Chapter 17
Ican feel his eyes on me. Alaric is watching me hard and if I turn, I know he’s going to ask me why I’m so comfortable with sleeping while he watches over but I’m not sleeping. I haven’t been able to sleep ever since I left the estate.
Alaric haunts my dreams and all I do is wake up not knowing whether he is in front of me or if he’s going to pop up and kill me.
It did happen but not in the way I thought it would. When I saw him sitting in the booth, my heart had already dropped but now it wasn’t that. None of anything that Alaric said to me has stayed with me.
The only thing that has stayed with me was the fact that he keeps saying Godric is a ghost. My body shakes as I try not to move more than I already have.
“Stop freezing.” Alaric says but I can’t because it’s finally getting to me.
The fact that Godric is or was a ghost yet he was talking to me this entire time is what I can’t grasp.
“I, I, I can’t…” Tears fall. Not because Godric is a ghost but because it means Godric is gone. He’s dead. “Oh, Godric.” I cry out into the pillow harder.
I’ve never been afraid of ghosts or not believed in them.
Our grandmother was someone who talked about ghosts or the people remaining on this earth, who could appear to you if you were open to it.
She didn’t really dabble in that world but she told me a few stories that her grandmother had passed down to her.
Just about how my mother’s side of the family, the Beaudrys, were open to the other side of the veil and that they knew how to help.
They were what you would call helpers to those who need to move on from this wretched world.
Grandmother nor I learned how to do that but even now, it has me wondering.
Asking questions that I’m not sure I can answer myself.
Why did he choose me to see him? Why can’t anyone else in town see him? My mind goes to how caring Godric was with me. How he watched over me as I waited for the bus and his words of saying how I needed to be careful, making sure that I got on that bus.
Godric… Oh, Godric.
“Ah fuck, come on, Juliana. Shut up.” Alaric grits through his teeth but the sobbing gets louder.
He doesn’t say anything else. My mind forgets him as it focuses on that beautiful boy whose life is no longer here. His life is lost.
I feel the bed dip as Alaric climbs in behind me, my body freezes but the tears don’t. He moves in closer, wrapping his arm around my midsection. “Cry it out so there can be some fucking quiet. I don’t even know why you’re crying!” he says with anger laced in his tone.
“I’m sorry.”
“Your ass better be sorry, now hush, Juli. Hush.”
We stay in this position until I’m all cried out but instead of him letting go, I feel his chest rising and falling behind me but I’m too afraid to move. If I move, he might do something crazy, so I stay there. In that position. Not moving a finger for fear that something might make it worse.
Closing my eyes is the only option and in this way, I find myself drifting away into a slumber that I haven’t been able to get since I ran from Alaric.
When my alarm goes off, Alaric still has me in a tight hold.
Slowly, I turn trying to get out of his hold.
In a flash, I’m underneath Alaric as his body hovers over mine with his hand wrapped around my throat.
His expressionless hazel eyes—that I’m used to—have some expression in them today.
I don’t know what it is because he narrows them.
He tightens his hold around my throat for a second until I’m tapping his hand wanting him to let me go.
Alaric smirks and tilts his head.
“Are you scared, Juli? Did you think that I was sleeping so deeply that you could sneak off before I knew about it?” His voice is low and menacing.
“I, I wasn’t. I was going to get ready for the day before I head off to work.” I tell him honestly.
Alaric doesn’t say anything but he does loosen up his hold around my throat.
“Tell me what you do.” He asks.
“I go and spend time at the women's shelter.”
“The shelter?” He repeats like he is translating it into another language that probably involves killing me somehow.
“Yes, I like to help out over there. Sometimes, they need help like picking up things and dropping off some groceries or other tim–.”
“Yeah, yeah, shut up and go get ready then.” Alaric says as he moves off me.
My brain didn’t click or rather it didn’t fully compute that there was a big ass man hovering over me but somehow Alaric made it where my body wasn’t touching his nor did I feel any pressing weight of his body on mine.
Without hesitation, I roll off the bed and grab my essentials as I quickly walk–not run–to the bathroom.
