39. Violette
VIOLETTE
Afamiliar chill envelops me. I very rarely allow myself to venture to the sea in my waking life. Yet no matter how I try to deny myself, in my dreams, I always end up here.
Wingless and in mer form.
As my consciousness settles into this place, I recognize Somnus’s magic.
Sitting up, I find him hovering across the underwater cavern.
His tail is long, thick, sleek, and midnight-blue, faintly glinting as if with distant stars.
Whether he’d be able to create one in real life, or he just conjures it to meet me in my dreams, I’m not sure.
My fingers drift along the gills at my neck as my eyes travel the walls decorated in baubles, oddities, jewels, and everything the sea gifts me. If only it were real.
No matter how I try to resist, my eyes fall to where my legs once were, now replaced with a long, thick, frilly, and shimmering tail of darkest purple, shimmering lilac, and hints of blues and greens.
“You have such a beautiful tail. I’ll never understand why you let anyone stand in the way of enjoying it.”
The words aren’t spoken, but projected through the aether, into my mind, clear as a bell. And despite my breasts being fully exposed, Somnus’s eyes never waver from my face.
The emotion this place always conjures makes my words sharp with annoyance.
“Are you so desensitized that no matter how traumatic the memory, you remain unfazed?”
“Desensitized? No. Healed, yes…” His tail gives an agitated flick. “Mostly…”
A beat of silence passes between us as Somnus’s lips tilt in a smirk.
“I’m happy for you, Raia. Truly.”
A stab of pain lances through my chest at the name and the myriad of memories it dredges up. “Please don’t call me that.”
The smirk on Somnus’s face wilts.
“Have you spoken with him?”
“A little, yes.”
“And?”
“He’s been through a lot. Is capable of cruelty, but has an even greater capacity for love. Like you.”
My heart pinches, too afraid to hope.
“If only you’d get out of your own way... Stop burying all of?—”
The mere mention of what I’ve buried has me ready to burst out of my skin. My tail propels me towards the exit. “Somnus, we’ve been through this.”
Somnus remains in the cavern’s entrance as I rush into the cold, dark sea beyond. The growing distance between us does nothing to quiet his voice in my mind.
“Killing your father won’t change anything, Violette.”
I come to an abrupt halt. I want to rage as much as I want to flee.
Rage wins, as per usual.
I turn, torpedoing back to where he waits by the cavern. The male is nearly twice my size, and power radiates from him with such an intensity I can feel it vibrating into the very molecules of my being, but it does nothing to tame the anger bubbling at the surface of my emotions.
“I made a vow?—”
He arches a brow. “But not to your own detriment; worded carefully enough that you could break it.”
The words tear from my throat, piercing the waters around us.
“I don’t want to break it!”
Somnus’s face remains impassive as ever. It makes me hold my temper. My mother would be ashamed if she saw me behaving in such an unrestrained manner. She’d warn me that no male will accept such an untamed female.
I don’t want to be tame. I want to be free. Free of this pain, this grief, this disappointment and heartbreak. Free from the burdens of this world.
The only sound is the deep, ethereal hum of the sea’s currents. My gaze drifts to the increasingly dark depths in the distance.
Every time I come here, I long to go there.
To just disappear.
Let whatever lies beyond end this suffering.
As if sensing my train of thought, Somnus shakes his head, sadness lining every feature of his expression. “Suffering is life’s greatest teacher. All you have to do is learn its lesson, and the pain will stop.”
My hands tremble from the weight of my emotions.
“And what lesson is that, Somnus?”
He pauses for a moment, studying my features, already knowing that whatever illuminating answer he manages to conjure, it won’t change my mind.
“To let go, Violette.”
I huff a gillful of water, grinding my teeth together.
“Let what go of what, Somnus? My vow? My life’s purpose?
Because what fucking purpose have I served beyond slaking the thirst of males who desire little more than to defile my body?
Who are blind to the soul residing within it?
A soul that not even my father deemed worthy of cherishing.
Or is it to stand in an empty storefront because no one trusts a syrith or brothel whore to play matchmaker? ”
Somnus swims closer, and I know he’s about to try to hug me. Console me. And I swear to fuck if he does, I’m going to jump out of my fucking skin because I am fucking exhausted of being so weak and driven to tears at the drop of a fucking coin.
Ever the mind reader, no matter how he protests he isn’t, Somnus stills, leaving two blessed feet of space between us, as he sighs in defeat.
“Violette… you have given all your power to others by allowing them, despite all their fallibilities, to dictate your worthiness. And because of it, you are consumed by a hatred and resentment that has blinded you to all the beauty of your soul—to just how worthy you truly are.”
The lump in my throat refuses to go away, no matter how many times I try to swallow it down.
“Do you not see how worthy of love you are?”
Somnus’s eyes search mine, desperate to find some sign of acceptance.
“Let go of all this hatred and resentment. Out of everyone involved, you’re the only one holding on to it.”
Quieting my voice, my emotions, I speak aloud, needing to hear the words myself. To reaffirm them.
“I want him to die. He destroyed more than half the continent in a war. Raped and pillaged countless cities. Manipulates all those who know him. How many other bastard children has he abandoned? He betrayed my mother. He betrayed?—”
My words stop short, my body and mind unwilling to admit just how much this Akash-forsaken god of the sea has affected me.
“He betrayed you,” Somnus finishes for me. Unwilling to let me bury the admission, like I do everything else. “It’s okay to be angry. You deserved better. But you’re allowing a male, who will never choose you, to destroy your peace. Your happiness. Your life.”
I shake my head.
“A male like that doesn’t deserve to live.”
“Perhaps not, but allowing all of this hatred to fester is like drinking the poison intended for your enemy. All you’re doing is killing yourself.”
My eyes burn with tears that feed the sea.
“I want to wake up now.”