Chapter 18
NIKA
Gulls wheel past overhead. They float in the wind, hovering not far above me. I dig my toes into sand and take a deep breath of salty, briny ocean air. “I got nothing for you guys,” I whisper to the birds. They don’t care.
I watch the water for a while. It’s peaceful.
My knee aches where I bashed it falling over a few days back, but I try not to think about that.
I try not to think about the blood splattering my face, the sharp tang of it on my tongue, of Ilya’s jaw snapping in half, of Artyom grabbing me by the hair—
I try not to think much of anything.
For the past four days, I’ve gone for walks.
Never alone. God forbid I ever have a moment of privacy. There are always men lurking nearby, always more than one. They watch from a respectful distance, but not too far.
In case something bad happens.
Today it’s my least favorite pair. Daniel is wearing jeans and a black shirt. He looks out of place on a beach, but he carries himself with pure confidence. His partner is an enormous monstrosity, his opposite, and he never talks. I call the big one Hulk, mostly because I don’t know his real name.
Daniel and Hulk follow when I start to wander down the beach. I like to stay close to the water. It laps against my feet. I carry my shoes in one hand and pick up shells with the other. I throw them back, again and again, even the pretty ones.
Feels wrong, keeping those.
I make it a mile before Daniel waves for me to turn back. I consider running. What’s further down the beach? More houses? More tourists? Boats crawl along the surf. Sometimes I walk past nice people who smile and nod kindly, but they never speak to me, like they know better. I feel like a prisoner.
“Beautiful today.” Daniel beams at me as I walk past, heading back toward the house.
“Yes, very.”
“Good walk?”
“So far.”
“Good, good, you look healthy.” He flexes his biceps. “Very strong.”
“One day I’ll be able to throw him fifty feet.” I nod at Hulk, who doesn’t react.
Daniel laughs and says something in Russian. Hulk grunts in reply.
I continue past them. Wind pushes my hair in waves.
I shield my eyes, thinking about the buildings in the distance, about the world outside.
I know, deep down, that I’m numb and avoiding my problems, but the beach is always here, the sand feels nice, and I love the sound of the waves.
One day I’ll get in the water and swim. Maybe I’ll keep on going for a while.
I wonder if Daniel and Hulk will come after me.
The house appears behind the dunes. It’s beautiful and white with a flat roof and a massive wooden deck. It must’ve cost a small fortune, right here on prime California real estate. I trudge back, feeling strangely empty, like I always do after a walk. Like I always do, every time I open my eyes.
Inside is cool and comfortable. It’s a lovely home, decorated with touristy beach schlock, but I like it anyway.
The color scheme is pale blue. I toss my shoes aside, rinse off my feet in the outside shower, and head into the kitchen.
It’s clean and modern. There’s lots of glass overlooking the ocean and the views are unbelievable.
I make tea and offer some to Daniel. He happily accepts while Hulk stakes out a position near the front door.
“Can I ask you something?” Daniel seems thoughtful as I place a mug in front of him. I sit down at the other side of the table and sit on one ankle, blowing at the steam.
“You might as well.”
“When are you going to talk to him?”
I keep my eyes on the table and don’t reply.
He’s the ghost in every conversation, but this is the first time since we came here that Daniel’s actually bringing him up.
It’s like a punch to my throat. Like a bullet to my jaw.
Like Ilya’s head exploding into a pink mist, one moment trying to save me, dead the next.
“I don’t know,” I say and that’s the truth. “What has he ever done for me?”
“He wants to explain.”
“It doesn’t matter. He hasn’t even tried to find my mother yet. He says he keeps his promises, but I haven’t seen that.”
“You should still hear him out.”
“What’s he going to say? Sorry I killed your dad?” I look up sharply, surprised at the sudden surge of hot anger. I should shut my mouth. I should stay quiet. I’m safe if I’m small.
But I’m different now, even if I don’t like it.
“It wasn’t that simple.” Daniel sighs and sips his tea. “Look, I don’t have any reason to defend him. God knows that man is difficult. But I’m telling you now, I’ve worked for a few different bosses over the years, and he’s the only one that’s ever been remotely fair.”
