20. Astor
TWENTY
ASTOR
Iwake slowly before my alarm, and my limbs are heavy, locked.
There’s an invisible weight on my chest, restricting my breathing.
Fear pulses through my veins because I know what’s coming.
My gaze darts towards the door. Waiting for it to come in.
Panic crawls up my throat. I try to pull into myself.
To close my eyes. To do anything to get away from what is coming.
A few weeks’ reprieve was enough to make this episode so much worse.
My breathing hitches, but my lungs barely expand. I want to scream, but my throat won’t work. My body is ice, frozen and immoveable. I focus on just a finger. If I can just break out of it a little, the rest of my body will follow.
The handle jingles, and I fight my fucking body before the door opens. Tears leak out of the corners of my eyes, but I still can’t move, can’t blink, can’t do anything but allow it. Terror crawls over me like creeping fog, climbing towards my throat ready to suffocate me.
The handle moves again. It wants in.
I fight to close my eyes just so I don’t have to see it again.
An arm slings over me. Did the demon climb into bed with me? I didn’t see it come in. The door never opened. Is it already in bed with me? I cringe internally, filling with dread and disgust.
But the pressure slowly becomes more real, pulling me out of paralysis. And I’m not sure if I should feel better or worse. Who the fuck is in bed with me?
“You okay?” Rurik’s voice breaks through the terror.
My breathing slows a little. It’s not my sleep paralysis demon in bed with me.
It’s a psychopath. Which is actually marginally better, and that in itself is pretty fucked up.
My panic recedes some. I will myself to move before he realizes what’s going on.
The last thing I want to do is to explain this to him.
“Baby?” He presses in behind me, his lips finding my neck.
Finally, his touch must snap me out of it, and my body relents, releasing me from the stranglehold.
“Yes…I’m awake…you stayed…”
“If you think I was missing the chance to wake up with you, you’re wrong.” He bites the curve of my neck.
“What time is it?” I pick up my head, looking at my alarm clock. “I need to get up, or I’ll be late.”
“Late for what?”
“Crew.”
“Or we could stay in bed.”
My chest tightens at the mere suggestion. “I can’t. I have a routine.”
“But you’re choosing it. You can stay in bed and let me suck your cock again.”
My dick likes the sound of his suggestion, but the rest of me recoils. I can’t.
I will not do this. I will not. I can make myself not.
This was merely to get on his good side, not about who I am. Not who I’m allowed to be. My body’s fucking confused. That has to be it.
“I can’t miss.” He won’t understand, and I won’t try to explain.
I’m not still thinking about his offer.
I shouldn’t like it. No one should fuck like that. But I, especially, shouldn’t like it. I should feel violated right now. I’ve never liked anyone touching me, for obvious reasons. I should be upset.
I push back on the part of me that wants to stay in bed, because it immediately makes my skin crawl.
I force myself away from him and out of bed, which in itself sets me on edge. I’m three minutes early. If I start getting dressed now, it will put my entire order off. But if I get back in bed, I know he won’t let me leave. I hesitate, torn between forward movement and backward.
“This is a hate crime.” He snaps me out of my spiral.
“What are you talking about?”
“You hate me, and getting out of bed when I offer to suck your dick is a crime. A hate crime.” He rubs his eyes, and I tear my gaze away.
This isn’t real. It can’t be. For either of us. Our worlds are entirely different. This is only to get into Legacy. I’m straight, and I’m only allowed to be straight.
“I have things to do. I didn’t get to the cipher or the clue last night, which puts me behind. I don’t know how much time I have to do this….”
“You’re fine on time.”
My attention snaps back to him. “Can you even tell me that?”
He shrugs, climbing out of bed in all of his naked glory. Acting like it’s nothing to be so bare. I’d passed out so quickly I hadn’t even noticed he slept like that.
He grabs my hips, dipping his thumbs under the waistband of my nightclothes. “Come back to bed.”
“Come rowing.” If I can willpower through the rest of my fucking life, I can willpower through this. I don’t have to act on this.
I don’t have to do anything.
People who act on every fucking whim are weak.
I have a routine. I have a schedule. I have priorities.
And I just simply don’t have to let it in my life.
I have to have order, which needs to remain to achieve what I want.
Which is why I’m going to get into Legacy, and I’m going to resist him, and if I have to, use him to get in.
