Chapter 47
Ican hear them talking. Talking about me, I think, but I don’t have the strength or energy to even open my eyes, let alone respond.
‘She’s shaking. Her skin is as cold as ice.’ Stide’s voice quivers with … worry?
Worry for me?
Huh.
The Sanning likes me. That’s nice.
My thoughts drift.
‘It’s not just cold,’ Benny says urgently. ‘I told you she was draining herself.’ His teeth chatter as he talks. ‘Her magic … she’s—’
‘Do something,’ Kyor’s voice cuts through the rest. ‘That’s what you do. You warm people, right? Do it!’
‘Yeah, but …’ Ruben’s voice is hesitant. ‘Her clothes are soaked. It’ll take forever to warm her like this, and she doesn’t have time to wait.’
‘Then we take them off her!’ Kyor snaps.
A second later, I feel hands fumbling over me, tugging at my clothes.
‘Rosey,’ Ruben says a heartbeat later, ‘we’re just taking your clothes off. You’re soaked through and we need to get you dry and warm.’
Cold air bites at my wet skin as they strip me down, and embarrassment tries to stir, but it can’t find purchase through the exhaustion.
‘I’m going to have to be undressed too or …’ Ruben begins.
‘Do whatever you need to do!’ Kyor’s voice cuts in with an impatient growl, and it’s followed by another noise that’s remarkably similar – a growl, but one that’s deeper than Elska’s.
Fen’s.
Fen’s.
I try to focus on the protective sound of it, on the strength of it. That means he’s all right, doesn’t it? Surely it must. Yet the question can’t form. There’s a fog filling my thoughts, my body. As I grapple to fight it, I’m struck with a sudden rush of warmth that seeps into my entire being.
The heat reaches every cell within me, enveloping me. Leaning into the warmth, a familiar scent fills my nostrils as I recognise the touch and aroma of the man who has wrapped his arms around me. A moan of relief flurries from me.
‘Not now, Ruben,’ I murmur, lost in the memories of the last time I felt this touch. ‘I’m too tired.’
A half-laugh judders out of him. ‘I know. It’s okay.
I’m just holding you. Let me hold you, Rosey.
Everything will be all right,’ Ruben whispers, his bare legs entwining with mine and warming my skin, his hands against my bare spine as he pulls me closer and soft furs are thrown over us.
I can feel it’s helping. His energy flows deep into my bones, offering me a flicker of strength.
It’s enough for me to blink open my heavy eyes and look around for him. But instead, impossibly, I meet bright blue eyes.
Kyor.
Why’s it always Kyor?
The ghosts of old memories fade, and my mind sharpens to the here and now.
‘Kyor.’
‘Thorn,’ he says gruffly. ‘Come on, love. You’ve got this. You’ve been through way too much to let a bit of cold water kill you.’
He’s kneeling by my side, crouching next to me as I sit there, naked, with Ruben in a similar state of nudity, hugging me beneath the layer of furs that insulates us.
That Ruben still breathes is a miracle as he runs his hands across my skin, warming every part of me.
I meet his eyes momentarily before my gaze shifts behind him to where a shaking Benny is pulling off his own wet clothes and determinedly pulling on dry ones with shaking hands, even as all eyes remain on me.
Poor Benny. He’s been a complete hero, and he is not getting any of the credit he deserves.
‘She needs dry clothes. Preferably warm ones,’ Ruben tells the group.
‘I’ll grab some from her bag,’ Caz says. ‘But I don’t know how warm they’ll be.’
A heartbeat later, a blast of thunder cracks through the air, and we’re all hit by a sudden wall of heat.
‘You can warm the clothes on that,’ Kyor says tightly.
‘You have to stop setting fire to things when you get jealous.’ The words croak from my throat, resulting in a laugh from Kyor.
The belly-deep release is possibly the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard.
‘Yeah, well, you’re naked with another guy right in front of me. I think you can cut me a little slack.’
I open my eyes long enough to see the grin on his face, but before I can speak again, the energy drains and they fall closed again.
I’m drifting, floating. So snuggly.
‘Here, the clothes are warm now.’ Caz’s words cut through my consciousness.
Kyor and Ruben work together, Ruben holding out my limbs as Kyor pulls clothing onto me. Dressed, I’m still cradled in Ruben’s arms. His heating magic is still doing its thing, warming me even through my clothes now that they’re dry too. I open my eyes again.
‘Just to be clear,’ Benny mutters, ‘I helped drag a dire wolf out of a deadly mire, carried Rose out of a freezing river, and yet I remain tragically unhugged.’
