Chapter Ten
Ten
Some memories are full-sensory experiences.
In the seventh grade, I was hit in the face with a dodgeball during gym class.
I still remembered the red laces in my friend Syd’s sneakers when she threw the ball.
I’d been distracted for a split second by those laces and had missed the trajectory the ball was taking.
I remembered Toby’s and Nina’s shouts of alarm from their spots near me, inside the circle.
The split-second look of horror on Syd’s face when she realized too late where the ball was going to hit.
The smell of rubber and heat from the red ball, and the hollow thonking sound of it hitting my face.
It had knocked me flat on my ass, giving me a bruise that lasted for two weeks.
My nose had swelled up, and the whole thing had gotten me out of gym for the next month.
As memories went, it was intense. Yet despite all that, I couldn’t remember the exact moment of impact, how it felt when the ball actually hit my face.
But I swear, I remembered the way it felt when Alexander Wright kissed me.
He’d kissed me in all sorts of ways back then. Quick kisses in stolen moments between sets behind stages. Longer, more lingering kisses during nights out with him when I’d told Mom I was spending the night at Nina’s house.
This kiss, in the waning minutes of Sunday afternoon at the renaissance faire, was new.
He kissed me hard, like he was getting away with something.
He kissed me thoroughly, as though he might never get the chance again and needed to make this one count.
For a few desperate moments I couldn’t participate.
All I could do was hang on and try to survive while his mouth on mine made my whole world change.
No, this kiss was like nothing I had ever experienced. It was better.
Alex pulled me into him, one hand splayed across my back to anchor me while the hand that cradled my cheek slid into my hair.
I felt the rose dislodge and tumble away and I couldn’t bring myself to care about it, or about the damage he was doing to my hairstyle.
His kiss was a reclaiming, almost daring me to pull away.
And I should have, shouldn’t I? I shouldn’t want this.
But I did. I really, really did.
After somewhere between a moment and an eternity his mouth gentled against mine as he realized I wasn’t pulling away.
He smelled like summer sun and warm skin and leather, and he tasted like the salt of sweat.
His teeth nipped my bottom lip once, twice, the tip of his tongue following immediately after.
It was a request, and I granted it, letting him in.
He sank into me and I all but sagged against him, wishing for a convenient wall to be pressed against. I let my hands slide up to the back of his neck, his skin hot under my palms, lost in this swirl of reliving old memories and creating new ones.
The feel of him was like coming home, after so long away.
This was Alex, my mind screamed. When his mouth found my neck and my eyes slid closed I was a teenager again, being kissed by someone who wanted me to know what being loved felt like.
My fingers combed through the sweat-damp hair at the nape of his neck, and he shivered when my nails lightly scratched at his skin.
That shiver awoke something primal in me: pride, satisfaction.
Kissing Alex, being kissed by Alex, being in his arms again was overwhelming, it was overpowering.
All of my senses were filled with him, making me dizzy, making me swoon. It was everything. It was too much.
“God.” He pulled his mouth away, pressing his forehead to mine.
His hand gripped the back of my neck as we breathed each other’s air.
“God, Cait. You feel just like I remember…” He pressed forward for another kiss, long, slow, lingering.
“Taste just like I remember. The sweetest girl I ever kissed.”
“I…” I wanted to speak, but when I blinked I saw stars, and not the good kind. White stars, crowding the edges of my vision, pressing inward, obscuring everything. “I think I’m gonna pass out.”
Before I’d even finished gasping out the words Alex tugged on my arm and I stumbled after him as he pulled me to an empty stage, sitting me down on an audience bench.
I bent as far forward as I could, not quite able to get my head between my knees in this outfit, while Alex ran a hand in gentle strokes up and down my arm.
“Breathe,” he said. “Slow breaths.” I followed his lead, in through my nose and out through my mouth, as the stars slowly dissipated. I blinked my eyes open slowly, focusing on the only thing I could: Alex on his knees in front of me, his hand warm on my skin.
“I can’t believe this.” Had I really almost fainted while being kissed?
This was a new low. I stared hard at the ground in front of me while my brain struggled to come back online.
The hem of my dress was dirty. Thank God the weekend was over and I could get this dress cleaned.
