Bailey
You always see those posts on social media about moms and babies getting to leave the hospital together, and everyone looks so happy.
I never thought I would be that woman that has a baby and doesn’t get to leave the hospital with her.
I don’t get to go home with my baby when I leave here, and that really fucking sucks.
“Momma?” I say quietly, “can I ask you something?”
“Anything, my girl.” She says.
“Is it wrong that I want to send Daniel a text, letting him know that Rowan was born?” I’ve been having this debate in my head for awhile now, “I know he said he wants nothing to do with either of us, and I’m one thousand percent okay with that.
As far as I’m concerned Aiden is her dad, but I don’t know.
” I adjust myself on the bed. “I feel like I need to give him one more chance? Maybe? I look at her.” I point to the computer screen, “And all I can think is ‘how can someone just walk away from her so fucking easily?’”
I have such mixed emotions when it comes to Daniel.
On the one hand, Aiden is going to be the best fucking dad to that little girl.
He loves her to the moon and back a thousand times over and she’s just over an hour old.
He has loved her from the moment those two pink lines popped up.
But on the other hand, Daniel is her biological father.
And while I know it takes more than DNA to make a dad, I want to be able to look my little girl in the eye someday, and say “I tried everything I could, and baby girl, it’s his loss.
” I don’t want there to be any doubt that I gave him every chance to know her.
I want her to know that he made the biggest fucking mistake walking away from my girl, but I could never hate him because he gave me her.
“I think it couldn’t hurt. Just one text with a picture, her name and the stats from her birth maybe?” Momma says, “If he doesn’t respond well, or at all, at least you can say you tried.”
I nod my head and grab my phone from the bed next to me. I skip all the texts from our friends and family congratulating me and open a new text.
Bailey: I know you said you didn’t want to hear from me, but I thought I would let you know that Rowan Elizabeth Michaels was born today at 2:47pm.
She weighs 4 pounds 1 ounce, and is 13 inches long.
I had to be induced at 34 weeks and 5 days due to preeclampsia. She is doing well in the NICU so far.
I add in one of the pictures Aiden just sent me and hit send.
I’m honestly not expecting anything back, but he will never be able to say that I didn’t reach out, that I didn’t give him a chance.
I toss my phone on the bed next to me and look up at Momma, “I know I don’t say this very often, but thank you,” Tears begin to well in my eyes, “Thank you for all you’ve done for me my whole life.
I am so grateful for the way you’ve taken me into your family.
You didn’t have to do that, but I will never be able to repay you for everything you’ve done for me. I love you so much Momma.”
Momma grabs my hands in hers, looks me into my eyes with her own watery eyes, and says, “My sweet girl, I have said it a million times, but I’ll keep saying it until you believe me.
I may not have given birth to you, but you are as much mine as the four I did give birth to.
Plus, we all know I love you more than Aiden.
” She winks. “I’m so grateful every single day that Aiden declared you his best friend that day.
When he came running into the house telling me he had met the prettiest girl he’d ever seen and he was going to marry her someday, I thought he was a four year old with a wild imagination, never did I think that the girl he was talking about would come to mean so much to our family.
I love you Bailey Nicole. There is nothing to repay. ”
“You want to call everyone and tell them they can come? They probably won’t be able to meet Rowan today, but if they wanna stop by for a visit they’re more than welcome.” I tell her wiping the tears from my own eyes.
“I think they’d love that. Do you want them to stop and grab anything on their way?” I shake my head, and she gives my hands one final squeeze before getting up and stepping into the hall to make the phone call.
I ended up falling asleep for a couple hours after Momma went into the hall, only waking up when I hear a knock on my door.
It was the hospital’s lactation consultant coming in to help me figure out the breast pump.
The end goal is to nurse Rowan once she gets a little bigger, but I am going to pump until then.
They gave her donated breast milk for her first feeding, but I really want to try and give her mine whenever possible.
