CHAPTER EIGHTEEN #2
Now it was my turn to go quiet. I would have felt the same way if our roles had been reversed, and I wasn’t sure there was anything Damon could’ve said to convince me to stay behind.
But he had to stay behind. I wouldn’t survive losing my brother.
If I didn’t find a way to persuade him, I’d have to handcuff him to the porch.
While the words formed in my head, Gil and Seth came into view.
Both of them waved, and Damon and I waved back.
Gil was holding the keys this time, but as far as I knew, he hadn’t gotten a driver’s license in the U.S.
yet. The headlights flashed as he unlocked the vehicle, and they got in quickly to escape the rain.
Gil reversed down the driveway while Seth looked nervous in the passenger seat.
When they reached the road, the vampire peeled away with an obnoxious squeal of his tires, and I rolled my eyes as the sound echoed.
Damon was still waiting for me to say something.
I kept staring out at the yard, wondering what our parents would have done if they’d been there.
Mom always had some ancient legend or story to tell, and Dad was so eloquent.
For the millionth time, I wished we’d gotten more time with them.
There had still been so much to learn. All I could rely on now were my memories.
“Do you remember when we were kids, and we used to catch raindrops with our tongues?” I asked suddenly, turning to look at Damon.
He smiled. “My favorite was the time Dad started to tell us how rainwater can carry parasites and viruses, and Mom got so annoyed that she brought us all outside and we danced in the yard. The neighbors probably thought we were nuts.”
Something in my chest tightened, as if pain and love were trying to coexist in a place that was too small. “I’m surprised you remember that. You were so little,” I remarked.
“I remember a lot of things.” Damon’s voice was soft.
Talking about our parents was exactly what I needed, because suddenly I knew what to say.
I angled my body toward Damon and reached for his hands.
The gesture made him blink, but I felt his fingers curl around mine as I said, my voice edged with sincerity and pleading, “If something happens to me, I need you to live, Damon. Think about your son. What if Matt does turn out to be a Nightmare? There won’t be anyone to help him, or show him how to control his power. ”
“What about Gil? Or Collith?” Damon reminded me.
I pursed my lips and looked away. “They’ll be at the battle.”
I didn’t say it, but I didn’t need to. We both knew the truth, which was that a lot of us wouldn’t be coming back from the Flint Hills. And if things went very badly, there might not be anyone coming back.
Terrible images danced before my eyes. I tried to blink them away, and I found myself staring at the yard again. I looked at the indents in the grass and remembered the moment Laurie had whispered something in my brother’s ear. “What did he say to you?” I asked.
Damon didn’t ask who I meant. He peered out at the yard, too, his jaw still working. “He said, ‘Are you really going to make her lose you again?’”
As soon as he told me, I could picture the moment perfectly.
I heard the purr of Laurie’s voice and imagined that familiar gleam in his eyes, which most people took for ferocity or cruelty.
Only a lucky few knew it for what it truly was.
I made a soft sound of exasperation and felt my animosity toward Laurie begin to fade. “He’s such an asshole sometimes.”
“Yeah,” Damon agreed. “But he’s a smart asshole.”
“That is why they gave him a throne, I suppose,” I said with a sigh. Of their own volition, my eyes went to the window above us. I didn’t see a silhouette or hear any laughter, but I knew, somewhere deep inside where the soul must be, that they were up there. Both of them.
Damon followed my gaze again. “Are you together?” he asked suddenly. “The three of you?”
I tore my gaze from the window, startled.
No one had asked me that before. Hearing the question come from Damon was disorienting, maybe even a little jarring, like waking up from a dream and finding out someone else had caught a glimpse of it.
I didn’t know how to answer, and all I could think to say was, “Would it weird you out if I said we were?”
My little brother smiled faintly, and he shook his head.
“Not at all. I think it works, actually. Collith steadies you and Laurie—I’ve seen it.
And Laurie makes you both laugh, especially when you’re at each other’s throats, or during those moments you need someone to pull you out of your own head.
And all the while, the two of them keep you safe every time you manage to piss someone off or take on the most powerful, evil fucker you can find.
