Chapter 63
Iswing my bedroom door open and find that my bed, desk, and collection of horror movie posters are all gone and replaced with an entire replica of Dinah's old podcast studio, except the equipment is all new.
Dinah is sitting next to Brandon, who clutches an IntegriTruth coffee mug in his hand.
“You couldn't pick, I don't know, any other room in the house?” I shout.
“You can sleep in the living room,” Dinah says. “You're moving out soon anyway.”
“Unless…” Brandon chimes in.
“Unless nothing. Why are you here, you creep?” I ask.
“I happened to see your hospital bill. Welcome to adulthood!” Dinah snorts.
“That's a big bill to pay for an eighteen-year-old,” Brandon says.
“Do we have Ruslan?” Dinah asks, looking at her laptop.
“I am here,” a voice with a Slavic accent says from the screen.
I point at Brandon incredulously. “Why is he here? He's a total pedo. He flirts with every guy my age!”
“Hello! I'm pretty sure he's married!” Dinah says. “You gay guys always insist every other man is gay, when really it's your own wishful thinking!” She crosses her legs and dismisses me with a wave.
“If you'll excuse me, I'd like to get down to business,” Brandon cuts in.
Ever since Bundy has been out of the news, he explains, his customers have been spooked by recent media revelations that the government leaked files about potential contact with aliens.
At the same time, he's also starting a new cryptocurrency venture with Dinah and Ruslan.
If they can convince everybody that a gay UFO is heading to Earth to colonize us while the elites profit, maybe they'll put all their money in their cryptocurrency program to keep it safe while we fight off the aliens.
Not only that, but this would solve the huge rift between the Brandonites and the Dinahmiters.
“But how can UFOs be gay?” I ask.
“Wow!” Ruslan speaks, his laugh ringing from the laptop. “I thought anybody or anything could be whatever gender or sexual orientation they want over there in the magical West.” Dinah perks up in her chair, laughing.
“I know, right? Gulag for me!” I hit back, then tell him to shut the fuck up.
Brandon clears his throat. “Anyway, if you can create us several sample gay UFO transmissions using AI and help with the marketing, we'll give you a cut of the profits.
Which can, in turn, help you with that mighty big bill you've got in your… lap now.” He licks his lips.
“Come to think of it, I'd help you get a better job than the one you have now, Wade.
“I've always felt a calling to serve the American people. I might run for office in the next few years. If you want to join me on this journey, I'd guarantee employment with a healthy salary.” He winks at me.
“Why don't you pay some tech genius to do this instead of me?”
“Because,” Dinah says, “you're the only person on earth I know who fucks up so bad that they inadvertently succeed.”
“No!” I shout. “Dinah, we had an agreement. You said I didn't have to do this anymore.”
“The situation's changed, Wade. You're in no position to reject such a generous offer. Good luck paying that bill. And have fun living in your van after you graduate. On the other hand, maybe I'd be willing to extend your stay here if you're willing to help us out.”
This isn't even her house. It's the family house. She has no right to kick me out. But she still can, and I'll be homeless… and up to my neck in debt.
I let out a long, defeated sigh and take a seat.