Once we get the pump hooked up, and she makes sure it’s working right she tells me she is going to check on a few more patients. She tells me to pump for about twenty minutes, and she should be back around that time to answer any questions about the process.
I’m about halfway through when another knock comes at the door and the whole family walks in with a bunch of pizzas. Because it’s just Momma and Aiden, I’m pumping without covering my breasts, and while this is natural, I rush to try and move the blanket in my lap to cover myself.
I must not cover myself fast enough because all I hear is Aiden growl, “Cover your eyes, dickheads. You don’t need to see my girl’s boobs.
” This man. What does he think is going to happen when I’m at home nursing my girl?
I laugh and shake my head at him. He looks at me like I’ve lost my damn mind, “It’s not funny Blue, these boys do not get to see your boobs. ”
“Aiden Matthew Baker, grow up. She is providing food for her new born baby.” Momma scolded him.
“Dude, you know I love Bailey, but she is like my sister. I don’t want to look at her boobs.” Maddox defends himself.
“Bailey is beautiful, but I’m not into her like that. So, I wasn’t planning on looking anyway.” Dallas says.
“All of you boys are so immature.” Maggy shakes her head at them. She walks up to the side of my bed as the boys continue to argue, and kisses me on the cheek, “You doing okay, Bee?”
“I’m exhausted, and ready to see my girl, but I’m doing alright. The 24 hour timer post birth feels like it’s going so slow.”
“I’m sorry Bee, I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. When can everyone else go meet her?” Maddy says with a kiss on my cheek as well, clearly the boys figured their shit out and have decided to join the rest of us.
“They said that the family can start going in one at a time whenever. Aiden and Momma have both met her, but I want to go see her before anyone else goes. I love you all, but she lived in me for almost 35 weeks. I’m next.” I laugh.
“Of course my girl.” Pop walks up and kisses my forehead and gives me a sweet smile, “I’m so proud of you. Based on the pictures, my first grandbaby is beautiful.”
“Thanks Pop.” It’s time to stop pumping, so I press the button to turn it off and add, “anyone who, according to my very overprotective boyfriend, isn’t allowed to see my boobs better turn around.
” I give them about two seconds before I pull the blanket down and start to extract myself from the contraption.
I look at my output, and am proud to see that I got about 2 ounces in total.
The lactation consultant told me to expect to see about an ounce the first time, and it should increase a bit each time.
The fact that I got double is great in my book.
I hand all the parts to Aiden, he transfers the milk to one container before washing the parts and setting them on the counter to dry.
After he finishes, he gives me a quick kiss on the lips before heading to the NICU to drop off the milk I just pumped for Rowan, and visit with her for a little while.
I can tell he’s torn as he walks away, not wanting to leave me here, but also knowing that our girl needs him more than I do at the moment.
As he walks out, the lactation consultant walks in, we talk for a little while, as our family listens in.
Momma, Maggy and Chloe ask a few questions on how they can help me once I’m home.
The consultant gives them some tips, then she is off.
We all chat, eat pizza and hang out for a bit.
I end up texting Aiden and ask him if he could run and grab ice cream from the place around the corner.
Everyone places their order, and I text him what everyone wants.
It’s good to spend time with my friends and family, but I’m ready for this timer to run out, so I can go see my daughter.
Something people don’t talk about enough is what it feels like when it’s time for you to leave the hospital, but your baby isn’t ready yet.
You see all these social media posts of a man doing the ‘hot dad walk,’ walking out of the hospital with the baby in their infant seat.
No one posts about their baby being in the NICU.
They don’t tell you how hard it is to walk out the double doors and leave your baby behind.
No one talks about how hard it is to lie awake at night while your baby is across town doing their very best to get stronger.
You never hear about the struggle to go about your normal life, while your baby is being cared for by other people.
Rowan is in the best care right now, I know that, but that doesn’t make it any easier to get in Aiden’s Jeep and drive home without our little girl. To leave her in the care of strangers.
I hate this.