2
“Stevvy Vulfu’s!” he grunted, his lips touching my jawline as his thrusts began to deepen in just the right way that made my toes curl. “Vulfu’s!” Licking my bottom lip, I leaned into every kiss, every tender caress of his roughened hands. Every movement he made had the dark memories fall farther away from me, into a void to be erased. They didn’t matter. Not anymore. Not now that I was here, with him. Vulfu made me feel free all while cradling me close to hide me from the dangers of the world. How he managed to do both was an enigma I didn’t need answered.
I was his.
That was it. His . All the others, all the pain I endured before, the words that hit like punches, the actual punches that shattered my soul, the way I crumbled apart inside, it was in the past. It had nothing to do with now. I didn’t deserve what happened to me back then. But I do deserve this now . To be happy, to be loved. I deserved this!
Rearing back, I reached behind me to cup the back of Vulfu’s head and turned to kiss him deeply, to which he eagerly reciprocated. His tongue languidly massaged against mine, his pace never breaking for a moment. The only reason I stopped was to cry out when my orgasm suddenly snapped, that overwhelming, hot rush seizing my body. I collapsed beneath him, grateful he was still holding my waist up as he continued fucking me for another minute before slamming home with a final hard thrust and stilled. Whenever he came in me, it always sent a second shivery rush through my system that had me smiling. Knowing a part of him would stay, was the second surprising part of sex Vulfu introduced me to.
Apparently, Stephanie Fields was into voyeurism and getting a little down and dirty, after all.
We moved through the forest as silent as cats when stalking their prey. Or at least, the others were silent. I moved more clumsily, trying desperately to mimic their movements and follow in their footsteps. But with my shoddy eyesight, I often stumbled, wincing in pain and frustration when I stepped on a twig with a loud snap. Luckily, we weren’t hunting. We were foraging, so silence wasn’t completely necessary, but I know it was preferred. I couldn’t help but think of that other group that had attacked us that one day, pillaging our stores and stealing most of our necessities. The thought of the pale skinned men always sent a shiver through my body, and I often opted to not think of them. But moments like this, creeping through the trees and bushes, I couldn’t help but squint uselessly around me, praying we weren’t being followed.
I carried two animal skin satchels around my shoulders and walked between Krahu and Mowha, with Dahkha leading the way and both Kray and Dow flanking our sides. At our backs, Vulfu followed, keeping his family in his sights to make sure no one fell behind, all while constantly surveying our surroundings for a threat.
Veshy remained behind, rather insistently, too. At first everyone else objected, and Vulfu even pointed to Dow, like he was offering for him to stay with her as protection, but she vehemently shook her head, saying a lot of words I didn’t know, but I recognized one. Khuhgwo . Protect. And she gestured at Krahu, Mowha and I. She wanted us to have whoever was available as we ventured into the forest to replenish our stores. Finally, Vulfu relented, though he gathered water skins and supplied her with a portion of dried meat, should she get hungry. She bowed her head to his, bumping it lightly while calling him, aghaal , respectfully.
Even though my eyesight was a serious disability out here, I didn’t want to stay behind either. When Vulfu offered for me to stay for company, I got a sense that he actually preferred it if I didn’t come. He kept gesturing to my eyes and would take my arm and pull me over to Veshy, but I refused. I hated being waited on hand and foot. I was feeling like a serious hindrance and wanted to contribute in some way. While I did help clean the furs and skins, or straighten the inside of the home, it just didn’t feel like enough. It felt like the bare minimum and now that Vulfu had made it clear he wanted me to be an official part of his family, I wanted to do more.
Although…
I still hadn’t given up on the prospect of being rescued. I was torn. I felt like I was being pulled in two different directions. One, be rescued and go back to my life. I’d be with my parents again! Have Christmases with the family, birthdays, or even just their usual loving greetings when I got home from school everyday. The life where… where I was a good girl who kept her head down, too scared to connect emotionally to anyone given my past. So sheltered. Too scared to go out and attend parties with others at my school. I’d go back to being the girl that just wanted to get home at the end of the day and hide in my room. Whose parents would only encourage the anti-social behavior, clinging to me as I did to them. Was I happy living that way? Like a scared little kid trapped in a woman’s body?