And then never think about him again. All I have to do is feed it a little bit. We both know what this is, and it’s nothing more. I am a passing fancy.
“Fine, but I want my cock down your throat after as a reward.”
“I have training after.”
He makes a face. “Training after rowing? On a Saturday? Criminal.”
“I told you I have a routine…wait don’t you already know?” I’ve arranged my life so carefully. He can’t possibly understand. Nothing is gonna get in the way. I’m not gonna allow anything to stop me.
“I don’t necessarily know what you do when you get places. Mostly.” He wraps a hand around his cock, stroking it between us. “I’m going to fit myself in your routine. Like it or not.”
I barely swallow back a groan. How does he get under my skin so easily?
It’s fine. He can keep doing this. I need him to believe this. I can feed his obsession and ride it out. So what if I indulge him a little bit? That’s what any smart person would do. This is the smart move.
“I won’t bend for you.”
“Yes, you will.” He leans in, rubbing the tip of his leaking cock over my stomach. “I’ll bend you over every fucking surface, and you’ll like it.”
My breath catches because I think he’s right. No distractions.
“I need to get dressed.”
We row, and he leaves me to go train with my swords master.
I finish and just get through speaking to my instructor when my phone rings. I fish it out of my bag and see my father’s name on the screen.
“Hello.”
“Hello. How are things?” He doesn’t need to ask. I know what he wants.
“Going as planned.”
“Excellent. Moving forward?” My father is careful with his wording.
I’ve told him I got into the second pass. So I’m sure he just wants an update on the puzzle. “I’m working through the process. I can handle it.”
“Obviously outside help is prohibited, but if you need me to find anything—”
“I can handle it. I handled the first one myself. This one will be no different. I’m not worried.” It’s not exactly the truth, but there is only one way to deal with my father’s pushy behavior.
“I know you can. I’m merely offering in case you get stuck.”
A part of me wants to do it completely without him, so he sees I can stand on my own. “I’m okay. Is that all? I can call you when I finish the puzzle to fully update—”
He cuts me off. “No, there’s one more thing.”
“What?” My heart suddenly beats against my rib cage, worried he has some bad news or a setback.
“Your godfather wants to see you. He’s going to make the trip up to visit.”
“Sure, fine. Have him send me the details. I’ll figure it out some time while also working through the puzzle and my schoolwork.” Not like I can say no. He’d have my arse.
“I’ll tell him.”
“Okay.”
“Astor?”
“Yes?”
“You’re doing good. Your brother will make it all up to you one day.”
“I know.” I hang up the phone because I’ve nothing else to say.
I’m not doing it for him to make it up to me.
I love him so there’s no other choice.
I return to my room, needing to shower, but I’m on edge and can’t settle.
I don’t know when my godfather will come visit, and I’m sure this is a test of some sort.
I don’t know what he or my father is looking for, but it means I need to be prepared.
Which means more to think about than just the stupid puzzle.
And then, on top of it all, I’m back to episodes of sleep paralysis.
I thought moving had changed my environment enough to get it to stop.
But it seems to only have been a short reprieve.
I’m just glad Rurik didn’t notice and I came out of it quickly when he spoke to me.
I can’t imagine having to explain it to him, and I don’t need him to see me weak.
It will only hurt my chances of getting into Legacy.
I undo the buttons on my soft armor and turn, nearly jumping out of my skin. Rurik is sitting in my chair and eating like he belongs here.
“What are you doing?”
“I was hungry after rowing.” He spins around in a slow circle.
“Is that a pint of tomatoes?” What an odd choice for breakfast.
“Yes!”
“For breakfast?”
"I love little tomatoes because they explode in my mouth just like you.” He pops one between his lips and winks.
“I beg you never to say that to me again.”
“I can’t be making those kinds of promises.”
I turn and stare at him with my hands on my hips. “Don’t you have things to do?”
He cocks his head, considering my question. “Not that I can think of, and if I did, it wouldn’t be for hours. I only get up this early for you, baby.”
“What do you usually do after rowing?” I assume he has some sort of life.
“That’s a trick question. I plead the fifth.”
“What?” Then their dumb American law registers. I know the fifth is something about not self-incriminating. But what would he be incriminating himself for? “This isn’t a court. What are you even going on about?”
“You probably won’t like it, so I’m just going to not say.”