Can’t exactly be upset about that, since my sister is a little prone to chaos. ”
Damon nudged my shoulder with his, and I tried to smile back. Thinking about my situation with Collith and Laurie brought all the uncertainty back, and right now, I had much bigger things to focus on. I needed to be steady.
“We’re not together,” I said finally. I left it there.
Neither of us moved, and I realized that it could be the last time Damon and I were here, just the two of us, alive and well. “Will you do one more thing for me?” I ventured.
“Anything.” Damon said it quietly, but there was no hesitation.
I couldn’t help thinking about how we’d started.
The brother sitting beside me was such a far cry from the one I’d found at the Unseelie Court that, for a moment, I couldn’t speak.
I looked at him again and felt the sting of gratitude in my eyes.
I’d made so many mistakes and done so much to regret, but Damon was the one thing I had gotten right.
“Just … don’t give up,” I told him. “Please. No matter what happens on Olorel, no matter who does or doesn’t come back … promise me that you’ll live, Damon. That’s all I’ve wanted for you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
When my voice broke, Damon leaned over and pressed his temple against mine.
After a moment, the tension eased from my shoulders and I gently pressed back, remembering that I wasn’t someone who avoided being touched anymore.
I was safe, and I was no longer alone. I breathed in my little brother’s scent, and even though it had changed since we were kids, it still made me think of home.
Of our parents. Of a time before Lucifer, or pain, or fear.
My mind filled with the memory of that storm again, and I heard echoes of my mother’s laughter as she twirled and spun, holding onto us so tightly that it never occurred to me to be afraid.
I wanted that for Mattie. I needed to know there could still be good for him, in spite of the world he’d been born into.
As silence and rain surrounded us, I couldn’t help glancing toward the loft window and imagining it—a future for that beautiful little boy upstairs.
The images flew through my head, so full of light and possibility that I ached with longing.
And suddenly I knew how to convince Damon to stay behind.
I straightened and turned to him. Just as I had for Finn, I showed my brother what I saw.
It was as effortless as breathing. The bond between us flared, and we watched as Matthew grew from a laughing baby to a gangly, grinning boy.
One that looked more and more like the grandfather he’d been named after with every passing day …
of which there were many. Soccer games, Christmases, school dances, and all the things that came with life and living.
The sweet-faced boy went to college and became a kind man.
And all the while Damon was there, happy and graying, eventually holding his own grandchildren.
Enjoying countless more Sundays and years with Danny.
“I promise,” Damon said, answering me at last.
Hearing those words made the tightness in my lungs dissipate, just a little, and it felt like I could breathe for the first time in weeks. Damon wouldn’t be at the battle. He’d be here, safe, while I led the rest of our family onto a field of fire and blood.
Now we just had to win.
I exhaled and looked out at the yard once more. This time, I thought about our father. I remembered what he’d always told us after one of us had made a promise. “Nightmares may be lies,” I recited softly.
The corner of Damon’s mouth tilted up in another ghost of a smile. “But we don’t have to be liars.”
I found myself staring toward those distant trees at the edge of the property.
The trees that had become the divide between the life I wanted and the life I couldn’t seem to escape.
I kept my eyes on the churning leaves as I said, “Since you’re not a liar, Damon, I need you to tell me the truth about something.
Why am I failing at this? Why can’t I get anyone else to fight with us? ”
Damon’s posture remained loose, his fingers laced between his knees, but he studied me for a long moment.
As if he was considering. I didn’t rush him.
Instead, I committed this moment to memory, since we probably didn’t have many left.
Fine mist clung to Damon’s skin, and the pronounced curve of his throat shifted as he said, “Since Finn died, you’ve been different.
You’ve forgotten something really important, and I think it’s why you haven’t been able to get your allies. ”
I tilted my head to meet Damon’s gaze, my eyebrows raised. “What did I forget?”
He nudged my shoulder with his again and said, “You’re Fortuna Sworn, sis. You’re not a wolf, you’re a fucking lion.”
I tried to laugh, but there was sadness in the sound. “If you say something about roaring, I’m getting off this porch,” I warned.
Damon just watched me with a shadow in his eyes, as if he was wishing things were different, too. “You’ll find a way to save us, Fortuna. You always do.”