Abruptly, Kyor stands, stalks to Benny, and drags him forward by his shirt.
‘Hey! I—’
Benny falls silent as Kyor throws his arms around him and hugs him fiercely. He holds Benny tightly, as if he might squeeze the life out of him. Then he releases him and shoves him away.
Benny stands there for a second, stunned, then scrubs a hand over his face.
‘You’re still not forgiven,’ Kyor growls out and stalks back to me. He picks me up, out of Ruben’s warming arms, and carries me closer to the fire.
‘Rest now, Thorn,’ he murmurs for my ears alone. Well, and Loch’s, too. ‘I’ve got you now.’
A gentle shake of my shoulder awakens me. ‘Here, drink this,’ Thessa says. ‘It will help stop a fever.’
If my brain were properly switched on, I would at least ask what it is she’s handing me, but while my body may have its energy returning, my mind is still struggling to catch up.
I take the proffered cup and sip. The instant the liquid touches my lips, I recognise some of the flavours.
Fennel. Mint. Not a tonic per se, but healing nonetheless.
As the contents slip down my throat, the fog in my brain starts to clear. Hesitantly, I start to sit up.
‘Careful,’ Kyor says, his hands steadying me as I move. ‘You used a lot of magic, and you were in that water for a long time. Your body’s going to need a chance to recover.’
‘I’m okay. I think.’ My eyes open fully, and I see that I’m sat in Kyor’s arms, and my other friends are spread out around the fire. All eyes are on me in a way that makes me faintly uncomfortable.
A thought hits me like one of Kyor’s lightning strikes, and I twist in his arms to seek out his eyes. When those pale cerulean irises meet mine, a thousand emotions flood me, but only one word leaves my lips.
‘Fen?’ I ask him.
Kyor presses his lips together. ‘I assumed you’d already know the answer to that one.’
I pinch the bridge of my nose, frowning.
And then I remember ringed olive-green eyes.
Hello, Little Raven. Fen’s voice is warm in my mind as I gape.
Fen and I … we … we’ve bonded?
I reel in disbelief and wonder. It is the only explanation, no matter how impossible it is.
How is it possible? Fen already bonded with Zelle and was destined for death. How can we have bonded instead?
You risked your life for me. The Gods saw that as enough. Saw you as enough. As did I.
It shouldn’t be possible. I say the words wonderingly to myself. Or at least I assume I do until Fen’s reply comes through.
All things are impossible until they are done once, he says simply.
‘This is insane. Insane,’ I mutter, eyes wide as I stare at Kyor.
Why does the fact that you are worthy of a bond surprise you? his voice questions inside my head. You are far more special than many of the knights of Wrohelm. He sniffs. After all, I know there is at least one you never considered deserving of the honour.
Holden.
He’s right. Of course he is. Not once did I think Holden should have been bestowed with the honour of bonding with a dire wolf, but the fact that Fen knows this … How much does he know of me? Of my life?
I know what touches you most deeply. The rest will come, he replies before I’ve even asked a question. As eventually you will know of me.
As I sit there, waves of grief and gratitude wash through me, but they aren’t only my own. They are also Fen’s.
His loss, his relief, and his fierce, aching thankfulness press into me until I can’t quite tell where his emotions end and mine begin. My chest tightens, and old grief claws its way back to the surface, dredged up by his echoing pain.
It’s too much. I’m swamped, drowning in a tide of feelings that don’t belong solely to me.
‘Rose?’ Kyor asks softly, his voice a steady line through the chaos.
I drag in a shaky breath. ‘It’s … it’s so much to take in.’
He nods, understanding flickering across his face. ‘The emotions are overwhelming at first. Sharing the mental space … it’s tougher than the physical side of it. You need to learn to compartmentalise. To sense him but not be submerged in his feelings.’
‘Okay,’ I say, clinging to his words like a lifeline. ‘And how exactly do I do that?’
Kyor shifts closer, his voice quiet and reassuring, as if he were leading me in a meditation.
‘Start by anchoring yourself. Focus on something that is yours alone. Your breath. Your body. The feel of the ground beneath you. Fen will still be there, but you don’t have to carry everything he’s carrying.
Your breath. Your body. Take in a deep breath, Rose.
Concentrate on the feeling of the air drawing in and then breathing it back out again. ’
I do as he suggests, taking in a deep breath and focusing on the sensation of my lungs rising with the new air before deflating with the expulsion of the old.
It feels right to think of old and new, now that my fresh bond with Fen brings about a whole new future.