The second option was to stay here.
Here, where I meant something to someone. I was beautiful, I was strong. But I also felt incredibly vulnerable without the luxury of modern comforts. And not being able to see was a serious discomfort to me. But… Vulfu.
I peered back over my shoulder at him. He moved on all fours like the others, crouched like a great ape, his light, sharp gaze always searching for signs of danger. Always protecting. The sun bounced off his hair, the silvers glinting in the light. He was remarkable. As I thought about what I actually missed back home, like my parents, bubble baths, hot yummy meals, my bed, TV and music… well, the thought of leaving him behind made my heart clench so tight in my chest I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Shaking my conflicting thoughts away, I resumed the trek, carefully following Mowha along as best I could, though I walked upright, unlike the others.
Finally, after what felt like an age, we stepped free from the trees to a meadow that flanked the river. The river!
Oh my God!
I hadn’t seen that river in weeks and realizing we’d wandered in its direction again brought back that flood of hope I’d had when I first got lost here. Where exactly were we? Had we ventured farther south? Or more north? I didn’t recall seeing this meadow during the kayak trip, so I could only assume it was the latter. I stumbled over to the water, wincing from the fresh cuts on my feet from the hike, and dipped them into the cold current. It wasn’t white water here. It was gentle and easy, far from the chaotic juncture that had completely upended my life. I stared up and down the stream, wondering how far north we were.
Around me, the family had fanned out, staying closer to the treeline than I had, going through the bushes as they searched for food. Right. That was why we came all this way.
Vulfu was watching me closely, his eyes narrowed like he was suspicious of my behavior. Mowha had obviously found me at the riverside. She must have communicated that to him at some point. Maybe he thought I was about to make a break for it? He must have, because next thing I knew, he was heading straight for me at a brisk pace, his brows pulled down angrily over his eyes in that menacing way of his that chilled me. As loving and sweet as he could be, I never forgot what he was capable of. I mean, I did watch this man tear another’s head open.
I stumbled a little as he hurried over and sat on a boulder, quickly bringing up my leg to show him the soles of my feet.
“I hurt myself,” I told him when he closed in on me, overwhelming me with his presence. Just that morning, he’d woken me from a dreamless sleep by eating me out with a frenzy. I’d gasped and automatically went to close my legs, but he pressed them down, spreading them wide as he feasted like I was the most delicious thing he’d ever tasted. And he didn’t stop until I cried out at least three times. Then he fucked me while I lay there, trying to catch my breath and slow my heart. But he wasn’t being a loving partner now. He was being the leader, the head of our family. He was all seriousness and authoritative, and if he didn’t like something one of us was doing, he would make sure to correct us. And right now, I was the one that needed to be corrected.
I thought he’d give me a push or direct me over to the others. But the moment I held up my foot, he stopped and ducked low to closely inspect the fresh grazes on my feet. I still hadn’t toughened up from being here, mostly because the others seemed to like carrying me around everywhere. Even to Kray and Dow I was tiny, and they all treated me like a doll. Vulfu especially. Ever since he claimed me as his over Mowha, he often found excuses to carry me. And whenever he spotted me in the arms of another, he’d find an excuse to come over and steal me away from them. So, the bottom of my feet were super sensitive and prone to gashes and blisters.
Vulfu inspected my feet and very tenderly, he held them in his massive, roughened hands, cradling them as he looked over the fresh wounds. They weren’t bad, but enough that a few were bleeding just a little.
“Stevvy…” he rumbled, sounding both pained at the sight, and frustrated that I’d wandered for so long on them. He raised his sharp, grey-green gaze to me, clearly upset, and directed my feet back into the cold water. “Brahda, Stevvy.”
Bad, broken, not like.
“I don’t like it, either,” I said to him, sucking in a breath as I forced my feet to stay in the chilling water. “But I need to toughen up. Stevvy need to be shvuoy. Strong,” I said to him.
