Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ella
I sat across from my husband’s killer and expected to unleash all of the unbridled rage that was coursing through me.
But the second I looked at the young man’s face, and then at the cross that hung from a necklace at his throat, I felt a sliver of compassion and pity slice through my fury.
He wouldn’t meet my eyes, and his gaze held a shame and brokenness that made me pause.
“You’re pregnant?” His eyes lingered on my swollen belly, and his voice sounded haunted.
Yes. He’d killed a father and left me a widow and a single mother, but what good would come from me saying that aloud? He knew.
“Say what you want to say, and then I’m leaving,” I told him flatly. I didn’t want to be here. On the phone, he’d said he had something to tell me about James’s last words. That’s the only reason I was here.
I glanced at the door where Seth stood, poised and ready to strike if this man tried to hurt me, and I felt safe.
The young man nodded and then finally met my eyes, and I was struck again by how young he looked. He was nineteen years old and was going to spend his life in prison for James’s death. Still, it was a small amount to pay for taking the love of my life.
“I was high on drugs when I robbed the pizza place,” the guy told me.
I nodded. I’d heard as much from Seth.
“I just wanted, like, a hundred bucks so I could score my next hit and ride the high,” he said, and I scoffed.
“You killed my husband over a hundred dollars?” I couldn’t help it. I was mad.
He looked down at his lap, stricken. “Yes, ma’am.”
Well, at least he wasn’t denying it.
“I had the gun pointed to the side of the cashier’s head. I was so out of my mind that, when your husband tried to calm me down and asked me to talk, to put the gun down. I…just… I thought he was going to tackle me or something, and I wouldn’t get the money I wanted, so I… I shot him.”
There it was. So simple. He’d wanted a hundred bucks, but James had been standing in his way, so he’d ended his life.
I stood abruptly, the chair scraping behind me as tears blurred my vision. I didn’t want to be here anymore. I’d thought this might bring closure, but it was such a senseless killing that it was throwing me back into grief.
“I would pay a billion dollars just for one last hug from him,” I managed to say through my tears and then turned to leave.
“Wait, please. I have to tell you how your husband saved my soul,” the man pleaded, and it was like I’d been drenched in cold water.
Saved his soul? I eyed the cross at his neck again and frowned. What was he talking about?
I peered at the door, where Seth was rocking on his heels, ready to swoop in. I gave him a reassuring wave and sat back down.
“You have one minute,” I told him, sitting back down. “I’m not here to make you feel better.”
He nodded. “The second I saw your husband go down…and all the blood… I freaked out. I have never hurt anyone before in my life. I didn’t mean to kill him.
I wasn’t thinking. I dropped the gun and ran to his side, shocked at how things were unfolding.
” The young man’s voice broke as he fought for composure, and again, a sliver of compassion tamped my rage.
The young man looked up at me then, his eyes brimming with tears that spilled onto his cheeks when he blinked. “When I looked down at your husband, I’ll never forget the words that came out of his mouth.”
My heart beat wildly in my chest. What had my sweet James said to him with his last breath?
“He said, ‘I forgive you.’”
Upon hearing that James had said, “I forgive you,” immediately after being shot, I burst into tears, feeling so much pride. It was so James. He’d truly been the better half.
The young man nodded. “And I broke in that moment. I sobbed and told him I was so sorry. He reached up to comfort me, grasping the side of my face and…” The young man’s eyes were wide now, and I leaned forward, not wanting to miss a word of his story.
“The drugs fled from my system the second he touched me like a supernatural force smacked into my body and ripped the addiction away. I haven’t craved them ever since. He…he healed me, ma’am.”
My mouth opened in shock. “What? What do you mean?” Had I heard that right?
“I mean that I was so high on drugs that the walls were wavy around me, and when your husband touched me, clarity entered my mind more than ever before. I wasn’t high anymore. I didn’t crave that floating feeling. I was…empty but clear-headed.”
James had healed a man of addiction? I just couldn’t believe it. Miracle healings happened in the Bible plenty of times, but my sweet James? Chills broke out in my arms. Had God used my husband for something greater than I could even fathom?
“What happened next?” I croaked out, instinctively knowing that wasn’t the end of the story.
For the first time, the young man beamed at me, and the smile took five years off his face. He looked like a young boy. “He told me I felt empty inside because there was a God-shaped hole in my heart, and I needed Jesus to fill it.”
Tears flowed down my face and onto my pregnant belly.
“I was trying to stop the bleeding and told him I was so sorry for shooting him, and he said that doesn’t matter now.
What mattered was that God loved me and wanted to use me for great things.
He…prophesied over me.” The man looked shy now.
“He said I would do great work for the kingdom of God if I just opened my heart and let God in.”
I smiled then, unable to be angry at such beautiful words, especially because they’d come from my husband.
“I called out to Jesus right then and there,” the young man said, “and the moment I felt the peace settle into my spirit…your husband smiled and breathed his last breath.”
Tears streamed down my face as I sat back, and we both just let the silence linger over us as I processed his story. James, healing, prophesying, and saving a soul before his death. It sounded just like him.
Had God purposely put James in such a situation to save this young man’s soul? Maybe not. But we were creatures of flesh in a fallen world ruled by the enemy. As humans, we did dark things, and maybe God used this man’s dark thing as a blessing by making James’s death not be in vain.
I was reminded then of a Bible verse. “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
It felt like a thousand-pound weight fell away from my shoulders then. All those calls from the county jail, all the time the peace I needed was right here, and I pushed it away. The baby kicked, and I smiled, reaching out to rub my belly.
