Chapter 20 #2
He shrugs. “Is what it is.” Then his face softens into a smile.
“Ah, but once a month Da would take us on a trip. He’d pack us all cheese sandwiches and we’d pile into the van and he’d drive us into the hills – wouldn’t tell us where we were going, so it was always a surprise – and then we’d spend the day together, bagging a new munro. ”
“A munro?” I ask.
Angus laughs. “It’s what we call a mountain.”
“Wait a second. This?” Ewan swings his crutch at the surrounding scenery. “This is your idea of fun as a child?”
“This? No. Obviously not. Where’s the challenge in this?” Angus turns and points at the nearest peak. “Now that. That’s what I’m talking about.”
“I’ll stick with my stickers, thanks,” Ewan says.
“Yeah, my ice cream is looking pretty good right now,” I agree.
“Mum lets me have a lemonade as a treat once a month,” Priya joins in. “Otherwise she says sugar gives me the zoomies, and if I had it all the time, I’d be far too much.”
“Give her a soda and she’ll be haring up that mountain after you, Angus,” Lila laughs.
“I’ll bear that in mind.”
“I’d like to climb a mountain,” Priya says thoughtfully. “Is it harder than this?”
“Some. It’s a bit like what we did yesterday, remember? Only you have to do it for longer, and sometimes you have to get down on all fours and scramble up the rocks. And it can be a bit frightening when you’re up high.”
“Sounds hard.”
Angus shrugs again. “Yeah, it’s hard.” He catches my eye. “But sometimes it’s worth pushing through hard things – otherwise you don’t get the view.”
Priya sighs. “It is very pretty at the top.” Then she nods, cap bouncing over her eyes. “Okay. I’ll come.”
“You’ll… come?”
“The next time you go up a mountain. I’m going to come.”
Lila chuckles. “Looks like you’ve got yourself a shadow, Angus. Good luck!”
“I’m never bloody going hiking alone again, am I?” Angus grumbles. He looks up at the rising sun. “Day’s wasting. Are we going or what?”
“Let’s go!” Priya runs on a few steps. “Ewan, Angus, if you want to walk with me, I can tell you all the Latin names of the flowers.”
“Why would I want to—”
“Don’t make me take those crutches away from you, Ewan,” Angus menaces, his voice lightening as he turns back to Priya. “That sounds great.”
“Okay, well, this one’s a ulex europaeus, which is a common gorse...”
Priya’s voice trails off as she dances along ahead, the two men following her with more reluctance than enthusiasm, not that Angus will let Ewan show it. Lila and I exchange a glance and laugh quietly, enjoying the sight of two grown men reduced to the whims of one little girl.
But a second later, Lila’s cheeks are wet with tears.
“Are you alright?” I ask.
She dashes them away. “Oh, yeah. Those deer… they were beautiful, weren’t they?”
“Um… yes. I suppose they were.”
We walk on, and another tear slides down Lila’s face.
“I feel like this is maybe about more than the deer?” I ask again. “I don’t want to pry, and if you’d rather cry alone in the woods, then I’m happy to let you – trust me, been there, done that. But… if you want someone to talk to, I’m a pretty good listener.”
She wipes her face again. “I’m going to leave Priya’s father.”
“Did he cheat on you?”
“What? No. Of course not.”
“Sorry. Looking for cheaters everywhere now. Do you fight a lot?”
“No.” She look thoughtful. “And maybe that’s the problem.
He’s very kind, and mostly we’re happy, but for the past few years, it’s felt like sharing a bed with my oldest friend.
When we met, every time I looked at him, I would think, god, I’m so fucking lucky to be with you, and now I think, god, I wish you’d buy yourself some new socks and remember to do the dishes.
” Lila shakes her head. “Somewhere along the way, we made this beautiful creature, and I’m so happy we did that together.
But I don’t love Neil anymore. Not the way I did.
And maybe I won’t find someone to love that way again, that way that feels a little bit magical – but I owe it to myself to try. ”
“What about Priya?” I ask, trying desperately not to overlay myself in her place. “It can be hard on kids when their parents divorce.”
Lila shoots me a sharp look. “I’m guessing yours did?”
I nod. “My dad. He cheated on my mum. She kicked him out.” Even thinking about it makes me shiver with stress. “Nothing was ever the same after that.”
“I get that,” Lila says. “It must have been hard for you. But this is different. Nobody’s cheating here.
Nobody’s angry. I’m not going to let Priya’s world be torn apart.
And, honestly, if I stay? If I deny myself the future I want and stick it out with a man I’m only pretending to love, what kind of role model am I being?
What am I telling her about how relationships are meant to be? ”
“That’s… Wow.” I turn to Lila, a little bit awed. “You’re really impressive, you know that?”