Vulfu made a face, like he disagreed. I knew if he could have it his way, he’d just carry me around for the rest of his days, or at least, for as long as he physically could. But I had no idea when a search team would come back this way, or if they ever would. Until then, I needed to make do.
The search team… again, that squeeze in my chest at the thought of leaving Vulfu. I quickly shook that thought away and reached up with one hand to touch the hollow of his cheek, turning his face back to me. With the bright sun shining behind him, his tanned skin and dark hair, his eyes seemed to glow, and I felt my breath catch.
“Kiss?” I asked, pointing to my lips. I’d tried teaching him more words in English, but very few stuck. That one, however, kiss, was one he learned quickly. The moment I asked, the corners of his lips pulled up and he eagerly leaned in to press his mouth to mine. Before I knew it, his tongue crept in, massaging against my own. If there was one custom of modern society he liked most of all, it was definitely kissing. His hands came up to cradle my face as he eagerly kissed me deeper, nipping at my bottom lip just a little, before he delved in again.
“Vulfu!”
A shout from downriver, from the trees, shattered the picture-perfect moment and in an instant, we both snapped back to reality. Vulfu turned, his body blocking mine, like he feared an attack and he barked in the direction of the call. “Bip bip?”
“Bip, bip!”
He relaxed a little, but instantly, reached for me, and slung me effortlessly over his back, so that I held onto him like a backpack as he hurried towards the call, racing with great speed. We rounded a corner of the river to find a pile of rocks and boulders, with Kray standing high on top of them, staring down into the water with a mixture of curiosity and shock on his face. He pointed at something we couldn’t see, and Vulfu hurried over at once, climbing up the pile to Kray’s side to take a look. I wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders and scooted forward so I could see, and when I took in what we were looking at, I felt my whole body still.
Lying in a mess amongst the rocks below, were the remains of a deep blue kayak. The front part of it was mostly in pieces, shattered and floating forward and back into the shore, while the back half sat lodged in the stones and debris of fallen branches and leaves.
“Wahoe? Wahoe!” Kray cried, staring at with a blend of fear and uncertainty. The rest of the family had come over to see what was going on, and all appeared just as confused and somewhat scared of what they were seeing.
I, however…
Sliding off of Vulfu’s back, I began to climb down towards what had once been my kayak. Mine. Seeing it again was like I had suddenly awoken from whatever dream I’d been living in the past few weeks. Ignoring the pain in my feet, I made my way down, ignoring the objections of the others. Stepping into the knee-deep water, I carefully bent over a bit to peer into the remains of my kayak.
“Stevvy, chomm!” Vulfu snapped, clearly not happy with me being so close to this alien object.
“Mmuh, Vulfu,” I told him, shaking my head and pointing to it, “Cht Stevvy’s. This was mine. Cht jugra Stevvy,” I explained. At this, he went completely still, like he had turned to stone, and watched in silence as I searched through the kayak. I could hear the others murmuring to each other, and as I struggled to reach into the dark mess at the backend of the kayak, there was a light splash, and another set of hands reached in to help. It was Mowha.
When she pulled out my backpack and purple sleeping bag, I became so excited that I jumped up and down with joy and immediately reached for them. Mowha wordlessly passed it to me, and I stumbled over the rocky ground out of the water to the shore to go through my things. The others gave me a wide berth, but I was barely aware of them as I ripped open my bag so I could rummage through it, hoping that some things had been saved.
But before I could even stick a hand in, the bag was suddenly ripped from my hands. Vulfu held it away from himself, like it was something dangerous, and climbed to the highest point on the rocks, as if he was getting ready to throw it into the river.
“Vulfu no! Wait!” I cried, my heart stopping at the thought of having something so close to home back in my grasp again, only to have it taken from me again.
His arm was held way back, poised, looking like a discus thrower, ready to set a world record, but he paused. Thank God , he paused. His gaze flickered to me from under his lashes, the anger clear on his face. I stayed where I was in the water, hands held out, like I was showing him I wasn’t hiding anything from him, and I pleaded as tactfully as I could, given our language barrier.
