Chapter 75
It's the end of July and, to nobody's surprise, it's miserably hot outside.
We hold a goodbye party for Ruby, who's being sent off to an alligator farm in Louisiana now that the town has officially declared her a nuisance animal.
We did a fair amount of protesting to prevent the authorities from shooting her outright for maiming Clint.
To be fair, she didn't kill him. She saved me!
She was doing what an alligator does. Like a wandering spider does what it does, or a tornado, or rats in a kitchen.
No lies or performance. Just being their authentic selves.
We can blame nature for its dangers all we want, but there's nothing we can do about that unless we blow up the earth.
The way I see it now, there are two swamps: one with animals that will bite you, and one with humans that will grift you.
The animals are trying to survive, not sell you a fake cure.
The humans are trying to get fame, money, and power, all at the expense of everybody else.
You could say this is our gay little alligator prom.
I'm wearing a shirt I decorated with a cute alligator that has two plastic rubies for eyes.
I wrote her name across my chest in big red letters.
Roland is holding a sign that says WE'LL MISS YOU, RUBY!
He and Felix are both wearing burnt orange UT shirts.
It's settled: They'll be roommates there in the fall—and not only that, I'm sure.
Ruby's such a big gator that two wranglers are hardly enough to pull her into their truck. A piece of rope is tied from the truck and wrapped around the top of her snout. She hisses and pulls back as the men try and pull her forward.
“Stop hurting her! She saved my life,” I heckle the wranglers.
She trips one of them with her tail, and he falls into the water. Felix and I laugh at this swamp circus, just like that time in the bushes we were laughing at Clint and his wife.
They get Ruby into the truck and slam the bed door shut. At least she won't be swimming in that toxic water anymore. I hope she's happy, wherever she goes. She's better than this place.
Speaking of leaving, it's Byron's last full day in town.
We have a celebratory lunch at Whataburger, where we recount our favorite bad-taste memories of our senior year, the year that cursed us with a fascist takeover of our school district by a sparkling sex pest, my evil aunt and her freeloading boyfriend, an imaginary gay Sasquatch that turns you gay, a real spider that inflates your dick into a balloon, and an opening night of a musical so bad that theater kid campfires from now to the end of civilization will never be without someone to share the legend.
We tap our jumbo-size foam cups together, toasting to our survival. And for the first time ever, as I share this moment of life and laughter with these three guys I love and the feeling that the worst is all behind us, survival doesn't feel like punishment.
Since we're still in Oyster Pit, there's not much else to do except go to the movies afterward. We decide on the new Marvel movie showing in IMAX, but the tickets sell out after Felix and Roland get theirs. Fortunately for Byron and me, there's a slasher movie right up our alley: Worst First Date.
“That's okay,” I tell them. “This is a great opportunity to take Byron to his first horror movie.”
“The popcorn is gonna hit the ceiling,” Byron says.
“Are you sure?” Felix asks me, putting his hand on my shoulder. I nod. Byron and I get our tickets, and the four of us enter the lobby.
“Later, palligator,” I say, poking Felix.
“After a while, queer crocodile,” Felix says. He and Roland start for the IMAX theater to the right. As Byron and I head into our theater on the left, I turn one last time and stare at Felix, who also glances at me before he disappears behind the door.