Chapter 17
Chapter Seventeen
Ella
We had a cute little two-person Thanksgiving, just my mom and me.
Anna had to go back to Portland and promised to come in another two months toward the end of January.
My mom bought a ton of baby stuff for me before she left for Paris, and I shoved it all into the guest bedroom, which I planned to turn into a nursery eventually.
Now that I was working full-time for Seth, time was flying by.
Another month passed, and suddenly, Christmas was upon us.
I’d promised my mother I’d fly out to Paris to be with her for the holiday.
It was a good excuse not to stare at my empty house.
I had no heart to put up the tree James and I had bought together during our first year of marriage.
One of our traditions was buying a new ornament each year. I couldn’t bear to look at them.
“Thanks for driving me to the airport,” I told Ruthie as she drove slowly along the highway. Snow fell in large clumps as it piled around us.
“Of course.” She smiled. We’d gotten close on our Wednesday night group hangouts.
Christmas was in four days, and my flight to Paris left in three hours.
Seth and Maggie were going to care for Honey and all the other animals while I was gone, and I’d gotten paid holiday leave from work.
I was pretty sure I could ask for anything and Seth would say yes, but I’d never take him for granted like that.
He was the kindest man I’d ever met, and I was starting to feel guilty for some of the feelings I was having for him.
I was a new widow, and it was a confusing time, so I pushed all those thoughts and feelings into a box inside of me and locked them up.
It wouldn’t be right to James’s memory to be thinking like that about a man so soon after he was gone.
To be honest, I was ashamed of myself for having such thoughts.
My phone chimed, and I pulled it from my purse. “Probably my mom wondering if I’ve checked in yet,” I told Ruthie and glanced at the notification.
An email had come in: Your flight has been canceled due to weather was written on the subject line.
I frantically opened the email and scanned it.
“No!” I said. “My flight’s been canceled due to weather.”
“Oh no. Should I turn around?” Ruthie looked over at me with concern.
I sighed. “I guess so. I’ll have to try to book something else. I’m so sorry.”
She waved me off. “Nothing to be sorry about. It was nice to see you and catch up.”
She took the next exit and headed home while I called the 1-800 number at the bottom of the email and tried to get put on another flight. I was on hold for so long that Ruthie had dropped me off at my house when a woman finally answered.
After ten minutes of begging her for any flight to Paris or even anywhere in Europe that I could take a train to see my mother, she told me that everything was booked until after Christmas, and a big snowstorm was coming in that had shut our airport down.
That’s when I hung up and cried. My house was bare, with no tree, no lights, nothing to denote my favorite holiday because I hadn’t thought I would be spending it here.
And now I was all alone, pregnant, and without my mom.
Anna was in Costa Rica, and this was officially going to suck.
My gaze flicked to the pink Bible now with over fifty little Bible-verse notes from Seth sticking out the top. Every day he left wood, he left a verse or a note. I’d come to look forward to them.
“What do you want from me?” I asked God. “You want me to sit at home alone my first Christmas without James?” A silent tear rolled down my cheek, and I was so ashamed to admit that I was still angry with God and losing my faith more and more every day.
“Are you even real?” I asked, wiping my eyes. I used to be so sure, but now, I didn’t know.
There was a knock at the door.
I quickly crossed the space, pulled the door open, and fell into hushed silence when I saw the group of aptly dressed carolers, including children.
“Away in a manger, no crib for his head.” They sang in perfect unison, and it was like a shock to my heart.
Like someone in a coma waking up after so long.
The feeling I normally got when I felt the Holy Spirit overcome me in church or deep prayer came to me then, capturing my entire body and bringing me near tears.
“The little lord Jesus lay down his sweet head,” Tthey sang, and the tears overflowed my cheeks.
I was enraptured by the song, the timing.
The feeling I’d been missing this entire time hadn’t been James.
Well, it had, but really what I’d needed was Him.
It was God. And He filled me up now to overflowing.
Something I didn’t feel worthy enough to receive after how I’d treated Him these past several weeks.
When they finished their song, I cleared my throat, thanked them, and shut the door. Then I fell to my knees sobbing, begging God to help me out of this hole I’d fallen into.
