Chapter 4 Get Out of My Bed
Looking down at my phone, I’m still having trouble believing that Vincent hasn’t texted me. I can’t take this anymore—I’m gonna text him. Where r u? I miss u. It’s my birthday.
No, I can’t do that. I delete those words just as fast as I typed them.
I’ve already sent him so many messages since that day, and he hasn’t responded to any of them.
It’s been nine whole months since he passed out during the meeting, and I still don’t understand what happened.
His father was digging into him about Harlow, and he just stared at me before passing out right onto my lap in front of everyone.
After that, I wasn’t allowed to see him for the rest of their trip, because his father and everyone else said he was too sick for company.
It was all so strange, and it made me feel like it was somehow my fault that he passed out—and maybe they were keeping me from him because he didn’t want to see me.
Still, after all the time that has passed, I refuse to believe that—even though that’s the most logical answer. But why would he ignore me? We felt the same that night, and the morning after. I know we did. Well, at least we’ll be together soon…then he can finally give me some answers.
Oh my God, what if he’s gotten engaged to Harlow? What if his father finally convinced him to get married? Vincent doesn’t like to hurt people’s feelings, but he definitely wouldn’t agree to marry her, just to please everyone…would he?
Whenever I get in my head like this, a walk through the port usually helps. Resisting the urge to text or call him, I stand up from my bed and make my way toward the deck. Heading down the hall, I hear my father screaming, “Enough, I’ve had enough! Tell Sivan to get his ass in here!”
Now, I should just go back to my room, but I know that’s not going to work, so I change course and walk straight inside my father’s quarters. “What are you screaming about?” I ask him.
“I’m screaming because you’ve been holed up in your room sulking for the past, I don’t know, nine months or so. Since it’s your birthday, I thought we could go all out before we leave for Rodri’s tomorrow.”
Even though it’s my birthday and I’ll be named captain soon, I really don’t feel like celebrating. I just want to talk to Vincent, but if I ask my dad too many questions about what Vincent’s been up to, he’ll know that my bad mood has something to do with him.
Finding it hard to meet my father’s eyes, I look down at the floor. “Dad, I, uh…how has, um…I was wondering…”
“Lift your head. What are you muttering about? I’m telling you we’re gonna hit the bar together before we leave and you’re, what, upset?” my father asks as he leans back in his chair.
“I’m not upset about you wanting to go out for my birthday.”
“Son, listen, whatever some girl has done to you, whichever one it was, I’m sure it will work out.
Besides, any girl that doesn’t want you, is not worth your time.
You’re destined to run the seas; any woman would be lucky to have you.
If your mother were still alive, she’d tell you the same.
Now, you’re freshly twenty-one, let’s go and hit the pub, huh? ”
He is right, well, not about the girls, but if I can just imagine this in a different way, then maybe I can actually have fun today.
What’s wrong with me having fun? It’s my birthday, and if Vincent wants to act like a coward, then, well, let him.
I’m not gonna sit around and cry about it anymore.
I’ve wasted nearly an entire year obsessing over this.
I’m not even interested in what’s been going on with him.
If he doesn’t care, then why should I? “Dad, how is Vincent?” I blurt out.
What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I ask that?
“Vincent? Well, I’m sure he’s fine. I haven’t talked to Rodri in a few months, left me a message a few months back about—I don’t know, something or other, but I assume all is well. You can ask him soon yourself.”
No, I can’t, because I know that when I see him, I won’t know what to say.
I feel so stupid. The memory of sex with him is all-consuming.
I can’t get it out of my head. I can’t get him out of my head.
Have I been the only one thinking about what happened between us?
I don’t even know how I’ll react when I see him. “Yeah, Dad, I’ll just ask him myself.”
“Good. Now, go get dressed and let’s head out, we’ve got the whole day ahead of us!”
· · ·
The day really got away from us. With all the pre-trip preparations, we’re just now reaching the bar at eight.
As we walk inside Pudgy’s, the room is crowded with people, all staring over, of course.
I feel like they all know, they can all see that I’m not the same guy I was the last time I was here.
