33. Rurik
THIRTY-THREE
RURIK
He doesn’t move when I step into his room. It’s almost like he’s in a trance.
“Ash?” I touch his shoulder, trying not to scare him.
He blinks and turns towards me. “You’re back?”
He looks so fucking out of it. I don’t like this at all.
“I texted you and told you I was on my way…” I put my hand on the side of his neck. He’s clammy but doesn’t feel warm.
He looks at me for a long moment. “I must not have heard my phone.”
“What’s wrong, baby?” I crouch down in front of him, cupping his face. “Did something happen?”
He shakes his head, but he won’t meet my gaze.
“Ash.” I rub my thumbs over his cheeks.
He recoils.
What the fuck? Now I know something happened. It takes all my control to keep my voice even and not flip out.
“Please talk to me.”
“Bad dreams.” He puts on a fucking fake ass smile. “I’ll be fine when it wears off.”
My soul cracks at the pain radiating from him. “You don’t mean dream do you?”
“No.” His word is hollow.
My heart aches knowing this is my fault. “How long have you been awake?”
He shrugs and shakes his head. “Let’s go to the river.”
“It’s an hour at least before you normally go.”
Ash looks at me for the first time. Dried tears stain his cheeks. “I can’t be in this room any longer.”
I stand, pulling him to his feet, wrapping my arms around his middle. He leans into me, shaking through a silent sob, and I feel so fucking helpless. I need to take it all away.
It doesn’t get better. Ash remains out of it and distant all day, and I won’t leave him alone like that. Not fucking like this. So I spend the day with him. Only he doesn’t fully know.
At first, it was only going to be one class, but I can’t stop.
I ditch all of mine, making sure he gets to each of his.
I’ve followed him before, but only a few hours at a time.
Never to this extent. He drifts through the motions like he’s barely alive.
I feel more and more guilty by the minute.
If I had been here, I could have stopped the fucking demon before it did this to him.
He’s pulling away. He was briefly open before I left, but I see him shutting down internally.
Even Viv notices something is up.
She asks me silently at dinner, pointing to him before holding her hand palm up.
I shrug, shaking my head. I can’t tell her and I don’t fucking know what to do. I hate not fucking knowing how to help him.
She frowns.
“Come fucking on. Please tell me what’s going on with you,” I ask after dinner, when we are finally alone.
“It’s nothing. Just a bad night. I’m out of it and tired. It will be better now that you’re here.”
“I will beg you on my fucking knees if I have to. Please, just talk to me.” I drop down in front of him, taking his hands in mine to show him I’m serious.
“There’s nothing more to tell you, and I didn’t sleep much.” Ash puts on another hollow smile.
Rage fills my chest. I shouldn’t need to kill a hallucination so badly, but I cannot halt the drive.
“What else happened while I was gone? You seem really off.” I try to sound calm, cool, and collected, but it’s fucking impossible.
“There’s just a lot on my mind. I spoke with my father and godfather yesterday, and he reminded me of my commitments.”
I don’t fucking like the sound of that. “What commitments?”
He frowns before answering. “To my brother.”
“And you’re doing it? Not like you can jump the line into Legacy and then you still have years of training.” I don’t fucking like his father, and that might be because I have trauma with my own, but he has to know what he’s doing to his kid.
“He’s worried my uncle is growing more ill and we might be running out of time to better secure my brother’s title.” He finishes in a hurry, like he has more to say but is unsure of himself.
“And? What does he think you could be doing?” I force out through my teeth.
He shakes his head. “I don’t know.”
I don’t fully believe him. But what the fuck would he not be telling me?
I need to do something. I can’t let him get worse. I’m not the type of fucking person who can just sit by and let things happen. Especially not when it comes to Ash.
“Come sleep at my place tonight?”
Ash opens his mouth and tilts his head, but no sound comes out.
“Stunned?” I search for any sort of reaction.
“A little, yes. You’ve never invited me into your space before,” he says meekly.
“Before, no one really knew, and I didn’t want to fuck up your chance of getting into Legacy.
Now they all know because someone told Locke.
So fuck it. You can meet my brothers and my best friend…
” I’m getting ahead of myself. I don’t even know who will be home.
“We can still keep your schedule. I can drive you to rowing in the morning.”
I need this. I think he does too.
He chews his cheek. “What about my bodyguards?”
I almost have him, but I’ve got to play it cool. “Tell them you’re not going to row in the morning and then you can lock your door. You’ll be back for your fencing lesson in the morning, and they’ll be none the wiser…”
He considers it, and then hope blossoms in my chest. “Okay.”
