Chapter 12
Caroline wraps an arm around my shoulders and guides me through the rows of books.
‘I’m sorry,’ I stutter out between the tears. ‘I shouldn’t have—’
‘It’s fine. You don’t need to tell me now. Just give it a minute, okay? We’ll be there in a minute.’
Given how each word results in a fresh torrent of tears, I take her advice and remain silent, becoming vaguely aware that we’re heading out of the library when she takes me to a back staircase. Still, I don’t know where we’re going until she pushes open a door and leads me into a simple dorm room.
With one window and only three beds, it’s far smaller than the ones I stayed in at the barracks. Only one of the beds has any sheets on it. The others don’t look like they’ve been slept in for a long time, if ever.
Towers of books are stacked against the walls to various heights, some of which are precariously tall.
‘Scribe quarters,’ Caz explains when she follows my gaze. ‘Some of the other rooms are nicer, but I got one on my own as a trade-off for taking Rohan.’
‘It’s lovely,’ I say, and it is. To get your own space, your own books … there are far worse fates.
‘Yeah, it’s not bad. Now sit down. I want to know what’s going on.’
I can’t tell her everything. I can’t tell her about William, and I still don’t know whether I should tell her about what I learned from Dinah, but I tell her about Kyor, and I tell her about Kay and Jonas deciding to marry one another without a single word to me.
I don’t give the reason for the shotgun nuptials, but I suspect she’s smart enough to work it out for herself.
By some miracle, despite my anger and hurt, her room remains intact at the end of my confession. Nothing is frozen, and I haven’t slipped out of this moment, my vision remaining normal the whole time.
‘Wow, that is a lot for anyone to deal with after everything else you’ve been through,’ she says, letting out a sigh.
‘That’s only part of it,’ I admit.
She offers a sympathetic smile. ‘Well, you can tell me the rest, if you want. Or you can hide away here, if you prefer.’
Hiding away is definitely preferable, but it won’t solve anything. And that’s what I came to the library for – solutions.
Still, I don’t answer immediately. If Llin were here, I would have told her about my Issen heritage. I know I would. And Llin trusted Caz with her life and her heart. As far as endorsements go, they don’t come better than that.
‘I think I have Issen magic,’ I whisper.
Her eyes snap wide. ‘What? Fucking hell, Rose!’
‘I know.’ I sigh.
‘Did Llin know?’ she hisses. ‘Does Benny?’
‘Llin didn’t, no. As for Benny … he’s seen me do some things, and he tried to help me find a reason for why my powers have been playing up, but he doesn’t know for certain yet. He wasn’t at the house when I got back from seeing Dinah, who confirmed it.’
‘Things?’ Caroline arches an eyebrow. ‘You said you’ve done things? What sort of things? What can you do?’
A dry scoff huffs from me. ‘Firing ice at people is one of the key features. And I … I seem to be able to stop people breathing.’ I don’t mention the visions I’ve had twice now – the first time before facing the kraken, and then again in the house – of me sweeping through the air like I’m a bird, because by anyone’s standards, that’s weird.
‘You’ve got to keep it hidden,’ she says unnecessarily as she bites her thumbnail.
‘I know, but I also need answers, and I don’t know how to get them on my own.
Besides, it’s easier said than done. When my emotions flare …
bad shit happens.’ I lower my voice further, even though we’ve been whispering this entire time.
‘I need to know everything there is to know about Issen magic. Can you help me find some resources?’
Her brow pinches as she shakes her head. ‘I’m sorry, Rose. King Korvane burned everything Issen-related years ago. All that remains are maps of the territories.’
‘Fuck.’ I lean back against the wall. The library was my last hope. Some texts, some guidance … hell, even some stories, or half-arsed anecdotes, or folklore. I’d take anything to help me learn to control the magic. Anything.
Anything that gives me any other solution than the one Dinah urged: going to the source itself.
‘I’m going to have to leave,’ I whisper dully. ‘I can’t stay here. I’ll put Kay in danger. If anyone sees me use my powers, they’ll execute both of us.’
Caroline licks her lips and doesn’t disagree. I didn’t really expect her to, but the silence still stings. It’s confirmation that I’m out of options.
‘Where will you go?’ she asks finally.
I blow out a breath. I’ve been considering that since the moment Dinah and I spoke. Without any resources or other ways of gaining help, I’ve got no choice.
Before I can speak, Caroline sees the answer in my eyes.
‘No, Rose,’ she gasps. ‘They’re savages. They’re just as likely to kill you as help you.’
