Chapter 23
Chapter
Twenty-Three
Icollapse inside the barn, fevered and wheezing.
The hay isn’t very fresh, but it’s piled up everywhere, and there’s only one animal in the otherwise large barn, so we avoid it and rest for a time.
At least, I think we do. My thoughts are hazy and I’m probably delirious, but it’s not as if I can head to the nearest pharmacy and get medicine.
I just have to suck it up and wait it out.
I curl up, shivering, as Kalos drops his cloak over me and Dingle prances about, nipping at the hem of my cloak. I close my eyes, just for a moment.
As I do, a hand comes out of the darkness, reaching for my face.
I yell out, sitting upright and skittering backward. “No!”
“Elsie. You’re dreaming.”
Kalos’s calm voice doesn’t register. “H-hand. A hand in the darkness…”
“I know. You’re dreaming. It’s one of your waking dreams.” His manner is soothing, chasing away my panic. He strokes my sleeve, trying to comfort me. “Do you know where we are?”
I stare at him, uncomprehending, as the last vestiges of sleep wash away. Right. I fell asleep. “Sorry. At least it wasn’t a horse coming through a painting this time.”
“I would have appreciated a horse,” Kalos says drily. “At least then we could get some ground between us and Seth’s army.”
I haul the cloaks closer to me, shivering.
I still feel sick, but not as wretched as I did earlier.
Maybe the girl will know of some medicine we can acquire from someone if she’s familiar with the nearby lands.
I glance around the shadowy barn, but there’s no lit candle, no nothing.
Just moonlight streaming in on Kalos’s silvery hair. “Where’s the girl?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. She might have gone to tell Seth and his ilk where we are.”
“You didn’t notice if she left or not?” I look around the barn, but all is quiet. “Maybe she just went to rejoin her family.”
“I should have killed her,” Kalos says mildly. “But I didn’t, and now we need to leave. That’s what I get for being kind.”
“No, you shouldn’t have killed her,” I retort, getting clumsily to my feet. My head spins, but I feel better after it passes. “She helped us.”
“Doesn’t matter. Now she’s a problem.”
“Killing people indiscriminately is the problem, Kalos! You’re supposed to be changing your ways.”
The god puts a hand on my elbow, supporting me. “Can you walk?”
“I can walk.” I shrug off his touch, frustration simmering in my belly. “Can you not murder people on a whim?”
He scoffs. “These people don’t matter.”
Is he serious? “They’re people. All people should matter. You sound like Seth right now.”
“Perhaps because we are more alike than we care to think.”
The urge to grab Kalos and shake him has never been stronger.
How is he not seeing this? “But you’re not alike.
Seth is evil because he likes to be evil.
That doesn’t have to be you. You’re the god of disease, yes, but you’re rebirth, too.
You’re medicine. You can do more than just slap plagues on people.
You’re here because you’re supposed to be doing a better job.
And working with Seth? That doesn’t make you better. ”
“You are wrong. I’m here because I’m supposed to kill the other three aspects of myself or get killed in the process.”
I growl in frustration, poking him hard with my finger. “And then what? You go back to the way things were? Because you were so very happy before? And you just forget about me and my life? The sacrifices I made to be here? All that doesn’t count for shit?”
He looks genuinely flummoxed at my anger. “What would you have me do, Elsie?”
“Care! Fucking care!”
Kalos steps in closer to me, his face inches from mine.
His eyes are wild, and I don’t know if he’s going to kiss me or lose his temper.
“You think I do not care about anyone? I care about you. I care about you enough that I made an enemy of another god. I care about you enough that it concerns me, because I shouldn’t give a shit about a mortal, and all I can think about is how I can make you smile. ”
Oh.
It’s hard to stay furious when he says things like that. When his gaze flicks to my lips as if he wants to kiss me, even now, when I’m sick and sweaty and exhausted. “Don’t forget Dingle.”
His hard mouth crooks up on one side in a reluctant smile. “That ridiculous goat. I care for him, too. But he’s a goat and I don’t feel the urge to kiss him or make him happy.”
My heart flutters. “I just…I want you to care about people, too. I know your job is hard. I know you’re being hampered by being Apathy.
But just because people think you’re terrible doesn’t mean you have to lean into it.
You can change their perception of you, but you have to try.
” I realize I’m still twisting handfuls of his clothing, and I release the fabric, smoothing it with my hand.
