Chapter 38
Kissing Juliana is obviously a mistake… right?
That’s the only thing I can rightfully comment about because everything else is confusing me right now. I’ve never been confused about a single thing in my life, I’m Alaric Dean Crowne, I don’t get confused. That’s not something I allow space for in my life.
Neither of us have spoken a single word as we drive back to the house, hell, I didn’t even get to talk to the people I wanted to speak to because I was focused on Juliana.
She’s taken over my mind, hell, she’s taken over my mind more than anything else in these moments. Has it simply been moments or has it been more than that?
I need something. I don’t know what but I need it.
When we get in the house, Juliana goes her own way and I go mine, I don’t have anything to say to her right now. Once I enter my room, I lay in bed, fully clothed, not caring about removing my shoes or anything else.
My eyes don’t wander long as they find her face again of the portrait I had of her and her family up there. Maybe that was a mistake, I should have it taken down or cover it with something else, looking at her now, feels…wrong.
My thumb subconsciously spins my wedding band, one that I’ve never felt like it was burning the shit out of my finger but now, it’s a different story.
I don’t know whether the guilt should be eating me up as badly as it is or if I should go look at Juliana and ask her what the hell she packs in those fucking kisses.
Shutting my eyes doesn’t change anything, instead it feels like I’ve made it worse but I place an arm over forcing myself to think of anything else. I have to get her out of my mind or better yet, back to where she was earlier…
There’s a tiny knock to my door and I know it’s Ricky.
“Daddy… I can’t sleep, can I sleep in here?”
Usually, we go back to his room, it isn’t that I don’t want him in here, I just didn’t want him to see the massive picture of Juliana and ask questions I wasn’t ready to answer him with then but now, she’s here so there’s not much for him to wonder about.
“Yeah, sweetheart, come in.”
The door slowly opens until I see his little self standing at the entrance with his teddy in one arm and the other still holding onto the doorknob.
“You coming in?” I tease him.
“Yeah…can we leave the door open?”
Ricky doesn’t like to sleep with his door shut. There was nothing traumatic that happened to him with it but he just doesn’t like for the door to close all the way.
“That’s cool, come on, little man.”
Ricky runs and climbs into my bed snuggling under the duvet and sheets.
He sighs when he settles into my arm with his head on my chest. There are no words exchanged as I listen to him breathing, thinking about how I used to stay up at night worried sick that he wasn’t breathing.
The feeling of being terrified that I’d lose him has never completely left me but there are moments, slight little rips of time that cause my heart to hiccup at the thought that I would lose my mind without him, he’s my everything.
“You’re sleeping with shoes and a suit in bed?” he asks with a higher tone toward the end of his sentence.
This causes me to chuckle.
“I should’ve changed but something happened to me and I had to take time to think about things.”
He nods.
“Was it about Juli?”
It feels like my heart dropped one loud ass beat in my ear before returning to silent beats after that.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you are staring at her picture up there.”
“I’m just looking up at the ceiling, smarty pants.”
“Noooo, I saw you a buncha times. You look at Juli a lotta.” When Ricky is sleepy, he loses all sense of speaking correctly. It's always been so funny to me and just like every time, it puts a smile on my face.
“It’s a lot.”
“whatsa lot?”
“The words you’re pronouncing, sweetheart but that’s fine, no need for an English lesson right now, it’s sleep time.”
Ricky doesn’t say anything else and as I shut my eyes, he speaks again.
“I think Juli’s beautiful too, daddy.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. She smells nice and she’s not mean to me. She don’t speak a whole lotta but I can tell she watches to make sure nothing happens to me plus I know a secret that you think I don’t knoooooooow…” he sing-songs like he usually does in the morning.
“What’s that?”
He scoots up and leans to my ear cupping his mouth to whisper it as if anyone else in the room will hear.
“I saw you on tv, you kissed her so I know you like heeeeeeer.”
There isn’t a single thing for me to do but damage control.
“No, it wasn’t what you think.”
Ricky leans into the side of my face daring me to face him but I won’t. He’s a lot like me. After a moment, he takes a breath knowing he can’t break me, he goes back to cuddling in my arm and lays his head down on my chest again.
Ricky yawns and settles but he speaks before he knocks out.
“S’okay, daddy,” he says with a shrug. “I like her too. She makes you smile.”
The room is silent including me and after some time, I answer him.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
But it’s pointless because Ricky is out like a light. I kiss his curly head and lay back down, this time boldly staring at the picture.
“What the hell is your problem, Juliana?”