“Vulfu… cht,” I pointed to the bag, “jugra Stevvy. Jugra!” I said, pointing to my chest. “It’s mine. It’s from my home. Hum. Stevvy’s hum.”
But that was evidently the wrong thing to say. At the mention of another home, a place he didn’t know, a place that wasn’t here , was all he needed to make up his mind. With a mighty swing, he threw the bag, and I watched in horror as it sailed through the air and landed with a heavy splash downriver, disappearing from view for a moment, before a small part of it bobbed to the surface, flowing far from me around the bend.
I sank into the water, the numbness of the moment overpowering as I watched helplessly. I’d been hoping for so many things in that bag. Matches, for one. That would have been nice. To cook some meat or warm up to a fire would be heaven. I tried to tell myself that most likely the matches were ruined anyway, that even if Vulfu hadn’t thrown the bag away, it wouldn’t have mattered. But there were other things in there I was hoping for…
A book I’d brought along on the trip… again, the water would have probably ruined it. Clothes… not that my deerskin wasn’t practical, but I had sweaters and pants in there. Utensils… a knife would be useful, but they had their own tools for cutting, so no big loss. Tissues. Again, most likely ruined from the water. A pair of sunglasses, non-prescription, again no big loss. My flashlight, that I highly doubt would be functioning by now. Some food, no doubt mouldy after sitting in a wet bag in the heat for weeks.
I tried to reassure myself with these thoughts over and over again. It’s no big loss , I told myself. It was all just… stuff. Nothing of value. Nothing important. But seeing it again, having that sense of my life outside of these woods back in my grasp, only to be thrown away so quickly hit me hard. I sat in the water, not realizing how cold I was until Mowha began to fuss over me. She tried picking me up, but I shook my head and pushed her back, not meaning to be rude, but I needed to be alone. She rubbed circles on my back, still fussing, her face etched with worry at my reaction to Vulfu’s decision to throw my old belongings away.
The others were all staring at me, too. All looking worried, but also casting looks of doubt to their leader, as if they disagreed with his call. But I was too distracted by my own feelings to think about it any further. I sat in the water, my dress getting soaked through, my body shivering hard, as I stared at the spot in the water where my bag had last been seen. I was vaguely aware of the others talking, like they were arguing. Even Dahkha was talking back to Vulfu, who remained where he was on the rock, and I tried to tell myself not to hate him at this moment.
“Stevvy mmuh gawar hum!” Vulfu was growling, pointing to where he’d thrown my bag. “Mmuh! Stevvy jugra aghaal! Jughra Mowha! Nawah hum!”
Stephanie no old home. No. Stephanie belongs to leader. Belongs to Mowha. New home.
I let out a long, heavy breath at his words. Vulfu was adamant that I would never go back to wherever it was I’d come from, that was clear. I doubted that even if I was found again, that I was taken from him, that he would even be able to adapt to modern society. There was just no way.
While my feelings for him were strong and indescribable, I wasn’t sure that I was ready to just give up on my old life.
I had no time to dwell on it any longer, as the moment Vulfu finished his speech he climbed down from the rocks and scooped me up out of the water without another look to the others. All he did was hold one of my arms aloft, showing off the tattoos on my wrists, “Stevvy hum! ” he said one last time, before he headed back into the trees. Discussion over. He held me to his chest, my face pressed between his muscled pecs as he wandered through the forest, calling out to the others to follow with a sharp, “ Chomm! ”
The others came along, obedient once more, and continued to forage while Vulfu patrolled the perimeter around us, only this time he carried me with him, refusing to put me down for a second, like he thought I’d run away or be taken from him. I was still shivering, still in shock and a mixture of confusing and conflicting emotions over what had just happened, but I mostly felt numb.
It wasn’t until he sat on a large, fallen redwood trunk, climbing up and sitting in a sunny spot, that I sort of snapped out of my cloud of dissociation. He removed the animal skin satchels I’d been carrying, handing them off to Krahu who came to collect them, and he set me in his lap, like he was ready to have some sort of discussion with me.
