Chapter 10 He Called Me Baby and I Liked It
The cool fresh air feels nice, I’m glad we decided to leave the ship.
Most days I’m stuck in captaincy lessons, well, more recently I’d been doing lessons from my room, and barely talking to anyone other than my teacher.
Walking beside Vincent now is both comforting and terrifying.
Terrifying because I truly feel like I would give up everything for him.
But how can I feel this way? My whole life I’ve never believed in the idea of true love…
am I in love? Is this what it feels like?
I wish my mom were here. If there was anyone that I could have talked to about this, it would have been her, well, her or Vincent’s mom.
They were both so full of love for us, the kind of love that I understood.
They were never angry—just always dancing and having a good time.
I can’t even remember a time that my mother yelled at me, now that I think of it.
Our moms yelled at our dads sometimes, but never at us.
I remember asking my dad when I was a teenager how he was happy with just one person for so many years, to which his answer was that my mother was the most beautiful.
At that time, I laughed because there were plenty of beautiful girls, but none was prettier than the other, I also thought it sounded kind of superficial.
When I laughed, he explained to me that beauty starts in the soul and radiates outward.
Then he said a bunch of other stuff that I don’t really remember.
“Sivan,” Vincent says. “Let’s go over behind the old boat yard. I don’t think anyone will be there this time of day.”
I want to hold his hand, but I…shit, this is why we need to talk.
I can’t just hold his hand. I can’t just kiss him whenever I want…
and all I want to do is kiss him. “Yeah, that sounds good. The port seems calm now. Part of me was afraid that Captain Slicer sent more men, and we may be caught in the middle of a fight.” I flash him my pistol.
“I’m ready if it happens, but still, I hope it doesn’t. ”
“I have my sword for the same reason. It’s crazy that this is happening.
Here we are stuck in the middle of this fucking threat that has nothing to do with us.
What the hell is he pissed about anyway?
Our dads asked him to let them leave his crew; it’s not their fault that he refused.
That was twenty-one years ago anyway, what could my dad have of Captain Slicer’s? ”
I’m looking all around as we reach the dock behind the boat yard.
It’s empty and quiet, which is nice because we have this whole spot to ourselves.
“I don’t know, I think it has everything to do with us.
At the end of the day, there will always be pirates who stand against our way of life, so it’s up to us to show them why we live the way we do.
As for your dad having something that belongs to Captain Slicer, I don’t really know. Is there like a weapon or something?”
Vincent shakes his head. “Nope, don’t think so. Pretty sure I’d have seen or heard about it.”
There’s an old bench at the end of the boardwalk that we’ve come to more times than I can count.
Sometimes we’d come with girls, and sometimes just the two of us.
Our initials along with countless others are carved into it.
I look over my shoulder to be sure there’s no one following us and see that we are completely alone, then take his hand in mine and interlock our fingers.
When our hands connect, I exhale, just being able to touch him relaxes me.
Vincent looks down at our hands, and I notice his lightly reddened cheeks.
Oh my God, he’s actually blushing. He could not be any cuter.
His dimples are going to be the death of me.
One of these days, I’m gonna be in a fight or something and see his dimples, I’ll get distracted and probably get stabbed with a stupid smile on my face.
He giggles under my gaze and bites his bottom lip, avoiding eye contact.
I tug on his hand. “What are you laughing about?”
“It’s just surreal being here with you. I’m your best friend, so I can ask you this: how did we get here?
Not literally here, just here, me and you?
You’ve never wanted a relationship with anyone and you’re here with me, holding my hand.
You’re smiling so much, which really isn’t any different than when we’re normally together, but your smile—it’s changed.
It’s brighter, it just looks different. Do you know what I mean? ”
I lift our clasped hands to my mouth and kiss his hand, then together we sit on the old sea-battered bench.
“I do know what you mean, because I can’t see you the way I saw you before, well, before I realized how I felt.
You’re the same person, but you feel different to me.
Maybe it’s not that you feel different, maybe I’m just aware of the way you make me feel now.
