Chapter 29 #2
“She’s a Petrov,” Stella reminds me, brushing the hair away from my eyes. “She has you. She has Kostya and Sasha. She has Frankie, who will dote on her endlessly. She has love, Kill. That will be enough.”
My gaze locks on my niece, a bitter mix of grief and fear twisting in my chest. “She doesn’t have Elena. She doesn’t have Misha.”
“That’s not entirely true.” Stella shakes her head patiently.
“She may not have Elena, but you’ll all make sure she grows up knowing exactly the kind of woman her mother was.
You will all remind her every day how deeply Elena loved her.
And as for Misha…” She exhales softly. “He will be a father to her. He just needs time to grieve. Give him some grace, Kill. It may take a while, but he’ll wake up one day and see that his daughter needs him. ”
“I hope you’re right.”
“I know I am. Family is everything to your brother. He won’t forsake his own child. Not when Elena gave her life bringing her into this world.”
That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.
That Misha will never truly love Nadya the way she deserves because every time he looks at her, all he’ll see is the wife he lost.
I shove those thoughts away and let myself sink into the quiet perfection of my niece.
“Do you…” Stella hesitates beside me. “Do you want kids?”
My knee jerk reaction is to say yes if she’s the one giving them to me, but I catch myself in time.
Even though Stella’s been with me these last few days, we haven’t spoken about us or our relationship. Grief has taken the front seat in everything.
So I go with the truth instead.
“Honestly, after raising Kostya, I was a little put off by the whole idea of having kids,” I say, trying to lighten the tension in the air, but it all sounds hollow.
“I’m not sure the life I lead is safe to bring a child into.
But if children were meant to be in my future…
I wouldn’t say no, either. I suppose it all depends on who I had them with.
” I hold her gaze. “What about you? Have you ever thought about kids?”
Stella looks away from me and back to Nadya.
“I don’t think I ever wanted children,” she admits quietly.
“I used to think they’d be too much of a burden.
But now…” Her voice softens. “Now I think I don’t want them because of how we live.
There’s too much danger in our world. I don’t think I could do my job right if I was always terrified for their safety.
” She swallows. “Look at Nadya. She’s so small.
So perfect. The thought of anyone hurting her…
” Her jaw tightens. “It sets my blood on fire.”
My heart swells at the way Stella is already so protective of Nadya.
That has to mean something. Right?
I lean over the crib and press a gentle kiss to Nadya’s cheek, while Stella brushes her tiny hand with featherlight care, careful not to wake her.
“Come, milaya,” I tell her, threading my fingers through Stella’s. “I’ve had enough sorrow for one day. I need a little hope to carry me through.”
She doesn’t resist as I lead her from the nursery and down the hall. When we step into my bedroom, my hands find her waist without hesitation. Stella looks up at me as if she’d gladly lose herself in my eyes if I let her.
“Is this okay?” I whisper, lowering my lips to the curve of her neck.
“Yes,” she breathes.
“And this?” I mutter again as my kisses trail to her shoulder, my teeth grazing her skin.
She nods softly, arms sliding around my neck, tilting her head to give me more access. Once her skin breaks out in goosebumps, I lift her chin gently, forcing her to look at me.
“Tell me, dusha moya,” I whisper, my voice rough with want and need, “how far will you let me love you today?”
Her hooded eyes darken, desire burning in her gaze. When she parts those beautiful lips of hers, her voice is barely a whisper, but it’s enough to undo me completely.
“As far as you want,” she says softly.
That’s all it takes.
I lift her in one smooth motion, her legs wrapping around me on instinct, and suddenly everything between us is heat and urgency.
Maybe it’s the way death has clung to us these past few days.
Maybe it’s the time we’ve spent apart. Whatever the reason, whatever restraint we held onto shatters completely.
My mouth crashes into hers within seconds. I let out a low groan with how sweet she tastes, and how warm her body feels now molded onto mine.
“Kill… Kill…” she moans when the sensation overwhelms her, her fingers tangling in my hair, pulling at the strands until it almost hurts.
I pull back just enough to breathe, searching her face. All I find in her eyes is love.
A love I’ve been starved of for far too long.
“What is it, milaya?” I rasp.
“I… I…” she stammers.
“Tell me,” I beg, my hands already lifting her skirt, my body burning with need.