The toes of my black slippers barely peeked out from under the skirts.
Black didn’t really go with this dress’s color, but they were the only shoes I had that were close to period appropriate.
I really should get something better. Did the leather worker sell shoes?
Wow, my mind really wandered when deprived of oxygen. I took as deep a breath as I could and brought my brain back on topic. “I’m sure this is the sexiest time you’ve ever had.”
“You kidding me?” He was still rubbing my arm in long strokes, up and down, the rhythm hypnotic. “I kissed a woman and made her swoon. This is the best day of my life.”
A shaky laugh burst from my chest, and after a couple more breaths I was able to raise my head. Alex was still right there, kneeling in the dirt at my feet. He’d sounded so jovial and carefree, but his brow was creased with concern.
“You okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Sorry. I don’t know what that was.”
“Memory,” he said. “Believe me, I was close to passing out myself.”
My laugh this time was less shaky, and his eyes all but sparkled as I leaned in, catching his mouth in another kiss. He smiled against my mouth before falling slowly back to sit on his heels. “See?” He looped a stray curl of my hair around my ear. “Like I said. Sweetest girl I’ve ever kissed.”
“I’m not a girl,” I said. Because that had been part of the problem, hadn’t it? My youth.
His eyes darkened, and I caught my breath. “Believe me,” he said, “I’m aware.” He stood then, unfolding his legs from the ground in a way that defied physics. “I’m also aware that we’re out in public, and your stepdad owns a very, very large sword.”
“Not my stepdad,” I corrected, “and he’d have to catch you first. He’s moving kind of slow these days.”
He snorted at that, extending a hand to help me up. The grounds had gone quiet; the day was well and truly over, and I’d been here kissing Alex when I should have been with Stacey, making sure she survived the end of the day. Some lady-in-waiting I was.
But I was still standing there, letting Alex hold my hand, like no time had passed. Like my heart was his for the taking, all over again.
But it wasn’t. It couldn’t be.
Alex squeezed my hand, about to speak, but I pulled my hand free, leaving him grasping at nothing. “I have to go.”
“Oh.” He closed his hand in a reflexive fist then released, his arm falling to his side.
He was disappointed. And you know what? That was fine. I was disappointed too. Disappointed that I’d let him in so easily, that the armor around my heart had been so easy to crack. “I still have to help the Queen,” I said. “My day’s not quite over yet.”
“Ah.” He gave a short nod as he stepped back. “Of course. I don’t know why I thought…”
I caught myself wanting to step forward, closing that distance between us. There was a part of me that wasn’t done kissing him. But I had to be—duty called. So I took a step back, then another. Time to get back to the Hollow; I was very late now.
“Caitlin?” he called out as I turned to go, stalling my steps. “I meant what I said,” he said softly. “I really am more careful with hearts these days. I promise.”
I nodded, grateful for that promise even as I held on to the shreds of my emotional armor. “I’m not so sweet anymore, either.” The words fell from my mouth like a warning. That na?ve little girl that had fallen for him so fast, so easily…she didn’t exist anymore.
But he didn’t seem fazed. “I’m not so sure about that,” he said as I turned back to the lane, so quietly that I couldn’t be sure that he’d actually spoken.
What had just happened?
I didn’t have time to work that out now.
I was on the other side of the grounds, and needed to hurry.
Stacey was waiting for me to help her get out of her dress, and that cold shower and comfy pajamas were waiting for me.
But even as I walked, I could still feel the pressure of his mouth against mine, the slow slide of his lips on my neck.
It hadn’t only been his kiss that had made me swoon.
It had been the years of memories. Of feelings.
For the first time, I understood what Pandora must have felt like, opening that box.
The horror of all those things rushing out, like toothpaste you can’t put back in the tube.
A lot of feelings had just come out of deep, deep storage, and I wasn’t sure what was going to happen when they finally thawed out all the way. It could get ugly.
But the thing about Pandora…despite all the ugliness she released, she held on to hope. And even though I kept a tight leash on my heart, there was the smallest part of me that wondered if things could be different this time around.
No matter what, I had a feeling that nothing was going to be the same.
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