22. Cohen
Cohen
Losing in game four of the ALDS stung, especially after winning the World Series last year. But I wasn’t blindsided by it. With Walker’s retirement, we were in a rebuilding phase with our pitching staff. You didn’t replace an arm like his overnight. We’d get there again. We always did.
Baseball had taught me a long time ago that you couldn’t live in the loss. You took it, you learned from it, and you moved on. Dwelling didn’t change the scoreboard. All you could do was adjust and focus on the next game, the next series, the next season.
If only everything in life worked that cleanly.
It was the day before Thanksgiving, and the team’s weight room was relatively empty aside from me, Drake, Beckham, and Hudson. I was reluctantly becoming accustomed to Hudson being a permanent fixture in our group.
I was spotting Drake on the bench press when I overheard Ava’s name come out of Hudson’s mouth. Per usual. My grip tightened on the bar. Also, per usual.
Drake noticed immediately and shoved it back into the rack before sitting up to face me. “Jordan,” he said evenly. “What’s going on? I’m tired of you acting like you’re fine when I can see you’re not.”
The night at the club played on repeat in my head. Hands and lips on me, that I didn’t want. A body pressed against mine that didn’t feel right.
Did I leave with Kate that night?
Yeah.
Did I take her back to my place?
Fuck no.
I told her I was tired and not in the right headspace before I sent her on her way.
It wasn’t lost on me that I’d taken a page out of Walker’s book—pulling a stunt just to make someone jealous.
It had worked for him. And I needed something—anything—to dull the sting of seeing another man’s hands and mouth on Ava.
I brought my attention back to Drake. “It’s nothing.” I walked toward the free weights, needing to do something with my hands. Drake followed.
“Cut the shit,” he pressed.
I blew out a heavy sigh. "I thought I heard Hudson say Ava's name…" I trailed off.
Drake nodded, knowingly. "And it bothers you. It bothers you that he took her out," he said, matter of fact.
I froze. My heart sank, my stomach churned. "They went out?" I hadn't realized they were actually going out on dates now. She hadn’t said anything to me. But after the club our relationship had gotten complicated…again.
Drake picked up a weight. "Yeah, man. I thought you knew?"
I shook my head.
He leveled me with a stare. "Why don't you just tell her how you feel? I don't think this Hudson shit is serious, and neither does Aria. She thinks it's just a distraction."
I glanced over at him. "A distraction from what?"
He gestured toward me. "From you, idiot."
I scoffed. "I don't believe that. She looked awfully cozy with Fuller that night at the club… and now they're going out on dates. I think she's made her choice."
Drake rolled his eyes. “Because you left with that girl, you dumbshit. Not to mention you went on a date with that Evelyn chick before that.” He let out a small laugh, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe it.
“How the hell is she supposed to take you seriously after that, Jordan?” He continued, “And that’s the real fucking question, isn’t it?
Do you even act like someone worth taking seriously?
Because you sure as hell get pissed off for a guy who claims he doesn’t want to be attached.
” He shoved a weight into my chest. "You two need to figure your shit out, because in the end the only one truly affected by all of this is Ellie.
You think you're protecting her by doing whatever the hell you two think you're doing, but you're not.
Instead, you're making each other jealous, playing games, and refusing to admit the truth.
" He paused, eyes locked on mine. "She doesn’t think anyone chooses her,” he said flatly. “And you refuse to choose anyone.”
He stalked off toward the locker room.
Shit. Was he right?
Or had I just gotten so good at calling it protection that I didn’t recognize it as fear anymore?
After I finished my workout, I was grabbing my bag from the locker room when Hudson came in.
Great.
I focused my attention on packing my bag, but I could feel him looking at me. I glanced up. "Can I help you with something?" It came out harsh, but after the lecture from Drake, I wasn't in the mood.
Hudson held his hands up in defense. "Nope. Just grabbing my stuff and heading out."
I straightened, resting my hands on my hips. "Are you and Ava a thing now or what? I feel like I have the right to know, since she is the mother of my daughter, and I assume you will be spending time around Ellie now."
Smooth, Cohen.
He looked at me a moment and then shook his head with a quiet laugh as he glanced down, stuffing a towel into his bag. "Calm down, Jordan." He pulled the strap of his bag over his shoulder. "She kicked my ass to the curb."
I was silent, processing.
Hudson continued, "I may be new to the team, and I may not know either of you very well, but it’s pretty clear she’s hung up on you."
My stomach tightened. I had no idea whether that made me feel relieved… or terrified.
He continued, "And I can't help but have a sneaking suspicion, based on the way you act towards me, that you feel the same way."
I ran a hand along my jaw and sighed. "Listen. I'm sorry I've been sort of a dick towards you. I’ve just got a lot going on."
Hudson laughed. "Apology accepted, and I don't blame you. You two have a complicated situation, and Ava is fantastic." He grabbed his water bottle off the bench. "Are you going to Tennessee for Thanksgiving?" he asked suddenly, changing the subject.
I shook my head. "Nah. My sister went to her best friend's house for the holiday. I'll just be here. Are you going home to North Carolina?"
He nodded. "Did Ava take Ellie to Primrose Hill?"
"Yeah," I answered, unsure of where this was going.
"I'm not going to pretend like I know the ins and outs of your situation, but… you should go to Primrose Hill, Jordan." He walked past me, giving my shoulder a quick squeeze before heading out of the locker room.