I crash into him, smiling so fucking wide as I cover his cute fucking face in kisses.
I drag him to the Jesko, which has been basically neglected out front, gathering dust. I really need to drive her more.
It’s a quick trip off campus to the house we share.
It’s large, with plenty of room for all of us, as well as Kingston and Kiho.
We even have space for Lyra when she starts next year.
Not that I think she’ll want to live with five dudes, but the option is there.
I feel bad for her no matter where she ends up.
Three older brothers, all of whom are on the psycho-spicy spectrum, and then King and Kiho who are basically brothers too.
I pull into the driveway, and suddenly there is a rumbling in my stomach. I cannot tell what this feeling is. My hands go to my chest, gripping it to make it stop feeling like something could fly out of it.
“What’s wrong?” Ash asks when I don’t get out.
“I’m feeling something, and I can’t figure out what.” I dig my fingertips between my ribs, hoping the pain replaces the buzzing.
He turns towards me, concern showing on his face. “What are you feeling?”
“My stomach is all funny. Like someone shook me like a snow globe.”
He blinks then starts laughing.
“I didn’t realize I was being funny. I could be dying!”
Ash grabs the back of my head, pulling me in for a kiss. “Are you nervous for me to meet your siblings?”
“Nervous? No! I’ve never been nervous about anything in my life. I don’t even think I can feel that.” I bite his lip then kiss him harder, nearly pulling him into my lap.
“It sounds like butterflies in your stomach.” He’s still holding back a laugh.
“Preposterous! Maybe I gave myself a stomach ache with forbidden marshmallows.” I side-eye him.
Ash shudders and gags. “There’s something seriously wrong with you.”
“I already disclosed I was a psychopath.”
He shoves me and gets out of the car. I follow him despite my chest getting a little tight and decide that if Locke acts up, I’ll just kill him to make myself feel better. This is his fault.
I slip my hand in Ash’s before walking inside.
I need to rip the band aid off so I take him right to Nik’s room.
I almost went to Kiho first, but it didn’t feel right.
I know he’s already met them briefly at the event, but I have to properly introduce Ash to my other half. I need them to like each other.
“Nik.” I stick my head around his partly closed door.
“Why are you being weird?” Nik looks up from his book.
I push the door open, dragging Ash into view. “I want you to meet my boyfriend.”
“Boyfriend?” Ash asks.
“Yes.”
He gives me a look I ignore.
“Ash, I know you already kinda met, but to formally introduce you, this is my twin, Nik.”
Ash releases my hand to offer it to Nik. “It’s nice to formally meet you.”
Nik puts his book aside and stands to take his hand. “It’s great to meet you under better circumstances. Rurik has told me all about you.”
Ash side-eyes me, which I also ignore. “He has?”
“Yes. He speaks about you a lot.” Nik gestures at the other sofa in the little sitting area of his room. “Please sit. Can I get you something to drink? Water, Coke?”
I’m grinning so wide my cheeks hurt. Nik is a huge introvert so him making an effort to talk to Ash makes my chest feel full. It feels like my heart grew three sizes, like I’m the fucking Grinch. So many new feelings this afternoon. I’m going to have to fuck about it to calm myself down.
“No, thank you.” Ash takes the seat, and I sit next to him, putting my arm around him. He once again shoots me a look, and I blissfully ignore it. Too happy for judgment. Too happy to let anything touch this.
We chat for a while before Nik asks, “What are you studying?”
“International relations.”
“Oh, that’s interesting. Did you know that, Rurik?”
“I did,” I say, before realizing the implication.
Ash turns to look at me. “I’ve never told you.”
“I’ve followed you to classes before, baby…”
“How would my classes tell you my major?” He narrows his eyes.
Nik covers his mouth to hide a laugh.
“Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.”
“Ru.” Ash’s tone is playful.
I kiss his cheek. “I had my cousin pull your school file after the first event. Sue me.”
“You’re not beating the stalking allegations.” Ash rolls his eyes.
“Was I trying to beat them?” I glance around.
“Maybe don’t tell people you used to stalk me. Not a great way to start a relationship.” Ash sounds judgmental but he’s smiling so he clearly likes it.
“Used to…”
Ash ignores me. “Is he like this with everyone?”
“No.” Nik shakes his head, glancing between us. “I’ve never seen him like this with anyone. Actually, he’s never brought anyone home. Ever.”
Ash turns to look at me again.
“Thanks, asshole.” I make a rude gesture at my brother.
“Is that true?” Ash asks.
“Yes. And?” I refuse to look at him. I’ve already exceeded my max new feelings today. I can’t be getting mushy.