Chapter 20
GABE
Rain pelts the roof of the car as I stare at the front door of my beach house. Thunder rolls and lightning flashes. I’m still drenched from chasing Nika onto the beach, my clothes soaked through, my skin wet. I run the engine to warm up, but I don’t let myself get out of the car.
She doesn’t want me in there.
A sliver of ocean is visible in the distance.
What the hell was she thinking, running away like that? Daniel called in a panic and thank God I was already home. I raced to catch her, parking like a maniac, running into the storm like nothing else mattered. She could have died. I could have died. And I’d do it again if I had to.
The worst part is, I’d do it again if I had to. No hesitation, not even a question in my mind. I’d sprint out into lightning to drag her back to safety again and again if that’s what it took.
Why though? What happened to me? I nearly died when the former owner of my Bratva attacked my sister’s Dragon husband.
After that, I swore I’d never be weak again.
I worked hard to shed any semblance of humanity I had left, molded myself in darkness, shaped myself into the killer I am today.
People don’t matter. They’re tools to be used.
They’re nothing more than contractors flitting in and out of my life.
Until Nika. I want to pretend like she’s another piece on the chessboard, but that’d be a lie. She’s become so much more, and I don’t know how I let myself get to this point.
I feel like I’m spiraling, like I’m haunted by a man I thought I’d killed. The old piece of me, still trapped in my heart. I don’t want that person anymore; I don’t need him to wake back up. But he’s waking anyway.
I have regrets. Not many, but some. Listening to Medved is one. Not telling Nika about her father is the other.
I should be celebrating. Aslan’s dead. Artyom’s on the run. I’m in the strongest position to take the Dragon throne, but it all feels empty. All because Nika looks at me like I’m a monster.
Like I’m what I’ve made myself.
Lightning flashes. Thunder rolls. I turn from the ocean and notice the front door’s standing open. Nika stands on the porch watching me, her arms crossed over her chest. She leans against the railing, head cocked.
I kill the engine and get out. Rain drenches me again, but I don’t move to go closer. I close the door and watch her.
“You gonna just get soaked?” she calls out.
“That’s the plan.”
“Come on, you must be freezing.”
“I’m fine.”
“Don’t be stupid.” She turns away, shuts the front door, and sits on the porch swing.
I follow, not sure if this is the right thing to do. A piece of me still rebels against the idea of wanting her so badly. A bigger piece wants to drop to my knees and to beg her forgiveness. I should plead and grovel until she comes around.
Instead, I get out of the rain, but I don’t go closer to her.
“How’s Yelena?” I ask, nodding at the house.
“She’s fine. Taking a bath.”
“Fed you?”
“Obviously.”
The corner of my mouth lifts. “When she first came to Moscow, she cooked me a massive Russian meal. It was the best thing I’d ever tasted. I was floundering, those early weeks, trying to pull the Bratva together after it splintered apart, and I think I would have failed if not for her.”
Nika turns her face away. She watches the rain drip from the eaves. “She speaks highly of you.”
“I don’t deserve her praise.”
“No, you probably don’t, but she does anyway.”
More thunder. Her face is drawn and stressed.
I hate seeing her like this. She’s been pulling into herself ever since her cousin attacked the motel and told her what I did.
I can't stand it, hate watching her regress after all the progress she’s made.
I want her to keep blooming, keep growing.
I want to see what she’s going to become.
Instead, I worry I’ve ruined everything.
“I should have told you,” I say after the silence is unbearable. “But I didn’t think you mattered.”
She meets my eyes, chewing on her thumbnail. “Why do you think like that? Like people aren’t important?”
“I don’t.”
“But you do. You act like everyone’s just—“ She waves a hand in the air like she’s grabbing at the words. "A line item on a bill.”
“Relationships are easier when there are clear boundaries.”
“Okay, that’s fair, but still. People aren’t hammers. They’re not weapons. You don’t cut deals with them and stop caring.”
“Before I met you, I would’ve disagreed. I would’ve said that’s exactly what people are for.” She holds my eyes, still chewing on her thumb, those big eyes fixed on mine. My heart patters in my chest. I take a step toward her. “I still want to believe that.”
“But you don’t anymore.”
“I can’t. I hate it.”
“What changed?” she whispers, but she knows and I know. Except maybe it’s time to say it out loud. Give it a name. Admit to what’s happening.
Pure honesty. That’s all I can offer her.
“You did.”
She drops her gaze to her lap. “Don’t say that.”
“It’s the truth. I ran out into a storm to save you tonight. I'd throw myself into a hurricane if I had to. I’d take bullets, knives, I’d drown in blood. Nobody else makes me feel that way, except for you.”
“But you still lied to me.”
“I did. I kept the truth from you because I thought telling you would make things too complicated. That was wrong. It was a pragmatic decision, and it’s not one I would make now.”
She dips her chin. “Because I was just a tool. Why tell a tool more than it needs to know?”
“That’s how I thought, but I don’t risk my life for a tool.
I don’t risk everything for someone who doesn’t matter.
” I step closer before dropping to my knees in front of her.
Rain drips from my clothes, down my face, from my hair.
“I should have told you, Nika. I’m sorry that I didn’t.
I regret that, but I don’t regret killing him.
If you need that from me, I can’t give it to you.
All I have is who I am and what I’ve done, and I won’t hide from it.
I’m a killer. I’m going to be a Dragon. And I want you by my side.
I want my wife. I need you, Nika. I need you. ”
She searches my face, teeth catching her lip, confusion and stress written all over it, until she sits forward. “Shit,” she whispers under her breath. “Shit. Shit!” She lunges at me, grabs my face, fists the front of my soaking shirt, and slams her mouth into mine.
It hurts. It feels fucking incredible. Our teeth click and lips mash until I’m kissing her so hard it feels like I might break.
I drag her down to the porch with me, down onto her knees as I wrap my arms around her and taste her, feel her warmth flood through my wet clothes.
She kisses me back, whimpers into my mouth, and I don’t know what Yelena said to her.
I don’t know what she’s thinking. But I can be sure that I won’t ever hide something from her again. Full honesty, even if it kills me.
That’s the best I can do now.
We break apart. Her forehead rests against mine. “I’m afraid,” she whispers.
I stroke her cheek. “I know you are.”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen. If we keep doing this—if we don’t stop—“
“There’s only one path. I’m walking it.”
“You’re going to be a Dragon.”
“And you’re going to be a Dragon’s wife. Think about it, Nika. You’re going to be my queen.”
She laughs under her breath. “Why would anyone want me to be their queen?”
“Because you’re not as small as you think you are.” I kiss her, thumb trailing down her cheek. “Do you believe me?”
“I think so. I don’t know. I want to forgive you, I just—“ She takes a shuddering breath. “I’m afraid, that’s all.”
“Then we’ll go slow. One small step forward until we’re standing together again.”
“Here I was thinking you were an impatient man.”
“I am. For anyone else. But for you, I can wait.”
She dips her head, tears rolling down her cheeks. I lean forward and kiss them away, tasting the salt on her skin.
“We should go inside. You need to change into dry clothes.”
“In a few minutes.” I pull her tighter against me. The storm’s raging, wind blowing hard, trees bending. “I want to watch this with you.”
Lightning strikes and thunder roars. She clings to me and I hold her while the world shivers and groans around us, and I feel more grounded than I’ve been in a long, long time.