“I don’t think I can live with myself if we spread plague all over the world.
Maybe you’re used to it, but I’m not. I don’t want people to suffer on my behalf, just because I don’t want to die just yet. ”
He lifts his hand and gently rubs his knuckles over my cheek. They feel cool, which means I’m still fevered. “You are in charge, Elsie. You tell me where you wish to go.”
“Somewhere safe. Somewhere quiet.” I study him. “Can you promise not to spread plague?”
“I didn’t realize I was doing it before.” He lifts one shoulder in a shrug. “But I can try.”
I feel like a jerk. I’ve gotten to know him.
Of course he wouldn’t spread plague on purpose.
He might be disliked, and he might be Apathy, but he’s not cruel for the sake of being cruel.
Not like Seth, who wanted to cut my hands off just because “Anchors don’t need them.
” For a moment, I feel genuinely sorry for Margo.
The moment Seth gets tired of her little aggressions, she’s going to be in a world of hurt.
“I would like for you to try,” I say to Kalos.
“It might not be anything to you, but it truly bothers me.”
His cool fingers trace my chin. “For you, I will try harder.”
And what else is there to say? Because I know his limitations.
I know he struggles, and I know this isn’t easy for him.
I know it isn’t easy to follow me through swamps and fields, when he’d rather sit in a chair and let cobwebs grow over him.
He does this for me, and change won’t happen overnight.
The fact that he’s willing to try is everything.
I lean into his touch, realizing just how long it’s been since someone was affectionate with me.
Even back on Earth, David was never the hugging sort.
He tried to suffer in silence, and I put on a cheerful face for him.
Because I was helping David with finances and his medical appointments, I never had time to date.
Maybe that’s why Kalos’s fingers feel magical as he touches me.
Maybe that’s why I move forward and press my face to his shirt, letting him wrap his arms around me.
He holds me tight, his hand rubbing down my back.
I’m hugging the god of disease, and it’s the best hug ever.
I keep expecting him to move, to push me back, to indicate that he doesn’t want to touch me, to comfort me.
Instead, he just holds me tighter, and I feel his head resting against mine. “I’m sorry I’ve made you sick.”
“I’ll manage. It only happens when you use your powers, right? So just don’t use them.”
“I still hate it.”
“I know.”
He runs his hand down my hair, and I resist the urge to purr like a kitten.
God, why haven’t we been touching like this for months now?
This is amazing. I want to curl up against him and just bask in the gentle touches, the soft stroking, the comfort he’s giving me.
He’d let me, I suspect. He’s willing to follow my lead anywhere.
Which is why I need to make sure I lead us somewhere safe. If I wanted to stay here and let Seth catch us, he’d do it. Not just because it’s what I want, but because he’s Apathy and it’s easier to do nothing. I must remember that.
Reluctantly, I pull from his grip. “We should get going before someone realizes we’re gone.”
“Can you travel?” he asks, studying my face.
“I can.” Because there’s not an option otherwise. I refuse to let Seth win. I refuse to lie down and give up. Bracing myself, I straighten and reach for my discarded cloak.
“Then where should we go?” he asks.
Good question. Where do we go that’s safe?
Where do we go that we don’t spread plague or get hunted by rivals?
Where do we go that it’s quiet and peaceful and we can relax and ride this out?
Not only do we have to avoid Kalos’s other aspects, but we have to avoid Seth now, too.
“Maybe we continue our plan of backtracking,” I say, fastening my cloak around my neck again.
My limbs feel heavy and slow, but I hope the fever fades as we get going.
“We go where Seth left. You know they were watching us?”
“I know. He had a wizard that was scrying upon us, watching from afar. I went and destroyed him before I came to retrieve you.” He says it the same way I’d mention the weather.
It’s cloudy today, with a chance of rain.
I made the wizard’s guts turn to liquid.
Then I’m sad that I’m grateful for the death, because it makes hiding easier.
Dingle’s lead rope is on Kalos’s wrist this time, and I hug my cloak closer as we head out of the barn. “Maybe we backtrack where Seth went, then,” I say as we step into the moonlight. The weather is chilly, but at least it’s clear, with enough moonlight to see the snaking road in the distance.
For some reason, I think of Margo and her ornate necklace. The crystals that came from a place they’d already been. A scholar on the edge of the lands without magic.
If there’s no magic, can Kalos hurt anyone? Can Seth spy on us?