39. Lucy
Lucy
“ I want you to see what I’m thinking, okay?” I pull Adriano along through the halls of the Marino mansion by the hand.
“It’s been a long day,” he growls, dragging his feet. “Can’t we just unwind?”
“You mean, can’t we just have raunchy sex for an hour or two?”
“Pretty much.”
I slap at his wrist lightly. “Later. Just indulge me.”
He sighs, smiling. “I always do.”
“And it’s such a chore, isn’t it?” I lean into him, and he puts an arm across my shoulders. We walk to his father’s former wing together and step into the empty rooms.
They’re entirely cleared out. All the old stuff is gone.
The carpets were ripped up, and the walls are painted a neutral light gray.
The trim is in the process of being replaced, and half the light fixtures are missing.
There’s more painter’s tape than anything else, and plastic sheeting covers most of the floor space.
I tug him with me right into the middle of the main room.
“Den,” I say, gesturing around us. “Couch over there. Something easy to clean. TV when he’s older. Shelves, bookcases, storage for all his toys.” I gesture back toward the bedroom. “Nursery.”
Adriano’s eyebrows raise. “You want to make this the kid wing?”
“We’ll have to move our bedroom. There’s a good one right next door I was thinking we could refinish. Maybe even knock down a few walls and make it into a whole suite. That way, we can be close to the kids?—”
“Kids? Plural?”
“Parenthood won’t be easy,” I say, ignoring him. “We’re not going to rely on nannies and staff for everything.”
“I mean, we’ll rely on them for some things.”
I swat at him again. “You’re not taking this seriously.”
“Yes, amore mio , I most certainly am.” He pulls me against him, and his smile fades. “It’s just hard to think of this place that way. These rooms were my father’s rooms.”
I hesitate, wondering if I made a big mistake.
I asked Donatella what she thought of this, and she said it was a wonderful way to turn sorrow into something happy.
And the space is very good, almost perfect for what we’ll need.
Plenty of room for a few children to grow up and be happy with room to expand as needed.
This wing of the house hasn’t been used much over the years, and there’s more space than Adriano’s father ever needed.
But I can understand why it might be hard for him. I don’t want to push him too fast. I just thought it might be good, a way to help the grieving process.
“Think of it like a tribute to him. Maybe he would’ve liked that, you know? His grandchildren growing up in his old room?”
His mouth twitches into an almost-smile. “I think he would’ve, actually. Dad was always into family.” But the almost-smile goes away. “But it’s a lot. I’d have to run it past Bianca first.”
“She doesn’t even live here. I doubt she’ll mind.”
“Still—”
“I’m not trying to pressure you. I’m really not. I just thought you’d like this idea, is all.”
“Baby.” He tries to tug me close, but I pull away. His expression is dark and tortured. “You don’t understand.”
“Then make me understand. We don’t have to do anything to these rooms if you don’t want to. It really doesn’t matter.”
“Then why do you seem upset?”
“Because I want you to be excited,” I say, letting it burst out with more emotion than it should have. Donatella keeps saying I need to be patient, but I don’t know how much longer I can wait.
His eyebrows raise in surprise. “I am excited.”
“Are you? The first time I told you, you seemed like it was the greatest news you’d ever heard. But since then, whenever the baby comes up, you suddenly get moody. I don’t understand it.”
“I’m not getting fucking moody .”
“Babies are a lot of work. I get it, our lives are going to change, but this is good. This is a miracle. It’s what we want, right?”
“I want this child with you more than I want anything in the world,” he says, and the intensity of the look he gives me makes me believe him.
“So why don’t you seem like it?”
He hesitates and looks away. This is what always happens. We start talking about the future, his mood sours and darkens, and he finally finds a way to get out of the conversation. It’s going to happen again if I let him.
“Baby—”
I charge him like a bull. I slam into his chest, pull his face to mine, and I kiss him. I throw everything into that kiss, driving my tongue past his lips and teeth, clearly surprising him. I bite down, not too hard, but enough to make him grunt. Then I pull away while he seems off-guard.
“Just tell me the truth,” I say, breathing hard. I was trying to unbalance him enough with the kiss that he’d open up, but I think I only succeeded in turning myself on.
He sucks in a breath. His lips open. Then he shakes his head. “I don’t like talking about the future, especially not in this room, because this is where I’m going to end up. Just like him.”
“Adriano—”
“No, listen for a second.” His grip on me tightens into iron.
My heart’s hammering. I knew he had worries about this, but maybe I didn’t realize how deep it went.