I looked up at him, my legs resting on either side of his waist, spread wide, my arms loose at my sides. I probably looked like my old Raggedy Ann doll; limp and lifeless. Vulfu took my chin in his hand, tilting my face up so he could look into my eyes, his expression of utmost seriousness and severity.
“Stevvy,” he rumbled, one of his fingers slowly stroking my cheek again and again with that familiar fondness. “Mmuh gawar hum. Mmuh. Stevvy guh? Vulfu rragh.”
I’d heard that last word before. He’d used it mostly in regards to Kray and Dow when they were misbehaving or stirring up a little too much trouble in the home. So, when Vulfu used it now, I couldn’t help but shiver at the promise in his tone.
Stephanie no old home. No. Stephanie go? Vulfu punish.
He gave my chin a tiny shake, his eyes shining in earnest as he wished for me to understand. But he didn’t have to worry. The message was clear. I managed the tiniest of nods, given how tightly he was holding my chin, and he relaxed just a little. Enough that he let go, only to wrap his thick, muscled arms around my body to crush me against him as he hugged me hard, rocking us slightly side to side.
“Vulfu gwuhk Stevvy. Khuhgwo Stevvy. Gweed. Stevvy mmuh guh.”
Vulfu likes Stephanie. Protects Stephanie. A lot. Stephanie no go.
I felt my heart jump at his words. No matter how simple, how basic the speech of his people was, the sincerity and emotion behind each one hit harder than any poetry I’d ever heard. I couldn’t help but wrap my arms around him as best I could, given his size, and hugged him back, tears pricking my eyes.
“Stevvy gwuhk Vulfu gweed,” I said to him, stumbling a little with the words. “I like you a lot, too.”
The smile on his face threatened to crack it, it stretched so wide. Though, as always, without showing any teeth. He leaned in and gave me a little kiss, before moving to my neck to add a little lick there and continued to hold me. We stayed that way until the others finally came over, the sacks bulging with food, a rope of fresh fish tied around Dahkha’s neck, everyone ready to return home. With a final nod to the others, Vulfu transferred me to his back like a baby gorilla, and headed off into the trees, the rest all falling into formation.
I peered longingly over my shoulder to where I knew the remains of my kayak were, still wishing I had a chance to go through it. I tried committing this path to memory, noting the sun and which direction this would be… northwest to a degree, any unusual natural landmarks, etc. Maybe one day I could return here.
Vulfu gave my thigh a little smack. Startled, I looked forward, only to catch him watching me over his shoulder as he prowled through the bushes. He’d caught me and had obviously put together what I’d been thinking. When he gave me a warning growl, I reluctantly pressed my cheek to the smooth planes of his back, holding onto him tight. Satisfied, he focused on the trees around us, watching as always, and lingered a little to the back of the group, making sure no one was left behind. Mowha passed us, her eyes flickering from Vulfu to me like she still disapproved of his behavior, but as loyal as always, followed in line.
The sun was setting at our backs, the light changing from golds to orange and pinks, to purples and blues. As we made our way through the shrubbery and leaf filled foliage of the woods, I could make out the faint glow of fireflies drifting alongside us. For a moment, I forgot about the despair I’d felt back at the river, and the conflicting feelings I had for Vulfu. Right now, in this pale light with the fairy-like bugs sailing along the leaves, it felt magical and otherworldly. I couldn’t ignore the beauty of it. All unlike the buzzing electric and smoke-filled world I’d grown up with.
If being rescued or simply walking out of here was as impossible as it felt, maybe it was best I let go as Vulfu wished, and just accept that this is my life now? I hadn’t heard of any further search teams in the area. Escaping on my own was completely out of the question. Perhaps I had to get the idea out of my head and just move forward this way?
But it was hard to just accept it, as this world was so different from my old life. It was going to take time, and I doubt that I’d ever be able to completely let go of the hope of seeing home again.
As we broke through the treeline to the clearing of our redwood and boulder sanctuary, I tried to let a little piece of the past go, but it was going to be a long time before I would truly accept it.