“Don’t lock it.” Alaric says and I want to say something but I don’t.
The quicker I can be in here is how much quicker I can get out.
Since it’s a women’s shelter, I know he can’t come in and I’m banking on that the most. I won’t run or hide but I need some time away from him to figure it all out.
To know what I am doing but I haven’t had the chance to do that because all he does is watch me.
The water pelts my skin as I step into the shower. The warm water turns hot as I close my eyes, letting it hit me in the face as tears fall down my face because the thought of Godric being really gone again has hit me one more time.
I didn’t know him personally but he was good to me.
I should be scared that he is a ghost but again, I’m not.
It’s as if my grandmother knew that this would happen.
That I had to be ready for this moment. He was the first man that stood in front of me and I didn’t feel as though something was going to happen to me.
Maybe that’s why I was comfortable because he always kept his distance.
The shower curtain is pulled back and I turn quickly to see a very much stark naked Alaric climb into the shower right behind me.
“What are you doing!” I shriek.
“Taking a shower.” He says as he moves into my space and reaches behind me grabbing my body wash. “This would go by quicker if we had separate showers but we don’t. Hurry up.” The sternness in his voice has me jumping.
There isn’t a thought in my head thinking that Alaric is going to fill up on me or want me in that way, I just… have never thought we would be in such a predicament, him and I.
I haven’t seen another man naked since Edwin and I blink as I take Alaric in. His exterior is just as hard as his interior. Everything on him seems solid enough that I couldn’t beat him in a fight. His toned legs, body, arms, and chest peppered with hair screams that he’s a full blooded male.
My eyes don’t look up at him but they involuntarily take a glimpse where they don’t need to look at all.
I take a step back away from how heavy and powerful it appears and him but Alaric takes another step towards me.
His soapy hands grab my jaw hard causing me to whimper as he lifts my sight up to his.
There are no words exchanged as he moves in so close that I tremble. Neither of us gaze away instead we’re at war with each other. Not fighting ourselves but rather getting ourselves ready for what is next. The inevitable…
“Repeat who you are and what you are.” The devil demands me.
“We are sealed and we’re not ourselves anymore.
We’ve disintegrated and morphed into one being.
You are you and I am you. I have lost all sense of self.
Juliana doesn’t exist. I am your shadow.
I only take the steps you take and I breathe when you do.
” I grit through my teeth as hot, angry tears fall down from having to repeat something so freaking obscene and degrading.
“Good. Now,” He pulls me even closer as he leans forward placing his forehead on mine.
His lips are on mine but he isn’t pressing for a kiss.
“I’m going to repeat what I first told you and you know what my warning was if you ran away from me.
Your life, your soul, your very being and air is mine.
You can’t do anything without my approval.
There is no running away from me, Juliana.
Your fear, hope and the little bit of joy you’ve gained being here for as long as I allowed you to be, is mine…
I told you that if I had to repeat myself, I would drag you through the mud and much, MUCH worse than the media ever could.
The clothes on your back, your nakedness,” his free hand touches the scarring on my back not caring if I want him not to.
“every single follicle of hair, every scar, and your trembles mixed in with your tears, is mine. It belongs to me. I am and forever will remain your god and devil. That one side could’ve granted you that freedom you craved one day but you fucked it up and now, the other side.
The side you’re afraid of that you can’t seem to sleep because it’s always watching you, yeah…
that side will always make sure you never get far enough to live that freedom.
Continue to pray to me. Get on your knees and beg me to give you a small reprieve from what you’ve done.
Lessen your punishment. Just know everything my hands are on you or when I pull you close, it's not a blessing but a curse. I’ve damned you.
Every single part of you is marked. I give you life and I take it away. ”
Alaric watches me for a moment longer as his words further sink into me as his fingers further dig into my cheeks.
His fingers leave a sickening and burning trail as it moves further up, dipping into my hair and he tugs causing me to grunt. “Shower and let’s go.”
He commands as he lets me go, turning me to face the shower while he continues to rinse off behind me.
My mind and body are confused. Every part of me is gone. I belong to Alaric but I don’t want to yet there’s something that’s changed at this moment… But I don't know what.