Chapter 44
Chapter Forty-Four
Ella
“Merci beaucoup,” I told the café worker as he gave me my croissant.
I stared at the ringless finger on my hand and remarked on all the progress I’d made in my healing journey.
My first three months in Paris, I barely remembered.
I was keeping two humans alive, two adorable humans who were about to turn one year old in two weeks. I couldn’t believe it.
Then, I’d started to venture out into the city in the daytime while Jaqueline, my part-time nanny, watched the twins.
And it was in those long walks around the city, the hours of reading my Bible on a park bench and talking to James like he was still right next to me, that I came to peace with my situation.
James had been my best friend in the whole world, and the greatest promise that Jesus gives us is that, if we believe in Him, we will see our loved ones in Christ again. I was clinging to that and ready to move forward with life now.
Andre continued writing me letters from prison, telling me about how many souls he was leading to God and about the changes he was making in prison.
It made my heart glad, and I could honestly say I’d forgiven the young man.
He truly wasn’t the same person as the man who’d shot my husband. He was a new creation.
I passed by a beautiful church and reflected on my relationship with God.
I’d been so angry in those early months of James’s loss.
I’d gotten so far away from God, and now, I couldn’t be closer.
I wanted God in my life every second of every day.
I wanted Him in my children’s lives. I prayed in everything I did and felt fuller spiritually for it.
And I knew I might not be in the healed place I was… if it hadn’t been for Seth.
We texted weekly, mostly pictures of the twins and Honey.
But I found myself missing him in a way I’d never thought possible since James died.
My mom had been hounding me about the twins’ one-year birthday.
The original plan was to move back to Idaho and have it there, but now, the twins had friends here, so my mom suggested having their one-year party here and also having it be a going-away party.
The thought of going back to Idaho without any help, to that house that I’d planned to spend my life with James in…felt weird. But staying here forever didn’t appeal to me, either. Because staying here meant never seeing Seth or Maggie or Honey again, and I wasn’t okay with that.
With a sigh, I sat down at my favorite tree and clutched the notebook of letters I’d been writing to James this past year.
It felt like the culmination of something great, and I was ready to take the final step.
I’d left Seth with a note that asked him to wait for me, but I had no idea if he had or if he was dating someone.
Our texts were very superficial. Which I’d wanted and needed in the beginning, but now, I was ready for more.
With a sigh, I began my last letter to my beloved late husband.
James,
I think this is my last letter to you. You know I have a lot to thank you for. Because of you, I know what to look for in a man. In a partner, in a father for our children, in a husband. You’re irreplaceable, so he won’t be just like you, but maybe just a fraction of you will do.
I have a confession, my darling. Inside my heart, I’ve been growing feelings for another. I struggle with guilt over this, but then I remember the conversation we had where you said you just wanted me to be happy.
Seth makes me happy. He would make the twins happy, too.
You would love him. I don’t want to let you go, but…
I’m ready to move on from this season in my life.
The season where I smell your shirt before bed and cry.
The season where chocolate-covered pretzels make me think of you.
Where I pass a man who looks like you from behind and my heart stops, thinking, in some alternate reality, you are still alive.
I’m ready for a new season. A new journey that I can’t take you on.
But I know we will meet again, and I just want to thank you for loving me the way you did when you were alive.
You taught me how to recognize a good man with a passionate heart for Jesus.
Love always,
Ella
Tears streamed down my face by the end of the letter, and I closed the book and nodded, blinking away tears.
That was it. My journey felt complete now. And I was ready for a new one. It had been nearly two years since James passed, and I felt like a completely different Ella.
I’d been waiting for this moment to come for months. The moment when I felt ready to step out of one place and into another, fully healed, fully ready to be present with something new.
I peered at my phone and did the time conversion. It would be early morning in Idaho, but not too early for a cattle rancher.
I dialed Seth, a little anxious because I had no idea how he was about to react to what I was going to say. He’d once asked me if I would ever consider him as more than a friend, and I’d basically asked him to put a pin in that thought for over a year.
He picked up on the first ring. “Is everything okay?” He sounded panicked. I never called unannounced.
I smiled. “Everything’s fine. Can you talk?” I asked.
“Yes.” He sounded hesitant, like he was expecting bad news.
“So the twins’ first birthday is coming up in a few weeks. I had intended to come back to Idaho for it, but they’ve made little play friends…”
“Oh. You’re staying.” I could hear the hurt in his voice.
“Well, for the birthday, yes. But then I’d like to move back to Idaho the week after.
I don’t think I can travel alone with the twins, and my mom is about to go on her book tour.
I was wondering if you would want to fly to Paris for their birthday.
I could show you around town and then you could fly home with me and the kids and help me manage the chaos?
” It was a lot to ask, but my mom was about to go on a book tour for her book, and she couldn’t help. Anna was engaged, and Maggie was older—
“I’d love to,” he said instantly, and I relaxed a little. I should have known that sweet Seth wouldn’t have changed.
“I know it’s short notice. I’m not even sure how expensive tickets will be. I didn’t really think this through. I just…can’t imagine the twins turning one without you there.” I spoke from my heart.
“I’ll be there no matter the cost. Maggie can watch my shadow.”
I frowned. “Your shadow?”
“Honey. We’ve become quite close. You might not get her back.”
I grinned, my stomach doing somersaults. “I miss her.”
“I miss you,” he blurted out, and my breath hitched.
A warmth spread throughout my chest at his words. “I miss you, too.” There was no guilt, just joy.
“I’ll send you my flight info,” he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice.
“Okay.” I felt genuinely giddy at the thought of having Seth in Paris for a week. We could go to my favorite café, and I could show him the park and, of course, my favorite willow tree. It was going to be amazing.
When we hung up, I was absolutely buzzing. From the day I’d given birth, the Lord had pressed upon me that Seth was going to be a special part of my children’s lives. Now, I felt ready for that. And looking down at my frumpy jeans and T-shirt, I realized I needed a few new dresses.
I clutched my journal in my hands. Countless letters were inside, over a hundred. Each and every one was to James. And I was ready to set them free.
I walked over to the trash can, kissed the cover of the notebook, and tossed it inside. “Goodbye, my love.”