I laugh. It’s an ugly sound. I feel that sound deep in my soul: bitter and borderline manic. “Should that make me feel better? Your whole argument is he’s fair? How’s it fair that he killed my dad and didn’t tell me about it?”
“He has his reasons. You should talk to him.”
“I don’t want to.”
“What’s the plan then? You’re going to walk along the beach all day every day until he’s a Dragon or you’re both dead?”
“Sounds fantastic.”
“Good luck with that.” Daniel sits back, watching me carefully. “I saw the way you looked at each other. I think you’d be stupid to waste something like that.”
“You don’t know a fucking thing about me.” I shove myself back from the table. “You’re his fucking lapdog, that’s all.”
“But I’m not.” His smile is deeply sad. “Gabe’s twisted. We all are. But at least he doesn’t bullshit. We have a deal, and he sticks to it. I respect that.”
“Good for you guys. I’m going back out. I’ll believe all that crap about him keeping promises when he finds my mother.”
“Don’t go far.”
“Relax. I’m going to the porch.”
I storm out and take a while to get myself under control.
I never should’ve talked to Daniel like that.
He’s as dangerous as the men who used to spy on me and who shaped my life back when I was little.
They’re all dangerous, and if I don’t learn to shut my mouth, one day they’ll decide I’m too much trouble.
But to hell with that. Let them think I’m a pain in the ass. I’m the money, right? Gabe can’t win his war without me. Which means I’m too useful to toss aside.
Which means I have freaking leverage.
That’s all this has ever been, right? A business deal. I grip the edge of the railing and look out at the sea.
I’m only a bank account to him.
Tears drip down my face. I hate myself for it. Why cry for a man like Gabriel? He killed my father and didn’t bother to tell me about it. I had to find out from my crazy cousin. What’s the point of anything? Why should I talk to Gabe ever again?
I’ve been avoiding him for four days. I can keep on doing it until I’m dead.
Day five and it’s raining. I trudge along the sludgy, wet sand, struggling along the coast. Daniel and Hulk follow, looking miserable.
A sick part of me is happy they’re suffering as much as I am.
Back at the house, Gabe’s been stomping around, getting ready for something.
He tried to talk to me, but I let the slamming back door act as my only reply.
It’s better this way. Maybe I’m being dramatic, but so what?
I can’t keep on drifting through life letting men like Gabriel and my father and my cousin drag me along in their wake, shove me in whatever direction they want, yank me by the hair until I’m docile and compliant.
I should let this be who I am. Ugly, angry, and borderline unstable.
I’m tempted to scream into the wind, but that would only make Daniel and Hulk rush over to make sure I’m not about to drown myself.
I can’t write checks if I’m dead.
“Nika!” Daniel shouts at me, hand cupped around his mouth. “We should go back!”
I ignore him and walk on. I still have more space. It’s not time to turn back. But the wind’s coming up faster from the sea and the waves are getting ugly. The clouds are black and thick in the sky.
“Nika, lightning!” Daniel’s waving and running toward me. The thunder rolls a moment later. Light flickers out over the ocean, but it’s coming toward us. “Come on, we have to go back!”
I start sprinting. I run hard, feet kicking sand, heading toward the invisible line I’m not supposed to cross.
I know this is stupid and childish. The beach is dangerous in a lightning storm.
I’m the tallest point by far, but I can’t make myself care.
I run harder, water streaming down my face as the sky opens up, the wind blowing furiously.
Behind me, Daniel’s shouting, and I’m sure they’re chasing, but I got a head start and I’m determined to see what’s up ahead.
The beach turns. The sky flashes. Daniel and Hulk fall back, waving their arms, shouting but the noise is lost in the wind.
I keep going, going, going, disobeying the rules, taking a stupid risk, doing all the things I’m not supposed to do.
I feel wretched and broken. My relationship is dead before it started.
I gave that man a piece of me, I let him make me start to hope we could build an actual life together, and now it feels like all that’s ruined.
More lightning, more thunder, and there are people in a house nearby waving at me.
The nice people in their white trousers who usually pretend like I’m a ghost. Waving and yelling that I should get off the sand.
