maybe she does to some extent. Our fathers are brothers after all, but I can’t imagine she knows the depths of it. “I’m sure most would still trade their place with you.”
"They probably would immediately.” I leave it at that, not wanting to even hint at anything and bring unwanted questions. I tuck the invitation under my book and stand, acting nonplussed. “I have to go to class.”
She checks her delicate Tiffany watch. “Shit, me too. I would have forgotten.”
I force myself not to run to my room.
It’s not from Legacy.
But what else could it be?
I can’t get my hopes up.
I rip open the letter as soon as I have my door closed. Scanning the words. It’s a printed out picture of an art piece with no other instructions but it’s from Legacy. Their seal is on the bottom.
I sink to a seat on my bed, hungover from the swing of emotions.
Disappointment edges into my mood. I should be elated but now I know Rurik isn’t coming back. If I get in I’ll have to see him which is fine. I’ve dealt with worse, but there is this stone in my gut I know has to do with him.
I force myself back up. I need to get to class and not allow myself to sink into my mind. If I do I may never surface. I can’t think about any of it.
So I make myself go to class then the library to research the clue.
It’s late when I finish, and whatever demon spirit possessed me and leads me to pass in front of the Vault on the way back from the library clearly made plans for my evening.
The massive gothic building is a staple of the Exitier campus.
The secret society built it in 1908 when they were still trying to be recognized as a senior society like Skull and Bones, the cover still worked for the general population, which gave the organization enough deniability and mystery for the university to continue to allow them to operate on campus.
But in reality, they are nothing like Skull and Bones, which is basically no more than an elite and exclusive club of well-connected individuals.
Let alone the difference in admissions. Skull and Bones picks from very specific roles, while Legacy uses puzzles and trials to form their selective admissions process.
A large figure pushes out of the side door and I instantly know it’s him. I’ve spent enough time rowing beside him to know his gait anywhere. He stops and checks his watch but he doesn’t see me.
I don’t know what possesses me but I call his name.
He freezes and I walk towards him.
“Are you stalking me?” Rurik put a hand over his mouth and gasped in a reaction I can only call surprised anime girl. It would be cute if I didn’t know how deadly he is. “You shouldn’t have!”
“NO!” I check my tone because I sound way too enthusiastic, but I don’t need to encourage the asshole. “No. I’m on my way back from the library and saw you coming out of the Vault.” My denial doesn’t alter his growing grin one bit.
“Sure you were.” He winks. “I bet you missed me.”
I hate that he’s right. “No, really, Rurik.”
He groans, getting in my space. “I love when you say my name. Do it again.”
“You’re making me regret saying it the first time.”
He leans in, bringing his face a breath from mine. “I don’t believe you.”
“Are you always this impossible?”
What am I even doing? I could have just let him leave the building without a word, but the nagging voice in the back of my head told me this was another chance and if I can just keep him happy I’ll have another shot, and I can’t risk blowing this a second time.
Not after getting the clue this afternoon.
I’d done worse for less.
And this is my choice. I’m in control. I kicked him out and I can draw him back in. I can keep him on the hook and keep some boundaries. I’d done it when he’d broken into my room. I just need to handle it with a softer touch so he doesn’t leave for good.
“What makes you think I’m impossible?” He steps towards me, and I back up.
“You don’t believe anything I say.” I back up another step.
He keeps getting closer. “If you’d stop lying to me, I wouldn’t have to not believe you.”
“What am I lying about?” I grunt as I slam into a tree.
He presses his palm next to my head while his other hand plays with the fringe of my coat, boxing me in. “Today or the whole time we’ve known each other? Because I can come up with a whole list.”
It’s exhilarating being caged in by him, and I hate that I like it.
“I wasn’t lying the other night.” My tone is laced with exasperation.
“Your dick was rock hard, baby.”
“A hard dick doesn’t mean someone wants to fuck you.” I won’t let him win this one.
“But it does mean you’re not straight and at least a little into it..”
I don’t know how to defend myself. “But I am.”
“And here I am, still not believing you.” He flicks his tongue over his teeth, smile not faltering.