CHAPTER ELEVEN
KAYLAH
“We need to come together as a team,” is the first thing Julius says to me when we step outside.
He could at least let the hug that we were just forced to have marinate. Isn’t that enough for now?
“Maybe you should start seeing me as a team member first, then,” I say in response.
“There’s no way this is about that pass earlier.”
“Okay. Cool,” I say and walk away from him. I need some air and this is the opposite of that.
I’m turning the corner and then turning a few more corners just in case he’s trying to catch up to me.
When I get home thirty minutes later, I head straight for the stairs but my movements coincide with the front door opening and closing. Before I know it, that voice is sounding out with a, “Hey.”
And that’s the problem, the fact that we can’t get away from each other when we desperately need to.
I’m pretty sure I heard Nathan and Daniel talking about going to get some food after Practice, so I guess it won’t be disturbing too many people that this guy is following his introductory word with, “Don’t act like you can’t hear me,” as I continue making my way up the stairs.
“I can’t hear you,” I simply say.
“Do you want to sort this shit out or not?”
If there was any question that was going to make me turn around so fast and I do a move that feels like I’m somersaulting down the stairs, it would be that.
Before I know it, I’m standing in front of him, my eyes locked into his piercing set that I’m sure are intimidating to many, but not to me. Never to me.
“You’re gonna put that on me now? When this is all your doing in the first place?”
“Where do you think we’re gonna get if you’re just blaming me? There’s two of us in this.”
I scoff. “This is why I left the conversation, because of your lack of ability to self reflect.”
“We weren’t aligned with each other from the very first moment we met, how is that my fault?”
My frustration has been steadily rising from the moment I stepped foot into Practice, and it’s finally reached its peak.
I take a step towards him and say, “No, we weren’t aligned, which is exactly what the whole team has picked up on.
If they look at two people who are supposed to be in charge and they clearly don’t like each other, they’re not gonna choose to follow both of them, they’re gonna choose to follow one of them,” I explain, maintaining eye contact with him so he doesn’t look away.
“I’m the one who’s new. I’m the one who no one knows anything about and who probably looks like an imposter to these people who have already been here for a year.
I’m the one who clearly has to prove herself to everyone on the ice even though my talent should speak for itself.
So of course they’re gonna follow your lead and treat me like I’m invisible when I’m the clear option for a pass.
Why wouldn’t they when you’ve been doing the exact same thing on the ice yourself?
” A look of puzzlement crosses his face and that sets me off even more.
“This is what I mean about self awareness. Maybe pay attention to other people and you’ll realise that no one respects me on the ice, not even you.
Which is hilarious because I’m supposed to be the Centre.
Not to mention the fact that if it’s between a woman and a man, most people are instinctively gonna see the man as the leader, even when they’ve explicitly been told it’s both of them.
“But I guess no one really cares because I’m the stranger who doesn’t show emotion so I guess that must mean I don’t have them.
” Letting out a huff I’m not ready to stop, so I continue with, “I shouldn’t have to tell you this.
You are a grown man. I shouldn’t have to lay it all out on the table for you that playing Hockey now feels like a humiliation ritual for me when it used to feel like home.
” The truth hits me like a stick. “But maybe you like to hear that I’m struggling because it makes you feel like you’re the better captain.
“Whatever,” I say as a final word before I take myself up the stairs, all the way this time, and into my room.
It’s only a few seconds of staring at the ceiling after I drop onto my bed that I hear a knock on the door.
I need a moment, to so I take that moment, my eyes focused above as I tap my fingers against my thigh.
It’s kind of hard to be fully in the moment when there’s an incessant knocking on the door, though.
I sit up eventually, and let out a bland, “Yes,” which is followed by a sigh on the other side of the door.
Julius sighs so much I could recognise it anywhere.
“I need to speak to you,” he says.
“I think we’re done speaking, no?”
“There’s one thing I haven’t said.”
My silence is met with another sigh.
“I’m sorry,” I eventually hear.
At least, I think I hear it but I don’t waste time lunging for the door just to be sure.
When I swing it open, I have to admit, he does have somewhat of a sheepish look on his face.
“I’m sorry,” he says again.
I place a hand on my hip. “What are you sorry for?”
