Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
Angus
Warm. Deliciously, achingly warm. I curl closer around the radiator that is burning up and down my front.
I’m hard as anything, my erection pressing into the ass buried in my crotch, and even as I stir, I can feel myself growing stiffer, wanting more.
I move my face to avoid the tangle of hair and bury my nose in the soft skin there, drinking up her smell.
Her?
My arm twitches and I realise that it’s curled around Rowan’s waist, my hand resting heavily on her breast.
Last night comes back to me like a shock of cold water. Rowan and I were sharing a tent. I let her in when hers turned into its own loch. We kissed, and it was aching, and needy, and good.
And somehow in the night, I’ve sought her out, draped myself around her and pulled her close.
She fits me perfectly. A jigsaw with a missing piece.
I need to stop, now, while I still have a chance.
This is quickly becoming everything I promised myself it wouldn’t.
But my body doesn’t want to let go. My body wants to stay.
I can’t. Yes, we kissed, and yes, Rowan sounded disappointed when I made us stop. But I have no idea if she’ll feel the same way in the cold, morning light.
At the very least, I need to get my hand off her breast. I try to pull my arm back, removing it as gently as I can, and freeze when Rowan stirs and makes a sound of protest, her face lax with sleep.
She frowns, her full lips shaping a pout, and grabs my forearm, pulling it back around her with surprising force.
Well, shit. Now I’m trapped. And, despite the fear that she is going to wake at any moment and scream at me to get off, still very, very hard.
Rowan is beautiful even in sleep. I follow her freckles with my eyes, a few around her nose like constellations, a few up around her eyebrows, as if they have been scattered to the winds.
The lines on her forehead, normally creased against the sun, have gone; I have the urge to trace down her straight, button nose with a finger, cup her cheek with a hand.
“Rowan?” I say gently. “Do you mind letting go of my arm?”
Yes, that’s it. Make her think she’s the one who dragged me over. Excellent plan.
“Mhr?” She half-stirs, eyelids fluttering. “Is it morning?”
“Aye. It’s” – I check my watch on the arm she’s still grasping with determined hands – “after six. Time to get moving.”
“Five more minutes.”
I let her have them. For her, of course. Not for me. Not because I’m enjoying her closeness, the warmth of her, the feeling of my body wrapped around hers. And when the five minutes are up, I try removing my arm again, but her hands are still locked.
“If you let me go, I can make us coffee.”
“Coffee?”
“Your own mug.”
“Yes, please.” She snuggles deeper into the sleeping bag. “That sounds nice.”
“Rowan.”
“What?” Rowan finally flicks an eye open, and jerks back, seemingly startled by how close we are.
“My arm.”
She frowns, the line between her eyes reappearing.
“I’m not—” Then she finally opens her eyes all the way and looks down.
It’s clear the instant she realises what’s happening.
Her skin flames and her hands jump away as if I’m burning her for real, disappearing inside the sleeping bag and pulling it up to her chin.
“Oh god. I’m so— Wow. Oh, okay.” She’s moved enough to discover my raging erection. “You’re…”
Arm free, I take the opportunity to roll away. I sit up, thanking all the heavens that I decided to sleep in my clothes.
“Coffee?”
“Er, yeah. Thanks.”
I busy myself with the Trangia, stepping out of the tent to light it and into the morning. The air is crisp, but the sky is blue as far as I can see: the storm has blown itself out overnight, leaving wet green grass, and a clearness to the air that only comes after the heaviest of rains.
Rowan’s tent is all but collapsed: one pole has buckled, and the tear in the canvas is now a rent all the way down the side, which flaps idly in the breeze. She won’t be sleeping in that again in a hurry.
I nod at Priya and Lila, who are already halfway through their breakfasts, and well on their way to packing up.
Rowan and I will need to get a move on. Today will be another long day – the home stretch to Fort William – and I want to make it there in time for a proper dinner. Those mussels are calling my name.
I duck back inside with Rowan’s coffee and hand it to her where she’s finally pull herself into a sitting position, still tangled up in the bedding, her hair mussed, falling over one shoulder in a wave.
I’m grateful that I’ve had a second to get myself under control, because seeing her like this sends another spark to my groin.
How does she have this power over me? I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like this before.
“The others are up.” I gesture behind me. “We should head out soon.” I hesitate. I need to say something. Need to address the elephant in the room.
But she beats me to the punch.
“Angus, I’m sorry about this morning – I mean, last night.
Or both? I guess both, because I probably grabbed you while I was asleep and while I’d argue I shouldn’t be held accountable for what I did while I was unconscious, it’s still not cool to manhandle someone who’s saved your bacon, especially with no consent.
Normally, I’m a huge fan of consent. Stickler for it, actually.