‘I know, but staying here will definitely kill me.’
She grimaces, but once again she doesn’t deny it. ‘I’ll find you some maps,’ she offers instead. ‘I’ll come by later with what I can gather.’
‘You’re a good friend,’ I say, knocking her knee with mine. ‘I don’t deserve you. Not after—’
‘Don’t,’ she stops me. Her face is momentarily stony before she sighs and shakes her head. When she looks back at me, her gaze is far softer. ‘Rose, do you know what my powers are?’
I blink as I consider the question, only to realise with surprise that I don’t. Caroline wasn’t in the Retterheld. She didn’t need to use her magic to survive the way we Rettlings did, and as such I’ve had no reason to see her powers in action. Or at least, I don’t think I have.
‘No,’ I tell her. ‘Actually, I don’t.’
‘Well, it’s not as impressive as some, but I can tell when you speak the truth.
When anyone speaks the truth.’ Her haunted eyes meet mine.
‘Every time you say how much you loved Llinos, every time you say you wish you had died instead, I know it is the truth. I’m angry at her death.
’ She closes her eyes. ‘So fucking angry. I don’t know when I won’t be.
’ She opens her eyes and looks at me. ‘But I’m not angry at you.
Not anymore. It wasn’t your fault she died; it was Holden’s.
And he’s dead. Rose, it was never your fault.
Never. But if you need my forgiveness, you have it. ’
Something sharp and jagged within me eases and a fresh wave of tears threatens to escape.
I had needed it more than I knew.
‘Thank you, Caroline.’
A single tear falls down my cheek, and she brushes it aside. ‘Caz. Call me Caz. And you’re welcome. Now, go. Get yourself home. Get ready. I’ll come by with maps as soon as I’ve found them.’
Home.
It hurts that the place in which I was raised has barely had a chance to become that again, and already I’m planning to leave.
Gods, I don’t want to leave, don’t want to leave Kay and William, but what choice do I have? If I stay, I’ll endanger them, and I won’t do that.
Not for one single moment.
I only realise exactly how long I spent with Caz when I step into the courtyard and see the stars littering the sky. Part of me expects to find Kyor waiting there, Elska at his side, ready to torment me with his presence again.
My masochistic streak is sad that he isn’t.
Still, it’s later than I thought it was, and it’s only when my stomach growls that I realise that other than a muffin I grabbed from the kitchen first thing, I’ve not eaten all day. Not only that, but I’ve left Ruben alone at the house.
I’m sure if he got up and went for a wander he would find Kay, and he’s met both Benny and Summer before, but it hardly feels like the best move on my part. Not when he’s already grieving and alone.
Which is why, when I arrive home, I head straight upstairs to my bedroom. Although when I reach the landing, I stop.
Laughter is coming from Kay’s room. Her laughter, joined almost instantly by Jonas’s. I fight the prickling along my skin. She’s alone in her room with a man. Yes, technically they’re married, but that’s only to cover the mess she got into from being alone with another man.
I hesitate.
What I want to do is storm in and tell Jonas to get the hell out of there, but things are fraught between Kay and me, and I need to pick my battles with her wisely.
This isn’t something I need to fight about now. After all, they are married, and I can’t protect her from her bad decisions forever. So instead, I turn around and head to my room.
Inside I find the bed empty and made, though Ruben’s bag is still on the floor, so it’s safe to assume he hasn’t left yet.
‘I thought I heard you come back. Ruben’s downstairs.’
The voice causes me to spin around on the spot.
‘William? You’re still here?’
Maybe it’s the dark of evening, but I swear my brother has never looked more like our father. There’s something about the way he’s standing and the cut of the expression across his face that make him the spitting image of a younger version of our sire.
As I continue to stare, his expression drops slightly. ‘That’s okay, isn’t it?’
‘Always, yes,’ I tell him.
‘Yes?’ His smile is so nervous it makes my heart hurt, and I hate when the sound of Kay’s laughter causes it to fade into a frown. ‘I know you’re mad at Jonas,’ he says. ‘I am too. But I think he really did hide it from you to keep me safe.’
‘I know,’ I admit. ‘And I’m glad you’ve had somebody there to look out for you like that. Truly, I am.’
‘Me too,’ William replies. A pause threatens to claim the conversation, but before it can, he speaks again. ‘Have you decided what you’re going to do. About, you know … our mother?’
‘I think so,’ I say. ‘But I want to do something else first. And for that, I need your permission.’
A blood vow.