I narrow my eyes. “Do you stalk me after we row?”
He grins and eats another tomato. “No one is awake at this ungodly hour. So you get me to yourself because what else am I going to do?”
“Stalking me is not getting me to yourself.”
“Tomato potato.” He leans back and pops another tomato into his mouth. “What’s next for the routine?”
“I have to shower.” I gather my clothes because I won’t let him disrupt my day any more.
“Now that’s an activity I can get on board with.”
“You can’t shower with me. Someone will hear us.”
“You have your own bathroom.” He waves at the ensuite.
“Yes, and it shares a wall with my cousin’s.”
“I’ll be real quiet, I promise.” He backs me towards it before I finish collecting my clothes.
“Rurik.”
“You’re making me hard, so this is your fault.” He pins me to the sink.
“Not on purpose.” I protest as he slides his hands under my shirt.
“I’ve told you what saying my name does to me. It’s on you.” He drags my shirt and sweater off.
I glare because I truly don’t mean to.
“You haven’t let me see you fully naked yet, and I fucking need to, baby.” He dips his head to trail bites across my chest while shoving down my pants.
“You’ve seen most of me.” Heat spreads down my chest, and my cock stirs…fuck no, this motherfucker is not making me hard again. This cannot be my reaction to this infuriating mother fucker.
“Not together. And not wet.” He trails his mouth over my jaw.
Against my will, he feels good. I like it. I don’t want to like it. My heart picks up speed. “Rurik.”
“Yes, sweetheart.” The word both hits me in the heart and punctures it.
“I need to work on the puzzle.” My head falls back while his mouth sucks on my neck. “I’ve already wasted one day.”
“You’d be much better off spending the day in bed and letting me suck you off again while you read the cipher.”
“That’s what you said yesterday and look where it got me.”
“I think yesterday was quite productive.”
“I barely looked at the cipher.”
“But you sucked my cock and liked it. Progress. So I think a round two is in order.”
I fist a hand in his hair, willing myself to make him stop. But I can’t, and I’m not sure if that’s because I don’t want to or physically can’t. “I can’t do that.”
I know myself that well, at least, and more so, it’s a weekend.
Viv and Finn will come looking for me. How could I possibly explain my door locked or the very person she warned me about in my bed?
I’d never be able to, and they’d never approve.
While they might have their own beliefs and views—I’ve never asked—they know as long as our parents are alive, none of this would be allowed.
Even as a college indulgence. It’s not done and would only make my return worse, or expedite it.
I finally have some limited freedom, and I don’t want to give it up.
“You can.” He pushes his hands under my shirt, igniting the path his fingers trail.
“I have other responsibilities. I can’t just disappear all day. They’ll notice.” I tug his face back to mine. “My cousin will know the minute I don’t come down for breakfast. She’ll think I died.” I laugh because no truer words have been spoken.
“Then let me shower with you.” He parts my lips with his, and I give over to the kiss. Most of the fight goes out of me because he feels too good. “I need to be inside you, baby.”
“Rurik,” I warn, and grab any part of him I can, at war between memories, pleasure, and panic.
“I want you to say my name just like that the first time I push inside you.” He drops his hands to my arse.
I shake my head, only half breaking the kiss. “I can’t.”
He hauls me up by my arse, guiding my legs around him.
I slide one hand up his neck while the other grips his shirt, but I keep kissing him, even though I know I need to stop him.
I don’t know why I keep kissing him. I don’t know what my fucking problem is.
Why am I like this? Why do I even want him?
I can’t.
I don’t.
I squeeze his throat, body panicking before my brain can catch up.
“Yes, baby. Choke me. Take all your frustration out on me. I want to be that for you.”
Why is that so fucked and twisted, but also strangely hot? I hate him more for making me this confused.
I tighten my grip, digging my fingers into the sides of his neck. He moans, rocking his very hard cock against my ass.
My vision narrows, and I’m not even the one being choked.
This is why I can’t do this. I’m not allowed to have it. It’s too far outside my control.
He may be bigger than I am by a sizable measure, but I am highly trained, and he’s not expecting it. I get my feet on the ground and turn us, then use his weight to my advantage to send him stumbling out of the bathroom.
I slam the door and lock it, pressing my back to it and breathing hard.
“I’ll wait as long as it takes to deflower you, my baby boy,” he whispers through the door, and part of me believes he will.