I stood in the empty locker room, the silence deafening, Hudson and Drake's words almost suffocating. I knew in that moment what I needed to do.
Not because Drake told me to.
Not because Hudson suggested it.
But because sitting here pretending I didn’t care felt worse than the risk of showing up.
I needed to go to Primrose Hill.
I spent the hour-long drive rehearsing what I was going to say to Ava when I suddenly ended up on her family's doorstep. Somehow, somewhere between Austin and those rolling hills, the decision had felt easy. But by the time I pulled onto her family’s gravel driveway, it felt like I was walking into a firing squad.
I wanted to tell her I couldn’t get her out of my fucking head.
That I hadn’t taken Kate home. That I’d been a jealous asshole.
That seeing another man’s hands on her had twisted something ugly and possessive inside me, something I didn’t even recognize.
I wanted to tell her I didn’t care about the risks, or the timing, or whatever excuse I’d been hiding behind.
I wanted her.
Not casually. Not conveniently.
I wanted all of her.
I wanted to figure out how to make this work because she was who I wanted.
And deep down, if I were being honest with myself, it had always been her. She looked at me like I wasn’t just Walker’s playboy best friend, but something more. Someone worth knowing.
I pulled up to the stately farmhouse tucked neatly into the hills, vineyards stretching wide behind it. The porch lights glowed warm against the early evening sky. I forced out a breath and dragged a hand down my face.
This was it.
I could do this.
Shit, I’m nervous.
I killed the engine and stepped out of the truck, boots crunching against gravel as I climbed the porch steps.
Laughter spilled through the door before I even knocked.
The kind of loud, layered chaos that only happens when a whole family is under one roof.
I raised my hand and knocked three times.
Heavy footsteps approached, and the door swung open.
Weston.
A slow smile spread across his face. “Hey, man. What are you doing here? Didn’t know you were coming.”
“Yeah,” I muttered, forcing a grin as we slapped hands and he pulled me into a hug. “Didn’t know I was either.”
That earned me a curious look, but Weston didn’t press. He never did. He just studied and assessed. Thank God we got along. Because if we didn’t, I’d be scared shitless of the guy.
He stepped aside to let me in. “Ava and Ellie are in the living room.”
I nodded and started in that direction, nerves tightening low in my gut.
But then she appeared.
Ava rounded the corner with Ellie balanced on her hip. My heart lodged somewhere in my throat. Her dark waves fell down her back. A cream sweater slipped off one shoulder. Those damn jeans hugged every curve like they’d been made for her. She looked warm. Comfortable and completely at home.
She was stunning.
The second she saw me, she froze. Her navy eyes widened. Ellie smiled and reached for me instantly. Ava’s brows knit together in confusion as she transferred Ellie into my arms. I pressed a kiss to my daughter’s forehead, breathing her in, grounding myself.
“What are you doing here?” Ava asked carefully. “I thought you had plans with Callie or something.”
I shook my head. “Nah. She went to a friend’s place for Thanksgiving…” I trailed off.
This was it.
Say it.
Tell her.
Her gaze held mine. Steady, searching… hopeful.
The words were right there. Sitting on my tongue, heavy and desperate.
The words were right fucking there.
I swallowed, shifting Ellie slightly in my arms as she tucked her face into my chest, her tiny hand fisted in my shirt. Ava didn’t look away. She was waiting, like she was giving me the space to say whatever I needed to say.
My pulse kicked harder.
I could do this.
I’d faced down ninth-inning pressure with a packed stadium on its feet. I’d stepped into the box knowing the entire game rested on one swing. This shouldn’t have felt harder than that. But it did, because this mattered more than anything else ever had.
My grip tightened slightly around Ellie as I forced myself to hold Ava’s gaze. “I—”
The word stuck.
My jaw flexed. I tried again.
“I came because—”
Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
Because seeing you with someone else makes me lose my goddamn mind.
Because I don’t want you with anyone else but me.
Because I want this.
I want you, I want us.
The truth crowded my throat, pushing up, demanding to be said—all I had to do was let it out. Ava’s expression softened, like she wanted this too. And for one fleeting second—I believed I could have it.
And then it hit.
Not a memory exactly, more like a flash. A sensation. That sharp, suffocating panic. The way Coach’s voice shifted when he called my name in the locker room after practice. The air thinning in my lungs before he even finished the sentence. The world going quiet.
My mother was gone.
Just like that.
One minute she existed. The next minute she didn’t.
There was that hollow drop in my stomach. That dizzying understanding that loving something didn’t mean you got to keep it. I couldn’t hand that kind of power to anyone, I couldn’t let something matter that much, and I definitely couldn’t survive that again.
I couldn’t do it.
"I wanted to be here for Ellie's first Thanksgiving." The words felt small the second they left my mouth.
I saw it. The hope in Ava's eyes vanished, the light dimmed. And it was fucking torture.
But I couldn't risk it. I needed to keep my circle small, contained, manageable. Because every time I let something matter, it was taken from me. My sister and Ellie were already more risk than I knew how to carry.
Ava gave me a tight nod. "Right."
"If that's okay?" I added, hating how unsure I suddenly sounded.
She forced a smile and turned toward the living room. “Of course.” She didn’t look back to see if I was following.
I stood there for half a second longer, Ellie warm and solid in my arms. I had driven all the way here to tell her she was who I wanted, who I chose.
And instead, I hid behind our daughter.
I was such a fucking coward.