15. Astor
FIFTEEN
ASTOR
“Aguy?” I ask, knowing full well who she must mean, but it could be anyone on the team, right? The team is full of guys she may know. “I crew with the team…?” I feign confusion, but I’m careful about how much I offer without knowing what she knows. A lesson I learned young.
“No, when you go early.”
I hate being caught off guard with information she shouldn’t know.
No one should know he rows with me in the morning.
I don’t know what to ask or even admit to because she’s holding all the cards.
I feel like a child in trouble again, and I despise being backed into a corner, even if that’s not her intent.
“Oh… you mean…” I hesitate for a moment, like I’m trying to recall his name. “The big, tattooed guy. Yes? I can’t remember his name.” I hedge because I know I have to admit something.
“Rurik.”
I snap. “Yes, that’s right.”
“Why are you rowing with him?”
“With him?” I laugh past the lump in my throat, feeling like she can read the guilt on my face. I still have his dried cum on my fingers, for fuck’s sake. This is a nightmare.
Who the fuck could have told her?
“So I’ve heard.” She’s closed-lipped not giving me anything to go on.
We were all trained to be this way. I’m not even surprised, but I don’t want to give her anything.
“And?”
“Why?”
I look at her like she’s lost her mind. “He your boyfriend or something?” I laugh again, and it’s easier this time.
She really is being odd about the whole thing. She certainly doesn’t care who Finn hangs out with. “He’s bad news.”
“I guess, good thing I hardly know him.”
“Then why is he rowing with you?”
“With me is a misnomer. He crews. Sometimes he shows up early like I do to get in a session. I guess. I’ve never asked.” When she doesn’t reply, I ask, “Why?”
“He’s a rake and not someone you should let weasel their way into your life.”
“I don’t own the river, Viv.” I take a step closer to her, softening. “What are you so concerned about? Is he a threat?”
“You’re not interested in him, are you?” Concern is written all over her face, but it seems like there is more under the surface.
But I’ll take concern. I can work with that.
“What are you talking about? He’s some guy who’s on the river the same time I am.”
“Astor, I’m serious. Please tell me you aren’t seeing him.”
“Why would you even think I’m seeing him?”
“You’re not saying no.” She’s finally backed me so far I have to lie to her, and that’s the last thing I want to do.
“Do you think I’m gay?” It feels like the only defense and still not good enough.
“I didn’t say that. I’ve never thought you were…” She puts a hand around the base of her throat, like she’s trying to portray concern, but her body language is screaming it’s deeper. “I just know how he is, and he likes to get what he wants. I don’t want him to force himself on you.”
If only she knew the half of it. I school my features, not exposing myself.
“He hardly shows up. Whoever is feeding you these things is trying to stir up gossip. And I won’t feed into it. You know how my father and uncle would react. I wouldn’t play those games.” I make eye contact to drive my point across. “This is far-fetched even for you, Viv.”
“I guess you have a point there. I’ve never seen him interested in someone for more than it took him to get them in bed.” She visibly relaxes.
I lift my shoulders, my stomach sinking. If it’s true, I won’t see him again, and that’s fine. I took a calculated risk. I can compartmentalize it. It meant nothing. We used each other.
I take her hand in mine. “I understand your concern, but you know I have no interest in seeing anyone. I never have, and I have too much on my plate as it is. What is going on that would make you jump to such a conclusion?”
“It’s not like you to just let someone in like that.”
I scoff, recoiling. “Believe me, I did not.”
He forced his way in, but we won’t be talking about that. I can’t exactly tell her why I need him. Or might need him.
“I want to protect you like my brother. I know what you hide under those walls.” She means well. I know she does.
I shoot her a look. “You don’t do this to Finn.”
“Can you imagine? He is the problem. You’re not, and I don’t want anyone to hurt you.”
“It’s laughable.” I squeeze her hand. “Please don’t believe crap. I don’t know what anyone gains by these rumors, but they aren’t worth the breath they are whispered in.”
“I…don’t believe them.” Her hesitation makes me doubt her, but I can’t put my finger on why. “It’s just weird considering everything.”
“Considering what?”
She waves her hand in the air. “Anyone talking about you when you’re here, kind of anonymously.”
I didn’t get more explanation out of her, and I keep replaying the conversation in my head when I need to be focusing on the clue. He wouldn’t have told her, would he? I can’t make sense of why he would do it. So who else is left? Someone on the crew team? Or one of my bodyguards.
I need to make a better effort to keep them in the dark. I hate being watched and feeling like I need to be looking over my shoulder.
I pack the entire damned conversation up and put it in a box in my mind, then put it on a shelf, refusing to keep going over it. The way I deal with anything I don’t have the capacity for. The source would reveal itself or not.
I pick up the embossed letter again and flip the page to the picture there. Text superimposed over the art says, ‘This image contains all the information you need.’
But it’s nothing discernible.
I put it on my desk and smooth out the creases.
But it hits me.
I don’t know how I missed it before.