“I just don’t understand why You took him from me. How could you?” I begged God, my hands clasped, hoping to hear His voice or get a gentle nudge with some amazing answer that would make James’s death make sense.
But there was only reverent silence.
I went to bed that night feeling less mad than the night before but still confused and sad about why bad things happened to good people. And if I was being honest, I was still mad at God. The man who’d raised Lazarus from the dead couldn’t keep my James from getting shot? Of course, He could!
I felt the wall I’d built around my heart, the one the carolers had broken down with one song, begin to rebuild itself.
God was all-knowing, right? Then He knew James would die.
He knew I would be pregnant. And He knew I’d have to raise this baby alone.
What did that say about how much God loved me? For Him to allow me to go through that.
I fell asleep clutching my belly, with sorrow in my heart and tears on my cheeks. I had just enough faith for one final prayer.
Save me, Lord. I’m drowning in grief, and I’m giving up on you. Don’t let me lose faith.
The next day, there was chopped wood at my doorstep and a note.
Ruthie told me what happened. Spend Christmas with us? I have two brothers and twin nephews with ADHD. It’s really rowdy and loud. They will barely notice you. A few guys from work come as well.
Festivities start at 4pm. Maggie says to bring a pie.
-Seth
I smiled at the letter and sighed, struggling with guilt at that moment.
Why couldn’t Seth be ugly? Why did he have to be handsome and available?
It made answering these things hard. Though he’d never tried anything romantic with me or led me to believe in any way that he was interested in me like that…
I still felt guilty. Like it was a stain on James’s memory to spend so much time with Seth.
But it wasn’t just Seth… It was Maggie, too, and some of the guys from work who seemed harmless.
I pulled the smaller torn piece of paper from the bottom of the note and read my Bible verse of the day.
“Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” - James 1:3
I shook my head. Lord, if you’re allowing me to be tested, I’m going to fail. I don’t feel strong enough to survive this. Raising a baby alone… Living without the man you promised me. I can’t.
I had known from the moment I met James that he was a gift from God. As we fell in love, God showed me that he was to be my husband. I just couldn’t fathom bringing us together only to allow us to be torn apart so young. If there was a bigger picture, I was missing it.
My phone rang with a local number I didn’t recognize, and I picked it up.
“Hello?”
“This is a collect call from Idaho County Jail. To accept this call, press one.”
What in the world? I hung up. Scammers were getting weird nowadays.
My mom was devastated that we couldn’t spend the holiday together; she’d even tried to get a flight here to no avail, but I assured her I wouldn’t be alone.
It was Christmas Eve, and Seth’s family party was tomorrow, so I wouldn’t be alone for actual Christmas, but Christmas Eve was one of my favorite nights, too.
I would open one present as a child on Christmas Eve, and my mom and I would bake all the pies.
Honey was back inside with me after I’d put her in the barn for what I’d thought would be my Paris trip. The house was depressing though. I hadn’t put the tree up because I’d thought I wasn’t going to be here. Now, I looked at the blank space and debated getting the courage to put it up.
My phone buzzed with a text, and I pulled it up to see that it was from Seth.
Seth: I have this tradition where I get hot chocolate and drive around to look at Christmas lights. Wanna come? I can pick you up in ten minutes. Maggie is busy baking and won’t be coming.
That sounded nice but also…romantic in a way that I knew I was overthinking.
I wasn’t used to being single and hanging out with other men.
He didn’t think it was a date or anything, right?
Because I was not ready for that, and I wasn’t sure if I ever would be.
I really just needed a friend right now, and if Seth hadn’t been male and handsome, I would not have even been second-guessing this.
Seth: Just as friends, obviously. =)
I chuckled. He must have known I’d be freaking out a little. After all, he was a widow, too, and I didn’t see him dating anyone new.
Me: Okay, but I’m in pajamas…
I looked down at the long-sleeved chicken-printed PJs that clung to my growing belly bump.
Seth: Oh good, pajamas are required.
I smiled. Now that he’d clarified we were just hanging out as friends, I felt like all the pressure was off.