Chapter 29 #2
“And that’s when I had you. Little baby Veronika.
I named you, did you know that? I bet he never told you, but I guess that’s the one thing you kept from me.
I held you that first night, fed you, sang to you, but they took you away in the morning, and I was gone by the following night.
One of his soldiers helped me escape. I think he’s probably long dead now.
But he made it clear that if I wanted to live, I could never come back.
Your father would never have allowed a loose end like me to remain.
I think he only let me live as long as he did because he was interested in having a child after all.
When the time came, I ran for my life, left Moscow, Russia, everyone I knew and loved behind, and I came here, because in the old world men like your father could dispose of a girl like me without ever worrying about the consequences. ”
I let the story wash over me. Every word rings true. It all feels like my father perfectly. The control, the disdain, the willingness to kill me as a baby, and to kill her when she became worthless to him.
A part of me wishes there were more, some dramatic event that explained everything, some struggle on her part to keep me in her life, but that isn’t how it works.
She was probably young, maybe my age when it all happened.
How would I have handled things, if I were in her position?
I have no idea if I could have done any better.
Still, it hurts. It hurts badly. She escaped, disappeared, never looked back, and moved on.
“You got married,” I say and have to clear my throat. “You have a family.”
“I did and I do. That wasn’t really the plan.
I mean, I wasn’t interested in German men when I moved here.
” She smiles at her joke. “I thought about you a lot. I’m sure that doesn’t help, but I did.
I couldn’t go back to you. I didn’t know where you were, and besides, Moscow was off limits.
Nobody could know about me. If your father ever knew where I’d gone, my life would be over.
But I met Hendrick, and there was a reason to keep my mouth shut, then I had Lionel and Lily, and there were two more reasons.
I’m sorry, Veronika. Did you… did your father at least… was he there?”
“My father wasn’t really part of my life.”
She lets out a relieved sigh. “That’s good. I’m happy to hear it.”
“He’s dead now.”
“Really?” She sits up straighter. “He’s really gone?”
“You don’t have to be worried about him anymore. Nobody’s looking for you if they ever were. You’re safe.”
She gapes at me, her mouth open, until she lets out one brutal, ugly sob, quickly turning away.
I watch her crumble, for a moment, and try to imagine how she’s feeling.
This woman’s been on the run her whole life, hiding away, always afraid that one day the shadows would catch her and eat her and destroy everyone she loves.
And now she knows that won’t ever happen. Now she knows she’s safe.
Except here I am, the reminder of her old, broken world, haunting her still.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m okay.” Helena rubs her face, wiping away tears. “It’s a lot. Taking it all in. Please, where are you staying? Are you here for long?”
I push back from the table. My hands are shaking as I stand. “I should go.”
“No, no, don’t do that. I want you to stay. I know… it’s complicated… I will explain you to Hendrick…”
“He doesn’t know about me?”
She must see how badly that hurts. Her shoulders slump. “I couldn’t tell anyone. You don’t understand. If anyone ever found me, he might’ve killed me and my children.”
I want to scream at her, I was your child, but I don’t bother. I’m starting to see my mother for what she’s always been. Scared, small, lonely. Flinching at loud noises. Living like everything she loves will be ruthlessly, brutally ripped away and murdered before her very eyes.
“I’m happy you’re okay, I really am. I’m glad we did this.
” I walk away from the table, back toward the door.
I can’t stand staying in this house any longer.
All the photographs, the life she has, I don’t belong in this place at all.
I’m a reminder of the hell she escaped, and if she ever wants to have a future, a decent, happy, clean future, I can’t be a part of it.
Our paths diverged, and that has to be okay.
At least I understand now. My mother ran to save her own life. It was selfish, but now I know she was a coward. She could’ve taken me with her, done a million other things, instead of leaving me with my father and coming here to make a better life while I was tossed aside to rot.
“Please, hold on!” Helena comes running after me. I pause in the driveway and turn back. She’s clutching a stack of slim black books, several fancy journals bound in red rubber bands. She shoves them into my arms. “Take these.”
“What are they?”
“Books. I stole them when I left. From your father. They are…” She makes me take them from her. “They are valuable, I think. Business ledgers. Maybe they can help you. I don’t know, but you should have them.”
“Why? I don’t need these.”
“I was angry at him when I left. I wanted to get revenge. He kept these locked in a safe and I stole them, and now…” She trails off, maybe realizing how stupid this is. “Take them. I’m sorry, Veronika. I really am.”
I hold the ledgers against my chest and frown at my mother.
I try to find some words to express how I’m feeling.
Some phrase that can draw a line under this relationship and end it for good.
You don’t deserve happiness. I hate you.
I love you. I wish you were my mother. But nothing feels right. I turn and start to walk away.
“Is it really true? Is he really dead?” The hope in her voice kills me.
“You’ll be fine now, Klara. Don’t worry anymore.”
She nods, hugging herself. I glance back one last time before walking swiftly to where Gabe’s waiting.
He doesn’t say anything. I keep moving and he falls into step, draping an arm across my shoulders and tugging me close.
I hold it together until we reach the train station and find a secluded bend, and I break, the emotion flooding from me like a shattered dam, and he holds me tight as it drowns me over and over again.