So… Oh gosh. I’m spinning myself in circles, I guess what I’m trying to say is, thank you for not making a bigger deal out of it, okay? ”
I close my mouth, confession aborted.
“Right.”
She lowers her head into her palms. “You’re angry with me.
I know, I know, just because we kissed, I shouldn’t have presumed – again, it did happen in my sleep, and I didn’t mean to, and one could argue that you were the one with the you-know-what this morning – but you’re right.
You were so kind and I shouldn’t have taken advantage of you, and I’m so sorry.
” She takes a deep breath, peeking up at me between her fingers.
“Can we… Please? Can we go back to being friends?”
“Friends?”
“Okay, maybe not friends. You’re right – we hardly know each other – but friendly acquaintances? Hiking pals? People who have spent some pleasant time together and might have started out thinking the other is deeply annoying but have realised that maybe they’re inoffensive?”
“Inoffensive?”
She stares at me. She’s talking so fast and it’s all swirling around in my head: friends, pals, acquaintances, inoffensive, and none of it is how I’ve been thinking of her. None of it is close at all.
So what if we kissed? So what if it was hot and sweet and everything in between? So what if she fits perfectly in the space between my arms?
Clearly, Rowan feels different. And if that’s what she wants, who am I to argue?
It’s better this way. A few more days, and then we’ll both be free.
“Angus? Are we alright?”
I force myself to nod through the ice that is gripping my chest. “Aye, London. All good here.” I check my watch. “Five minutes okay for you?”
“Five minutes?” She blinks at me.
“Before we start packing up?”
“Oh. Yes. I- I suppose. That should be fine?”
“Grand.” I nod again. “I’ll give you some space then.”
I don’t wait for her response. Outside, Priya and Lila are almost ready to go; beyond them, a familiar figure is hobbling towards us.
Ewan, limping along with the assistance of two neon pink crutches, a massive grin on his face.
When he sees me, he stops, balancing himself on one crutch and using the other to wave.
“Oi oi!” he shouts across the campground. “Look who it is!”
“Ewan!” Priya dances over to him and wraps her small arms around his waist. “You’re back.”
“Got someone to look at your ankle then?” Lila asks with crossed arms, eying him up and down.
“That’s right. I had some time on the bus to think yesterday and the thing is…
I don’t want to give up. Maybe I can come back, maybe I can do this next year, or the year after, and maybe none of it matters – and, yeah, Caleb’s already dead so it’s not like he gives a shit.
But, I dunno, putting stuff off is how I got here, how I got lumped with this fucking rock of guilt, and maybe I don’t want to feel like that anymore?
Ah, fuck, I told myself I wasn’t going to fucking cry, didn’t I?
” Ewan tries to lift the arm holding his crutch to wipe his face and over-balances, only small Priya there to stop him from listing like a tree.
“Tissue?” Lila hands him a packet. “Swap you for a crutch?”
“Yeah, thanks,” he says, taking one and dabbing his eyes. “Bollocks. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you lot are alright. And if I’m going to do this stupid walk then I’d rather do it with people I don’t entirely despise – even if most of you are old as sin and have weird ideas about food.”
I struggle not to lift an eyebrow. “Is there meant to be a compliment hidden in there?”
“Oh, I know what this is. Negging! That’s it! I’ve heard it’s all the rage with the youth,” Lila quips.
“Mum!” Priya complains as Ewan groans. “Don’t say ‘youth’ – it’s so lame.”
“What would you rather I say? Teenybopper? Whippersnapper? Bruh?”
“MUM!”
“To think I went to A&E for this,” Ewan adds. “Maybe I am better off going solo.”
“That’s my line,” I grumble. “I’m the one who wants to be alone.”
“So why are you here then, old man?”
It’s a great question, and one I’m asking myself.
“Neither of you are doing this alone,” Lila chimes in. “Angus, stop making empty threats. You obviously like walking with us. No one believes the grumpy hiker routine anymore.”
“Plus, he wants to be close to his girlfriend,” Ewan adds with a smirk. “Where is she, anyway?”
“None of your bloody business.”
But even as I say it, I see his eyes widen, and I know that this precise, unfortunate moment, is when Rowan has decided to leave my tent.
“Ewan!” she calls over. “You’re here! Are you walking with us today?”
“Her tent got a leak,” I snap.
“Did it now?” He nods slowly, eyes flicking between us. “And you had to take her in, did you? I suppose her sleeping bag is too wet to use, is it?”
I deign to dignify that with a response. I need to pack up. I turn away as Rowan bounds over.
“Gosh, it’s a beautiful day, isn’t it? And I think my feet only have one more blister than yesterday!” She lands besides me, spritely as anything. “Are we doing this then? Last day! Ewan?”
When Ewan replies, I’m the one he’s looking at.
“Oh, yeah. I’m in. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”