I can’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be near you, and that makes me think I’ve always felt this way and just didn’t realize it. ”
“What are we gonna do? And do you want to actually be together, like in front of people? I feel so stupid asking you that, but I need to know. I don’t want to pressure you, but I feel like—”
I crush his lips with mine and kiss him deeply, holding his face.
A light whimper escapes his lips in between breaths.
I’m trying to kiss him softly, but I can’t help myself.
Vincent deepens the kiss, caressing my tongue with his.
I pull back slowly and press our foreheads together.
“I want to be with you. I will do whatever it takes. I told you this earlier, and I meant it. I will do whatever you want me to do, as long as I can do it with you beside me. If you want to tell everyone, then we’ll do that, if you want to keep it a secret, then…
well, I’ll like that less, but I can wait until you’re ready.
I’m not nervous, Vincent. I’m more worried about the ceremony, and the threat of Captain Slicer, than I’m worried about the crew or our fathers’ reactions. ”
“But doesn’t it make you nervous that you’ve never been in a real relationship before? I’ll probably get on your nerves a lot. Then there’s the whole distance thing—what are we supposed to do? See each other twice a year?”
I squeeze his thigh. “No. I want to be in a relationship with you because it’s you.
With the distance thing, we’ll have our own ships in a few days, remember?
We can do whatever we want, provided a war doesn’t break out.
This is why I want to combine crews. If we join our crews together, then we won’t have to separate. ”
“There is a lot of sense in it, but our fathers won’t allow it. Even putting our relationship aside, they’d be pissed that we didn’t want to do things their way. I can’t see that going well,” he says.
“Yeah, then maybe we should tell them about us. Both of our fathers are pushing us to settle down, what’s the difference if it’s with each other? Right?”
“What am I so afraid of?” he sighs, leaning his head on my shoulder.
I wrap my arm around him and kiss the top of his head.
“I don’t know. We’re not the first men who have liked other men; besides, we’d be telling our fathers that we’re happy, what more could they actually want?
Isn’t that all any parent wants? For their kid to be happy?
By the way, I’m sorry that Harlow brought your mom up like that earlier.
Call me stupid, but I think your mom would have been pretty happy if we ended up together.
” I rub his cheek with my thumb. “I know my mom would have been happy.”
He laughs, lifting his head from my shoulder. “I think your mom would be so confused. She’d be trying to figure out how I ruined her perfect son.”
“What the hell are you talking about? How did you ruin me?”
Vincent holds his head in his hands. “Sivan, I—I just feel like you were okay before, then we slept together and now I’m taking up all of your time and energy, we’re gonna be named captains in a few days, and instead of getting ready for that, you’re out here with me trying to figure out how publicly shunned you’re going to be because of me. ”
I shake my head and lift his chin. “Hey, look at me. What are you talking about? I’m out here with you because I want to spend time with you.
I want to tell our fathers about us, I want to tell them how I feel, but I want to make sure you’re comfortable enough to do that.
I don’t give a shit what anyone says. If everyone we know turns their back on us, then I won’t care, as long as I have you.
Let them leave. I just want you. I feel like I’ve been pretty clear about that.
Relationships are new to me, but am I doing something wrong? I don’t want you to feel like this.”
“You’re not doing anything wrong. It’s me. I just—maybe I don’t feel good enough for you or something. I don’t know. When you were gone, Matteo kept pointing out all the girls you slept with, oh wait. Your dad said you were with Jenny the morning before you left—what was that about?”
“Yeah, I was so wasted that I apparently was talking about my feelings for you at the bar. She somehow got me home, and when I woke up, she was in my bed.”
His eyes are wide, and he’s covering his mouth.
“No, no. Stop. We were fully dressed when I woke up, and she left two minutes after that. She wanted me to explain my feelings for you, which I refused to do. Also, I told her when I was sober that she was not going home with me, believe me, nothing happened.”
He just reminded me of something, but I want to let him process what I said first.
“Why did she sleep in the same bed as you? And what did you say at the bar? Was your dad there?”