Natalya
Present
As soon as I take off the helmet, I see him far ahead, kneeling on the ground.
Bloody mush is beneath him, six policemen scattered around with their guns pointed at him.
I scream, the loudest I can, trying to pull him out of the violent spiral even from far away, out of the blackout haze he’s fallen into, trying to force my voice through whatever darkness has swallowed him as though I can reach him under it.
Then he finally stops the violence, as if he is only now starting to become aware of his surroundings and what is happening around him.
The world in front of me falls apart.
One of the men steps closer behind him, pressing the gun to his neck.
I scream again, louder this time, until the veins on my neck bulge.
He got me out of my chaos. I have to help him get out of his as well.
He finally looks at me.
For a brief moment, I’m staring into absolutely empty eyes—eyes that belong to a bloodied monster, something feral and unrecognizable.
But the moment doesn’t last long. He comes back the second he sees me.
And even with all the proof of what he just did dripping from his hands, even with the mushed body beneath him, with the goreness of the scene I’m witnessing staining everything in front of me, all I really see is my Adrien.
I want to run to him. To save him. To take him away from all of them. To pull him out of this nightmare. To die next to him if that’s the only thing left for us.
Anything. I would take anything.
I scream louder, as if I could cast off all the pointed guns at him with the sheer force of my voice, as if the sound alone could shatter the moment and undo what is already happening. But I can’t. I can’t do anything.
When my breath runs out and I inhale to scream again, hands suddenly circle around my waist and shove me inside the car, locking me in before I can even fight back.
I scream some more, trying to endure the mental rupture tearing out of me like something alive ripping through my chest. My fingers dig into the leather seats beneath me, clawing at them as if it’s my own skin I could tear open and escape from.
Everyone around me is talking, shouting, panicking, voices overlapping and crashing into each other, but I can’t even understand their language anymore.
My brain has narrowed to one single image—him being taken away from me.
I don’t think I can survive losing him again. I can’t.
How cruel can life be to us?
Please don’t take him away again—I pray.
But to whom do I pray? I don’t believe in anything. Besides the force tying us together, no other divinity can make me a believer.
What the fuck was I thinking.
I didn’t mean it.
I didn’t mean the thing that came out of my stupid mouth.
It wasn’t my heart talking. It got silenced while the flicker of reason took over for a moment. But I usually ignore reason. I’m not a reasonable person. We were never reasonable. I never cared about reason before, and I definitely don’t want to start caring about it now.
Kiara sits beside me while Kasien drives like a maniac away from the place where my meaning was taken away from me again.
She keeps soothing me, whispering something steady, as if I’m having a crying session over a breakup instead of a complete psychotic collapse over losing my everything right in front of my own eyes.
“I didn’t mean it,” I choke out, my throat raw and burning. “I swear I didn’t mean what I said.”
“I think he knows,” Kiara replies quietly.
I fall silent, the words echoing inside my skull, finally realizing that this might actually be my fault. I hurt him. I drove him into this. I pushed him into this violent state. I broke his heart just hours ago, because I saw how far the unhinged monster inside him can go.
And now?
I would do worse.
I would commit the worst crimes imaginable and wouldn’t feel a single ounce of regret for them. I would drive a knife through a monk’s heart without hesitation if that was the price of getting him back.
My head falls backwards, hitting the headrest of the backseat, while my vision blurs over and over with unstoppable tears pouring out of me and pooling on my lips.
The chaos is taking over me. I need to fight it this time. I can’t let it take over anymore. I can’t lose the sense of time and space, not now, not when I need to pull all the scraps of clarity in my head together and come up with a solution to get him back.
I force my eyes open and try to pin down something unmoving. But the car is violently swooshing through space and I can’t focus on anything.
I turn to Kiara. She takes one of my cheeks into her hand. I latch onto her eyes, on the sweetness of the hazelnut there.
“I didn’t mean it,” I repeat desperately, as if she could somehow make sure he gets the message.
She nods, stroking my cheek and catching the tears before they can run down my jaw. “He knows that, I swear.”
She looks utterly certain of her own words.
Behind her, the world outside the window dissolves into streaks of color and light as the car speeds forward, the scenery turning into blurred lines I can’t hold onto. Nothing feels solid anymore.