I’m bonded. With a dire wolf.
I assumed my childhood dreams of bonding with a dire wolf were exactly that. Childish. And by the time we sank into the slums, I’d let go of the idea, along with so much more.
And now it is my reality. Another gift from the Goddess.
A flicker of warmth brushes my mind, careful this time. Gentle. A caress. An apology.
I forgot, Fen says ruefully, his presence drawing back just a fraction. Forgot how raw the beginning is.
I continue to breathe, to feel the movement of the air, and slowly the pressure eases, just enough that I can hear my own thoughts again. I can feel Fen, but there is a little distance between us now, like I need to reach out to touch him rather than him taking up all the limited space in my mind.
‘That,’ Kyor says quietly, watching my face, ‘is what it feels like when you’re doing it right. Just take your time. This is a gift.’
‘For me, undoubtedly, but for him?’ I murmur, scrubbing a hand across my lips as my heart sinks. ‘The last thing Fen needs after losing Zelle is to be bonded to someone like me.’
Kyor’s expression pinches. ‘Rose, he chose you because of who you are. Besides, without this new bond, he would have died. And for what it’s worth, I think Zelle would be very proud of his decision.’
‘Yeah,’ I say flatly. ‘Better me than death.’ My voice comes out more bitter than intended.
Little Raven … Fen whispers in my mind as if asking permission to speak to me.
I grant it.
I have awaited death for these past moons, willing it to come.
Confused when it did not. My loss burned through me but did not feel as others have described.
As those who have been robbed of their bond have told me.
I was grieving and lost, yes, but my limbs did not feel weak.
I did not feel weak. All I knew was that I had to keep moving.
Every day, travelling. He pauses before he admits, I believed then that I was moving towards my death.
But I do not believe that anymore. I was travelling towards you, Little Raven.
The Gods chose you. And I chose you. I’m sorry if it is not what you would have chosen for yourself.
A lump lodges in my throat as I fight to believe I am misunderstanding. The way that Fen speaks is almost as if he thinks he is unworthy of me. And nothing could be further from the truth.
I would always choose you, I whisper back softly, the words as true as the air in my lungs. I would always choose you.
Reassurance given, Fen’s mind sinks away from mine again and I take a few steadying breaths to help that distance grow. As my mind comes back to the moment, I notice the way Kyor’s eyes are assessing me. Not as a lover’s, but as a commander’s.
He’s done this before. Helped new knights with their nascent bond.
I clear my throat, unsure how to respond.
I start in the only place that I can. ‘Thank you for your help, and for letting Ruben help me.’ I smile and shoot for a little humour. ‘And for still not killing Benny.’
‘I haven’t ruled that out yet,’ he says, and though he flashes me a smile, the humour fades quickly. ‘I was scared, Rose. I couldn’t think. Couldn’t focus. The fear …’
I swallow. I want to reach out to him, but I know it’s too soon, no matter how much my flesh aches for him. ‘Kyor, you don’t have to have all the answers all the time.’
A scoff crackles in the air.
‘I’m the Crown Prince of Morathka. I don’t get to be fallible.’ He shakes his head like he’s annoyed with himself for saying even that much. ‘You’re still exhausted. You need to rest now, Rose.’
Never would I have thought my name could feel so hard, and though I know that’s not the way he intended it to be, any name other than Thorn on his tongue feels like it’s made of stone.
Still, that he speaks to me at all feels like a miracle.
In front of us, the fire spits, sending glowing embers into the sky as the warmth soaks slowly into my bones.
The camp is quiet again. Ruben has his arms wrapped around Benny in the hug of warmth he well deserves. Caz is helping Loch settle in for the night as the Sannings take their places, exhaustion finally beginning to claim its due.
Maybe I should move too, claim my own space away from Kyor.
As it is, he sits barely a hand away from me.
Easy enough to reach out and place a hand against his thigh.
Or to lean forward and place my lips against his.
Both actions would be beyond foolish, and yet words push themselves past the lump in my throat before I can stop them.
‘Kyor,’ I say, surprised by the fear that grips me as I speak. ‘Will you stay?’
He looks at me for a long moment, something raw and unguarded in his eyes, as though we both know I’m not talking of just tonight.
‘I nearly lost you,’ he whispers. ‘I can’t do that again.’
My heart throbs. Nearly lost me? Does he mean because of Benny or because of Fen? And does that mean I haven’t lost him yet?
Tears sting my eyes as I whisper the words again. ‘Will you stay with me?’
This time, his lips press against the top of my head before he responds.
‘Always.’