“Watching my father deteriorate was one of the most terrible experiences of my life. You can’t imagine what it was like for the one person you love most in the world to slowly forget who you are. ”
“I do know,” I whisper, looking into his eyes. “My parents were addicts, remember? But they weren’t always so bad. I watched them spiral into their disease, and it took them both from me. A lot like the way dementia took your father from you.”
His expression softens, and his head droops. “You’re right. I hadn’t thought about it that way.”
“But I’m not an addict. And you won’t necessarily end up with dementia.”
“Even if I don’t, you know most Dons don’t retire in peace and die at an old age. You know what my life is like.”
“You want to push me away because your job is dangerous?”
“No, I don’t want that, not even a little.
But yes, for your sake. I can’t live with myself if you suffer because of me.
Even the thought of you taking care of me in my old age, of watching me slowly lose myself and also losing you, it fucking kills me.
It breaks me, Lucy. I don’t want to shackle you to that awful ending. ”
I lean into him and hug tightly. I close my eyes and breathe in his smell.
This big, terrifying man. He’s a killer and a monster.
But there’s so much more than that inside of him.
Every time he finally opens up, I’m reminded that people are more than the little pieces they show to the world.
A killer can love too. A killer can worry and care. There’s nothing simple about Adriano.
But if I wanted simple, I’d find some pretty grunting idiot that just growls and acts like he can fix everything with his genitals.
Instead, I have my complicated husband, who also happens to have a magic dick.
“I don’t care about the ending. That’s life, right? If we all lived for the ending, I’m pretty sure everyone would be pretty freaking disappointed.”
“You don’t know how bad it was.”
“But we just agreed that I do, or at least I have a pretty good idea. And if it means a life with you, with our children, I’d happily take the risk.
Because if by some terrible unlucky twist you do end up like your father, you’ll need me there by your side, and you better fucking believe I won’t ever, ever let you suffer alone, no matter what you forget. ”
He’s quiet for a moment. I feel the tension in him like a pulsing wave.
I wish I could open up my heart and my mind and let him see my insides.
That way he’d understand that I’m in this now.
There’s no turning back for me. There’s no before, no after, only right here and now.
There’s only my husband, Adriano, and the life I want to build with him.
I don’t want our life to end in tragedy. But I’m willing to take the risk because the reward is him in my life every single day until then.
“I want you to make me a promise.” He strokes my hair and takes a deep breath. “If it becomes too much, I want you to swear you’ll walk away. No hard feelings from me. No regrets or anything. I want you to promise you’ll go.”
“Adriano—”
“Just swear it, alright.”
I sigh and tilt my head back to look into his eyes. “No, Adriano.”
“Lucy—”
“No,” I say, firmer now, fighting back against my anger.
I don’t know where this fire is coming from, but it feels good to stand up for myself.
“I’m not promising that because it won’t ever happen.
You’re my husband. That means good and bad, right?
I can’t live with myself if you don’t know that I’m going to be by your side no matter what happens.
That’s just fucking life. I won’t ever abandon you the same way you won’t ever abandon me.
That’s just how this works. We’re partners. ”
He takes a deep, shuddering breath and slowly blows it out. I expect him to be mad, but instead he seems to relax slightly and lean against my body. “You’re right,” he says in a very small voice.
Which isn’t what I expected. “I know I’m right, asshole.”
He laughs. It’s the kind of laugh that comes over a man when he’s out of options. I feel the stress slowly flow off him. When he’s done, it’s like he stepped from a river and dried in the sun.
“I can’t force anything on you, amore mio . But you’re right. I won’t ever leave you. I won’t ever abandon you. No matter how bad things get.”
“And I feel the same. Now would you stop pulling away from me?” I tug him, getting on my toes to kiss his lips. “Please, Adriano, just stop it. We can do this together.”
He purrs softly, his forehead to mine. “You’re right. Together.”
“Good boy.”
He grins and bites my lower lip. “That’s my thing.”
“Maybe I’m taking control.”
“Oh, I doubt that.” He reaches down and lightly squeezes my ass. “How about we play a game?”
“Seriously? We just had the most intense heart-to-heart of our married life and you’re horny?”
“Let’s call this a way to seal the deal.”
“You’re seriously deranged.”
“Play with me, Lucy.” He kisses my neck. Then my ear. And god damn it, I want to give in.
“I want to hear you say that you won’t ever ask me to leave you again. Then maybe I’ll give in.”
His chuckle is like fire and ice in my veins. I’m vibrating with need, but I can’t let that distract me.
“I promise, baby. I won’t ever ask you to leave me again. I’m a selfish bastard, after all.”
“All right, fine.” I run my fingers through his hair. “What do you need me to do?”