The chaos is pulling me under again, dragging me away from myself, and he’s the only one who can stop it.
“Kiara,” I grit out, sinking my fingers into her thigh. “I have to do something.”
“We’re gonna do something,” she assures me immediately.
“I can’t—” I choke out, panic rising so fast it almost cuts the words off before they leave my throat.
I press my fist to my chest, rubbing it there, trying to gesture to my heart. Her gaze flickers down to my chest and then back to my eyes before she whispers softly, “I know.”
“I can’t breathe without him.”
My fingers dig into the skin above my cleavage, clawing there with the irrational thought that if I could somehow reach inside, rip my heart out and squeeze it hard enough, the ache might finally stop.
As the car keeps moving, taking us further and further away from that place, all I can feel is the invisible link between me and him stretching thinner and thinner, as if it might snap completely if we drive any farther.
“Stop the car,” I bark to my brother, but he just shakes his head.
“STOP!” I shout so loudly the force of it kicks the air straight out of my lungs.
The car jerks violently to a halt somewhere along a dirt road. Kasien steps out as if he was suffocating here until now. Me and Kiara follow him instantly.
I find him pacing in tight circles, both hands tangled in his hair as he grips his head like he’s trying to hold it together. I step toward him and shove him hard.
“How could you let this happen!” I yell, pushing him again. “Why didn’t you help him!”
He takes another hit from me. “How could you leave him!”
Only then do I actually look at him and realize he’s just as broken as I am.
“And how would I get him out when I’d be locked up with him?” he fires back. “I was following him, but then the police came and I had to think—then you and Kiara came out of nowhere!”
He’s blurting everything out with force, trying to sound furious.
But he could never truly be angry with me. Not once in our entire lives. He might try with his voice, yes, but his eyes would never be anything else than soft and loving for me.
I fall silent.
Then I step into him, collapsing into his space, and his arms instantly wrap around me as he pulls me into the tightest hug.
For the smallest second, the terror drains out of my body and it relaxes, as if remembering the place it has always been safe.
I hug him back, tightening my hold even more. Silent tears begin pouring out of me again, everything inside suddenly feeling safe enough to stop holding itself together.
“I’ll get him back to you,” he murmurs into my hair. “I promise.”
I barely nod, the movement muffled against his shoulder.
“I’m so sorry,” he mutters with a broken voice, then sinks his face deeper into my hair as if he’s trying to hide there. I can feel him breaking. “I’m so sorry for everything. I failed you so much.”
And even though I have about a thousand reasons to hate him, there is something deeply painful about feeling my big brother—my hero, my first protector since the moment I took my very first breath—falling apart in my arms.
I tighten the hug, instinctively trying to hold him together, and we stay like that for a moment, clinging to each other as if we’re trying to make up for all the years we spent without this kind of contact.
I can feel his chest moving unevenly against mine, his breath coming out ragged.
I can’t stand seeing him hurt.
Not him.
I slowly pull away, just enough to break the tight proximity and look up at him.
He looks so much older.
His eyes are still glazed over with emotion, but those are the only things that stayed the same. Everything else about him looks roughened and worn down by years of hurt.
I realize the chaos is gone and I’m standing with both feet on the ground. Stable and not breaking.
My mouth cracks into a small, sad smile, the dried tears on my face pulling at my skin faintly.
His brows loosen, the tight tension in his face easing as he waits for whatever comes out of my mouth.
“I love you,” I say firmly. “You could never fail me.”
The corners of his mouth lift into a smile, still a little broken.
“Fuck, I love you too,” he mutters before pulling me into another tight hug.
“I know,” I say, patting his back before pulling away again. “Then put yourself together and help me get my boyfriend out of jail,” I croak, wiping my tears away.
He scoffs and steps back, dragging both hands over his face like he’s suddenly remembering the minor inconvenience of a murder arrest that happened a few minutes ago.
“Okay,” he says finally, visibly switching back into thinking mode. “We need to go back to the manor. I need to think. And I need my tech.”
“Get me back to my bike first,” I say weakly, trying to pull myself together.
“What the hell do you mean by yours?” Kasien’s brows shoot up in terror.
I cross my arms and tilt my head. “It’s mine now,” I say simply.
“No, it isn’t.”
“Yes, it is. He gave it to me.”