“I thought about what you said. Nah, that’s not…I didn’t think about what you said. Well, I did but…”
“Are you feeling okay?”
He suddenly seems to be working through something in his mind, concentration in his features.
“If I say I thought about what you said, it makes it seem as if you were telling me something new,” he says slowly, like he’s watching for my reaction.
When I don’t give one, he adds, “Which you weren’t.
Obviously. You’re right that the team has more trust in me on account of the fact I’m a man and because I was Captain last year.
That’s not news to me, but I guess I was being selfish because I should have taken that into consideration myself instead of letting our problems follow me onto the ice.
No, j don’t guess I was being selfish. I was being selfish.
I can be selfish many times, which I’m now learning.
I did…look over the opportunity to pass the puck to you a few times, and I know others have too.
That was dumb of all of us. So I’m sorry. ”
I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t have this conversation right now, so I simply respond, “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, okay.”
He squints at me. “Do you…accept my apology?”
“Sure,” I say, shrugging my shoulders.
“Sure?”
“Why are you just repeating everything I’m saying?”
“Because I can’t tell whether you actually accept my apology or not.” I try to find some type of response inside of me, anything but nothing seems want to come out of my mouth. Maybe I’m just tired. “Look, I would like us to do well together as co-captains. It’s very important we do,” he continues.
“We will do,” I nod. “Thanks for the apology.”
Taking a step back, I close the door in front of him, and in just a few seconds, there’s knocking again.
“Yes?” I say again, opening the door to find Julius standing there with a perturbed look on his face.
He’s quick to say, “What do I have to do to get you to accept my apology?”
“I told you I accept it.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Oh.”
It’s possible I didn’t.
“Do you not believe me or something?” he asks.
I let out a wry laugh when a realisation comes to me about why I’m acting like this.
“What?”
“I was willing to listen to your apology. I was. And to be honest, the words were right. But are you aware you looked and sounded like you were in a hostage situation the whole way through it?” His expression at the time remains implanted in my mind.
I started wondering whether you actually were a hostage. ”
“That’s funny.”
His face is as straight as a ruler.
“Did I tell a joke?” I say.
“I meant what you said about the apology.”
“You respond really well to humour.”
He takes a step closer to me.
“Tell me what you need me to do so we can…”
“We can what?”
“Be aligned. Am I wrong in thinking that you don’t believe we’re on equal footing to each other?”
“We’re not.”
“Okay, so what do you want me to do? I do want to fix this.”
“You don’t have to do anything,” I say. “The whole thing is embarrassing, so just leave it.” I know I’m getting in my head, but it’s hard for me not to when I feel so distant from the team.
To my surprise, he suddenly looks visibly stricken by my words.
With nothing but sincerity in his tone, he says, “The last thing I want is for you to feel embarrassed.”
“Well, maybe I won’t next time then.”
In the same tone, he continues. “Let me embarrass myself now. I’ll do star jumps on the spot.”
“Is that embarrassing?”
“Maybe not, I don’t know,” he says. “I’ll get down on my knees.”
“That’s nothing.”
“And beg.”
That gets my attention.
The honesty in his expression remains, but this is the guy who couldn’t even turn his music off for me.
“No, you won’t,” I say.
There’s a challenge in there, but I think I know him well enough at this point that he won’t take it.
I’m just responding in kind to his words, expecting him to throw some more words back at me.
What I’m not expecting is for him to release his customary sigh before crouching down to the floor.
He immediately looks up at me, and if I could hang this visual up in the Louvre…
“Kaylah…I’m sorry. It wasn’t my intention to make you feel like even more of an outcast on the team, but I can see how I did and I promise you, I won’t do it again.
” He sounds so earnest right now, or maybe I’m just confused right now, because there is something very strange happening with me.
“I’ll also ensure everyone else on the team treats you with the respect you deserve, no ifs and no buts.
Please take my apology in good faith. Please forgive me for my shortcomings.
Please believe that I will stick to my word. ”
I’m speechless. He’s on his knees. Baring himself to me. And I can’t take my eyes off him.
So when I eventually open my mouth to speak, only one thing comes out. “I didn’t think you were actually going to get on your knees.” I keep replaying the speed at which he did it in my head.
“Well, I’m on my knees.”