Chapter 10
NIKO
BLOOD SUGAR SEX MAGIC - RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS
This is going to be a problem.
I look down in my lap as I bury my fingers in my hair, tugging the roots while I stare at the erection I’ve had for the last twenty minutes.
This happened last night, too.
I was a little buzzed, that’s true, and it’s why nothing happened right away when Liv climbed into bed next to me.
We slept soundly, we cuddled, then she got up to pee around three o'clock and when she came back, she didn’t have pants on.
I didn’t notice right away, I was still foggy from sleep, but once Liv curled up in my arms and I felt her bare legs tangle with mine, I knew I was fucked.
Thankfully I was able to wait until she was completely out before my dick tried inserting himself into the equation.
Jerking off felt wrong; it felt like something I shouldn’t do with my girl close enough to hear, so I didn’t.
Instead, I paced the length of the RV until my erection deflated, then I went back to bed and was a little more cautious of our position.
Yesterday was fine, it was great, actually.
We went to the little grocery store on the campground, took a walk down the trails, and talked about ourselves differently than we have before.
There wasn’t any sharing about much of our lives before we met, not outside of what we’ve already talked about, but it was meaningful. Music, art, books. Seasons and animals. We talked about life after death and some heavier shit but it all felt deeper than Liv and I have gone so far.
We talked about love.
Self-love. Love after loss. Bonds and packs.
Liv told me about the baby she lost.
I was surprised, not that it happened, but that she shared it with me. Then she told me about the charm on her necklace.
She and her previous pack had bonded differently, even from other chosen packs that she knew of.
For some reason, their bites didn’t take.
They tried; all four of them tried to bond that way and it should have worked since they were more than accepting, but it didn’t.
I could tell Liv has a theory about why but she didn’t say, and I didn’t pry.
But she showed me her necklace and explained since they couldn’t mark each other, they had rings.
The charm is triangular, each side one of her mates’ rings and they’re melded around hers.
In the center, in a small, clear bead is a swirl of a dark reddish pink and when Liv told me that was a tiny bit of what was left of her baby, she couldn’t look me in the eye.
I think she assumed I’d be disgusted or something, like I’d think she was fucked up for turning her loss into jewelry, but that couldn’t have been farther from the truth.
I understand what she did and why she did it, and when I told her that, Liv broke down. She threw her arms around me and cried, then she thanked me.
This perfect omega—this beautiful, strong woman who has been through a hell I’m not sure anyone is familiar with—thanked me for listening without judgement, and for being hers.
Not her friend, or her travel buddy. Not her companion. Just hers.
The entire day was almost surreal but despite the way Liv opened her wounds and bared her soul to me, I didn’t do it in return. I didn’t tell her my secrets. I barely said anything once we got to the heavy, and the guilt has been eating at me ever since.
She knew it, too.
I made dinner then hooked up her TV so we could watch a movie, and things were relatively normal through all of that, but Liv knew something was going on with me. And I still didn’t say shit.
Now it’s four in the morning and I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at my painfully hard dick while struggling with the way all of my feelings are coming to a head.
“Niko?”
I flinch at the sound of Liv’s sleep-filled voice, her normal smoky tone raspier when she’s tired.
It’s sexy.
Sexy and not what I need right now.
“Niko, honey, what’s wrong?”
My back stiffens as I feel her shift behind me, scooting closer because she’s concerned but it sends me over, and I snap.
“Stop.”
“Niko?” I can practically hear her wince. “What’s going on, are you—”
“Goddamnit, Liv, just stop.” I blow out a breath and shake my head, dropping my elbows to my knees on a frustrated huff. “I… This was a bad idea.”
“What was?” she whispers, and fuck, that guts me.
It guts me to hear her pain and feel her hurt, especially since I’m causing both, but I don’t think I can stop what I’ve already started.
I don't think I should. I want Liv. I want to be with her, but there are things I need to say, shit I need to actually deal with before I can move forward with anything.