I haven’t been to this pub in so long, and the last time I was here, I was happy because I was with Vincent.
Since then, I’ve avoided coming here, blaming it on being too busy with captaincy lessons.
But the truth is, nothing has been fun since we parted. Even rum has lost its flavor.
“Happy birthday, Sivan!” I hear Jenny call across the bar. Oh, I am not in the mood for her today. Please not now.
Luckily, Ersin pulls me to the left before Jenny reaches me. “Happy birthday, ugly,” she says with a crooked sort of smile.
“Thank you, you smelly old fish.”
“Smelly old fish? Is that how you talk to the girl that you love?” she asks me.
“Love?” I drop an eyebrow at her. “Who loves you?”
She playfully pushes my face to the side. “You look bad, what’s wrong?”
Before I can answer, her eyes go wide, and she presses on my chest. “Quick, play dead. Jenny is coming right behind you.”
I step to the left hoping to avoid any physical contact from Jenny. Unfortunately, she was coming from the left, and my shoulder bumps right into her large chest.
“Oh, you’re ready to play already?” she cackles. “Well, it is your birthday, I certainly won’t say no.” She tugs her already low-cut shirt down and shakes her boobs at me.
I close my eyes and wince to avoid looking at them. “No, I’m not interested in that,” I say. “Not tonight. Definitely not.”
The truth is, I haven’t been interested in girls since having sex with Vincent. Even when jerking off, my mind is flooded with visions of him writhing underneath me. The only thing that takes me over the edge is him, and the memory of his hot, hard body pressed against mine.
“Who are you kidding? We both know you’re going to end up with me tonight. I’ve already packed a bag for your place. Don’t play hard to get with me. I want it, you want it. There’s no need for emotional intimacy, which I know that you loathe,” she says, placing her hand on my shoulder.
“I do not!” I shout, pulling my shoulder back from her hand. I suppose I was a bit too loud, since everyone in the bar is looking at me.
“Since when don’t you mind intimacy?” Ersin whispers.
I immediately picture Vincent lying beside me.
I remember what it was like when we held each other.
I could have laid with him in bed all day.
That was the first time I’d ever not wanted to leave after sex.
All I wanted to do was kiss him. But I’m not going to say that.
“I do mind it. I just don’t loathe it, and I do not appreciate everyone in this bar staring at me,” I say loudly.
Most of the people are turning their attention away from me now and going back to their own conversations.
“You don’t mind intimacy?” Jenny scoffs, pressing her body closer to mine. “Well, then why don’t we go be intimate together?”
Just the memory of sleeping with her makes me feel queasy now.
I hate it. The way she felt, the feeling of her being wrapped around me.
All of it makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I sort of feel like I owe my dick an apology, because all the times I slept with girls, I had no idea what it really wanted was Vincent.
“Jenny, please. I don’t want to, not tonight. I want to be alone.” I step to the side, trying to avoid any further contact or explanation. Something tells me that shouting, I’m only interested in fucking Vincent, seems like the wrong choice.
She scoffs loudly, placing her body in front of mine.
My father, who I noticed was staring over for the past few minutes, finally intervenes. “Jenny!” he yells from across the room. “Come here for a moment. Let Sivan mingle with his guests, don’t try to take him away just yet.”
“Coming,” she says, as she purposely brushes her body past mine.
Ersin smacks me three times with the back of her hand. “What the hell was that? What are you getting her all riled up for? We both know you’re gonna sleep with her, anyway. Why bother teasing her?”
I want to tell someone about what happened with Vincent.
I want to talk about the ways I’ve changed and the things I’m feeling, but I’m afraid.
I can still remember the way Matteo looked at us the morning after with those judgmental eyes, dark and ominous.
It was like he wanted to kill us both right then and there.
When he helped take Vincent away after he fainted, he looked back at me in a way that I’ll never forget.
It was like he was telling me with his eyes that what happened was my fault.
I really wanted to punch him, but of course, I didn’t.
I had to keep reminding myself that Matteo was the only other person that knew we’d slept together, and even though I’m not ashamed of it, if what we did got out, there could be many pirates who wouldn’t know how to react to it.