Nothing stops me. I keep going, further than I’ve ever gone, off our property now, running until my lungs feel like they’re going to break, gasping and desperate for air but still going, until up ahead a person comes storming down from the dunes, a man in a black suit.
He throws his jacket off, letting it drift into the sand, and comes at me, his white dress shirt plastered to his beautiful chest, rain soaking his hair and his slacks.
I slow, breathing hard, teeth clenched. Thunder screams and lightning strikes the ocean fifty feet away.
Gabe stands in front of me, his teeth gritted.
“We have to get off the beach,” he shouts over the wind.
“You lied to me!” I don’t move, daring him to stay with me. “You should have told me!”
His face twists like I stabbed him in the guts. “You’re right.”
I hate him for that. I want him to argue, to make excuses. I need him to act like I’m stupid or crazy for being this upset, but he doesn’t. Instead, his expression is a bleak mask of pain, like this is hurting him as much as it’s hurting me. I’ve never seen him look so distraught before.
“That doesn’t make it better!”
“I know, Nika. I should have told you from the start.”
“Why didn’t you?!”
“I thought you’d hate me, but I needed you, right up until I realized how badly I wanted you too. By then it was too late. We were too far.”
“You’re a coward.”
“Maybe. I don’t know.” He steps toward me, desperation in his face as more thunder roars.
He reaches out a hand. “Please, Nika, we have to get off the beach now. You can hate me. You can hit me, rip out my eyes. Tell me I’m all the fucked up things I know I am.
But please, do it somewhere safe. I’m begging you, Nika, get off the beach. ”
I want to run. I want to sprint into the water. I want to throw sand in his face, scream at him, punch him, make him hurt like I’m hurting.
But I think he already is.
And his face is filled with fear. I’ve never seen him so afraid before. His eyes keep going to the storm and back to me, and every inch of him is burning with urgency. He’s barely keeping himself back. If I didn’t hate him so much right now, he’d have already dragged me kicking and screaming.
God, I hate this. I hate it so much.
Lightning strikes close this time. I shout in surprise and jump to him, the light so blinding and bright it hurts my eyes.
He grabs me, pulls me against him, and starts to run back toward the dunes.
I stagger and move with him, huddled close to him against the rain.
He leaves his jacket behind, probably worth thousands, meaningless in the face of this storm.
He pulls me on grimly determined, until we reach a BMW parked haphazardly in some stranger’s driveway.
“I don’t want to talk anymore,” I say, getting into the back seat. Gabe doesn’t argue. He gets behind the wheel and pulls down the driveway, turning back toward the house.
I stare out the window as the storm rages. What the hell was I thinking back there? Staying on the beach was crazy.
But so was coming for me the way he did.
I lean my forehead against the cold glass and feel like I’m coming apart.
We reach the house. He parks out front, kills the engine, but doesn’t get out. The rain pelts the roof. Gabe’s quiet, eyes fixed on the front door.
“When I told her what happened, she insisted on coming. Just so you know. I didn’t bring her here for any other reason. She said she had to see you.”
I look up, puzzled. “Who are you talking about?” I ask but I already know. My stomach lurches with confused excitement.
I shove open my door and get out. Gabe doesn’t follow as I run to the door and throw it open. Inside is dark and quiet. Hulk stands near the stairs, glaring at me, soaked to the bone. I feel bad for him, but I press on, deeper into the house, toward the brightly lit kitchen.
This is how she is, seared into my mind.
Always standing at the stove, making comments about the day.
Funny, wry, a little bit mean, but deeply caring.
Food was her love language. That and Russian.
She’d make sure I always had enough to eat, and then she’d give me more.
Skin and bones, Nika, I swear, they must think I don’t feed you.
She’d smile and kiss my cheek and hug me tight.
Through everything, she was there.
I stop breathless in the kitchen doorway and she turns.
Her smile is exactly how I remember. It’s bright and self-deprecating, like she can’t believe she still knows how to feel happy.
“There you are, Nikusha, Gabriel was worried sick. You should have seen him, losing his mind—“
I sprint to Aunt Yelena and hug her so hard I’m afraid I might break her. She hugs me back with a sigh as I sob against her chest, all the pent-up feelings of the last five days spilling out, like the rain against the roof.