Lila flicks her hair. “Oh. I know. You should see me at work.” Then she sobers. “I can do this for me, but the idea that I’m going to hurt my daughter? That’s killing me. That’s why we’re here. I wanted to give her one last joyful memory before I blew up her world.”
Despite her brave words, I can see the fear nestled inside Lila. But she’s right: my childhood wasn’t ruined because my dad left, it was ruined because he wasn’t brave enough to talk to my mum. Maybe if he had, it still would have gone to shit. But he didn’t, and it destroyed us.
“You’re not going to blow up her world,” I offer. “Maybe destabilise it a bit. But, child of divorce that I am, I can promise you: there is more joy in that little girl’s future. And everything settles eventually.”
“She’s not going to hate me?” Lila asks quietly.
I take her hand. “No. She’ll be confused and upset. But she won’t hate you. And it won’t be forever.”
Lila and I rejoin the others, who’ve paused to inspect a flower Priya thinks is particularly beautiful, and as she holds it up to her mum and the biggest smile blooms over Lila’s face, a wave of sadness and joy breaks over me in equal measure.
They’ll be okay. I know it. But it doesn’t mean that it won’t be hard, and my heart breaks for the little girl who will soon find herself unmoored from the safety net she’s always known.
I consider Lila’s decision as we walk on. She’s brave. Brave enough to upend everything she knows because she believes she deserves better. It’s hard to avoid the contrast with my own relationship. My own life.
In a few days, I’ll be back in London, and I have no idea what I’ll do.
Right now, I feel strong. Capable. Independent.
As if the world is a wide-open door, and I simply have to step through it.
I’ve spent so long hiding in things that are safe and easy that I’ve forgotten what it feels like to stand on my own.
To push myself. To choose bravery. To believe that I deserve better.
I don’t want to stop feeling this way.
I have to tell Ethan that it’s over. That there’s no going back from what he’s done.
Yes, Ethan cheated on me. But it’s more than that. Our relationship was a safety blanket, not a love story. He was a body to keep the loneliness away. And that isn’t fair to either of us.
I don’t love Ethan. I never have.
So I have to tell him. But what then? What will happen then?
Once my belongings are packed up into boxes and sealed with tape, once I’ve divided my life into ‘Books’ and ‘Kitchen Utensils’ and ‘Summer Clothes’ and ‘Hobbies I Won’t Return To Again But Want To Keep Anyway’ and weighed up the total of everything I own and realised it barely takes up one room, what then?
Back to dating. Back to the apps and men who I don’t find attractive but kiss anyway, and repetitive conversations that never go anywhere, until I settle for another relationship I’m only half in?
Back to weekdays spent tap-tapping at a keyboard and pretending to laugh at Mick from Sales’ sexist comments and making another bog-standard Powerpoint to sum up another mid-level box-ticking marketing campaign and weeknights on the sofa with a Chinese and a packet of Pringles, watching Legally Blonde for the bajillionth time and wondering if this is really what I’m meant to be doing with my life?
Back to the comfortable, safe, uninspiring cocoon that I’ve built, that I’ve wrapped around myself: no risk, no stress, no… excitement?
Around me, the Highlands are buzzing. Birds chirp, bees wriggle in and out of tiny blue flowers, the wind picks up, bringing the smell of grass and loam, and Priya chases a butterfly down the road with a scream of delight.
This – hard as it is – this is life.
Here, I feel awake.
I’m not ready to go back to sleep.
I need to change something. I need to learn how to be brave again. My ideas box is still hidden under the bed: my old designs; sketches of logos and outfits I want to create; businesses I want to start. I haven’t looked at it in years.
Maybe it’s time to fish it back out.
A tear slides down my cheek when I think about it, about the me I used to be. About the person I’ve become. The woman I can be. But there are no clouds here. This isn’t a slide into sadness from which I won’t awake.
No. This tear feels different. Cathartic.
As if I’m finally letting go of a weight I’ve held for far too long.
The road curves, turning to gravel underfoot, and for the first time I catch sight of Ben Nevis, far in the distance. Clouds wreathe its wide top, and my breath catches, staring down the valley at its rising peak. There it is.
I’m really going to do this, I think. I’m really going to finish this.
I’ve left my comfort zone far behind in London.
I’ve walked through rain, and shine, mud and grass. I have blisters on my feet and sores on my hips. My shoulders are a mass of knotted muscles and red, raw skin. My face is windswept and pink, and my hair a rat tail of tangles under my cap. I’m exhausted. Dirty. Sweaty.
But I haven’t given up, no matter how badly I’ve wanted to.
I’m going to finish this.
Not for anyone else.
For me.