“Thank you for telling me,” I said to the young man. I didn’t think he’d ever know what his story had brought me.
He nodded. “I’m Andre.” He held out his hand timidly.
I could honestly say, at this moment, I felt no ill will towards him. It was clear he wasn’t the same man today as he’d been when he shot my husband. And Seth’s sermon about forgiveness had opened my heart. Especially now that I knew those were James’s last words to him.
“I’m Ella, and I forgive you, too,” I told him, taking his hand.
He squeezed my hand, burying his head into the crook of his arm as he fought for composure.
“Tell me, Andre. What are you going to do with your life now that you have a fresh start?” I mean, jail wasn’t exactly the fresh start he probably wanted, but he was drug-free and had God.
I believed that whatever James had spoken over him was from the Holy Spirit and that God had big plans for him.
He released my hand, wiped his eyes, and nodded. “I started a Bible study group in here. Some of the guys can’t read well, so I read it out loud, and we all learn together.”
The tears were back, and I smiled. “That’s good. That would make James proud.”
The man reached out timidly for my hand again, and I grasped his fingers. “Please know that a day will not go by that I do not repent for what I did. I’m so sorry for what I took from you and your unborn child.”
I nodded. “It’s okay.”
He looked shocked at my response and shook his head. “It’s not okay, but I appreciate it.”
“James was a strong believer. Being absent from his body means he’s present with Christ. It’s okay.
This human life is fleeting. We should all really be more focused on eternity,” I told him, and he again looked shocked at my words.
I was shocked at my words because I hadn’t been living those words over the past several months.
“You’re very gracious, ma’am. I wish you the best.”
I squeezed his hand, feeling a tugging in my chest, like a knock at the door of my heart, and I knew I was ready to speak to God again and forgive Him.
I wished him well and then stood, walking over to Seth as I wiped my eyes. When I reached him, his face was filled with worry.
“Are you okay?”
I sighed. “No, but I will be. I need to go home now and pray.” It was time to get right with the Lord.
Assuming He’d even take me back after how I’d treated Him the past several months.
My anger had melted to wonder and admiration that God had somehow used James’s final moments to save a soul.
And that now that soul was starting a Bible study in prison.
It was like a ripple effect that the Lord only knew how far it would go.
Seth appeared surprised at the praying comment.
He nodded and held the door open for me as we stepped outside together.
Sometimes, this life was a mess, but like the Apostle Paul said, God could turn anything for the good of His people who loved Him.
James had loved Him, and now Andre loved Him.
And what had been a senseless killing, God had somehow turned into a miracle.
Seth was silent the entire drive back to my car, which still sat on the side of the road, gassed up and ready to be driven home.
He never pestered me for the details that I was sure he wanted.
But I noticed his nervous side glances, so when we were ten minutes from my car, I told him everything Andre had told me.
Seth listened intently and then nodded. “I wished I would have gotten the pleasure of knowing your husband better. Seems we would have been good friends.”
There was no truer statement. Had James lived, I was sure Seth would have invited us over, and I allowed myself to dream for a second of the friendship they might have had.
James asking Seth all the questions about farm life.
Seth asking James to go to men’s night at church. It would have been beautiful.
“The Lord had other plans, I guess,” I said. finally submitting to the fact that God knew more than I ever could. He was the master chess player, and I couldn’t see the whole board.
Seth glanced over at me before returning his eyes to the road. “Trusting God can be the hardest thing sometimes, but that’s faith. That’s the walk that Jesus asked us to walk. To trust that the Father will protect us, provide for us, and ultimately bring as many lost sheep home as He can.”
His words touched my heart, and I nodded.
“I don’t think God purposely put James into a life-or-death situation to save that young man’s soul, but…He certainly knows how to reach the lost,” I admitted.
Seth nodded as I wiped away a stray tear.
It had been an emotional day, and now I was the one who felt lost, so ashamed of my behavior that I wasn’t sure I even wanted to go to God and ask for forgiveness.
I wanted to shove it all under the rug and pretend that I hadn’t ignored Him, cursed Him, and pushed Him away the last several months.
All while growing a beautiful little miracle in my belly.
It was disgraceful. I felt sick over it. I was scared to approach Him and scared He’d reject me.
I nervously rubbed my hands on my jeans as Seth pulled up to my car.
“You need company?” he asked.
I gave him a sweet smile. “I’m okay. I gotta do this alone.”
He knew. He knew what I was going to do.
He knew I was going to try to find my way back to God.
It felt like an insurmountable task right now.
I’d spent so many nights angry at the Creator of the universe.
I’d sobbed, I’d screamed, and I’d asked why a thousand times.
I’d punched pillows and yelled, “How dare you!” a dozen times while thinking malice at my heavenly Father.
Like a teenager having a tantrum, I’d even told Him I hated Him.
As I opened the door to step out of his truck, Seth caught my arm. “Remember the parable of the prodigal son?” he asked.
I did. Of course. It was one of my favorites.
In it, a younger son asks his father for his inheritance early, then leaves home and wastes all the money on reckless living.
When he ends up broke and starving, he decides to return home and beg to be a servant.
But when the father sees him coming from a distance, he runs to him, embraces him, and throws a big celebration, overjoyed that his son has returned.
“That’s how it will be when you turn back to Him. I promise you,” Seth told me.
Seth had no idea the hateful things I’d said to God or thought about God. He had no idea.
I nodded, giving him a small smile, and then thanked him for the ride and waddled outside. I got to my car and unlocked the door. When I peered to look back at the truck, I saw Seth, his head bowed and deep in prayer.
I knew then that he was praying for me. And I’d take all the prayers I could get.