CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE #2
He rubs his thumb on my hand in a soothing motion and it’s not long before I feel safe enough to speak.
“Well, if we’re gonna talk about what my mum believes then a good place to start would be depression and anxiety.
She doesn’t believe they are real, even though I always felt the lingering effects of depression throughout my time at school.
She would dismiss me whenever I brought it up.
And I think subconsciously I started to believe it myself.
But then the summer before university started, I felt like I couldn’t manage the amount of change that was coming into my life.
It was interesting because I would finally be out of my mum’s house, which would benefit us both.
But the whole thing with going to a new city, and meeting all these new people and having all these new experiences…
it felt like a lot of pressure. That’s when I started to notice the anxiety.
And then when I started Yanton University, from literally the first day I felt terrible.
The depression hit me like a brick, and I felt anxious about everything.
I stupidly tried to talk to my mum about it, but she just turned it back around on me and made me feel like I was ungrateful for not enjoying the university experience the way I should be.
I barely went to lectures and didn’t do the assignments, and it was only the first term.
The only thing I did do was go to Hockey practice and games, which might not make sense to people, but it made me feel something.
My studies didn’t, but I did want to try, and so I looked into my favourite module and decided to meet with the professor.
I thought I was just being paranoid when I got a weird feeling from the way he was looking at me when I entered the room.
He hadn’t seen me before, so I thought maybe he was just adjusting to this new person.
But then he started talking and it seemed… fine, at first.
“Until he told me that there was no way I would be able to pass the module without his help. I told him I would like his help seeing as he’s the professor.
That’s when he said I would need to do something for him first so we would “both be taking a risk.” He put his hand around my neck while he was saying this, and on instinct I pushed him off me and ran the fuck out of there.
” His body stills, while his thumb continues on my hand, but I feel it.
I feel his anger at what he’s just heard, but he’s trying to keep it together for me.
I continue with, “I didn’t tell my mum or anyone straight away because…
I don’t know. I felt shame for some reason even though I knew I didn’t do anything.
But the whole thing made me feel even worse and that’s when I did decide to tell my mum.
Because she doesn’t believe in depression and anxiety, she thought it was pointless for me to even have that kind of meeting in the first place.
“That’s what she focused on. And then she told me that I must be mistaken about what happened.
At first. But then a few days later she called me to tell me that the professor had reported that I had assaulted him for no reason.
I might have been a disappointment of a daughter to her, but she cares about her public image very much, and just in the case that anyone knew of our ties together, she didn’t want anything out there that would make her look bad.
She’s on the Board of Governors of that university, which is why she wanted me to go there in the first place.
We’ve never been close, she’s always been cold, but I just felt like I couldn’t say no to her when she would try to dictate my life.
So I went to that university and it was easy for her to keep tabs on me.
It was even easier for her to make the whole situation that happened, “Go away.” And she could have struck off the expulsion, but she wanted it to stay on my record as punishment for not behaving in the way I should have, which a lot of is to do with my depression and anxiety that she saw as excuses for not involving myself at university life.
But of course, she did what she had to do to make sure it wasn’t news anywhere, because that would look bad on her.
And now she can hold the expulsion over me if I step out of line here. ”
“I’m so sorry, darling,” he huffs through his tight jaw. “And then the Professor?”
Sucking in a breath, I say, “She pulled some strings to get him to retire early.”
“What the fuck?”
“I know. I just hope he hasn’t done anything like that to anyone else.”
“Fuck, I hope not. I can’t believe your mum would do that.”
“Yeah, I haven’t had the best influence growing up.”
I still remember when she told me, face to face at the family home I dreaded going back to, his words riddled with a tone so matter-of-fact, it became almost humorous.
The audacity felt staggering each second I spent there, my mind constantly wandering over to the idea of just making it all stop.
The pain. The memories. The audacity. That’s when I decided to get out of there for good, a notion I had when I left for university the first time.
But that time, there was even more damage that had been done, and I told myself that was the last time she would ever have the opportunity to push me away.
The phone calls aren’t ideal, but at least I go into them bracing myself for the worst possible conversation.
I let train of thought end just in time for Julius’s question. “Is that why you find my mum to not be as annoying as she clearly is?”
“Hey, stop being a hater,” I say, playfully hitting him on his arm, and my heart instantly skips a beat at the smile that develops on his face.
It’s playful and genuine, a reminder of how comfortable we feel about each other, because I know he sees a similar smile on my face.
Continuing with my response, I explain, “But in all seriousness, your mum is closer to what I think a mum should be, and even though I haven’t spoken to her much, it’s quite easy for me to tell that she’s not…
cold. And that instantly makes me feel at ease.
My mum always makes me feel like I’m the problem, even with something as tough as a professor trying to touch me.
I didn’t even want to admit this to myself, but it’s why I struggled so much to open up about it.
I felt a lot of shame around it, and I didn’t want anyone to judge me for my instant reaction to something so scary.
My mum brings all my anxieties about that out. I can’t be around someone like that.”
“You’re not the problem. She’s the problem and none of it is your fault.
He shouldn’t have touched you, end of fucking story,” he says, his tone leaving no room for disagreement.
“It pisses me off you have a parent like that, it’s not what a mum should be like.
You deserve better than that, and I’m so glad you know it. ”
“Thank you, and I do know it. It just feels kind of lonely sometimes, especially with that knowledge. My dad’s not around.
I’m an only child and it’s a very small family in general.
I think that’s why I’ve found it hard to fully let go.
But then there’s also the fact that I can’t fully let go because after she made it all “go away,” which included removing all traces of me from the university website apart from the one that says I was Captain, my mum threatened that she would undo it all if I don’t take her call every two weeks, and talk to her for at least five minutes.
But it wouldn’t be the truth that she would be putting out there, it would be the version where I pushed a professor because of my grades and got expelled because of it.
I take the calls because I have to, but it genuinely ruins my day each time. ”
“We need to get you out of that, then.”
“We can’t, I don’t think.”
“We’ll figure something out. No way she’s going to have such an impact on your day twice a month.
No way. He lets out a large sigh, his tense jaw getting more prominent by the second.
She’s doing that to retain control over you, and it’s fucked.
How can you move forward and away from her if she keeps pulling you back into keeping up communication with her? ”
“Ugh,” I groan loudly, his question not being anything I haven’t asked myself before, but sounding so much different hearing it from someone I care about.
It’s enough for me to come to as admission.
“It’s too much to think about right now.
But thank you. And thank you for calling me brave earlier, by the way.
For everything you said about me, really. ”
He cups my face into his hand, an earnest look in his eyes as he watches me. “What’s wrong with me, right? Saying such nice things.”
“I’ve been asking that since the day I met you.”
“The day we met. That was funny, and I never thought we would progress to where we are now, but it feels right, better than anything else I’ve done,” he says, and I let my head fall back on his chest as I take in his soothing words.
“I look at you and I see my team mate, in every way that matters, both outside of Hockey and inside of Hockey. I just…care about you so much, Kaylah, and I hate hearing about all this shit that you’ve been through.
I hate that you had to deal with your mental health issues alone, but I’m so glad that you’re still here.
I want to support you in any way that I can. ”
“Well, there is one thing I think you should know.”
“What is it?”