Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
Ella
I woke up early and drove to the feed shop.
I picked up some warming plates to keep Bliss, Jumper, and Wolfy’s watering dish from freezing and got a couple of extension cords, too.
I got more hay and chicken feed as well.
By the time I got home, I was already tired, and my stomach still felt off from the day before. I must have eaten something bad.
Just as I was unloading everything, Seth’s truck pulled up behind my car.
He stepped out with an air compressor and two cups of to-go coffee.
I rolled my eyes. “I assure you I can handle this.” I glared at the air compressor. I was going to rent one tomorrow and find some videos on how to blow out the sprinklers.
He nodded, handing me a cup. “Hot chocolate from Maggie. Word got around that you aren’t ready for winter, and now I gotta help or she won’t feed me.”
I burst into laughter. Maggie withholding a good meal from her grandson was quite hilarious. And my heart was softer towards Seth after his note. I couldn’t imagine losing your wife and your child. He seemed so normal, so unbroken. So, not like me.
“Well, alright. I can’t have you starving on my account,” I told him and hefted one of the hay bales before dropping it with a groan.
He picked up two bales as if they were made of feathers and looked at me. “Where do you want these?” he asked.
I chuckled, grabbing the smaller heating elements, and ticked my head towards the barn. We walked over there together, and I wanted to mention something about his note so that he didn’t think I was insensitive for not acknowledging his loss.
“‘Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted,’” I said, and he gave me a small smile.
“Thought you might have tossed it into the fire without reading.”
I gasped. “Do I seem that bad?” I asked as I flipped the latch on the fence that led to the run in front of the barn.
He shrugged. “Not bad. Just…lost.” He set the hay down by the other bales inside the barn, and my heart pounded wildly in my chest.
Lost. He’d called me lost. Was I?
Yes, that was exactly what I was.
My face must have betrayed my hurt, because he peered at me with wide eyes. “Hey, I didn’t mean anything by that. I just meant—”
I waved him off. “No, it’s fine. I guess I am lost.” Putting a name to how I felt actually made me feel a little better. Who wouldn’t be lost after what I’d been through?
I set the heaters down and started to untangle the extension cords.
“It’s okay to be lost sometimes,” he told me as he picked up one of the other cords and began to unravel it.
“Were you lost after…” I didn’t want to say it. It felt too heavy. To lose a spouse was one thing, but a child? I couldn’t imagine.
He blew air through his lips. “You have no idea. Never was a drinker. I hated the taste of the stuff, but when the doctor told me they were both gone, I went to the nearest bar and drank myself into oblivion. Maggie had to come to get me, and I woke up the next day feeling like I was in hell. I just wanted to numb everything.”
Wow. I hadn’t expected such an open and vulnerable response. Sometimes, I wondered if my father had been numbing some sort of hidden pain with all of his drinking.
I nodded. “I get that.” He had witnessed my firewood breakdown, after all. “Did you turn away from God?” I asked.
He looked at me with pity and shook his head. “No, I leaned into Him. It was the only way I survived. Things got real dark and…” His voice broke. “If I hadn’t opened my Bible and gone back to church right away, I probably wouldn’t be here.”
I tried to control my reaction, but I knew what he was talking about.
“The opposite of me.” I chuckled.
Seth glanced at me then with a serious expression. “I wonder if God put you here as my neighbor so that Maggie and I could help you through this.”
I swallowed hard. I’d wondered that, too, yesterday, but I hadn’t said it.
“Though you’re not doing a good job of letting us,” he added.
I reached out and whipped him lightly with the cord.
He grinned. “Stubborn woman, aren’t ya?”
I put one hand on my hip. “You want me to call Maggie and tell her you aren’t helping?”
He looked genuinely terrified at that. “You trying to starve me?”
I shrugged. “You better start learning to cook so she can’t threaten you anymore.”
He nodded. “That’s an idea.”
We both smiled and settled into winterizing the farm. Seth flushed the irrigation lines so the sprinklers wouldn’t freeze, though two of them already had, so he’d had to repair them first. He also fixed a small leak in the metal barn roof and gave me tips on the animals and frostbite.
As he was leaving, I invited him inside for a minute and ran to the fridge. He reached down to pet Honey, leaving whatever judgments he had about my pet chicken to himself.
I came out of the kitchen with one of my favorite cookbooks. It was easy enough for beginners and had beautiful pictures.
I handed it to him. “So you can learn.”