“I was scared,” she finally says, stopping me cold.
“No. Not scared. I was terrified,” she corrects, loosening her grip on my hair to cup my face in her palms instead.
“When my dad got shot…” She pauses as if she needs an extra second to force the words out of her mouth.
“All I could think about was…what if it had been you? What if someone shot you?”
“That would never have happened.”
“You don’t know that. No one does.”
“That. Would. Never. Happen,” I repeat, steady with conviction.
“Can you please take this seriously? I’m trying to explain to you why I did it. Why I pushed you away.”
“Now?” I ask hoarsely, my hard cock pleading with me to be let out of its confinement. “You have the worst timing, dusha moya.”
“I know,” she says with a weak smile, her voice trembling. “But if I don’t say it now, then…”
That’s when I hear it. The fear beneath her words. The same fear she is battling with everything she has just to keep it from ruling her life.
I still myself instantly, ignoring everything in me that begs to take her right here and now. Instead, I simply hover over her, my knuckles brushing softly along her cheek.
“Say what you need to, dusha moya. I am all ears.”
She takes a fortifying breath, her hands clutching my forearms to keep her tethered.
“Just the thought of losing you was enough to terrify me,” she whispers.
“Terrify me in a way that felt suffocating. I knew, right then, that if I lost you, I’d be living the same nightmare Misha is trapped in now.
I couldn’t survive that, Kill. I would rather have died than live a life without you. ”
My chest tightens, just as my heart dares to hope.
“So I pushed you away,” she admits, tears shimmering in her eyes.
“I hoped, stupidly, that the love I felt would fade. But it didn’t.
It never did. My heart loves you too much to forget you.
It only beats when you’re near. Without you, everything turns gray.
It’s really pretty pathetic,” she adds the last part to hide her embarrassment from pouring her heart like this.
But it’s too late.
She sealed her fate the minute she admitted she loved me.
My throat works double time as I absorb every word.
“And you’re wrong,” she continues softly.
“Everything you wrote in your letter is wrong. The Outfit isn’t my priority anymore…
not when I don’t have you beside me. Because with you, I’m stronger.
And you thinking I’m not…that’s a lie. And I’m so tired of our lies, Kill.
So very tired.” Her voice steadies once more.
“All I want, from this day forward, is to never be apart from you again.” She looks straight into my soul. “Can you handle that?”
My heart stammers, completely unprepared for this—unprepared for her.
But it’s the three smallest words she said in her admission of love that I cling to most.
“You love me?”
“With all my stupid heart,” she whispers, a silent tear slipping free. “You are my soul too, Kill. You’re everything. And I’m sorry it took me so long to say it.”
This time, the tears burning my eyes aren’t born of grief but of something brighter. Something terrifying and beautiful. And mine.
“ya tebya lyublyu,” she breathes out in perfect Russian, surprising me even more.
“Say it again. In English this time.”
“I love you.”
I crash my mouth to hers, holding her like she’s the only real thing left in a broken world. And for the first time since Elena died, hope doesn’t feel like a lie.
How can it when Stella just admitted to loving me?
“Kill,” she says breathlessly between kisses. “Aren’t you going to say something too?”
“In a minute, dusha moya,” I groan as I pull down my pants and swipe her panties to the side.
We both hiss out when I thrust deep inside her, heaven parting its gates just for me.
Now I can say the words that have been bubbling in my chest since the first time I laid eyes on her.
“You are by far the most infuriating woman I’ve ever met in my life, and falling in love with you has been the most glorious thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Thrust.
“I love you with all my heart, Stella.”
Thrust.
“Being apart from you has been hell, but I would live through that misery ten times over if it meant I could have you in my arms again.”
Thrust.
“I swear to you, from this day on, I will never let you go.”
Thrust.
“You are mine, my soul. You are my reason for living. The joy to my days. You are my salvation. And I love you…love you…love you until the end of my days.”
Stella pants out, her pussy clenching around my cock in a way that blinds me.
“Kill,” she pleads on a loud wail. “Now in English, please.”
And that’s when I realize I’ve just poured my soul out to my woman in a language she can’t understand.
But that’s all right.
Because I intend to say these words to her for the rest of our lives…until they are etched into her memory and inked across her heart.
Just as her name is carved into mine.