“Coming with you,” I say softly as I hang my head. She doesn’t say anything but I can hear her moving again and when I chance a look over my shoulder, it’s like my heart cracks in two.
Liv has scooted as far away from me as possible, and she’s leaning against the wall with her knees pulled to her chest. And she has goddamn tears in her eyes.
“Fuck.” I scrub my hands over my face, angry with myself for how I’m handling this. Which would be like a fucking moron. “That’s not what I meant.”
“I get it,” Liv says as she sniffles. “I’m sure there’s somewhere close by where you can get a bus ticket. I can take you. I don’t want you to stay if you don’t want to be here.”
I shake my head instead of punching myself in the face the way I want to. “That’s just it, Liv. I want to stay. I want to be here with you.”
“You don’t have to lie to me. I’m used to… I’ll be fine alone.”
I am epically failing at this, and somehow my dick isn’t getting the message despite how obvious it is. If I’m not careful, I’m going to hurt this woman in a way I won’t be able to fix, and that’s not even close to what I’m trying to do.
“I have a scent match,” I blurt as I stare at the bedroom door.
“I have a scent match, we bonded, and we were together for a long time. I wound up at the shelter because of what happened between us. He’s the one who shot me.
” I laugh morbidly. “I shot him back, though. It’s all kinds of fucked up, honestly.
I still love him and shit, but…” God, this is so hard.
“There was some kind of betrayal there. Something happened that got us to that point, where we were fucking shooting at each other. I don’t even know what it was that started it, I just knew I had to leave. ”
A tear slips down my cheek and I wipe it away as I hear the blankets shifting behind me.
“I left and never second-guessed the decision, and I’ve learned to live with the fact that I’m bonded to and in love with someone I clearly can’t be with.
Someone I shouldn’t be with, who obviously doesn’t want me, but that’s where I’m struggling.
I love him and that isn’t going to change but I’m so goddamn drawn to you.
” I push my hair behind my ears and decide now is as good a time as any to dig my hole deeper than before.
“I’ve been all but obsessed with you since we met, Liv.
You have completely taken over my thoughts; you’re always in the forefront of my mind.
Letting you leave without me was never an option but…
” I glance over my shoulder as I feel the heat of her body, my girl so close we’re almost touching.
“But I’m struggling with the fact that I’m in love with someone else and at the same time, I've fallen so fucking hard for you. I don’t understand how I can still be so in love with Dimitri, but be so in love with you that the idea of you leaving me had me seconds from losing my goddamn mind. ”
“Niko… I, I think I understand.”
“Really?” I snap. “Because I don’t. I have dreams about being with him.
Dreams so fucking real it’s like I can feel his hands on my body.
I can taste him on my tongue. There is a huge part of me that longs for him, that yearns to be with Dimitri again, even though he betrayed my trust and broke my fucking heart.
” I clench my jaw and take a deep breath.
“But I love you, too. I love you. I want to wake up with you every day and spend every single second with you. I want to crawl into bed with you at night, to hold you and make you feel as special as you make me feel. I want to make you feel loved and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I want to take care of you, to provide for you and make you feel safe.”
With another dark laugh, I look down at my dick and rub my palms over my thighs.
“I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you and touch you. I want to lick your pussy and drink you in. I want to feel you wrapped around my cock while I tell you how beautiful you are, how fucking perfect you are, and how I’m going to love you for the rest of our lives.
I can’t imagine letting one goddamn day go by without doing any of that, but I don’t understand how I can feel that way when I want those things with someone else, too, and when you had them before you even knew I existed. ”
A long stretch of silence follows my unhinged speech, and I can’t help wondering how long it’s going to take before Liv kicks me out of this RV and leaves me to hitch a ride with Caroline and Tessa.
It’s going to happen, it has to after all of that.
Feeling that way about one person rocked my entire world when it happened, but twice in one lifetime? It seems impossible.
“I love you, too, Niko.”
My head spins in her direction, my eyes darting to Liv as she whispers her words so softly, so close I can feel them against my skin. “What?”