He took the book, and when his gaze landed on the cover, his face fell.
Something was wrong. “Oh, I’m sorry I—”
He waved me off. “No… It’s time.”
I frowned, not understanding what I’d just done to offend him.
“Scarlett was an amazing cook,” he admitted. “She never let me in the kitchen other than to do dishes. She joked it would keep me married to her because I’m such a foodie,” he said with a smile.
Oh… Oh, shoot. I’d stirred up his memories of her.
“I guess I stupidly feel like, if I learn to cook, then she’s really gone.” He laughed. “She’s been gone four years, so I know that sounds dumb.”
I shook my head. “No, it doesn’t.” My throat tightened. “It’s like that with the firewood for me. I broke that night because it was the first night I really realized my partner in life was gone.”
I’d never thought I’d be having this kind of conversation with Seth. That he would understand exactly what I meant. It was nice.
Seth nodded. “Good thing you have an amazing neighbor to do it for you.”
I laughed. “Lucky me.”
I walked Seth out, my stomach feeling queasier by the second.
“Maggie wanted me to invite you to church this Sund—”
“No, thanks,” I told him curtly.
He nodded and tipped his hat to me. “Good day, Ella.”
“Good day. Thanks for all your help,” I told him and closed the door.
The nausea ramped up ten notches then, and before I knew what was happening, I ran to the bathroom and threw up my entire breakfast.
Well, at least I’d gotten the winterizing done before I got the flu.
I spent the next four days mostly in bed, fatigued and nauseous, but with no fever or body aches.
I used the excuse to binge-watch my favorite show with Honey.
I’d told Seth that I was sick, and he said he would hold off on his vet looking at Jumper until I was better.
He also offered to feed my animals every day and turn them in and out of the pasture.
I took him up on the kind offer because I was sleeping twelve-hour days and my animals would be starving by the time I woke up.
It was on the fifth day when I was rooting through the bathroom drawer after lunch for some hand lotion that a horrible realization hit me.
No.
I pulled the maxi pad out of my bathroom drawer with a shaking hand.
How long had it been since James died? When was my last period?
No. God wouldn’t do this. No way.
I ran to my phone to check my period tracking app and realized I was two weeks late. My chest tightened, and my breath came out in shallow rasps.
“You wouldn’t do this to me,” I whimpered as my hands went to my belly.
I’d wanted to have babies with James since the day I married him. I’d always wanted to be a mama, but not like this—never like this.
I raced down the stairs, and Honey ran after me, clucking nervously.
After grabbing my purse and my coat, I slammed the front door and leaped into my car, taking off for town.
I stopped at the first convenience store I could find and bought three pregnancy tests.
Then I headed for Blessed Bakery. There was no way I could do this alone.
I would absolutely break if I was pregnant with James’s child.
When I pulled into the parking spot, I growled when I saw the sign saying they were closed. It would have to be Maggie, then. I headed for home, and when I passed my little farmhouse, I prayed for the first time in weeks.
‘God, don’t do this to me. Please.’ It was a silly, futile prayer, but it was all I had.
I pulled into Seth’s driveway and ran up the stairs to the garage with the bag of pregnancy tests clutched in my hand. I pounded frantically on Maggie’s door with tears in my eyes. But no one answered.
“Hey, Ella,” Seth’s voice called behind me, and I froze.
“Where is Maggie? I need help with something.” I spun around, clutching the plastic bag to my chest with unshed tears in my eyes.
He frowned at my appearance. I was still in pajamas, my hair was a mess, I wasn’t wearing make-up, and I was holding this plastic bag like my life depended on it.
“She’s at bridge club and won’t be home for several hours. Can I help?” He looked genuinely concerned for me.
I whimpered, slowly walking down the stairs as I handed him the bag. I couldn’t even say it out loud. I didn’t have the ability to even process this right now. I’d been throwing up for the past four days straight and hadn’t eaten much. I felt weak and emotionally in shock.
He took the bag from me with a confused expression and opened it, peering inside.
Then he looked up at me with so much compassion that I almost burst into tears. “Oh, Ella. Let’s go inside.”
My bottom lip quivered. “Don’t you have work?”
He was wearing gloves, boots, and a hat.
He took his gloves off and held out a hand for me. “Work can wait.”
I took it, my own hand shaking but finding strength in his as I blinked back tears. Then he led me to his house. We stepped inside as he took off his boots and his hat.